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AIBU?

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Original poster

To assume I've been ghosted?

610 replies

ghosting · 22/05/2018 13:57

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 13/06/2018 17:47

But my biggest fear is that setting and enforcing boundaries will mean people reject me. That they won’t like what I say/me saying no, and will either get upset or leave/abandon/reject me

It's really good that you are able to think with enough clarity to know this about yourself. Now you need to remind/persuade yourself that just because that's your biggest fear, does not make it an actual fact. Your fears are just thoughts and you can change them. The direction of these thoughts is not helping you. So it is going to make you feel better to change them to thoughts that do help you.

So, here are some actual facts...
Fact: this boundary is important to you.
Fact: you are clear enough in your head to know this is non negotiable.
Fact: you have dared to declare this boundary.
Fact: by doing that you are being clear and reasonable.
Fact: you are acting in the best interest of your dc and have thought about it.
Fact: you are available to see him at other times when your dc aren't home.
Fact: he has a choice about whether to be understanding or not about something which is important to you.
Fact: you are acting in an honest and straightforward manner.
Fact you are staying true to yourself by having a boundary for the sake of your dc, true to yourself of being the parent and person you want to be.
I could go on...(don't worry I won't!) but you get the gist. When you look at the facts (in other words the reality) they look really, really good!

Whereas this biggest fear of yours, which is just a thought, not a fact, not reality....not so good. And maybe not to be taken so much notice of as the good stuff. Not allowed to dominate over the real try facts. Which are that it is a good thing you've done. So you can allow yourself to feel pleased and confident about it. If he wants to argue it or is not accepting...then he's being an arse. There is no argument.

Original poster
ghosting · 14/06/2018 15:00

Thanks Fantastic your post was a great help.

I’ve maintained another boundary today. Two in one week. And the world hasn’t imploded. Who knew! (not me)

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 14/06/2018 21:51

Excellent! Well done 👍

Original poster
ghosting · 16/06/2018 21:39

Right, I’m back in a mega anxious place.

Have maintained a boundary and he has gone all weird/quiet on me. Of course my imagination has me all over the place and that my boundary setting will have pushed him away.

My rational brain is able to accept that if he is like this about a reasonable boundary then he isn’t worth being with. But in my head I want it to work. And I know in the past this is where it’s all gone horribly wrong. I give in because I want it to work. I don’t want to lose someone, so I give in to please them and to keep them. And then I wonder why all my past relationships weee abusive.

I need to stand strong on this but ARGH I’m going mad.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 16/06/2018 22:03

Stay strong. The best thing to do is turn your phone off or put it out of reach and not look at it again until morning. If he has texted You can reply then which is no more than what he did to You. You are doing the right thing. When you say he has gone weird is it just the same thing as when the thread started I.e. not texting you? or has he actually said anything.

As before he could be out with friends or have fallen asleep or whatever. We have no way of knowing whether it's likely he is doing it on purpose but let's face it, if he is doing this on purpose you don't want to be with someone like that anyway so you are doing the right thing.

Original poster
ghosting · 16/06/2018 22:08

Yeah he’s gone silent.

He may be realising the reality of dating someone with kids.

They have to be my priority.

OP posts:
OutofSyncGirl · 16/06/2018 23:12

If he doesn't respect your boundaries now then that won't get any better with time. It will likely get worse. Why are you so keen for this to work? He must be better looking than David Beckham...

Honeyroar · 16/06/2018 23:27

Has he gone quiet on you immediately after you said he couldn't stay over? Or has he just gone quiet in the way that he did the last couple of times you posted?

If it's the first scenario then he's binned, not remotely worth it. If it's the second it seems to be how he is and he comes back again - you seem to need more constant contact than he gives, so perhaps it's time to let it go?

Fruitcorner123 · 16/06/2018 23:32

have you texted him and he hasn't replied?

alphajuliet123 · 17/06/2018 00:46

OP, you definitely should not be having this sort of angst with someone you're only just dating.

He's not the right man for you. Chalk it up and move on.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 17/06/2018 02:47

How long has it actually been this time? If it’s three days then ok, but if it’s three hours...

Just arrange a date for a time that actually suits you. Done.

I think maybe you need to make a firm rule about how long until he can meet your children and tell him. Then he can decide if he wants a relationship where certain days are off limits for the next however long and he can plan around it. He might be wondering if you’re not that interested if you don’t make your position clear.

Original poster
ghosting · 17/06/2018 06:09

I think maybe you need to make a firm rule about how long until he can meet your children and tell him. Then he can decide if he wants a relationship where certain days are off limits for the next however long and he can plan around it. He might be wondering if you’re not that interested if you don’t make your position clear

I think you are right with this. My lack of clarity may well be confusing for him. Now I just need to work out what that time frame is...

My difficulty with that is that I don’t mind him meeting them as a one off. But as for him becoming part of our family life and being around when I have the children? That’s a long way off. The children are with me half of the time, and I already feel a very part time parent. (There is no judgement here towards other parents, this is just how I feel about my situation). The time that I have with the children is really precious, and I wouldn’t want to compromise that by also having him (or anyone) around during those times where my loyalties would be split. I guess I need to make that clear. And I guess he may well walk away because of it.

Gah this whole dating malarkey is hard!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ghosting · 17/06/2018 06:11

Why are you so keen for this to work?

I need to work this out too

OP posts:
Original poster
ghosting · 17/06/2018 10:55

Oh I SO want to revoke it and say yes. But I know that’s not the right thing to do and it’s just hard sitting with this anxiety and possibility of rejection. At this point I would usually just do what the other person wants. I need to not do that. But it’s hard!

OP posts:
Vivasummer · 17/06/2018 11:10

How many times have you met him now op?

If your children are with you only half the week, there is plenty of time for him to stay over.

Original poster
ghosting · 17/06/2018 11:13

How many times have you met him now op?

About 10-12.

If your children are with you only half the week, there is plenty of time for him to stay over

Yes I agree.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 17/06/2018 11:26

Meeting my children even as a one off would not even pop into my head in this situation

From what you've said previously about his reactions since knowing and then he's playing these games after you said no to him staying when you had your children...I'm not understanding why you're desperate for this to work?!

There's plenty of times he could stay at yours when the kids arn't there so what's his rush in that?

Original poster
ghosting · 17/06/2018 11:37

I'm not understanding why you're desperate for this to work?!

I have never had a relationship that I had doubts about so early on.

Actually, scrap that. I never had a relationship before where I had doubt ms early on and actually listened to them.

I’m really used to just carrying on anyway. Which is not a good idea. I’m learning masses about myself at the moment. This is just another thing I’m figuring out...

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 17/06/2018 11:45

How long have you not heard from him Ghosting?

Original poster
ghosting · 17/06/2018 12:02

I’ve heard from him this morning, it was just immediate radio silence last night after I told him no. He’s being normal and chatty today.

OP posts:
princesstiasmum · 17/06/2018 12:04

Sounds all too familiar to me, like my situation,
You want it to work because you like him a lot, but i think he is taking advantage of that,
Not worth the angst and anxiety, believe me,you will never know where you stand at this rate, he is not being fair,

SparklyMagpie · 17/06/2018 12:16

You really can do better than this guy Ghosting !

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 17/06/2018 12:46

just immediate radio silence last night

How late last night? Late enough to have just fallen asleep? If you have real doubts about him you should move on, but we’ve established that sometimes he’s just a bit slow at responding and to date it hasn’t meant anything sinister.

AuntyElle · 17/06/2018 12:49

I’ve heard from him this morning, it was just immediate radio silence last night after I told him no. He’s being normal and chatty today.

It was a few days ago that you told him that he couldn’t stay the night that your kids were there. So did he ask that again yesterday or was it a separate issue?

Allnames · 17/06/2018 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.