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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to stay at home if I can’t walk?

148 replies

HollyHunter18 · 19/05/2018 19:57

I have sciatica all down one leg and can’t walk without wincing- didn’t sleep
Last night. Pain is an 8. Can hardly hold, change/ feed my baby. DH took son out all day but then wanted to go and see an old friend ( he never goes out so I wouldn’t have minded) but wanted to leave me with baby and 3 year old son with asd and my mother who is in her 80s and can’t do much. I had physio coming. I said no. He took my son with him in the end and my son didn’t want to go. The really annoying thing is I’d booked a nanny to help so he could go but he told me he would stay so I cancelled. This was his chance after our marriage had been majorly under review, to show me he loved me but he put something else first and then was unpleasant about it. He also took my son with asd out on an unexpected trip when he’d been out all day didn’t know where he was going. AIBU to think he should have cancelled without a second thy?

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 19/05/2018 20:09

If your marriage will only work in your eyes if he tows the line and makes you priority it's doomed anyway.

You say he rarely goes out yet you obviously have an issue when he does despite taking the children out all day. Is he never allowed to do anything just for him?

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 19/05/2018 20:15

Yes he is but I can’t walk.

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 19/05/2018 20:16

And he didn’t take the children out all day he took my son who has ASD and often makes me lift/ carry him and I have acute sciatica now.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/05/2018 20:16

HIBU to leave you and your mum with the care of a baby. It might be manageable to look after the 3 year old.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 19/05/2018 20:17

So he cancelled the Nanny?? His choice. So yes. He is bu. Whether I'd judge my marriage and family on it. No.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 19/05/2018 20:18

This reply has been deleted

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Karigan1 · 19/05/2018 20:18

Sorry I had sciatica after my son was born and yes it was bad but not so bad I couldn’t cope. You take paracetamol and carry on. He’d had your son all day and just wanted some time with his friends. It wasn’t a big ask.

Piffle11 · 19/05/2018 20:21

I think YABU. Sorry that you're in pain, must be awful. It's not your DH's fault though, neither is it his fault that your DM 'can't do much'. Sounds like he's doing plenty, and maybe he needs to let off steam now and again, especially if, as you say, he doesn't go out very often. You shouldn't have cancelled the nanny - even if he had stayed home it would have been relief for the two of you. I think you need to stop expecting him to do things 'to show he loves you' … it's very controlling and not nice.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 19/05/2018 20:22

If my husband had a pain level of 8/10 I wouldn't leave him with a baby and toddler to look after. I'd hope that he would be as considerate of me.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 19/05/2018 20:27

And I do 95 percent of childcare

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 19/05/2018 20:30

Yes he should have cancelled because he cancelled the Nanny on the ground that he wasn't going.

You need more help than usual at the moment and as a Partner and Father, he needs to step up.

TammySwansonTwo · 19/05/2018 20:32

FFS. I don’t know one mother who’d leave their husband looking after a baby and a toddler when he’s in agony. Some of the responses here are mind boggling.

Birdsgottafly · 19/05/2018 20:32

Can't believe the replies you are getting.

Since when aren't Fathers equally responsible for looking after the children, or a laid up Partner?

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 19/05/2018 20:32

Sciatica is very painful, but can be managed. Sometimes you just have to get on and deal with it. He had the three year old all day. If you had a physio coming, why cancel the nanny.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 19/05/2018 20:32

Ok my 3.5 year old has asd and I have a 6 month old. I have to do everything for my son - they both rely on me and I carry them and life them both. I have had sciatica before as I have a disc bulge in my back- not all sciatica is this painful. The children rely on me and I needed my husband to help me so I can get back on my feet. I can walk but it is excruciating.

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 19/05/2018 20:32

Given it sound like you are a SAHM then of course the bulk of parenting falls to you Hmm He can't work and parent can he and if he also doesn't want to work like you then who would finance the household?

If you resent having to parent that much, why add a second child to the mix?

WhatAMessTheBad · 19/05/2018 20:33

I have had sciatica, and I am shocked by anyone who thinks it is helped by being a "big girl" and taking paracetamol. I took paracetamol and carried on with an effing burst appendix, so you can take this from a tough old boot. I can vouch for the fact that genuine sciatica is horrendous, and it is unlikely that anyone would be able to pop a couple of pills and look after two children and an elderly parent.

SweetCheeks1980 · 19/05/2018 20:34

YABU

To expect him to stay at home if I can’t walk?
siwel123 · 19/05/2018 20:38

OP you're drip feeding and making yourself sound worse and worse.
I understand you must be in pain, but he took your son out all day so you could rest and relax a bit more.
He wanted sometime to himself and you refused stating you needed help with your son.
So he took the son out with him to meet his friend.

But apparently be does no child care etc etc Hmm

Andromeida59 · 19/05/2018 20:43

To anyone who thinks they can have sciatica and only need paracetamol: I absolutely applaud you. I, like the OP have sciatica and a prolapsed disc. I can hardly walk more than a few feet when it's really bad. It is absolutely horrendous. OP YANBU.

aaarrrggghhhh · 19/05/2018 20:46

Wow - the nasties are out tonight.

YANBU. You can't walk. You cancelled the nanny because he said so then he changed his mind.

Deshasafraisy · 19/05/2018 20:48

I get acute sciatic pain regularly, I manage to crack on with stuff. I have 2 children, one with a disability. It’s not easy but it’s not the worst.
Yoga helps. Have you tried that?

diddl · 19/05/2018 20:49

I think if he had taken the baby out as well he might have had a point about some time for him.

Yogagirl123 · 19/05/2018 20:50

I hope you feel better soon OP. Plans in my house frequently have to change due to my disability. Everyone understands but it’s annoying at times.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 19/05/2018 20:51

Sciatica is extremely painful, YANBU OP. You can’t care for a baby if you can’t walk, particularly as sciatica gives you very sharp and intense pain, I think there is a risk of dropping the baby. It’s not like a lumbago where the pain is diffuse.