Why does DH feel need to provide constant negative commentary?

[shiklah]

DH has a habit of making constant negative comments and dragging everyone down all time time.

Small examples from yesterday:
DD13 has PMT and her skin has erupted. She is upset. I gave her a mini facial and reduced the pimples a lot, massaged her back and discussed how this will pass, and that most people experience these things, she calmed down and after a little cry got dressed and was looking forward to the cinema. As she was putting her shoes on DH said "you have a spot in your ear, did you know?" She burst into tears.
Later DS14 was very excited about seeing a film and being a bit controlling - trying to force us all to arrive an hour early by rushing us all at the shops. I told him to go and wait outside and he did, with ill grace, muttering as he walked off. I paid, went out, had a chat with him and he apologised, we had a hug, then DH quips "when he walked off he called you a 'miserable old woman'"
I asked why he felt the need to tell me and his response is that he is a very honest person.
These are 2 small examples, it is a constant drain.

AIBU to think there is a passive aggressive element to this? He also constantly witters on about how many jobs he has to do, how shit and miserable his life is, how he never gets to do things he wants, how unappreciated he is - but when I calmly point out the facts he just says "well, that is how I feel."

He was not like this when we were younger (been together since we were 18) but seems to have turned into a grumpy old man (he's 43) and I need advice, I can't keep having every weekend and holiday spoiled by his negativity.

Background - sorry if seen as drip feed - didn't think of relevence till now
I had a corporate job and was downgraded due to HG in pregnancy, so I sued them, successfully and set up my own business. The business was supposed to allow me time to be at home with DC more, and give DH the chance to pursue his career. Instead he took a temping job, was made permanent and promoted and settled for that every since.

My business has grown as the DC have and we are now doing well. We have moved to a lovely home (from a very bad area), DC in vg school, both thriving and happy. The better we do, the more he seems to need to drag me down. My success is our success, the DC success is out success - why does he seem to see it as misery and failure.

Sorry, I am getting a bit upset. Sorry

SaltyPeanut - made me laugh!

OP - mine was doing something like this, along with the moans about "being an old man now" - he's 54 ffs (and active - when he wants to be!), not in his dotage! I called him Victor every time he did it, and he now has dialled back a bit on the pessimism.

Mind you, mine wasn't actively trying to bring others down, which yours seems to. Short of refusing to do anything with the miserable sod - and telling him why - I'm not sure what you can do. I guess you can't force him to attend his appointments - has he told you why he's not engaging?

sounds like his depression is not treated. You may need to have the talk about it all in the context of that.

My success is our success, the DC success is out success - why does he seem to see it as misery and failure.

I think you know the answer...

I have told him he cannot come on our family holiday unless he works on stopping it - but there is no sign of any improvement and he knows I don't want to stop him coming.

I feel strongly that this is the best time of my life. I really do. I am old enough to have confidence in myself and have lost insecurities I had from childhood, I have worked incredibly hard to set up a business that I love working in and is valued in the community, and my DC fill me with such joy - I am starting to worry I will look back and be bitter that he rained on my parade.

I never wanted to be 'special' I never needed material possessions or money - I wanted some very specific things - happy well adjusted DC who feel loved and have confidence, to travel, to live in the countryside - I made a plan and I worked my arse off with no help from anyone else and I did it and now he decides to be foul tempered and spoil it all.

:(

Tbh he sounds depressed

No he doesn't!

He sounds like he resents his families success because it highlights hie( perceived) inadequacy, and wants to 'bring the down a peg or two' at every opportunity!

A MH issue doesn’t excuse this nasty behaviour. And you say he isn’t accessing help or looking to improve his condition.

A colleague recently said to another colleague: “Be a fountain not a drain” Your H is being a drain!

I had experience of something similar growing up - without the nasty comments, but draining behaviour - and felt very upset and angry! Damaged some family relationships long term too.

@Furano - honestly I don't know - please enlighten me? I have no idea why he can't see how lucky we are

Do you think it's time for an ultimatum, where you say he needs to seriously engage with treating his depression, or x/y/z will happen?

You can't let his negativity affect you and your DC forever, there has to be an element of him taking responsibility.

OP "I feel strongly that this is the best time of my life"

I know exactly what you mean. (that's not saying the rest of it won't be fab, but you understandably want to enjoy all the fabness while it's there of course).

sorry but it sounds like you worked hard to make very beautiful pink elderflower lemonade when life handed you lemons and he is jealous and trying to get you down. Tell him that bluntly. He might see sense.

It sounds like your DH is blaming everyone else for his own choices, and that this has become a kind of negative habit. Constant criticism like that can be very undermining for children, and also for you.

I would ask him to attend couples' counselling with you, so that you can talk through the impact of this and get to the bottom of why it is happening. It feels like there are bigger issues here than are actually being vocalised.

I feel strongly that this is the best time of my life. I really do. I am old enough to have confidence in myself and have lost insecurities I had from childhood, I have worked incredibly hard to set up a business that I love working in and is valued in the community, and my DC fill me with such joy - I am starting to worry I will look back and be bitter that he rained on my parade.

Have you told him this? ^^^

I agree he sounds like he wants to bring people down. Thing is, your kids may pick it up. MIL is like this, do us SIL, so are her children. They are not nice to be around.

If my husband behaved like that I'd LTB. He needs to snap out of it, I quite simply could not live with someone who was miserable and the misery was apparently caused by me/ the DC.

Does he have any hobbies? Can you encourage him to basically get a life?

You have to be happy with your lot in life or do something about it I think. Life's hard but constant moaning and negativity makes it worse not better.

I am sorry but he sounds resentful and bitter. I don't buy that he is depressed but he sounds like he is unhappy but does not have the will or ability to change his life. Counselling may help but this would drain me if I were you and I think suggesting he stay home while you go on holiday with DC would give you all a break from the negativity. Maybe deep down he resents your success in which case you have a real problem. I think I would keep a record every day of how many times he is negative and call him on it each time. If his parents were like it though this is a clue of where it came from.

Also, your post above speaks a lot about how YOU feel about YOUR life, YOUR work, YOUR business. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way about work, family life, or material possessions? You have been together for a very long time, and sometimes what happens in such cases is that two people actually grow apart without realising it. It is possible that he's experiencing the same life as you have in a very different way, because he has different priorities. If that is the case, you need to talk about this, urgently.

Can't live with 'em; can't stab 'em in the back of the head with a fork.... but can leave 'em!

I walked around for many months thinking I still loved H but just didn't like his behaviour; then I realised, not only did I dislike his behaviour, I realised he wasn't going to change, I didn't like him very much and I'd actually stopped loving him. I'd told myself for so long that I still loved him, because I knew that admitting the contrary would be the beginning of the end.

I hope it's not the case for you, OP, but certainly a good reason to try and get him to see the impact it's having on you (and to also realise that I've been much happier without a moodhoover in our house - loads of laughter, more noise, more chilled out - all round improvements!)

Thank you to everyone for commenting.

Re his depression - he has suffered depression on and off for years and it has been untreated, treated and now he just takes medication and does not see the dr to discuss changes/improvements. Counselling has not been successful and I feel this is due to a lack of honesty (ironically) with the therapist. He tells them he has no time for himself, that he is seen as a failure, that he wants to paint etc and has no creative outlet. The reality is that I work 50-60 hours a week and he works 30. He does do gardening, housework (as do I) but still has free time that he spends on his phone/watching tv - not doing what he says he wants to.

He is an extremely sympathetic figure - very handsome 6'4" - fit as a fiddle - did fitness modelling in younger days, artistic, good with kids etc. I know that he has been viewed as a talented man who has sacrificed his chances to trail behind his 'career woman' wife. But that is not the case, I would have loved more equality and have encouraged it constantly.

Sorry, I am ranting. Feels better to have it off my chest.

Thank you all for wise words.

honestly I don't know - please enlighten me? I have no idea why he can't see how lucky we are

@shiklah it look like from this very limited view that your success highlights (in his eyes) how he has settled and hasn't achieved the things he thought he would in life, and he is nasty to you to try and make himself feel better.

@shiklah This is quite an interesting article on depression and why medication alone isn't often good at improving it long term

www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/07/is-everything-you-think-you-know-about-depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections

My partner is the same. I've had to call him up
On it every time it happens. His parents are the same. His mom is depressed so negative all the time. His dad just talks shit for no reason. He's a cross between the two. Tbf my partner suffers with anxiety and depression and now takes tablets which have made a massive difference. He would often insult my sister but has calmed down since I've told him but he is also socially awkward so I think he says things thinking they're funny but they aren't and actually hurt people feelings.
I'd have a serious talk with him. Does he not feel bad when his children are crying after he's said something to him?

Also meant to say - my ex was depressed, for over a decade but refused to do anything about it. I supported him, sole breadwinner while he loafed about the house pretending to be a SAHD stayed at home and kept the children free from harm/ferried them to school; I funded his hobbies; I took the children out at weekends because he didn't want to.

I had to take the stance that I wasn't holding him responsible for my unhappiness, I could only hold myself responsible for that. But that living with things, as they were (and his refusal/inability to seek support/input/help) were making me unhappy. And that I didn't want to look back on my life in 30 years and regret it; I had to take responsibility for my life, my happiness and realised that he wasn't going to make the changes i needed to have a happy environment.

He sounds resentful, bitter, probably jealous, and I expect he’s not taking his medication, if he’s not always been like this.

I couldn’t live this way OP. He’s sapping you and your kids of your vigour and can only bring you all down.

As Teatea said, could you encourage him to get out more? Could you mark in the diary a single day, where you both, or perhaps just by himself, can go outdoors; walking in nature, some photography, some painting or some form of exercise?
I think this would really, really help. - It'll brighten his mood (being in nature has that effect on people), help him find himself and thus give him a purpose, which will effectively stop his jibes at the people around him.

My Mum is like this and it's so draining. She really does not have a good word to say about anyone or anything. Hard going.
I do pull her occasionally, on Saturday she commented 5 or 6 times about Victoria Beckham looking miserable. I had to tell her to give it a rest in the end.

I can see people glazing over and it's embarrassing.