Why does DH feel need to provide constant negative commentary?

[shiklah]

DH has a habit of making constant negative comments and dragging everyone down all time time.

Small examples from yesterday:
DD13 has PMT and her skin has erupted. She is upset. I gave her a mini facial and reduced the pimples a lot, massaged her back and discussed how this will pass, and that most people experience these things, she calmed down and after a little cry got dressed and was looking forward to the cinema. As she was putting her shoes on DH said "you have a spot in your ear, did you know?" She burst into tears.
Later DS14 was very excited about seeing a film and being a bit controlling - trying to force us all to arrive an hour early by rushing us all at the shops. I told him to go and wait outside and he did, with ill grace, muttering as he walked off. I paid, went out, had a chat with him and he apologised, we had a hug, then DH quips "when he walked off he called you a 'miserable old woman'"
I asked why he felt the need to tell me and his response is that he is a very honest person.
These are 2 small examples, it is a constant drain.

AIBU to think there is a passive aggressive element to this? He also constantly witters on about how many jobs he has to do, how shit and miserable his life is, how he never gets to do things he wants, how unappreciated he is - but when I calmly point out the facts he just says "well, that is how I feel."

He was not like this when we were younger (been together since we were 18) but seems to have turned into a grumpy old man (he's 43) and I need advice, I can't keep having every weekend and holiday spoiled by his negativity.

I think people like OP's DH live a kind of catch22 existence. They are negative, no-one likes being around negative people, therefore they feel isolated and resentful. The cycle then perpetuates itself. I know someone like this. If they hear someone is successful, then they must be from a well-off background, had a leg-up, had good connections etc. Rather than being pleased for people, they always look for a down-side.

Bottom line, he resents you.

Please don’t feel disloyal. You really haven’t been. You are just trying to make sense of contradictory feelings and behaviours. You don’t make him feel like shit. He just does. If he’d never met you, he’d still feel like shit. It’s not impossible that you could stay together and be happy but only if he acknowledges his problems and responsibilities. You can’t do it for him. You seem to be someone who has overcome many things and I think you will find a way through this too. I bet everyone on this thread does. Wishing you fortitude op.

I completely agree @GetOffTheTableMabel.
It's not that things can't be better, but he has to want to change. You can't do it for him.

Thanks

I have ordered the Lindy Bankcroft book and will read.

He is a miserable git and people are slowly starting to see that - my mum, my best friend etc. But the tall, handsome sensitive artistic type and the fact he loves animals and the way he nursed his dying granny and takes my grans hand as she gets out the car - all these things are also part of who he is too and it's all confusing.

I know that if I was very sick he'd be unable to cope and everything would collapse, but I also know he'd never leave my bedside and would make sure I always had a glass of water. People are complex and I need to think it all thru. I feel very muddled. I do love him very much and tbh I have never found another man remotely physically attractive.

Thanks again.

All I can picture from your last update is Professor Lockhart from Harry Potter. Charming, urbane, refined, famous...and then we find out that all of his position and character is built on the fact that is was all "borrowed" on someone elses achievements and risk because that was what was the easiest quickest path to success. He had no resilience or bravery when it was required because he'd never NEEDED any - he was surrounded by people who smoothed his path for him.

At least professor lockhart was cheery! Although he was single, so perhaps wouldn’t be cheery in relationships!

People are complicated. They aren't good or bad, but many shades in between.
I'm sure it is confusing, because you love the good parts of him, but are fed up with the other parts of him. I suppose it really comes down to whether that's enough for you and your kids. Does the good outweigh the bad?
For me, it was when the bad was taking over that I couldn't deal any more. He would have taken me down with him.

Being depressed isn't an excuse for saying and doing nasty things. I've had severe depression but I would never spread the pain.
My Mum and Dad behave abusively, they actively try to upset anyone. We don't see them anymore. They will end up old and alone. I can't believe how your dh speaks to his dcs. It's abusive. You cannot allow him to carry on. He will drive your dcs away.
You sound like a caring mum. Don't put up with his abuse.

OP "I know that if I was very sick he'd be unable to cope and everything would collapse, but I also know he'd never leave my bedside and would make sure I always had a glass of water"

But for a lot of people that's the easy bit. If everything would fall apart without you, he's not being an adult.

You make me feel really shit.

NO. He makes himself feel really shit.

This is entirely on him.

Don't get suckered into believing you are responsible for his happiness. You're not.

I honestly would have given him an ultimatum at this point. You are damaging your own mental health and well being and that of your children by staying and constantly catering to this crap. Do you really want your DCs to think this is a normal, healthy, loving relationship? Because that's what you're helping model...

He resents you op.

And he is prioritising his resentment of you and allowing it to fester and spoil everything, rather than deal with his issues, take control and deal with his own life and happiness

Resentment is poison to relationships and to any form of happiness and life satisfaction.

Op, have you posted about him before? The artist thing rings a bell.
Time to be as honest as possible about the possible consequences of his behaviour, he'll surely need professional help to change his manner

I think you've had brilliant responses and advice OP.
I just wanted to mention something I think you said.. (hard to scroll back)
When you went for relationship counselling he got upset about his childhood, and you said you wanted to talk about your relationship, not his childhood. Maybe it would have been helpful for him to talk about it with you and the counsellor?

He does need to find a way to genuinely realise he's in danger of losing the people who love him. Sounds like there are positives and love between you.

If everything would fall apart without you being well then he is a poor husband and father.