To assume I've been ghosted?

[ghosting]

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP, can I ask you something rather hard hitting?

Imagine one of your beloved DC were asking you the same questions you are asking us. What would your answers be?

Do you want your DC to follow the patterns you set for them?

(You don't need to post the answers here; just think about them!)

Thinking about those questions and your honest answers might help you.

It was a separate issue. Also related to the children though.

Right so there's been another issue that again is involving your children in some way

Fuck him off OP

It was a separate issue. Also related to the children though.

I guess you need to talk to him fully about your boundaries re your kids, and if he doesn’t fully respect those boundaries then he rules himself out.

guess you need to talk to him fully about your boundaries re your kids, and if he doesn’t fully respect those boundaries then he rules himself out

Yep. I need to work out what they are first! He is the first guy I’ve dated since splitting with their dad 2 years ago. I didn’t know what I needed to think about iyswim

OP I think you are doing such a great job working on yourself and your issues, it's really admirable

Hi ghosting I feel your pain!! I am EXACTLY like you!! Dating is so stressful when you are constantly having to question your self, pull back, set boundaries, manage your anxieties etc. It's definitley right in terms of attachment styles. I've researched this too and found that I'm anxious and the guy I'm with is avoidant. It's very hard work and after a year I'm still not feeling any better. Well done for setting boundaries!! I know how hard it is when you fear rejection. I had to do this a while back as my boyfriend was happy to just continue with a casual relationship whereas I didn't if it wasn't going anywhere else. The relationship ended and it was painful but I know it was right at the time and I'm still very proud of myself for doing this and not giving in because of how much I enjoyed the time we when we were together and because I didn't want to be in my own.
Do you have massive anxiety in terms of how other people perceive you having a failed relationship? I do and sometimes I'd rather a failed relationship continue rather than have to face it which I know is not good x

FWIW OP,You sound so lovely!
And I'd have been like this is the past but since having a child it is a complete game changer for me

I'm currently dating someone, who is fully aware of my son, he plans to see me when he knows I'm free, or my mum has been lovely enough to look after DS. He's never once asked if he could stay over and even if he did he'd make sure it's when DS wasn't here.

He completely respects my child comes first and I've never felt ANY pressure from him.
I've always been very wary about dating since becoming a parent and the first sign of pressure or anyone wanting to come into mind and my child's home would be out especially this early on

I however get what you're feeling. I've always been told I'm attractive ( not that it matters in the slightest) but I suffered really really low self esteem, when thinking I'd found someone, it was me feeling greatful and me putting myself out there to do anything to hold onto it and make me feel wanted.

I'll tell you now - it NEVER worked...ever!And it battered my self esteem and confidence even more

Posts like these hit a nerve with me now,ad I've really worked hard on myself and I hate seeing women or men for that matter, settle when they deserve so much more

And i can assure you,You do !

If the guy I'm dating ever brought up issues regarding my child,the only thing he'd have the pleasure of doing,is kissing my arse goodbye on his way out of my life

Please please don't settle !

You have your head screwed on!

People under this thread are being way too harsh. they don't know this man, I think it's fine you sent a message the next day. But try not to panic, he could be busy or even trying to play it cool himself! If he is ghosting you he was unworthy of you to start with! Love yourself girl!

How old are your children OP? Do they know about this man you're dating? I'd say introduce him to your friends first and gauge their thoughts/feelings.

10 and 7. And no they don’t know about him at all.

Good call to introduce him to friends.

blue yes to the attachment style thing, exactly the same situation here. I’m not really worried about what other people think of me, I’ve already had a failed marriage but that doesn’t really bother me and isn’t anyone else’s business. But I do find avoidance of issues easier than having to face them!!

SparklyMagpie that relationship sounds great!

I’m kind of working out why it is I want this to work.

And that’s because if it doesn’t, I will feel as though I have failed.

Not that we are different people or don’t fit or want different things or I can’t deal with his long hours or he can’t deal with the reality of me having kids.

But that I wouldn’t be good enough to make it work.

That’s my own baggage.

But it does make a LOT more sense now.

Thank you :) it's my first time dating in 4 years and I hope it progresses

But there's no reason you can't have a set up like that

Can I be cheeky and ask what the latest was that involved your children? You don't need to answer,it's just so I can get a better idea of it

If you could hand on heart lost what he does to make you feel great about yourself, what would it be?

Apologies for the questions :(

*list not lost

Ghosting you cant make something work if the other person doesnt want to, it takes two, and it doesnt seem as if he is putting much effort into this,
Even if he wasnt sure of whether he wanted it to work, he could explain,
I think you are much more invested in this than he is
Actions speak louder than words, take notice,
It is no reflection on you if it fails,doesnt mean you have failed, he sounds like hard work,
This mirrors my relationship exactly,save yourself some heartbreak

Can I be cheeky and ask what the latest was that involved your children?

He asked about meeting them.

If you could hand on heart list what he does to make you feel great about yourself, what would it be?

That is such a great question. And the fact that I can’t answer it straight off is rather telling. But I’m also not sure how he would answer that about me. Which also makes me wonder if I’m not doing all that well either!

But I’m also not sure how he would answer that about me. Which also makes me wonder if I’m not doing all that well either!

ghosting, truly, stop worrying about whether or not you’re making him happy, and work out your (unassailable) boundaries around your children.
I think you need to read something on this, or get some good advice.
Having read the whole thread I feel like you now need to take your focus away from his needs and back onto those of you and your children.

It's great that you said no! Of course it's too soon.

It's not necessarily bad that he asked to meet them, but would be totally weird if it bothered him that you said no.

It’s no big deal.

When can I meet them?

Not yet, it’s too soon

End of.

I think you are analysing it all way too much.

It’s no big deal. When can I meet them? Not yet, it’s too soon. End of

It seems so simple, doesn’t it? And for a lot of people, it is that simple.

Then imagine growing up in a family who overrode every thought or feeling you ever had. Who told you that you were wrong, and somebody else was right. Who would emotionally or sometimes physically abuse you if you dared to stand up for yourself or your beliefs. Who would ignore you for days on end if you defied them.

And then imagine you enter a marriage with exactly the same dynamic. Where your husband, who is supposed to love you, tells you his needs are more important than yours. Who sulks when you tell him no. Who tells you they will take the kids away from you if you dare to try and leave. But you leave anyway, and still face the consequences 2 years down the line.

You imagine what it’s like to be me, and then tell me that’s it’s as simple as to just say no, and then carry on.

For me, for 40 years, saying no has had rather awful consequences. It’s why I struggle with boundaries. It’s why I over analyse everything. I am trying to keep myself safe.

This is really hard for me. But I’m trying because it’s important to me to try and become a better person and teach my kids that I can have a better life, and so can they. But my goodness it’s hard.

I’m sorry that was a bit of a rant. And I didn’t mean it to offend you. I am just trying to point out that some people find this kind of stuff easier than others.

Your anxiety may be getting the better of you here, so try to not overthink things too much.

Take things step by step, also don't listen to too much negative advice!

when I was really anxious before I started practicing mindfulness and meditation to calm myself down.