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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to stay at home if I can’t walk?

148 replies

HollyHunter18 · 19/05/2018 19:57

I have sciatica all down one leg and can’t walk without wincing- didn’t sleep
Last night. Pain is an 8. Can hardly hold, change/ feed my baby. DH took son out all day but then wanted to go and see an old friend ( he never goes out so I wouldn’t have minded) but wanted to leave me with baby and 3 year old son with asd and my mother who is in her 80s and can’t do much. I had physio coming. I said no. He took my son with him in the end and my son didn’t want to go. The really annoying thing is I’d booked a nanny to help so he could go but he told me he would stay so I cancelled. This was his chance after our marriage had been majorly under review, to show me he loved me but he put something else first and then was unpleasant about it. He also took my son with asd out on an unexpected trip when he’d been out all day didn’t know where he was going. AIBU to think he should have cancelled without a second thy?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2018 12:20

I've never had this OP but a friend of mine did. He went from fit and active to barely able to walk, it is indeed hellish as another poster as said.

Your husband should be supporting you, not making you feel 'less than' because you can't do what you've always done (at the moment). Is he always like this with you? Yet expecting tea and sympathy and the roads closed in case an ambulance is needed... when he gets a cold?

Never mind, back to you. Massage can help but good painkillers help better and finding a position that is 'less uncomfortable' than any other. My friend was told 6-8 weeks for it to be over, and it was.

So sorry that you're in so much pain. Thanks

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2018 12:26

SweetCheeks (urgh what a misnomer that is). How can you be so pathetically unaware of someone else's pain? It doesn't matter that you don't know what it's like but if someone else tells you how they're finding it and how horrendous it is, you emphathise or backspace out if you have nothing decent to stay.

Not stay to post a ridiculous picture, only a twat does that.

maxthemartian · 20/05/2018 12:31

God there are some arsehole in the world and quite a lot of them seem to be on this thread

Roomba · 20/05/2018 18:04

I suffered with sciatica and during my first pregnancy and for about 18 months afterwards. Prescription codeine barely took the edge off on a 'good' day. Tramadol and gabapentin helped with the pain a bit but made me feel really ill. I got a stomach ulcer from all the Diclofenac and Naproxen I took. Worst time of my life.

My poor dad is having spinal surgery next week after suffering with sciatica since just after Christmas. He can't walk, can't sleep, can't stand, can't sit, has put two stone on from not moving and has become depressed for the first time in 78 years!

Suggesting OP is being unreasonable and should take paracetamol do her DH can get some well deserved 'me time' is a little mean, imo!

Smellycat19 · 20/05/2018 19:51

Thanks Romona.

Smellycat19 · 20/05/2018 19:51

Roomba.

WhatAMessTheBad · 20/05/2018 20:13

@IWantMyHatBack. I shouldn't agree, but I so do.

Furano · 20/05/2018 20:18

Sorry I had sciatica after my son was born and yes it was bad but not so bad I couldn’t cope. You take paracetamol and carry on

What a twatty thing to say.

Your experience of sciatica is not the same as everyone’s.

Vandree · 20/05/2018 20:43

Christ, I despair that other women are telling a woman with 2 small children who is having an acute flare up of sciatica and cannot walk should put on her big girl panties and do her SAHM "job" FFS. I have had sciatica where I could take some paracetamol, a few stretches and a walk and been fine if in a bit of pain and I have had sciatica where I was left unable to even scream in agony as I couldn't get the air in my lungs and had to be wheelchaired to A&E to be pumped full of drugs where only then I was I not locked inside my own mind because of the agony. I am also a SAHM, there are times when I can just get on with things and suffer on and get on with my day and there are times when my DH has to take time off to let me be ill. SAHP's do not have to earn their keep and work even though they are flat on their backs and unable to walk. They do not have to bow down and do 100% of childcare at all times.

Vandree · 20/05/2018 20:43

Christ, I despair that other women are telling a woman with 2 small children who is having an acute flare up of sciatica and cannot walk should put on her big girl panties and do her SAHM "job" FFS. I have had sciatica where I could take some paracetamol, a few stretches and a walk and been fine if in a bit of pain and I have had sciatica where I was left unable to even scream in agony as I couldn't get the air in my lungs and had to be wheelchaired to A&E to be pumped full of drugs where only then I was I not locked inside my own mind because of the agony. I am also a SAHM, there are times when I can just get on with things and suffer on and get on with my day and there are times when my DH has to take time off to let me be ill. SAHP's do not have to earn their keep and work even though they are flat on their backs and unable to walk. They do not have to bow down and do 100% of childcare at all times.

WhatAMessTheBad · 20/05/2018 20:56

@Vandree, this is so well said.

Booboobooboo84 · 20/05/2018 21:05

Christ on a bike you’ve had a kicking here op. Sciatica is awful and yes in most cases you can plow through it that doesn’t mean you should. ‘Putting your big girl pants on’ and ignoring the pain could make it worse.

I’m a little confused as to why a 3.5 year old needs carrying and lifting everywhere? Is it because of his asd. If so you need to find a better way.

Your dh had decided to not go out so cancelled the nanny therefore he simply shouldn’t have gone out.

Smellycat19 · 20/05/2018 21:05

Thanks. I had been unable to sleep and in acute pain. I am no wimp. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep and the pain and sick and shivery because of the pain. I also had visible muscle spasms in my leg and numbness. I could not change a nappy. He was going to leave my son and my baby with my 86 year old mother and me whilstni had a physio visit. My mother gets very tired holding baby and certainly couldn’t have kept both my asd son she baby happy whilst I had physio. I had been very willing for him to go out that’s why I booked a nanny! He was disdainful of me doing so she said he would stay but then changed his mind. I know he does not really care about my pain and he prioritises not letting his friend down over looking after me. Our marriage is in crisis and this would have been the chance to show me he loved me but his behaviour tells me otherwise. I had been trying not to scream all night and didn’t want to wake him. When he had a sprained ankle he called me in the middle of the night saying “ help me!” - I went out and got him pain relief, took him meals on a tray ( my baby was about 2 months old) did everything for both children and arranged for physio to visit and encouraged him to lie in bed and rest.

RhurbabAndCustard · 20/05/2018 21:08

With children that young you could just stay in bed with CBeebies on and be fine whilst he went out. I had to go to work with a prolapsed disc as self employed. Woman up!

Grumpyoldblonde · 20/05/2018 21:17

If your partner is ill or in terrible pain you stay in and help if you possibly can
He could and chose not to.

Vandree · 20/05/2018 21:19

Rhurbab, and what if the baby needed to be fed/nappy change, or the toddler ran off and climbed up on top of the dresser/decided to turn on the stove/jump down the stairs/put his hand in the cutlery drawer? The OP cannot walk or get up so lying in bed is all very well when there is another adult around but not really going to work for the OP. Woman up indeed, you were obviously still able to move and get around with your prolapsed disc which I am sure what very painful. The OP has said she cannot walk, why not believe her? Instead of speaking about how you had it worse or had more pain you could believe her when she says she is in extreme pain and unable to walk and therefor unable to look after her children alone. Her DH said he was going to stay, he cancelled the nanny and he has now decided he will go out leaving his dw in agony. What makes him the lord and master who gets to make the decision on whether his wife is in pain enough? If I told my dh I couldn't walk or move he would be extremely worried and help in any way possible. Sometimes he can't gauge the pain I am in because I tend to go silent and my face goes blank because that is how I handle the pain, lucky for me he believes me when I his partner tells him how much pain I am in. I would question my marriage as well if my dh told me he felt he knew better than me how I was feeling. Maybe the op should roar and scream in agony to get her dh to realise how she is feeling.

Woman up... right aren't you fantastic

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2018 21:20

And another twat has rolled in to give their valuable own experience of your pain, OP. Ignore.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2018 21:21

That was at Rhubarb.

maxthemartian · 20/05/2018 21:23

Are people not actually ashamed of being so fucking awful?

Willow2017 · 20/05/2018 21:24

Rhubarb
Op is trying not to scream with the pain is having muscle spasms and is feeling sick.
She has a child with asd how the hell can she should she lie in bed with 2 wriggling kids while her oh fucks off to have fun with his friend after cancelling the nanny as he promised to stay with op ?
Friend could have came to the house and he could have looked after op and the kids at the same time as chatting to friend.
i couldnt lie down for 10 minutes when mine was bad. Lying on a bed is the worst thing poss in my case.

Nice to know you would leave your oh struggling in severe pain just for a night out.

RhurbabAndCustard · 20/05/2018 21:45

He took one child with him didn't he? Perhaps the best thing would if he had taken both and left her to relax in bed I agree. Maybe ask him to take both next time OP so it's better for you to relax especially if Physio coming round. I agree that some people can't cope with pain as much as others. Didn't mean to be nasty - just that I didn't have a choice about going to work and so sometimes it touches a nerve with me. I was in agony all the time especially getting up the stairs. Thought I was going to split in two

Have you tried Pilates OP? It has really helped even just once a week

Smellycat19 · 20/05/2018 21:59

Yes I need to do Pilates I just haven’t been able to leave my baby with anyone yet and I can’t take her with me. Wish it wasn’t so expensive Pilates.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2018 22:12

The weird troll-y contrarian types are going to kill this forum. This is about the eleventy billionth thread I’ve seen where the first handful of posters are being deliberate arseholes. I have no idea how MNHQ can put a stop to it but it is totally against the ethos of MN.

Same same few names pop up on every thread where a woman expects anything from a man. It doesn't matter whether a woman works or is in extreme pain or how much of a twatbadger the man is, up they roll and tell women to put up and shut up.

I`m starting to think it is a deliberate attempt to silence women and stop us talking to each other about what a good man looks like.

FWIW my DH made breakfast today and took DD out so I could lounge around. As he said, you do the same for me.

Pollaidh · 20/05/2018 22:23

I have chronic and severe pain. Generally if I am in a lot of pain at the weekend then DH takes both DC out with him, for as long as possible. This happens at least 1 day out of every 3 or 4 weekend days. If DH stayed at home every time I was in pain, then he and the DC would never go out. We're agreed I take the drugs and rest, he takes over DC, meals etc. Wouldn't want to keep them in.

He would never cancel the nanny and then leave us like that. He'd have taken both DC with him, or remained at home. That is definitely unreasonable behaviour.

Booboobooboo84 · 20/05/2018 22:23

@rhubarb you worked through the pain because you had no choice. Completely different to the op who had a nanny that her ‘not so dh’ cancelled and also her ‘not so dh.’