Why does DH feel need to provide constant negative commentary?

[shiklah]

DH has a habit of making constant negative comments and dragging everyone down all time time.

Small examples from yesterday:
DD13 has PMT and her skin has erupted. She is upset. I gave her a mini facial and reduced the pimples a lot, massaged her back and discussed how this will pass, and that most people experience these things, she calmed down and after a little cry got dressed and was looking forward to the cinema. As she was putting her shoes on DH said "you have a spot in your ear, did you know?" She burst into tears.
Later DS14 was very excited about seeing a film and being a bit controlling - trying to force us all to arrive an hour early by rushing us all at the shops. I told him to go and wait outside and he did, with ill grace, muttering as he walked off. I paid, went out, had a chat with him and he apologised, we had a hug, then DH quips "when he walked off he called you a 'miserable old woman'"
I asked why he felt the need to tell me and his response is that he is a very honest person.
These are 2 small examples, it is a constant drain.

AIBU to think there is a passive aggressive element to this? He also constantly witters on about how many jobs he has to do, how shit and miserable his life is, how he never gets to do things he wants, how unappreciated he is - but when I calmly point out the facts he just says "well, that is how I feel."

He was not like this when we were younger (been together since we were 18) but seems to have turned into a grumpy old man (he's 43) and I need advice, I can't keep having every weekend and holiday spoiled by his negativity.

DH suffers from depression but despite many other negative behavioural traits, he doesn't do this. So depression may be the cause of your DH's behaviour, but maybe it's just the way he is. Either way, there's no excuse for this and he has to do something for the sake of your families happiness.

'You make me feel really shit’

My DH will say similar at low times, that's his depression talking. I call him out on this.

Maybe he just needs to leave me and then he’ll be happy.

Remind him that you aren't responsible for the way he feels, he is. If he really feels that way then maybe he should leave and be happy elsewhere.
But he doesn't and he won't. He knows it's him and he's trying to drag you all down with him to make him feel normal. Blaming you helps him justify his behaviour to himself. He needs to take responsibility for his mental health because no one else can do it for him

He won’t leave you because he likes hanging around making you unhappy.

Do you really want to spend years trying to ‘save’ him at the expense of yourself, or your children’s happines?

oh OP, what a bind.

My exDH was just like this. Had me on a weird pedestal but used to kick it out from under me, regularly.

He was and remains exceptionally passive. Added to that, he's acutely self-absorbed, negative, puts others down. He is his dad.

He has complained before that he wants to be different, that he hates his parents for making him the way he is (hes 43 but never mind that) etc etc.

Nothing was his fault, he was mean and unkind to me and the kids, he was showy and about as deep as a puddle. He changed massively into an entitled prat after we married - but yes there were signs before that which i missed because i loved him.

I used to read threads on here when i was weighing up my options. I thought my problems were pretty trivial in comparison. However, now i am on the outside and looking in, it was pretty horrific. He was and is extremely manipulative, resentful, selfish, etc - its his character - and he doesn't just do it to me. Hes well paid and has a hobby he gains a LOT of attention from...

I cant tell you how much difference a couple of years have made. I'm not at 'woweeee im baaaccckk' stage yet, but i am very close.

Yes, I was depressed and sought counselling for several years - mainly about how to deal with him and to try and communicate better. This led to a breakdown (or breakTHROUGH as i like to call it)
Off work for several months, I looked up articles on looking after yourself when your partner has depression, printed them for him... so despite a GAD diagnosis and HUGE stress, I kept the family together, i saw to the kids wellbeing.

This could be your life if you are unable to get him to make some adjustments in the pretty near future - how to get there, i don't know. I used to think it was important for us to know or be able to somehow measure that we were overall more content with eachother -- naturally he mocked this and did fuck all to make things better.

@Lighthouse I am CONVINCED were were married to the same loser.

My DH has started to do this as he’s got older. I didn’t notice it before really. Always the negative. Not with DD but subtlety with me and never ending with people on the tele. I’m finding it’s putting me off him a bit tbh. It doesn’t effect me...I notice he does it when I’m feeling great and confident, which, now I’m finally through the menopause, is very often!!
I just think.. Oh shut the fuck up you insecure little shit... maybe one day I’ll say it out loud!!

No, he feels shit you didn't 'make' him that way.
I've no advice, but I feel for you. I was in a relationship where I was entirely responsible for his happiness and it nearly broke us both. I'm no longer with him thank god.

I feel very tired today!

I have asked why he says that I make him feel like shit and he says it’s because everything is easy for me. It pisses me off because it’s not easy. I was discriminated against at a job I had worked bloody hard to get, took them to court, won, set up my business and have built it from nothing. I was severely ill when I was pregnant and developed arthritis and permanently damaged my digestive system from HG - I was under 7 stone when I gave birth, came home to a one room squat as we were renovating the house. Moved twice, with no support, gone thru the selective school exams with dc there is so much I have forged thru alone because he was thinking about what? Himself? I don’t know.

If I say anything I am the bad guy, if I ask him to remember anything it’s a joke. He doesn’t even have a diary - how many adults do you know with no way of recording and remembering what they are supposed to do and when?

I need a rest. I am off work with dc next week and want some time to myself with them, I am sick of it. This mornings pity party was the end of the line for me and he just isn’t getting it.

I will order that Lindy Bancroft book. Thank you

He's jealous of you
I don't care why he is passive or whatever

He is a drain on you and the DC
You'd all be happier without him.

You know, don't you, that iit's not YOU making him feel shit? It's his perception of you, and the fact that he cannot blame his background for his failures because you have a similar background and are not failing.

I used to be with someone who had a lot of these elements. He's an ex now.

It's draining and can affect mental health. My DCs are teens and it has most definitely affected them, badly.

He still claims to love me, but I don't live him and will never be with him again ( there was other stuff, abuse as well).

OP, you really need to look hard at your DH. It may be salvageable for you, but you'll need to act, otherwise.

I really identified with things in your posts, eg the "look busy, dad's home" after a nice peaceful day. It's no way to live.

Yes, moany people always choose to think that everyone else has it easy and things just come to them. They don't see the work, the constant effort, the self-discipline.

If he began to apply some of those qualities he'd quickly have things to feel proud and happy about. he won't though, because it's easier and more fun to resent and deflate you.

Being without you would be a huge shock for him, as he'd have nothing to measure himself against, nothing to resent and attack. He'd have to look at himself instead. It might do him the world of good. (Though he'd probably find other enemies to snipe at).

I really think he needs to focus on how his future looks. How things will be for him in 15-20 years time, depending on what he chooses to do now.

We are rarely apart but when we are I am happier, relaxed and dont really contact him whilst he sends loads of texts, rings, cleans the house for us coming home and gets really excited - but within an hour he's back to the same miserable old bastard.

He has a great many wonderful qualities and I am just feeling very stuck. Being honest - over the years I have tried a lot of what has been so Kindly suggested. I think it is time for a 'last big push' in advance of what is a very special holiday.

My husband is the same. Work, money concerns and weight issues all cause him to be negative and grumpy. He's incredibly hard work and it's been going on for 2 plus years. His job is improving as is our financial situation, but he is still negative and I feel that he would always find something else to moan about. The children ask me why he is grumpy or tells me off (disclaimer: not a dv situation. He's just a wingebucket). A friend who I hadn't seen since Christmas and hasn't seen us as a couple since last autumn took me aside to ask about it. She'd picked up the change in him. I have no advice other than to ride it out. Incidentally I know of a few men who have had similar mood changes as they approach 40. Hormonal??

Actually I've just seen some other comments. I'm going to read the thread properly as I think I can relate more than I appreciate.

I think it is time for a 'last big push' in advance of what is a very special holiday.

Is it booked?

In the light of his response to your efforts last night, I would simply not have him there.

I really don't think any less of a shock is going to have any effect - and actually I don't think anything is going to have an effect really... but the impact of the family saying 'we simply can't bear for you to ruin this too' might at least bring hom to him what his choices are - to realise that he either does something or he's facing the future alone.

I honestly think that he's clearly so selfish that only realising that might make some difference.

It's a great opportunity - really the only other way to show him so plainly that this isn't going to continue would be to throw him out, which takes it to another level again. Refusing to let him come on the holiday is like that in miniature. I would do it.

and he knows I don't want to stop him coming.

Hopefully after last night, that is changing.

He's really a very, very mean-spirited fellow isn't he?

Not all or even most of that is depression.

OP "He has a great many wonderful qualities"

Are you sure? You might just be being incredibly kind with that statement.

I'd have said my ex had great qualities, but I can now see they don't outweigh the crap.

The constant putdowns, to the children as well, especially DD (I think this is significant). I can't recall any compliments, and the negative stuff coincided with times when I felt good. I now have low self esteem, but it's rising again since I left. DDs self esteem is rising, too.

Loads of other stuff. The passive man article struck a chord.

I often find that people who take pride in being "honest" are horrendously rude and like using "honesty" or "openness" as an excuse!

Ask him sweetly "do you mean to be so rude?" each time. And if he says he just "says what he thinks" or some other bollocks, enquire as to why he has such nasty thoughts!

I think you know deep down that he’s not for the long haul.

My worry is that you and he are used to each other and so you’re blind to the damage he’s doing to your kids.

They don’t have to boil alive in the crab pot. Get rid of him, if not for your happiness, for theirs.
You only get one crack at childhood. Don’t sign them up for an abusive one. Be strong, be wise, be happy! Your kids deserve a happy childhood, knowing they can rely on one parent who isn’t an abusive shit or enabler.

Their behavior when they hear their dad come home speaks volumes to me, more than anything else said on this thread.
Jumping to attention when he’s coming up the drive isn’t how I’d like my kids to feel when they’re in their own home during their childhoods.
They are already damaged by his abusive behavior and are self blaming and anxious!

Sounds like they haven’t got much of a relationship with their dad anyway, so why indulge his nastiness at their expense to,play some kind of happy family fantasy?

Do you really think they’ll want to associate with him magically when they turn 18? Are you really going to put them through a shit childhood? Do you really think sticking with him will prove to have been the right thing to do?

No! They’ll be off out of his life, and you’ll be part of that problem, not part of their futures.

I’d dump his sorry arse, so you and your precious children can have a wonderful life without him shitting in it and poisoning their lives.

Get rid, you’ll all be so happy without him, I guarantee it.

My mum and husband is like this. I call them on it every single time. They don't like it when I do it but I can't stand the negativity.

Bloody hell. From his tone, you would think you floated through life. Does he have no concept of what you have been through? Silly question?
You were exactly right when you asked what he'd been thinking about all that time. Himself. He's self pitying.
I've been depressed on and of all my life. It makes me alot of things, but arsehole isn't one of them!

Not trying to make excuses here but this sounds like the exact life we had when I was younger. Turned out my dad had depression that he had been living with for years. He was given anti depressants. Unfortunately he refused to take them and still won't to this day but this could be the problem with your husband

I could be completely wrong though and he is just a grumpy shit in which case I would get rid of him. Who wants to live with that especially when he is putting your children down.

Go and get some counseling by yourself, please do this. This will help you see things as they are and give you your confidence back.
Then after a few weeks, ask your counselor to recommend a really good couples counselor that is excellent.
Go with your husband to marriage counseling and continue with your own counseling too. This will shine a light on everything.

I am not an expert but I would say he was always like this, you are just only noticing now because you are truly happy yourself and it’s jarring.

I just wanted to wish you all the very best, and please get the counseling. A good one will change your life and help you see things in a new light and you have nothing to lose, just keep going.

Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate it. I feel very strange, a mixture of relief to have discussed this, sadness about the situation and also regret for bringing it up. I feel like I've stabbed him in he back somehow.

He does have wonderful qualities - he is totally loyal, he works hard at home, he has bought me some very thoughtful kind gifts over the years, he is thrifty and saves money, we have a good sex life and he is totally unselfish in that way. He is also very funny and shares my views on lots of things, we have a lovely time some of the time, but it is hard work.

I need to take time to think it all thru.