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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to stay at home if I can’t walk?

148 replies

HollyHunter18 · 19/05/2018 19:57

I have sciatica all down one leg and can’t walk without wincing- didn’t sleep
Last night. Pain is an 8. Can hardly hold, change/ feed my baby. DH took son out all day but then wanted to go and see an old friend ( he never goes out so I wouldn’t have minded) but wanted to leave me with baby and 3 year old son with asd and my mother who is in her 80s and can’t do much. I had physio coming. I said no. He took my son with him in the end and my son didn’t want to go. The really annoying thing is I’d booked a nanny to help so he could go but he told me he would stay so I cancelled. This was his chance after our marriage had been majorly under review, to show me he loved me but he put something else first and then was unpleasant about it. He also took my son with asd out on an unexpected trip when he’d been out all day didn’t know where he was going. AIBU to think he should have cancelled without a second thy?

OP posts:
LadyDeadpool · 19/05/2018 20:52

You keep saying my son, is it his step son? and your six month old his first? If so he has a learning curve but you can't also expect him to do everything its not fair and if you need the extra help with your sciatica then you're going to need to find it else where. What happens if your pain is at an 8 again but its a work day?

RB68 · 19/05/2018 20:53

Sciatic pain is not the same for everyone come on folks - sometimes it s worse than others and depends on the cause - I couldn't sit for 8 weeks barely stand and could lie for a while but not turn - no way could I care for a bloody 3 yr old with ASD and a baby.

He was unreasonable to not have let you know so that the Nanny wasn't cancelled. Perfectly OK to go out if cover arranged for kids - he hadn't and its unreasonable to leave someone in that sort of pain (which paracetamol does not sort out ffs) with kids etc. When people are hurt you do make them the priority - stupid not to

supersop60 · 19/05/2018 20:53

YANBU Op. If your pain atm is an 8, then your DH should stay at home and help. All those people who think you can pop a pill and crack on have never experienced it.
When you are feeling better, then your DH can go out. Whatever happened to 'in sickness and in health'?

Yumyumpigs · 19/05/2018 20:55

Would love to know if everyone who's telling you to put your big girl pants on (helpful) has endured sciatica. I haven't but my husband used to suffer. He is tge type to NEVER take time sick but had three days with sciatica. He's had 3 days sick in a 25 yeast career but sciatica floored him. I had to go home at lunch to take him to the loo and get him food etc. It's no joke

Ragusa · 19/05/2018 20:55

The replies on here are very harsh.

It is totally unreasonable of your dh to say he would stay, have you cancel then nanny, and then bugger off out taking a 3yo with him under sufferance. What a bloody cheek. I'd be livid.

category12 · 19/05/2018 20:58

He shouldn't have changed his mind after you cancelled the nanny. YANBU

VivaKondo · 19/05/2018 20:58

Wow some people obviously have no idea how bad sciatica can be.
You have sciatica and sciatica.
Just like you can a cold and still get in with it and the flu and unable to get up at all.
If the OP is saying her pain is an 8/10, why choosing to not believe her, say that a couple of paracetamol was enough to take of your pain and therefore that should be the same for her Confused mind boggles at times.
I hate it when people say ‘oh I have this and I can do x and y therefore you should be able to do it’ as if one’s pain has to be the same than everybody else.

OP you offered him the possibility to go and see his friend.
HE decided saying he wanted to stay and help you.
Going back on his word when he knew it meant it would put in a really crap position is a PA to have a go at you and tell you he doesn’t think your pain is that bad.
He is also showing that he doesn’t out his own ds first either but being happy to put a child with asd in a situation he knows will be stressful for him.

ByeMF · 19/05/2018 20:59

YANBU. Jeez I wouldn't have thought it's even safe to be caring for a baby and a child with additional needs when you're unable to walk. He is being unreasonable. And the judgement on this thread is f'ing unbelievable!

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 21:04

Some people are really nasty how can you all know how bad OP's pain is and whether or not she can walk.

Why on earth did he cancel the nanny if he wasn't prepared to look after the kids?

Onlyoldontheoutside · 19/05/2018 21:05

I think there's more problems with your marriage than you're telling us.
That aside I get sciatica and on bad days am on some very strong drugs,manage but due to the drugs can't drive.
I have a friend with pain due to prolapsed disc like OP and her pain is much much worse than mine.Drugs help a little but she is in pain sitting ,standing and sitting .She cannot twist or turn.Add a baby and a 3 yr old and to keep them safe you need someone to look after them.
I get it OP have no idea why others don't.

Wolfiefan · 19/05/2018 21:08

Honestly? I would rather go through labour without a single drug than have sciatica again. It literally took my breath away and sometimes my leg would "go" from under me. I wouldn't have been safe walking about and holding a baby. To leave you and your mum and a baby? Should be doable. To leave you the 3 year old and bugger off out? Not ok.
Sorry OP. Hope you feel better soon.

BristolGrrl · 19/05/2018 21:10

Grin at the people saying 'take a paracetamol and just carry on' - you've obviously never had proper, disabling sciatica. It's like those types who think a bad cold is flu. My mother had sciatica (before needing emergency surgery for discs causing spinal cord compression) and says that she'd rather go through labour again than have sciatica (note - I was nearly 10 pounds and was born in the days before epidurals being readily available).

LovingLola · 19/05/2018 21:11

I thought that you had told him to leave?

BristolGrrl · 19/05/2018 21:11

Cross post Wolfie!

JennyHolzersGhost · 19/05/2018 21:11

The weird troll-y contrarian types are going to kill this forum. This is about the eleventy billionth thread I’ve seen where the first handful of posters are being deliberate arseholes. I have no idea how MNHQ can put a stop to it but it is totally against the ethos of MN.

IWantMyHatBack · 19/05/2018 21:13

Some absolute shitheads on this thread Hmm

Ollivander84 · 19/05/2018 21:14

What Bristol said ^^
My "sciatica" needed paracetamol, ibuprofen, diazepam, dihydrocodeine 60mg FOUR times a day, and oramorph
I was still silently howling in pain and all I could do was rock
That was a 15mm herniated disc, I had emergency spinal surgery and IV pain relief. I threatened to cut my own leg off, and having previously broken my foot and ankle and walked on it, I'm not a wimp with pain!

Ollivander84 · 19/05/2018 21:15

Oh and I couldn't lift my leg at all, was completely numb and had foot drop

Louiselouie0890 · 19/05/2018 21:16

But doesnt him taking your your son solve the problem of you managing?

Rainydaydog · 19/05/2018 21:21

He is only going out for fun, not something important so even if you weren't as bad as you are, to me he should have stayed in. If my Dh were ill not even in agony, but just uncomfortable and wanted to rest I would change my plans.

FlyingDandelionSeed · 19/05/2018 21:27

Don't understand some of the disgusting replies. Yes, the OP's husband is 'allowed' to go out, but he's the parent of two children and is thus responsible for making sure someone is looking after them. The OP can't (and no I don't care what other people can do, they aren't the OP), so the husband should either hire help (the suggested Nanny) or do it himself.

Refusing the Nanny and insisting on going out anyway is horrible behaviour.

L0UISA · 19/05/2018 21:30

FFS. I don’t know one mother who’d leave their husband looking after a baby and a toddler when he’s in agony. Some of the responses here are mind boggling

This

Clarabell100 · 19/05/2018 21:33

Paracetamol doesn’t even touch my sciatica. That is laughable!

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

MrsHathaway · 19/05/2018 21:34

He said the nanny should be cancelled because he would be around. So he needed to be around.

Whether other MNers think OP is being wet is completely irrelevant. He made a childcare commitment and then wanted to sack it off for a better offer. That's twatty behaviour.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/05/2018 21:36

Going after the nanny had been cancelled, assuming he knew that, was mean. And only taking one of the children isn't enough, unless he thought your mum was able to help with the baby.
Can you go to your mum's to rest tomorrow and leave him with the children?e

The sciatica sounds awful, maybe you can prioritize your own needs? Just don't lift the older child, and get the nanny back to help out more.
I haven't had sciatica, but had really bad back problems during and after my pregnancy with DS2, and DS1 was a very big ( think size of the average 4 year old) at 2. I had to stop carrying him . It was OK, I found ways around it, he got used to it pretty quickly. The fact that your older child has as d doesn't mean you have to keep carrying him. If you don't put your health first you will be unable to look after them at all.
Things sound very difficult for you right now, pain and lack of sleep will make you feel worse. Feeling unsupported by DH just adds to it. Try to find a way of taking the next few days off completely - if you struggle on, DH will get the impression that you can manage, when clearly, you can't.
You are lucky to be in the position of being able to buy in help, so do it, and concentrate on looking after yourself and getting better.