Why does DH feel need to provide constant negative commentary?

[shiklah]

DH has a habit of making constant negative comments and dragging everyone down all time time.

Small examples from yesterday:
DD13 has PMT and her skin has erupted. She is upset. I gave her a mini facial and reduced the pimples a lot, massaged her back and discussed how this will pass, and that most people experience these things, she calmed down and after a little cry got dressed and was looking forward to the cinema. As she was putting her shoes on DH said "you have a spot in your ear, did you know?" She burst into tears.
Later DS14 was very excited about seeing a film and being a bit controlling - trying to force us all to arrive an hour early by rushing us all at the shops. I told him to go and wait outside and he did, with ill grace, muttering as he walked off. I paid, went out, had a chat with him and he apologised, we had a hug, then DH quips "when he walked off he called you a 'miserable old woman'"
I asked why he felt the need to tell me and his response is that he is a very honest person.
These are 2 small examples, it is a constant drain.

AIBU to think there is a passive aggressive element to this? He also constantly witters on about how many jobs he has to do, how shit and miserable his life is, how he never gets to do things he wants, how unappreciated he is - but when I calmly point out the facts he just says "well, that is how I feel."

He was not like this when we were younger (been together since we were 18) but seems to have turned into a grumpy old man (he's 43) and I need advice, I can't keep having every weekend and holiday spoiled by his negativity.

You're not responsible for the fact that he['s turned into a knob. You're not his mother.

He sounds like he has serious issues with his parents. And is still living in a that victim hood. And a is a frustrated (probably lazy and unconfident too) artist. It's easier for him to blame his parents, you, the grind of working and parenting than to accept his choices and upbringing.

Honestly I would bring him in the here and now. Basically tell him you can't live like this anymore. He needs to either accept his life and find joy in it or you will separate and he can go of and pursue his creative hobbies.

I suspect he will come back with 'it's too late for me' 'I could never abandon my responsibilities for you and the children'

Challenge him and say you don't want him here out of duty, and if he really believes it's too late for him then he needs to accept that and try and enjoy what is left of his life.

And then stick to it. I suspect this will be the kind of man who will buck up when it's too late and you no longer care. So force the issue while you still do. And be prepared to walk away. Even a temporary separation might get him to put everything into perspective.

You can't live like this, and neither can your children. Sorry you are in this situation

Say it out loud. NOW.

"I am not his mother and I'm not responsible for his happiness"

How does he react when you suggest taking some of the chores off him, by employing a cleaner/gardener/ironing service?

re couples counselling - we did go about 6 years ago - we had 1 session at relate. We weren't communicating at the time due to his depression. It was hopeless tbh. The therapist asked a lot of questions about his relationship with his parents etc and he got a bit upset and then she told me that DH needed love and support as he had suffered abuse and I said that I was aware of his background, but that we wanted to use the sessions to focus on improving our relationship and our communication and she told me that I couldn't make him communicate and I should be glad I had such a sensitive and loving DH - he'd barely spoken at this point and was just looking shocked. The session didn't really get going as he wouldn't speak and every time I spoke she told me I couldn't speak for him (I wasn't trying to!). When we left he said he wouldn't go back if they were going to speak to me like that, and then go increasingly angry as the night went on. If I try and discuss it again he says it was a waste of time and theres no point.

I know he loves me, he is very critical of other people and holds me on a pedestal in many ways. It is odd. He is entirely dependant on me and has let all his other friendships slide, drift and does not want new ones. He is well liked, but avoids company.

A BACP qualified counsellor would probably be better than Relate.

Also suggest Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does he Do That?

@pigmcpigface when I suggest it he says "No, I can do those things and then at least I am useful"
me - "But I would rather have a happy home than a perfect garden, why don't we get someone in once a fortnight and enjoy the weekend"
"No, they wouldn't do it the way I want it done"

and that is that.

He is a perfectionist and I cannot say he is wrong, just that he is misguided. I did have someone build a small animal shelter last summer (against his wishes but I knew it would be quite an involved job and I didn't want to help him!) and was so horrified by the standard of work (it was fine - an animal shelter for animals fgs). He immediately went out and bought all the materials and constructed a wood store for the house - it is a work of art - honestly people have asked where we got it it's beautiful - trellises, beautiful paintwork, logs stacked in artful symmetrical stacks 'just so'. But instead of being pleased he was furious - look what a bad job they did (it's fine )- we paid for that and it's no good - no one has pride in their work etc etc. God it was boring.

Thank you for suggestions re Therapists - I will encourage him and take a look. Should I speak to GP?

I was scrolling through the thread because I was thinking of phrase we bellow (mainly in jest) at each other in our family “KEEP IT IN YOUR HEAD!”. He’s an adult and while adults can not control how they feel, they are absolutely the boss of their own mouths and should take responsibility for editing their words. ‘Honesty’ is not some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card that can be deployed to shirk responsibility for rudeness, thoughtlessness or just being hurtful. He needs to grow up.

The problem is clearly more serious than that though and although ‘keep it in your head’ might help on occasion, it’s not going to fix things. You’ve had lots of good advice already but the other thing that strikes me is that he sounds a bit scared. For as long as we don’t actually try at something, we don’t have to confront the possibility that we might just not be good enough. It’s easier for him to blame you, or his past, or some non-specific circumstances for his situation than it is to try and change it. It sounds as though he’s scared to do things, big or small things, in case he has to deal with not being good enough.

I hope you find a way through this though. It sounds terribly draining but also as though there are lots of good things which could be worth working for, if your dh is prepared to try.

I could be like this if I don't stop myself. My mum constantly criticises and says negative things. Always has since I can remember. Quite often I answer the door and before I say hello she says something negative. Dh has pulled me up on it lots and I really have made improvements.

Talk to your dh about it. Point out what he is doing, how it makes you all feel. I balance it with my mum by making a real effort to be overly positive around her.

@DoubleRamsey what you say is very true. His parents are not pleasant people and seem very angry with the world. They would see themselves as much 'better' than my working class background and have made barbed jokes about me having poor breeding etc. They refused to have anything to do with our wedding as it wasn't in a church (I am an atheist) and make nasty comments about me so I avoid them and when we do see them (about once a year) I make sure I am busy and don't get drawn in. I don't let them bully DC thou and when FIL made a unkind comment about DD wearing make up I shut him down immediately which will not have gone down well (I didn't stick around to hear the fall out!).

He needs to realise that his perfectionism is costing him the chance to develop. I suspect that actually he is far less of a stickler than he would like to present, and far more using these daily activities as an excuse to evade his responsibility to look after himself. Chores have become a way of avoiding the fact that he needs to take big, scary decisions about the course of his life. He's not being fulfilled by then, since he is constantly frustrated and grumpy. And, in part of his head, he is blaming you and the kids for this. (Deeply unfairly).

I suspect the criticism and carping about the work of others is part of the same thing. It's an ego defence. While he's super critical he can feel superior. When he takes artistic risks, he is vulnerable. He needs to get himself to a place where he feels able to take those risks (he is quite possibly his own worst critic, destroyed by self-doubt, and taking it out on you).

Basically he needs to be a whole lot more honest with himself. And he needs to recognise that he is very lucky in the sense that he has a supportive and stable family who love him in a way that is not conditional on artistic success.

Teenagers are hard work, esp if you are not used to them day in and day out.

Are you having enough time together?

Is he having enough time to do the things he wants? If he is just working, and then doing things for them all of the time it is natural to feel worn down.

If I don't get enough down time I can be terribly grumpy. Some people need more space than others. I would think about spending some time less as a family possibly and more doing some grown up adult cultural things together and see if this improves things?

The sniping is almost certainly coming from a place of resentment.

Maybe he is also jealous of your good relationship with your teen dc?

oh wow his parents....

increasingly I feel you and your DC would be better off without him. Those are the kind of grandparents I'd be going NC with for a start...they sound like they could knock the DC confidence horribly.

and they just sound horrendous full stop.

My husband grows older, he’s now 65, he becomes more like both his parents at that age. I think it is genetic rather than copied behaviour.

You will end up married to someone similar to his parents if he doesn’t work on it. You need to try to nip it in the bud by telling him his negative comments are tearing up the family. Help him over come this.

I tell my husband when he says something his dad would say - “Remember when we used to call your dad misery guts? Well you sound just like him. Do you want to be known as misery guts”?

the 2 examples you gave in your first post aren't just him being unkind, they are him actively undoing your parenting - in the first example, you had cheered DD up and soothed her worries, so he had to chip in and make her feel crap again. In the second example, you had resolved a difficult moment with your son, and your OH attempted to re-start the fight.

Does he do this often? Part of a pattern of undermining your achievements as a parent?

it's like he sees himself as one of your kids, and the interactions between him and DD and DS yesterday are like a jealous sibling who is pissed off that someone managed to achieve peace.

I had one of those. Note 'had'. He has an alcohol problem on top of it all and initially I thought that was the main problem - but now he is not living with us, I realise his negativity was just as bad and has had an awful impact on our DDs. They have bounced back in the 5 months since his departure and we are now a happy family of three.

By all means give your H a last chance to get his act together, but you also need to consider the impact he is having on you and your family. It isn't an insignificant thing.

Hmmm. Given what you say about your FIL and your DH’s relationship with him, maybe point out that he’s becoming more like him! Would that be enough to shock him into getting help?

I will try to reply to this properly later but wanted to follow the thread as my Dad is very similar to what you're describing here!
So negative, pessimistic, hot-headed, grumpy, miserable, draining... So hard to be around sometimes. I'm lucky as I don't have to live with him anymore but my poor Mum gets it day in, day out.

" he says "If only everyone was as perfect as you" if I offer advice. "

Hang on, WHAT? That isn't depression, that is straight up bitchiness and attitude.
It sounds rather like youre dealing with what happens when someone whos had a large measure of success come easy most of his life suddenly finds his partner doing better than him at the things he measures success in. Hes had a disney lifestyle by the sounds of it (hard childhood but was later revealed as a handsome muscular prince who all the maidens danced around and sang with bluebirds) and hes now bitching because other people have successes while he still doesnt have everything he wants in life right now.
How thoughtless of the children to have an accomplishment when he isnt a world-famous artist yet? How mean of you to have an opinion thats probably correct and rub your successful opinion-having brain in his face? He should be giving advice to other people!

OP, artists who make art, er, make art. If he was that good he would have got a scholarship to foundation - are you telling me he hasn't even got an art degree? When's the last time he did anything on a piece? People who do it for a living can't really help working sometimes, if not all the time.

Sounds like the 'I could have been a rock star' schtick. He's got you over a barrel, hasn't he. Holding the family ransom to his happiness.Which, as he keeps snippily pointing out, is in no way related to them as a source of joy. Indeed, you're being blamed.

I know you think the children aren't being affected but I reckon they are. Living with a drain is exhausting, and it will damage their views on doing well. The undercurrents must be dragging them down.