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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect him to stay at home if I can’t walk?

148 replies

HollyHunter18 · 19/05/2018 19:57

I have sciatica all down one leg and can’t walk without wincing- didn’t sleep
Last night. Pain is an 8. Can hardly hold, change/ feed my baby. DH took son out all day but then wanted to go and see an old friend ( he never goes out so I wouldn’t have minded) but wanted to leave me with baby and 3 year old son with asd and my mother who is in her 80s and can’t do much. I had physio coming. I said no. He took my son with him in the end and my son didn’t want to go. The really annoying thing is I’d booked a nanny to help so he could go but he told me he would stay so I cancelled. This was his chance after our marriage had been majorly under review, to show me he loved me but he put something else first and then was unpleasant about it. He also took my son with asd out on an unexpected trip when he’d been out all day didn’t know where he was going. AIBU to think he should have cancelled without a second thy?

OP posts:

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/05/2018 19:58

I also said on the other thread he should have stayed at home. I think more communication andhelp may be needed.

HelenaDove · 21/05/2018 20:01

Agreed Quack.

Coyoacan · 21/05/2018 21:29

How would you manage if you were a single parent? Carry on and you might find out

What the heck is the benefit of having a partner if when you really need them they leave you alone.

I mean there are benefits obviously if you love them and enjoy their company, but no benefits over being a single parent.

Voice0fReason · 21/05/2018 21:50

How would you manage if you were a single parent? Carry on and you might find out
But the point is she isn't a single parent. They are a couple with shared parental responsibilities.
If he resents supporting his wife and children so much and you are meant to carry on like you are single when you are actually married then what is the point of the relationship?

ArcheryAnnie · 21/05/2018 21:56

How would you manage if you were a single parent?

What a low bar to set for someone who isn't in fact a single parent.

Maybe that should be the MN answer to all the threads where a DH and father has been dickish about looking after their own damn kids: "How would you manage if you were a single parent?"

How little we seem to expect of men. I'd like us to try to expect men who have fathered children to at least be expected to take that level of responsibility for their care, especially when the other parent is hampered by pain or illness.

beansforbreakfastonceagain · 21/05/2018 22:15

What a low bar to set for someone who isn't in fact a single parent.

Spot on. So many threads on here about deliberate incompetence and virtually all replies say how the man should be pulling his weight and tell the OP she shouldn't refer to it as help, then you've some like this where some posters give it "Ah well at least he did something, you should be grateful.

beansforbreakfastonceagain · 21/05/2018 22:17

Some replies smack of this

Willow2017 · 22/05/2018 08:09

How would you manage if you were a single parent? Carry on and you might find out

What a nonsense.
Do people really set the bar so low that when you are in horrendous pain and can hardly move you wouldnt expect your dp to help you?
Wow!

Motoko · 22/05/2018 08:33

Well, if OP was a single parent, she wouldn't have cancelled the childcare, and her dick ex husband would have to have the children for whole weekends, which would allow the OP some downtime herself.

Perhaps she should consider it.

Bowlofbabelfish · 22/05/2018 08:39

I know several women whose lives would be easier if they were a single parent, because they’d get some downtime and not need to look after a sulky, lazy manchild as well as a couple of kids and hold down a job.

When you’re a couple, you’re a team. There may be times when one of you is out of action and the other needs to step up more. Dh is doing that right now for me - pregnant, HG, SPD and generally a bit incapacitated. He’s doing far more than his fair share - because he lives here and these are his kids. In the future maybe he will need me to step up and do more if he’s unwell etc. And I will.
If you can’t mutually support each other you’re doomed.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/05/2018 18:09

My partner does do a lot but even I think being separated would be lovely sometimes. Imagine a whole week completely to yourself, no worrying about the kids and just relaxing. Pure bliss.

greenberet · 23/05/2018 08:27

Marking this thread as suffering with horrendous back pain/ sciatica and want kids to read

@QuackPorridgeBacon as someone who is a single parent ( first time I've said that) and not by choice believe me you never stop worrying about your kids and mine are 17 - and as for the relaxing - forget it - it is a chance to catch up with things you haven't managed to do because you are continually chasing your tail like a blue arsed fly - x has the kids but my life hasn't changed much - I still have as much to do as I did before- but I also have to deal with the extra hassle caused by his lack of financial responsibility- his inability to communicate with me and the added stress that I am no under which is debilitating.

Be careful what you wish for and ignorance is bliss!

QuackPorridgeBacon · 23/05/2018 08:31

greenberet I don’t for one minute wish to be single. I do sometimes think that a whole week to catch up on sleep or clean the house thoroughly would be amazing. I didn’t say all stress would go but a complete week to myself (my kids are still very young) is sometimes a tempting thought. The week I would have them would be extremely difficult so I’m not blind and thinking being a single parent is fun. When I’m ill I have actually cried and worried at the thought of being a single parent I don’t think I would handle it at all. Anyone who is a single parent is pretty amazing in my eyes.

lovesugarfreejelly63 · 23/05/2018 08:35

HollyHunter, I don't know if this will help you but when I had severe sciatica I was told to walk across the room on my bottom! Getting down and up off the floor was painful, but I stuck it out and the pain did ease off somewhat, I didn't look very ladylike but at that stage I was past caring. I wont comment on your marriage as I believe it to be a private matter.

TheOriginalEmu · 23/05/2018 08:37

greenberet.....well, as a single parent with a disability, i much prefer it to living with a man who never prioritised me/us/our relationship and didn't give much of a shit about my pain/difficulties and how the affected me.

greenberet · 23/05/2018 08:43

@QuackPorridgeBacon - sorry I was probably a bit harsh - if you do get some time to yourself please do not clean the house - do something for you - I spent 20 years maintaining house & garden to pretty high standard - i got no thanks for it when it mattered - and I believe by doing everything for my kids I gave them a "warped" view - they are slowly coming good but it is a hard about turn.

Hopefully you will never find yourself in this situation but if you do you will handle it - you have to - you may still cry but you will do your best.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 23/05/2018 08:48

greenberet Oh trust me I don’t always put ge house first lol it’s a shithole at the moment because I’m tired as is the other half so we are chilling out when both kids are out of he house. I need to mop the floors come Thursday though. We have clean clothes and clean dishes etc but the house is mostly messy and cluttered. I just tell myself when they are older I can get on top of it all and no point burning myself out now while they are still so young and demand a lot of attention still. Same with their dad, he sleeps when they are both out of the house and I catch up on some shows.

greenberet · 23/05/2018 08:48

TheOriginalEmu - understand fully where you are coming from - not sure if you have kids - these are supposed to be a 'gift' even more so having gone through IVF - but some don't get this - ignore me I'm a bit off today

TheOriginalEmu · 23/05/2018 08:55

I have 3, and its been incredibly tough at times. but its still better than living in a shit relationship.

3333hh44 · 23/05/2018 09:05

Its mind boggling how some people believe all pain is equal.

Regardless of the pain, he canceled the childcare so he needs to stay in.

SamandDean · 23/05/2018 09:51

I understand where you’re coming from. He is being unreasonable in that he told you to cancel the nanny as he would be home. He can’t then go back on that unless he makes sure he either asks the nanny again or finds alternate childcare.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 23/05/2018 10:07

He didn’t cancel the nanny...

VivaKondo · 23/05/2018 11:12

No but the OP did BECAUSE he said he would be in. In my eyes, that’s the same thing.
The OP would never have cancelled if he hadn’t said he was going to be here and they need anyone at home to support her.

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