Why does DH feel need to provide constant negative commentary?

[shiklah]

DH has a habit of making constant negative comments and dragging everyone down all time time.

Small examples from yesterday:
DD13 has PMT and her skin has erupted. She is upset. I gave her a mini facial and reduced the pimples a lot, massaged her back and discussed how this will pass, and that most people experience these things, she calmed down and after a little cry got dressed and was looking forward to the cinema. As she was putting her shoes on DH said "you have a spot in your ear, did you know?" She burst into tears.
Later DS14 was very excited about seeing a film and being a bit controlling - trying to force us all to arrive an hour early by rushing us all at the shops. I told him to go and wait outside and he did, with ill grace, muttering as he walked off. I paid, went out, had a chat with him and he apologised, we had a hug, then DH quips "when he walked off he called you a 'miserable old woman'"
I asked why he felt the need to tell me and his response is that he is a very honest person.
These are 2 small examples, it is a constant drain.

AIBU to think there is a passive aggressive element to this? He also constantly witters on about how many jobs he has to do, how shit and miserable his life is, how he never gets to do things he wants, how unappreciated he is - but when I calmly point out the facts he just says "well, that is how I feel."

He was not like this when we were younger (been together since we were 18) but seems to have turned into a grumpy old man (he's 43) and I need advice, I can't keep having every weekend and holiday spoiled by his negativity.

Does he keep fit then? That’s a (time consuming) hobby and good for health - both physical and mental.

I work around 30 hours and DH works around yours and actually it’s no picnic for me, I carry much more of the domestic work and parenting, am often v knackered in the evenings and weekends, and have limited leisure time, so do nothing creative. My career is stuck etc.

Imagine his ego is bruised from being lower earner - I know a few blokes with a chip on shoulder about this and they don’t come across well to others if they show it.

Squishy, that sounds a lot like my experience with exH - I thought everything was fine, just these little things...but when he was actually away for a while I realised the horrible squashing effect his negativity was having on us.

I also had that feeling of, can't he see how lucky he is? He thinks I was crazy to throw away that "good life", but it wasn't good with someone bitching and moaning about it all the time. Friends call him Eeyore. It fits.

In all seriousness now, given your updates, it sounds like you have grown a lot since your early years together and he hasn't really. Maybe he feels threatened because he senses you may be leaving him behind, so to speak. Maybe his response is to try and drag you backwards so he doesn't feel so bad about not being as forward focused and high achieving as you seem.

OP have you considered that this is nothing to do with depression?

I have anxiety and depression and was very pleased to see the recent study confirming the use of medication as being really beneficial.

however, my core personality remains the same and I think that's true for a lot of people.

I can't help noticing that depression and anxiety are trotted out as excuses for bad behaviour quite often. But I think most sufferers manage to just...behave normally. You say you've seen him treated and untreated - he was basically the same and constantly talking shite? That's pretty telling.

cross post with Salty Peanut - yy to what she says too.

@spookytime - I have told him this, subtly and bluntly. Most forcefully after xmas when he was really unpleasant and I told him straight. He was very apologetic but then goes back into his mood.

@pigmcpigface - yes, it is like that to an extent because he refuses to suggest or do anything at all. When we were looking to move he didn't look at any house details - if I held the computer in front of him he would smile and say 'looks nice' but nothing more. When I found one I liked he came and looked and liked it so we moved - he had no real opinion to voice.

He has never instigated anything at all - he says this is lack of confidence but idk. He did do a surprise proposal with a ring, and he did book a lovely weekend break for my 40th birthday - both were an outstanding success so it can't be that he feels things he has done are not valued.
I would love for him to suggest something for us all to do, or make plans to do something he'd enjoy alone. I have told him this, we share all our money so that is not an issue either.

He seems to just have an ingrained sense of 'everything is shit' despite evidence to the contrary.

My DP is a constant moaner, no matter where we are or who we are with. It's a constant drain, so now every time he opens his mouth to speak I say to him
"smile while your talking please" - que eye rolling and muttering and I repeat
"Smile while your talking"
And he does then we usually get a laugh, it seems hard to moan and smile. And then we all go back to ignoring the moaning and wind him up by saying "smile!" 😁

"I know that he has been viewed as a talented man who has sacrificed his chances to trail behind his 'career woman' wife. But that is not the case, I would have loved more equality and have encouraged it constantly."

I think your problem is not just that others see things in this (rather sexist) way, but that he also does.

For whatever reason he's really, really not feeling satisfied with his life right now. He needs to take some responsibility for the choices he has made, in order to be able to see where he has agency for change, and where he doesn't. You need to make some space where you can listen to each other, because it sounds to me like there is a big underlying problem behind this apparently minor, annoying behaviour and that it is related to his ego and self-perception. It is possible simultaneously to be pleased for one's partner's success and rather envious of it!

My mother is like this.

A week after my daughter was born I was doing some shopping in town.
I bumped into my mothers friend and we chatted for a few moments.
I saw my mother that evening and she said" I hear you met friend X in town today- she told me you look terrible"

I mean really- why would you share that? I asked my mother why she wanted to pass that on - she said " I am only telling the truth".

Your most recent post really says it all - he is ultra-passive, but that passivity isn't making him happy. Has he tried to create opportunities for change and been thwarted in the past? Perhaps he lacks the confidence even to try any more?

Salty - you are extremely perceptive. reading all these posts and feeling quite sad it has suddenly occurred to me that he stopped maturing at the age of 18 and became utterly dependant on me. His misery seeps into me like it would if he was my child, my responsibility.

I feel very low. Thank you for taking time to comment, kind women, I appreciate it so much and don't feel so alone.

I can't talk to anyone in RL as I feel ashamed that when we have everything, he is so grumpy - I know people will think it is me with my 'high standards' - but they don't see the truth.

He sounds tough to be around at the moment, but if he's been diagnosed with depression then I believe we should focus on that – the snide comments and negativity are a symptom of his low mood. Depression's a horrible illness, and it's particularly debilitating for those men who don't feel able to talk about it, or who think that it's not a valid illness compared to physical conditions.

I don't know if your DH sees it like this, but it sounds as though he needs more or different help. NHS resources for mental health are stretched at the moment but if the current treatment isn't working (or isn't suited to the way he wants to tackle it - not everyone finds CBT helpful, for example) then it's time for a return trip to the GP to explain what's not working, and it might be useful for you to go together so you can explain how it's affecting the family unit.

I don't want to bring everyone down but depression can escalate quickly. It can also run in families so it might be helpful for your children to see this being tackled in a positive way – in case it affects them in the future.

I have one of those. It's so draining. I look forward to time off together, usually after half a day I'm ready for it to end. Sorry I have no advice, but if you find a magic fix, please share! 😂

Something needs to change.

Couples counselling might work as you will be there to be honest. It might shock him into being honest too - which might not be all that comfortable.

I do wonder if this is habit, but so deeply ingrained that it will be hard to remove. With depressed and negative parents, all normal spontaneous child happiness can get squashed and undermined so often, multiple times a day, whereas negative or sarky comments get approval as being 'sensible' and 'realistic'. I know some of that has happened to ds

What about responding as if he has said something nice? So he says 'you've got a spot in your ear' to dd, and you say 'why yes I AM the girl with the shiniest hair in the class, thanks for the compliment!' etc.

He also throws compliments in a nasty way. I had a great success at work 3 weeks ago and when I told him (quite giddy) his response "yes, that's brilliant, you're fantastic, everything you do turns golden" but in a dead pan voice that made me well up with tears.
DS won a national code cracking competition at a Russell Group University (one of only 9 under 16's picked) and was in the press - DH response to me (he did congratulate DS appropriately) - "no, I don't want a drink, this isn's my celebration. I wonder what I could have achieved if I had had a parent like you" again deadpanned and I am crushed - holding my fizz and grinning but just devastated inside.
DD has been asked to compete for the county at sport - his response "I could have been that good you know, but no one would take me to practise"
and on and on and on and on

I've been minimising it.

Moodhoover

Or fun sponge.

My mother was very much like this until she met her second husband. My stepfather was a very positive influence on her for the last years of her life.
I have a streak of negativity like this myself, but I have tried to stop myself as much as possible, because it drags everyone down, including me.
He needs to get a grip.

He sounds like a fun vacuum, I'd be telling him that too.

I am reading all the replies carefully and am grateful, I am a bit overwhelmed and shaken. I really do appreciate your kind words, thank you all

his response "yes, that's brilliant, you're fantastic, everything you do turns golden" but in a dead pan voice that made me well up with tears.

God, that's awful, shiklah! And the ones he's saying to the children.Being unable to celebrate other's success is so bloody mean-spirited.

He's a nasty bitch.

'Honesty' = the bully's defence.

I can well understand he thinks he's a failure - ironically, the way he's reacting to not being New Damien Hirst, being spiteful to the children and rude to you, has made him a true failure.

He's using your career as the reason his isn't working - call him on it. This is really near the knuckle, so be gentle - remind him that his wife and kids are not the reason he's not Michaelangelo.

You need to call him out every time. He's lost in his own misery and cannot see that he's being a shit head. ANd to be honest if I didn't see any improvement within the next few months I WOULD leave him because life is short and you are worth more.

at his responses to other people's success. WTF?

shiklah - It sounds like he feels a complete failure in life, and lacks the ability to see what he can or can't change to alter that. He can't even take joy/pride in his own kids' achievements, because he's comparing himself negatively to a nine year old. While that is ridiculous for you to deal with, it speaks volumes about his sense of self-worth right now.

It's NOT your job to carry him or cure him - he needs to take some initiative to sort out his own life. Lots of people have a rough start, and let's not minimise the significance of that on career outcomes etc. But if he lets this define him, forever, then he will end up old and bitter and perhaps also regretful that he didn't take the chances that WERE available. He may not be able to find the intiative and the structure to do this intiially - he may need help and support. For example, if he wants to paint, don't just buy him some paper and some watercolours. Get him onto a course that will encourage him to do this in a structured way, with projects and deadlines, and support from tutors.

I think if this is to heal, it has to start wiht you both listening to each other. You sound stressed and overstretched, as you're carrying the emotional weight of the whole family single-handed. (Are you possibly a victim of your own competence here?) He sounds passive to the point of paralysis, and lost. I've seen men in that state make some very, very stupid decisions.

He does congratulate the DC on their achievements but also digs at me later when they aren't there. He is generally very kind to them although he does have 'tantrums' sometimes and moans about his life - but he doesn't suck the pleasure from their achievements as he does mine.

He sounds miserable and vindictive - he doesn't feel happy, so he's going to lash out at everyone to keep them on edge, to prevent anyone from relaxing into contentment.

I think he needs to examine why he feels it's ok to do that, to punish others for his feelings. It's Incredibly self-indulgent and self-important - and is a way of making his frustrations with himself 'somebody else's fault' so he never addresses them or learns more productive strategies.

Did his early-life successes come easily? I'm wondering if he's one of those people who always did well without much effort, so hasn't learnt any resliience. Then, when something goes wrong, they have no idea how to fix it - they don't 'know' that effort is the only way and, while it doesn't work immediately or every time, things will come good in the end if you keep on trying.

Might that relate to the not actually doing any painting etc? He expects easy wins, rather than to have to to try? Thing is, with stuff like that (also exercise), it does take a burst of motivation to get started, which is hard to come by if you are depressed but, once you do, habits form very quickly and it becomes so easy to run with the new activity.

Do you feel happier when he's not there? Do the DC? If so, you really have to think about that and how it might be longer term.

You should enforce your wish about the holiday, if that's possible. Who wants to go away with a misery? Holidays are for escaping miserable mundanity, not taking it with you!