Why does DH feel need to provide constant negative commentary?

[shiklah]

DH has a habit of making constant negative comments and dragging everyone down all time time.

Small examples from yesterday:
DD13 has PMT and her skin has erupted. She is upset. I gave her a mini facial and reduced the pimples a lot, massaged her back and discussed how this will pass, and that most people experience these things, she calmed down and after a little cry got dressed and was looking forward to the cinema. As she was putting her shoes on DH said "you have a spot in your ear, did you know?" She burst into tears.
Later DS14 was very excited about seeing a film and being a bit controlling - trying to force us all to arrive an hour early by rushing us all at the shops. I told him to go and wait outside and he did, with ill grace, muttering as he walked off. I paid, went out, had a chat with him and he apologised, we had a hug, then DH quips "when he walked off he called you a 'miserable old woman'"
I asked why he felt the need to tell me and his response is that he is a very honest person.
These are 2 small examples, it is a constant drain.

AIBU to think there is a passive aggressive element to this? He also constantly witters on about how many jobs he has to do, how shit and miserable his life is, how he never gets to do things he wants, how unappreciated he is - but when I calmly point out the facts he just says "well, that is how I feel."

He was not like this when we were younger (been together since we were 18) but seems to have turned into a grumpy old man (he's 43) and I need advice, I can't keep having every weekend and holiday spoiled by his negativity.

Those comments were emotionally abusive IMO. Really nasty. Also telling that you let it pass

I bet people around you DO see how he is and don’t think he’s that great. People who behave like this so frequently with family let their mask slip more than they think.

I think he sounds desperately unhappy with what he hasn't achieved. He must have once had hopes and dreams etc. It's not that he's not happy for you and your dcs it's just that he's projecting it all back on himself and his lack of perceived success.

I'm in my mid 40's in a creative field. Highly competitive (what isn't?) - many of my peers are in the same creative area. Similar ages. The amount of bitterness and excuses I hear from people is huge. Mainly it's from people who never took the risk, never put themselves out there for fear of failure, never truly tried to go above and beyond.
My own dh 51 is quite a positive man (with VERY negative parents) but he went through a horrendous stage about 5 years ago. He really had pushed himself forward and got stung for it. He was a misery to be around for about 2 years. We had a bit of a marriage crisis. These days he admits he hasn't created/written the things he's wanted to and if he had things might have been different. He only blames himself for not knuckling down and just doing it.
These days he's let it all go and us much happier. He's still a sarky bugger but we at least have a laugh.

I suggest couples counselling too OP. I found it very helpful.

tell him, to take up exercise, go to the gp, get some CBT and to sort his life out as he is worse than going out with a moody moping teenager and he his manners are filthy, and frankly your children deserve a better role model and you have gone off him. So either he bucks up, or you upgrade to a better life single (optimum choice) or at least upgrade to a younger model.........

Reading mumsnet should be mandatory for anyone thinking of settling down.

Gosh it's all about him isn't it? I'd be questioning our future together if I were the one married to him. He sounds spiteful and selfish tbh.

Some of your earlier posts could have been written about my DH but he's got a lot better since he retired from his job, but your last update is quite horrible. Nobody should speak to their spouse and/or children like that!

your further updates make him sound even more unpleasant

he sounds like someone I dated briefly. In that time I achieved something, and friends sent congratulations cards which I put up on the shelf. I didn't ram it down his throat (it wasn't a big achievement generally but it was for me - actually I'll just say, it was a post-grad which I didn't think I'd get as work was very stressful and I'd been bereaved during the exams as well).

anyway, he was completely blase when I told him about it but when he came round and saw the cards he spent the whole evening muttering what a fuss about nothing, and said stuff like "oh I'm not having a go that you put the cards up but I can't believe people send them" - that morphed into "well it's mostly your women friends, they like to make a fuss don't they" and was crowned with irritation when he looked through them and found two were from men.

I dumped him. Sorry for the long story, but sounds similar. And only a wanker goes for the "you've got a spot" line to anyone, but their own DD?

sorry, there might be some tough calls here. Maybe start with telling him you don't want him on holiday for definite. tell him to take the time to do some of this painting he wants to do.

Re his art - he is extremely talented. When I had a corporate job he was modelling and we funded a year of art foundation for him which he excelled at. He had the chance to go to uni but decided he wanted to work again and not take too much time out. I encouraged him to apply for jobs in the field but he didn't. I have tried to encourage him, I also organised 'art therapy' which was very successful in the short term, but he had 6 sessions and the woman he was seeing left - and he didn't take it further. I do all I can to encourage him.

@pigmcpigface thank you for your kind and considered replies. We both had a bad start, mine more brutal, his dysfunctional and neglectful. I have no doubt he has an attachment disorder of some kind. He won't get help and I cannot make him, he doesn't seem to value happiness and calm the way I do.
You have summed it up in your last paragraph - he is paralysed and on the verge of destroying the one thing he truly loves - his family.

The way he's dealing with his depression is maladaptive - ie he's making it worse for himself and everyone. He's not that badly depressed either, believe me, from what you've said. He's a horrible little man.

I suspect he's waiting to be given the boot so he can blame you for that. How much do the children like him? How bad would a split be for them? (hint: probably not as bad as you worry it will).

Jeez, lighthouse, glad you dumped that ex!

OMG, just read your updates about responses to others' success. That is so nasty!

Also so incredibly self-absorbed - making everything about him. He really is stuck in his teens, isn't he! 'If only...someone else had made everything perfect for me then.' No idea of taking responsibility for himself, then or as an adult!

What does he want to be looking back on in 15-20 years time? A wasted middle age, from a miserable old age, alone? Or an interesting and productive time, from an old age that continues to be interesting and rewarding, including through enjoying his DCs' success and spending time with any GCs?

@loopytiles - yes, not actually on that evening, but a friend of mine worked with him and told me he was moaning about it in the staff room the following day.

Your examples of things he's saying are getting worse and worse - they're making me so sad for you and the kids I have a debbie downer critical mother, my DBro is now VLC with her and I try and keep my interactions purely factual so she can't criticise. Do you think that might get through to him - that his kids might not want to spend time with him in future if he keeps dragging them down all the time?

God, the more you post the more similar he sounds to my ex! He was another frustrated artist who bitched to all and sundry about lost opportunities and sacrifices made, but in reality he stayed in a job he hated through choice (as in, he never once looked for anything else or applied for anything I found him!), seemed happy enough to enjoy the lifestyle that my own hardwork had afforded us (whilst projecting to others that he'd somehow sacrificed his own dreams and ambitions for me to get on with mine - bullshit), and, when he did have opportunities to do everything he'd apparently always wanted to, he never took them. At one point near to the end of our relationship he told me sadly that his life "looked good on paper". Fucking ungrateful whiney cockwomble. I spent years trying to make him feel better about everything but some people are just Eeyore. So sorry Op. I don't know what you do. I simply couldn't stay with mine even though he had many good points too. He just gave absolutely everything a fucking grey tinge.

@lottiegarbanzo - I noticed at easter (I don't work school hols) that we were very happy all day - even doing nothing most of the time - but when we heard his car come in and we'd all do the absurd "dad's coming look busy" dance and jump up and start hoovering or folding laundry - it was weird - not discussed but we all did it naturally.

@MirriVan you are very perceptive he says "If only everyone was as perfect as you" if I offer advice. Thanks for your comments, I agree. I am happiest when those around me are happy and successful so I don't get it.....

He sounds like my mother, she can't stand to see success in others especially me. She moans because I tell her nothing, include her in nothing and if she asks me why I am prepared to tell her.

He's going to squash you and hold you back. Dont tell him anything anymore and don't invite him along to fun things while you contemplate your future and what kind of chat you're going to have with him.

Now you've spoken about it it's just a matter of time before it raises its head with him directly.

shiklah - Oh please don't think I am saying for a second that you haven't tried. Absolutely not. I don't want you to feel like this is 'your' problem to fix. It's not - it's his. I'm just saying that perhaps it is only with couples' counselling that he will 'see' the damage that he's doing (which he clearly doesn't see now). It just feels better than the alternative - which is you walking.

I'm not sure this is about not valuing happiness and calm, so much as not being able to see how to change things for the better - and this breeding frustration and lack of confidence. Since you are so capable, it may be that he hasn't really taken full responsibility for anything for a very long time. Carving out some 'space' for him to be creative could also help with this. You sound like the business is going well. Could returning to art school be part of a plan for him now? Even if it's part-time, while working?

@shiklah what you have written gets worse and worse :-( Those comments to you are designed to hurt you as much as possible. Are those the words of someone who loves you? Someone who cherishes you?

Couples counselling and a marked improvement would be my red lines to save the relationship.

My ex is like this. He wasn't when we first met, but over the years he turned into a grumpy, middle aged old fart! Hence he's an ex.

I sympathise as the constant moaning and negativity really wears you down. I guess you need to weigh up whether the positives you get out of being with him outweigh the negatives. For me, it was a relatively easy decision, as he wasn't my DC Dad.

No experience of this, but as a tonic for your own mood and to wind him up a bit, how about singing a few songs.
"Cheer up DH" (Daydream believer)
'Happy'
Anything else cheerful.

He sounds like a emotional vampire who takes the fun and joy from yours and your dc lives.

He does big showy birthday treats for you so you say look what dh did as you are less likely to talk about the way he treats you and your kids.

I would have to say that he is jealous off your success and your dc success and by the same token he too lazy to get the same as you.

He will end up alone at this rate as he will drive you and your dc away from him if he doesn’t change.

He also constantly witters on about how many jobs he has to do, how shit and miserable his life is, how he never gets to do things he wants, how unappreciated he is

but when he actually has time to himself lies on the sofa paying on the Nintendo or watching Game of Thrones whilst eating cheese on toast!

This is mine to a tee, even down to the bloody cheese on toast!

I’m sick of it. Yesterday he went swanning off to the supermarket and ended up at a shopping centre in the morning, then spent 3 hours cleaning the car in the afternoon leaving me with a newborn and toddler on my own.

Then complained he was stressed and kept snapping at the toddler for doing things 2 and a half year olds do. Then when she didn’t want him at bed time was all ‘poor daddy knows when he’s not wanted’.

I’m going back to read through for tips OP, I’m definitely here in solidarity

The subtle blaming of you (or someone else) for everything is so insidious, isn't it? My ex's weight gain was all my fault - I cooked "too rich" food (I have always been the same weight within a stone or so for 20 years!) - he couldn't exercise because of his bad back which was made worse by driving - of course the driving was to get to the job (which he didn't like) to earn the money to "look after" me (I have always worked too...) Funny how I now have a job with a similar commute and am a lone parent and still manage to exercise and maintain my weight!

He never initiated any days out or anything apart from vaguely saying "we should do X..." every now and again. He didn't encourage me to do anything and didn't really like me being good at things either. I speak fluent French and he once asked me if I "had to do the accent" when I spoke. Er, yes, it's a French accent and I'm speaking French! But he found it excruciating to listen to me showing off, as he saw it. Didn't like me being loud or the centre of attention, even if people were laughing/listening to me. Never ever EVER complimented me and never said anything other than a vague "you look nice" in 18 years! So I always thought I was pretty much plain and dumpy. Not the opinion I've had from men I've dated since, by a long way!

I would love for him to paint but he repeatedly says he has 'no time' 'too many jobs' etc. I tell him that no one dies proud of their empty laundry basket, and that the chores will ALWAYS be there but I think it is deeply ingrained learned behaviour that I didn't notice creeping up and probably even accidentally encouraged by being concerned about his workload and helping him. I have in the past accepted that the world we live in isn't easy for a man who earns less than his wife, but my understanding has vanished as he comments negatively on DC achievements. What kind of man is jealous that his DC go to a good school?