To assume I've been ghosted?

[ghosting]

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

[ghosting]

you either aren't with the right person or you're not in the right place within yourself to be with him

That’s a great comment, thank you.

I do honestly think it’s me. I’m stuck in my head about it all at the moment and if I can let it go and enjoy it, it’s actually really good!

[gendercritter]

Sometimes MN is really depressing.

Op you can do better. I really don't think it should be this hard, this early. I think if the relationship isn't making you feel great quite a lot of the time, you either aren't with the right person or you're not in the right place within yourself to be with him.

You've given this a good few months but I'd really urge you to look at moving on. He has some pretty complex insecurity issues if you're saying he doesn't believe you when you compliment him. That alone is a red flag. Healthy adults are able to accept a simple compliment. Very low self-esteem can cause problems like jealousy further on down the line.

I don't like texting non-stop and can easily go long stretches without going near my phone but going right back to the first time you slept together I think it's pretty rubbish if someone is really into you and doesn't text you the morning after your first night together. I'd have walked away then. You aren't really valuing yourself right now.

[ghosting]

Getting ready for work, Walking to work, lunch break etc. They are pretty short texts!

[RangeRider]

So far today we’ve exchanged over 50 texts, and it’s only lunchtime
How on earth do you actually find enough time to do anything to text about if you're on your phone that much? Don't you have a boss, co-workers, friends etc. who are sick of seeing you texting constantly? Surely that level is abnormal? I couldn't cope with one day of that, let alone every day.

[ghosting]

Yes, 50 a day

[ghosting]

But what if he is feeling the same? As I said, it’s not just me sending all these messages. What if he is maintaining this level of contact because he feels the same level of anxiety if I drop off my level of contact?

I do have a life that is separate from him. I see friends, go running, see my family, do stuff with my kids, work 2 jobs. My happiness is not dependent on him making me happy, I’m pretty good at doing that myself. However, I’ll agree that I can feel less happy if he acts in a way that triggers a load of past stuff in me.

[Bobbybear10]

I don’t think 50 texts in my be morning is at all normal.
I think the problem with having 50 texts a morning baseline is that there is nowhere to go from there.
If the contact dips, which 50 texts a morning just isn’t feasible in the long term, you are going to think he is rejecting you/isn’t interested anymore/is playing games and it’s sending you into a tailspin.

You are pinning so much of your emotional wellbeing on this mans interactions with you. You are setting the relationship up to fail right from the start by needing so much from another person.

I haven’t meant my post to come across as mean and I really hope I’m wrong and you both skip of into the sunset

[ghosting]

Re the level of texting, I guess some people just text more than others. So far today we’ve exchanged over 50 texts, and it’s only lunchtime. It’s mostly just inane chat - what’s for lunch, how’s your day etc, but that’s what’s normal for us. It’s not me pestering him every 5 minutes; there is an equal initiation of texts. I text some friends about the same amount of times a day, that’s just normal for us.

Things in general have been a lot better because I have been managing my anxiety better. But sometimes stuff he does triggers me, like last night. My ExH was abusive, and so was my mum, and I’m finding myself getting triggered by him but actually it’s just reopening past stuff that isn’t to do with him.

Maybe the catastrophising is partly linked to that.

[Bobbybear10]

I’ve just read your whole thread and I’m so sorry it’s a bit shit for you at the moment.

I just want to gently ask if you truly think you are ready to be dating or entering into a relationship?

From your posts I get that you’re anxious and honestly I know how that feels! But you really do seem to be needing a very high amount of communication and attention that just wouldn’t be achievable for most people (not to mention bloody terrifying!)

You are swinging between being happy and high that he has text you ‘enough’ times to being low and depressed (and catastrophizing) when his contact dips. Can you see how you are pinning your feelings and happiness onto his behaviour?

Ideally a new relationship is about the other person adding something good to your already happy life. It shouldn’t be hard! If you are happy and busy doing your own thing and you happen too get a text then that’s great but allowing yourself to give, what is essentially, a very early potential relationship so much headspace and to be an analysing and questioning his behaviour so much is really not very mentally healthy.

Why do you need this man to be having such a huge amount of commitment to you after a handful of dates over a scattered period? (44 texts in a day is a huge amount of communication!)

[ghosting]

It was something that int he grand scheme of things was really minor, but just showed a massive lack of respect and made me feel completely worthless.

(Some of that is likely to be my stuff, though)

[Strawberrybelly]

I hope you're ok.

[PowerPantsRule]

Are you OK OP? I remember your thread...

[TubbyTubster]

What happened OP?

[ghosting]

It’s the little things, isn’t it, that make you realise that it’s not the relationship you thought it was.

Things had been really good. And then there will just be one tiny, seemingly insignificant thing that triggers me back into realising it’s another fucking controlling, shit relationship.

[Bouledeneige]

OP it's simply not sustainable to text 44 times a day - no one could stay employed, have a life, engage with their friends and family. It is so not healthy that having a magnum and chips for breakfast, dinner and tea starts looking wise.

Stand back, take a breath and pause. Invest in real life, the here and now and the people around you. The simple moments of pleasure. You just can't invest the emotional energy in compulsive texting.

If he took a day off he's just being wise. You should do it too. Invest your energy in today and focus on when you meet up in person.

Good luck to you xxx

[ShinyMe]

So use your CBT - think of the possible reasons he hasn't texted today, despite texting lots yesterday:

• his phone battery is low
  

• he is having a busy day at work
  
• his boss noticed him texting a lot yesterday and he's keeping a low profile today to make up for it
  
• he's been in and out of meetings and can't see his phone
  
• he feels he had lots of contact yesterday and maybe needs to leave you alone a bit today
  
• he has gone off you and decided to end it
  

Now think how likely the above are, and which is the more likely option.

[ghosting]

Context is everything. By this time yesterday he had sent me 44 messages.

[ghosting]

Knew I’d bloody jinx it. He hasn’t text me all day!

However I know that that’s not normal for him, and he’s probably busy (likely). And if it’s not that, and he’s changed his mind and in the last 24 hours has decided he doesn’t want to be with me at all (less likely), then I’ll cope, and we had a good few months together.

[ghosting]

Just to update, I’m feeling a lot more settled and things seem to be going alright (feel like I’m going to jinx it by posting this!).

I’ve been having CBT for anxiety and depression (which are both a lot better) so it really does feel like it was my stuff that was getting in the way and not really anything he was doing wrong.

I’m glad I stuck with it :)

What I find really helps is accepting that my feelings are not the truth, they are just feelings, and also that very often my interpretation of things/texts doesn’t fit at all with his previous behaviour/texts, it’s just me being paranoid, and therefore I know that it’s me rather than him, if you see what I mean.

[coolcahuna]

@ghosting, its really interesting when you identify personality types and attachment styles. In theory, with me being secure attachment and him being anxious, it could have worked once he was sure of me. But then his neediness made me needy when he started to care less! And I'm not remotely needy, I'm embarrassed now at how it made me feel and behave. The early promise with him was so amazing (I genuinely thought I had found my match) that I ignored a whole load of red flags in his behaviour and lifestyle (he didn't have any close friends and totally lacked in empathy. One of my best friends mum died and he was like 'shit happens'. He wouldn't have been there for me long term.)

I have dated someone since who was much more chilled out and none of this drama. I've realised the key for me with dating is to have clear plans in place - i.e. when are we seeing each other next. I then totally chill over messages and calls, so I am quite clear with people what I need if they want to date me.

[ghosting]

coolcahuna this Guy sounds very similar!

In terms of attachment styles he is avoidant and I am anxious, so we are playing this out very typically to how it would be expected!

He isn’t needy, but he is insecure. Massively so. But he struggles with me saying anything complimentary about him, because his self esteem is so low he doesn’t believe it.

[coolcahuna]

@ghosting. Well I think it was him as I've never had it before. He made me very anxious. Several reasons he was very intense so any lapse in that and I would question it.
He was also very emotionally closed and unavailable so i was constantly reading between the lines.
We had very different communication styles which was the issue. I'm secure attachment and he's an avoidant.

I know now I need someone more open and emotionally available.

There was may more bad than good with him.