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Original poster

To assume I've been ghosted?

610 replies

ghosting · 22/05/2018 13:57

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP posts:
Allnames · 18/06/2018 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ghosting · 18/06/2018 15:44

Thanks will have a look at some mindfulness stuff

OP posts:
bluedabadeedabadoo · 18/06/2018 18:27

Ghosting you are great!! You know yourself really well and that is fab!! Like I said before I am very much like you and I didn't know why I was. Your post about your childhood makes perfect sense. Although I didn't experience a childhood like this, this is what my previous 12 year relationship was like so I like you have developed a fear of saying no and a fear of being challenged. Unless you experience this it's really hard to understand. Strangely I'm not like this in any other area of my life..just relationships. I have a very demanding job where I manage staff in very complex circumstances and surprisingly at work I'm very confident and assertive!! Xx

Original poster
ghosting · 19/06/2018 06:07

Gosh I’m really not great at all. I’ve spent the last year working really hard to learn more about myself and improve myself. It’s been really tough but I have learnt loads and I’m hoping it will lead to a better future.

OP posts:
Original poster
ghosting · 20/06/2018 16:42

Gah. Having a bad day today. Whoever previously mentioned about the male imtimacy cycles sounds about right. I looked it up and it kind of fits.

It suits him to have a very part time relationship. We are busy, we get together when we can, it’s not too much for him.

On the other hand, I struggle with the constant disconnection and reconnection of that. Despite it being how I used to like to conduct relationships too. I hated people getting too close.

But I want more than that now. I now it’s super early days, and who knows what might happen in the future. But I’m not sure a part time relationship is enough for me anymore.

OP posts:
MrJohnReese · 20/06/2018 16:49

How part time is the relationship he wants to have?

I've read the whole thread (in bits and pieces) and I think that if you like this man you should relax and just see where it goes. You haven't known him long and it's still very early days.

It's totally normal for a man to withdraw a bit at times. Most men don't need to be in contact as much as women do and really need their own headspace.

MrJohnReese · 20/06/2018 16:50

Posted too soon.....also wanted to say that on the other hand if your gut feeling is not good about him obviously nip it in the bud.

Original poster
ghosting · 20/06/2018 17:16

It’s hard because he works long hours, sometimes out of the area. I work 3 jobs and have the children with me half the time. Maybe it’s not him wanting to be part time. Maybe it’s just actually the reality of our two lives at the moment - that is how it has to be.

OP posts:
Woollyteacosy · 08/07/2018 11:38

How's things now?

Original poster
ghosting · 13/07/2018 17:02

Things are SO up and down.

At the moment, not good.

I feel like I’m not genuinely being myself, because I’m worried that being myself will scare him away, but on the other hand I wonder if he can sense that anyway. It feels as though he is distancing himself but I get that’s totally my shit and is my main worry all the time. He is busy at work and doesn’t text = he’s not interested. He doesn’t text with the same regularity = he’s not interested. His texts have a different tone to usual = he’s not interested.

I’m mostly keeping all of this anxiety to myself. But it’s fucking exhausting. And I need to work on how I manage these feelings.

When we are together, it’s lovely :)

When we aren’t together, I’m a mess.

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 13/07/2018 17:16

Maybe your investing too much in him and giving him responsibility for making you happy. He doesn’t answer straight away? Fine. You need a coping mechanism for that so a walk, coffee with friends etc.

Maybe you should tell him about your anxiety.

Original poster
ghosting · 13/07/2018 17:25

He definitely doesn’t have any responsibility for making me happy. I have a life without him that I am/was happy with. I don’t need him to make me happy. I don’t need him to fulfil any part of my life. I like him, and I enjoy spending time with him. But I am responsible for my own happiness and I do plenty of stuff without him that fulfils that.

I suspect he would run a mile if I told him about the anxiety. His ex had anxiety and depression. It was an issue in their relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
ghosting · 13/07/2018 17:26

But agreed that I strategy for coping better wish my own anxiety. I read way too much into EVERYTHING.

OP posts:
BoiledFrog · 13/07/2018 18:26

He sounds so so like my recent ex it's scary. I could have written your last post, it's was all happy happy joy joy when we were together, but then the anxiety when we were apart (I was right to be anxious, he was up to all sorts, and I do mean all sorts).

We did end up doing a good line in trauma bonding and he even moved in with me for a few months.

Just be so so wary and careful. Really listen to those anxious feelings, are there any other little misgivings you are picking up on? Is he happy to open his phone in front of you? Or does it conveniently get put to one side, so he can pay attention to you?

I really really wish I had listened to my gut, good luck

ChristmasFluff · 13/07/2018 18:27

This relationship is what? Three months old? Should be all candlelight and roses and fun and excitement.

Instead its all second guessing and worrying and explaining away and crap.

This is as good as it is ever going to be.

If the problem is with you, OP, then deal with that away from trying to make a relationship on such shaky ground. If it's him, then it's not the relationship for you.

So many people try to heal their wounds by finding a partner, when really, their inner being/inner child is crying out to be met by them themselves.

Are you important enough to grant yourself the time to do that? xxx

Booboobooboo84 · 13/07/2018 18:49

But your relationship doesn’t stand a chance unless your honest. One persons anxiety isn’t the same as another’s. Give him a chance.

OutofTyme · 13/07/2018 19:07

Ghosting do you tend to be like this in any relationship or just this one?

Allnames · 13/07/2018 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ghosting · 13/07/2018 19:12

Ghosting do you tend to be like this in any relationship or just this one?

Good question. My last relationship was my marriage which ended 2 years ago and we were together for about 16 years. So to be honest I can’t remember if I am always like this.

However, I have ended every single relationship I have been in since I had my heart broken age 14. So usually if I were to feel like this, where someone is pulling away (and I’m aware now that may just be in my imagination and not actually happening) and I fear the end of the relationship, I wwanna I’ll end it first to try and minimise my own hurt.

So thia relationship feels different, because finally I am allowing myself to be vulnerable and open, and accepting that I might get hurt. It’s taken a long time to get to this post where I can face the possibility of being hurt/someone else ending the relationship. But I’m ready for it. I just wasn’t anticipating the huge anxiety that usually I would get rid of by ending the relationship. This time I am sitting with it. But it’s really hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
ghosting · 13/07/2018 19:13

Thanks Allnames will look at those

OP posts:
PowerPantsRule · 13/07/2018 20:27

Ghosting - am late to the thread but I hope this works out for you. You don't sound in the least desperate. You sound to me like a lovely, intelligent person who suffers from anxiety (as do I and sop many others) ....please ignore any negative bollocks on here like that shitty desperate comment.

Well done for maintaining those boundaries. You should be proud.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 13/07/2018 21:56

His ex had anxiety and depression. It was an issue in their relationship.

Weird that she had this and now you have it too. Maybe he's the common denominator?

Original poster
ghosting · 13/07/2018 21:59

Weird that she had this and now you have it too. Maybe he's the common denominator?

Haha, I have had these for years! Maybe he just has a type!

OP posts:
scoobyd2 · 13/07/2018 22:21

Been lurking on this thread. OP it maybe time for a bit of an open discussion, but nothing heavy, maybe over a glass of wine (each). I see a bit of myself in you, I get very into a relationship and want the best - everything in fact - from it; I worry about prolonged silences meaning he's just lost interest when I was just committing emotionally.. But actually, leave me to my own devices, I'm happy as Larry. Happier in fact.
What are your relative circumstances? I had a long distance relationship for 18 months, I was perfectly happy as I was used to my own space, so had the best of both worlds; DP (as he was then) wanted more without putting in the effort - and that didn't suit me. We split, I stayed single and very happy.
If you know you want someone else in your life, you need to be sure they are there, both when you need them, and when they need you. If that's not happening, you have to ask are they capable of adapting to what you want (or vice versa), or do you need to walk away, and have a think.
I was never happier when me and DP were together - either geographically in the same place, or emotionally over the phone. But the sadness, the misery, the uncertainty, in between those times, well it just wasn't worth it. On the whole, I was happier without him.
Step back, weigh up what's good and what's bad. And move on from there. I learned that I loved my own company more than anyone else's.

princesstiasmum · 13/07/2018 22:38

I started reading this thread at the beginning, and only just come back to it, and nothing seems to have improved,
It is like reading my own life story for the last 2 years
I have been through exactly what you are going through Ghosting and sorry to say you are fighting a losing battle with this man
I decided a coup[e of months ago, to stop all the anxiety over him, would he call, text, contact me, lovely when together, worried sick when not,and wondering why,and not always a good explanation
I still miss him, but cant go through the anxiety again
I hope your ending is better than mine, but i doubt it will be
Why put yourself through this, he is not worth it