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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does DH feel need to provide constant negative commentary?

190 replies

shiklah · 21/05/2018 12:58

DH has a habit of making constant negative comments and dragging everyone down all time time.

Small examples from yesterday:
DD13 has PMT and her skin has erupted. She is upset. I gave her a mini facial and reduced the pimples a lot, massaged her back and discussed how this will pass, and that most people experience these things, she calmed down and after a little cry got dressed and was looking forward to the cinema. As she was putting her shoes on DH said "you have a spot in your ear, did you know?" She burst into tears.
Later DS14 was very excited about seeing a film and being a bit controlling - trying to force us all to arrive an hour early by rushing us all at the shops. I told him to go and wait outside and he did, with ill grace, muttering as he walked off. I paid, went out, had a chat with him and he apologised, we had a hug, then DH quips "when he walked off he called you a 'miserable old woman'"
I asked why he felt the need to tell me and his response is that he is a very honest person.
These are 2 small examples, it is a constant drain.

AIBU to think there is a passive aggressive element to this? He also constantly witters on about how many jobs he has to do, how shit and miserable his life is, how he never gets to do things he wants, how unappreciated he is - but when I calmly point out the facts he just says "well, that is how I feel."

He was not like this when we were younger (been together since we were 18) but seems to have turned into a grumpy old man (he's 43) and I need advice, I can't keep having every weekend and holiday spoiled by his negativity.

OP posts:
whatamistake · 21/05/2018 13:02

Call him on it - Every. Single. Time.

Tell him you are also ‘an honest person’ and his negative comments are dragging you all down and frankly speaking totally unnecessary. If he has nothing pleasant to say, perhaps say nothing.

Sounds like my dh. Pain in the butt

MsVestibule · 21/05/2018 13:06

Christ almighty, what a misery he is. I hate The 'I call a spade a spade' types.

Is he likely to change if you have a proper chat about it, at a time that he isn't actually being an arse?

MrsJayy · 21/05/2018 13:09

Dh can be like this I swear he has no filter I have to point out that other people have feelings and he doesn't need to let stuff spill out every time a thought pops into his head, you need to challange your husband everytime yes I know it is exhausting but he needs to know not everybody appreciates his honesty

Original poster
shiklah · 21/05/2018 13:11

I have been calling him out on it for almost a year now, ever single time. It's exhausting and nothing has changed. The DC are utterly sick of it as well. This morning DS had to wake DH up after he switched his alarm off and went back to sleep, he then got up and was incredibly unpleasant to everyone because we were 'making him late'. I called him out on it and he started raging about DS not helping him in the garden which is why he's so tired - that'll be the garden I was told I'd ruined when I pruned some lavender a whole week too early last year. FFS sorry for the rant but I am at the end of my tether and just want a nice summer with my DC.

He has morphed into a miserable malcontent who claims to crave days off he can spend painting, taking photographs, attending concerts, tending his vegetable patch and other high culture but when he actually has time to himself lies on the sofa paying on the Nintendo or watching Game of Thrones whilst eating cheese on toast! Grrrr Angry

OP posts:
vampirethriller · 21/05/2018 13:13

It's not being honest, it's actively trying to upset people. My mother does it and it really grinds you down.

MrsJayy · 21/05/2018 13:16

He sounds a total pain in the arse tbh could he be depressed ? Stuck in a rut not that helps you or the kids but he maybe doesn't realise what a miserable git he is,

BellaHadidHere · 21/05/2018 13:17

"Shut up, you nasty little cunt" should do the trick.

Deehit · 21/05/2018 13:22

My partner is the same to the point my friends and family don't come round anymore because he is rude.

GummyGoddess · 21/05/2018 13:26

I don't know how but stop him! You can't spend the next however many decades like this. Will he be ruining the DC's exam results by being negative about those too? Their degrees, first jobs, weddings, DC?

Nobody wants to be around a whingey person.

Dljlr · 21/05/2018 13:27

who claims to crave days off he can spend painting, taking photographs, attending concerts, tending his vegetable patch and other high culture but when he actually has time to himself lies on the sofa paying on the Nintendo or watching Game of Thrones whilst eating cheese on toast!

Sorry op but this did make me laugh! I think rather than simply calling him out when he does it try to actually sit him down and address it directly. Tell him it's been going on for a year, that he's becoming a grumpy old man, that it's spoiling what would otherwise be pleasant time with the family. He might not realise how negative he's being. If he's not willing to accept that this is what he's doing then I don't know what you can do... My ex was very much like this towards the end of our relationship (we were also together since 18, for fourteen years) and probably still is though thankfully now I don't have to live with it. It's draining, and the constant moaning about how shit his life is just devalues everything you've made together.

Furano · 21/05/2018 13:36

He sounds so draining.

Do you like him? Do you love him? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him?

OliviaStabler · 21/05/2018 13:40

Wow, classic mood hoover.

spookytime · 21/05/2018 13:41

Are his parents like this? Or people at work? I find that negativity can be infectious.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/05/2018 13:45

How miserable.

Maybe show him this thread. And then make a sign to hold up every time he starts:

YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN, VICTOR MELDREW.
WE ARE ALL SICK OF IT
PLEASE STOP.

SaltyPeanut · 21/05/2018 13:46

The last two paragraphs of your original post could have been written by me. I also frequently waste my breath calling him out about it to no avail.

It drags you down but I think that might be his intention as mine occasionally refrains from this constant whinging once he sees me thoroughly depressed.

I have no idea how to make the miserable bastardness stop, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

Men who are miserable bastards eh! Can't live with em, can't stab em in the head with a fork.

Original poster
shiklah · 21/05/2018 13:50

@MrsJayy - he is depressed, has been prescribed medication and has not been attending regular appointments to try and improve things/get help.

@Furano - I do love him but don't like his behaviour much at the moment. I want the old him back - we used to have so much fun. I am utterly drained.
@Dljlr - I find this funny too - and his inability to accept himself as he is. I love to read, very dense complex books that challenge me, I also love to put on a face pack and watch 3 hours of Queer Eye with DD whilst we eat ice cream - I am happy with myself and love being with DC, he seems to want to spoil it.
@vampirethriller - it does seem that way sometimes - but why - why ruin the fun of the people you love and spend all your time with? Why be down on your kids when they are so fantastic? I find it utterly baffling.

OP posts:
Original poster
shiklah · 21/05/2018 13:51

Wow Moodhoover - that's a good one

OP posts:
QuizzlyBear · 21/05/2018 13:54

He sounds like a shit-stirring twat OP, sorry.

While he's not in your husband's league, mine is also very 'grass is greener' - he regularly tells me that he'd have more social life if we lived back in the City, that his commute would barely exist etc. In reality he'd rather not make the effort to see his friends or make new ones and the commute was nearly as long crossing busy London!

Maybe it's the age (of malcontents)...

BonsaiBear · 21/05/2018 13:54

Urgh. Yea this sort of grumpy whingeing behaviour went a long way to me losing all respect and attraction to my ex.

I don't know what the answer is. In my case, I just gave it up as a bad job in the end as it combined with other draining behaviours that just made him a liability rather than contributing anything positive to my life.

I guess I can only suggest that you try and sit down and have another frank talk about just how much his behaviour is impacting everyone. But tbh if you have pulled him up consistently for so long I doubt he has any intention of changing or really cares how it affects everyone else.

Original poster
shiklah · 21/05/2018 13:55

@spookytime his parents are the most miserable bastards I have ever met. They justify their alcoholism by saying the world is such an awful place etc etc. FIL converted to be a Catholic 10 years ago and since then is miserable and intensely devout, which is a draining combo. I don't speak to them at all and avoid them having contact with DC. DH is low contact for his mental health.
DH hates his job fiercely but doesn't ever look for anything else.

OP posts:
Sausagerollers · 21/05/2018 13:58

Can you sit down with him and explain how he is upsetting the whole household with his negativity and then introduce a "codeword" that you can use when he says something negative I.e. "squirrel" or something equally random.

Then do a tally of how many times you/the kids have to say squirrel in a day, stuck to the fridge or something?

Hopefully the stark realisation of how many times a day he is depressing his family will force him into recognising that you, he and your children don't deserve to keep living with his negativity.

Ohsuchaperfectday · 21/05/2018 13:58

Sounds like Mil.

Thankfully we didn't have to watch the R wedding with her but I can imagine the endless - flat negative comments!

UpstartCrow · 21/05/2018 13:58

Tell him if he's allowed to feel hurt because that's how he feels, then he can learn some tact and not hurt his children's feelings.

I wonder if him turning into a dick coincides with his children becoming teenagers. What was his Dad like with him at that age?

BonsaiBear · 21/05/2018 13:59

Wow - your updates really strike a chord because my ex's (notes the EX bit) parents were like this - and he used to moan like crazy about their negativity!

He also refused proper help for depression, constantly moaned about his job yet refused to look for a new one, made the snippy comments when there was no need. And yet when we met he was lovely, sunny and fun to be around.

I can only suggest that depression is probably the cause but you can't be held hostage to someone's mental health condition when they refuse to manage it.

Ariesgirl1988 · 21/05/2018 14:00

Tbh he sounds depressed and it seems his negativity is his outlet, however that's no excuse to constantly make everyone else feel low. I think you need to get tough with him be brutally honest and say he needs to do his treatment or his behaviour is gonna end up backfiring badly on him in years to come when the kids are older and its gonna end up wrecking your relationship and if he don't change and is so unhappy then move out. That might shock him into doing something