To assume I've been ghosted?

[ghosting]

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

[scoobyd2]

@princesstiasmum You sound very like me, I hope you're building your own life without him. It gets better.

If someone makes you miserable more often than they make you happy, you really do need to re-think your relationship. Whoever you are, you are worth more than that.

[ghosting]

Why put yourself through this, he is not worth it

I think I’m a bit of a sucker for the promise of what could happen. How our life together could be. He’s made me realise a lot of things about the way I’d like my future to be. Of course, I could have those things without him. But part of me has allowed myself to dream, and 3 months into a relationship, that may not have been the best idea.

[princesstiasmum]

scoobyd2 thank you, i hope you are too ,i was sick of hearing about things we could do together that never materialised, [future faking] i believe its called
I am probably much older than you, and thought i had found my soulmate at last ,after 2 bad marriages,but was very wrong, and i could read between the lines what he was really like but chose to ignore it ,until recently, when i woke up,
I feel very used now, and he made me feel worthless in the end, so
I hope ghosting realises eventually, it is not worth the stress,
She is worth more than that too

[ghosting]

I’m getting there princesstiasmum. He’s being a twat today.

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

Oh no why what's the problem? X

[ghosting]

Oh I don’t know. I really don’t know f it’s just me misinterpreting things because I read way too much into it all.

[MrJohnReese]

Ghosting you seriously could have been me a few years ago. No one here can say whether the main problem is your anxiety or his behaviour. Just listen to your gut feeling.

Most people have been quite negative towards your man but to give an alternative view, it worked out fine for me and my bloke was much much more erratic in the beginning than yours by the sounds of it.

I trusted my gut and it was totally worth it. For us it was a combo of his issues and my crippling anxiety/over thinking but we got there and are very happy now.

[ghosting]

MrJohnReese thanks for that. It’s good to know that things might still work out, despite all that’s going on at the moment. How did you address your anxiety/overthinking?

[coolcahuna]

@ghosting, I hear you and feeling anxious in a relationship is really hard! I had one of these earlier this year. He started off quite needy and then it flipped and it was me (I've seen this pattern with me before - I'm very aware of it now).
I've ended that one now with him and actually I think I had good reason to be anxious, its hard to work out sometimes if its you or them making you feel this way but for me, it was him. It was hard at first going no contact but then suddenly its fine. And you free yourself up to meet someone who doesn't make you feel that way.

[ghosting]

coolcahuna how did you work out it was him making you anxious and not just you?

And I am now getting PP who have said that it shouldn’t be this hard at the beginning. We seem to have skipped the fun stage and have moved into a married couple stage. It’s all quite odd!

[coolcahuna]

@ghosting. Well I think it was him as I've never had it before. He made me very anxious. Several reasons he was very intense so any lapse in that and I would question it.
He was also very emotionally closed and unavailable so i was constantly reading between the lines.
We had very different communication styles which was the issue. I'm secure attachment and he's an avoidant.

I know now I need someone more open and emotionally available.

There was may more bad than good with him.

[ghosting]

coolcahuna this Guy sounds very similar!

In terms of attachment styles he is avoidant and I am anxious, so we are playing this out very typically to how it would be expected!

He isn’t needy, but he is insecure. Massively so. But he struggles with me saying anything complimentary about him, because his self esteem is so low he doesn’t believe it.

[coolcahuna]

@ghosting, its really interesting when you identify personality types and attachment styles. In theory, with me being secure attachment and him being anxious, it could have worked once he was sure of me. But then his neediness made me needy when he started to care less! And I'm not remotely needy, I'm embarrassed now at how it made me feel and behave. The early promise with him was so amazing (I genuinely thought I had found my match) that I ignored a whole load of red flags in his behaviour and lifestyle (he didn't have any close friends and totally lacked in empathy. One of my best friends mum died and he was like 'shit happens'. He wouldn't have been there for me long term.)

I have dated someone since who was much more chilled out and none of this drama. I've realised the key for me with dating is to have clear plans in place - i.e. when are we seeing each other next. I then totally chill over messages and calls, so I am quite clear with people what I need if they want to date me.

[ghosting]

Just to update, I’m feeling a lot more settled and things seem to be going alright (feel like I’m going to jinx it by posting this!).

I’ve been having CBT for anxiety and depression (which are both a lot better) so it really does feel like it was my stuff that was getting in the way and not really anything he was doing wrong.

I’m glad I stuck with it :)

What I find really helps is accepting that my feelings are not the truth, they are just feelings, and also that very often my interpretation of things/texts doesn’t fit at all with his previous behaviour/texts, it’s just me being paranoid, and therefore I know that it’s me rather than him, if you see what I mean.

[ghosting]

Knew I’d bloody jinx it. He hasn’t text me all day!

However I know that that’s not normal for him, and he’s probably busy (likely). And if it’s not that, and he’s changed his mind and in the last 24 hours has decided he doesn’t want to be with me at all (less likely), then I’ll cope, and we had a good few months together.

[ghosting]

Context is everything. By this time yesterday he had sent me 44 messages.

[ShinyMe]

So use your CBT - think of the possible reasons he hasn't texted today, despite texting lots yesterday:

• his phone battery is low
  

• he is having a busy day at work
  
• his boss noticed him texting a lot yesterday and he's keeping a low profile today to make up for it
  
• he's been in and out of meetings and can't see his phone
  
• he feels he had lots of contact yesterday and maybe needs to leave you alone a bit today
  
• he has gone off you and decided to end it
  

Now think how likely the above are, and which is the more likely option.

[Bouledeneige]

OP it's simply not sustainable to text 44 times a day - no one could stay employed, have a life, engage with their friends and family. It is so not healthy that having a magnum and chips for breakfast, dinner and tea starts looking wise.

Stand back, take a breath and pause. Invest in real life, the here and now and the people around you. The simple moments of pleasure. You just can't invest the emotional energy in compulsive texting.

If he took a day off he's just being wise. You should do it too. Invest your energy in today and focus on when you meet up in person.

Good luck to you xxx

[ghosting]

It’s the little things, isn’t it, that make you realise that it’s not the relationship you thought it was.

Things had been really good. And then there will just be one tiny, seemingly insignificant thing that triggers me back into realising it’s another fucking controlling, shit relationship.

[TubbyTubster]

What happened OP?

[PowerPantsRule]

Are you OK OP? I remember your thread...

[Strawberrybelly]

I hope you're ok.

[ghosting]

It was something that int he grand scheme of things was really minor, but just showed a massive lack of respect and made me feel completely worthless.

(Some of that is likely to be my stuff, though)