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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to stay at home if I can’t walk?

148 replies

HollyHunter18 · 19/05/2018 19:57

I have sciatica all down one leg and can’t walk without wincing- didn’t sleep
Last night. Pain is an 8. Can hardly hold, change/ feed my baby. DH took son out all day but then wanted to go and see an old friend ( he never goes out so I wouldn’t have minded) but wanted to leave me with baby and 3 year old son with asd and my mother who is in her 80s and can’t do much. I had physio coming. I said no. He took my son with him in the end and my son didn’t want to go. The really annoying thing is I’d booked a nanny to help so he could go but he told me he would stay so I cancelled. This was his chance after our marriage had been majorly under review, to show me he loved me but he put something else first and then was unpleasant about it. He also took my son with asd out on an unexpected trip when he’d been out all day didn’t know where he was going. AIBU to think he should have cancelled without a second thy?

OP posts:
CaptainCabinets · 20/05/2018 22:30

YANBU to feel that the pain is unmanageable, sciatic pain is fucking horrific and occasionally truly untouchable and I feel like crying with it a lot of the time. So Flowers for you.

However, YABU to emotionally blackmail him with the ‘marriage review’.

mirime · 20/05/2018 22:42

@Karigan1 fgs, you could carry on, doesn't mean everyone can. My DM had sciatica once when I was a teenager and couldn't walk at all, taking paracetamol wouldn't have helped with that. You know what we did? My DF and I arranged as best we could to be there with her for most of the day.

OP - yanbu. You need a bit of extra help at the moment and your DH should support you.

HelenaDove · 20/05/2018 22:58

YY Jenny the sociopaths are posting tonight.

HelenaDove · 20/05/2018 23:03

"These same men's rights activists would be scandalized if the OP were to divorce and not let him see HER children"

Nailed it!

ArcheryAnnie · 20/05/2018 23:05

YANBU. You had booked childcare, he had said he'd do it, you then cancelled the childcare and then he changes his plans. He's being a dick.

Motoko · 20/05/2018 23:08

God, there are some shitheads on here tonight.

OP, you've had a namechange fail. It looks like your husband has told you what the marriage means to him. Time to start sorting out a divorce. Sorry you're going through a crap time, I hope you can get some relief from the pain soon.

HelenaDove · 20/05/2018 23:09

RhurbabAndCustard Sun 20-May-18 21:08:30

"With children that young you could just stay in bed with CBeebies on and be fine whilst he went out. I had to go to work with a prolapsed disc as self employed. Woman up"

Translation............"i had to suffer so why shouldnt the OP"

Another one confusing feminism with sociopathy.

ArcheryAnnie · 20/05/2018 23:10

I agree that some people can't cope with pain as much as others.

And some people, Rhubard, seem unable to cope with the idea that the same condition can cause quite different levels of pain in different people depending on all sorts of factors, and just because you've had that condition doesn't mean you know jack shit how much pain it's causing someone else.

HelenaDove · 20/05/2018 23:18

Ive never had sciatica but i have had gallstones so i know what its like to be in extreme pain You have my sympathy OP He should have stayed in.

Ollivander84 · 20/05/2018 23:28

Rhubarb - there was not a hope in hell I could have done Pilates when the pain was at its worst
The physio wouldn't touch me until I had a scan, and the MRI had the neurosurgeon down at 1am in case I needed surgery right then. I was discharged 22hrs after what turned out to be a 5hr op and he told me at my review he was amazed I was still walking when I was admitted. I'm talking rocking in agony, grey in the face, constant nerve pain from back to foot

Willow2017 · 21/05/2018 00:19

I had to have a scan too.

I have had severe pain from lots of things over the course of the years and i can get on with it pretty well and have had to work through it at times as its struck while on night duty but my last bout of sciatica was horrendous literally could barely move for about 10 hours.

Really hate people sanctamoniously saying 'some people just cant handle pain like i can' 'get over yourself and man/woman up'. Wtaf do they know about someone else's pain? Nerve pain is sometimes impossible to control. I have known someone on ketamine for it plus a cocktail of other meds as well and it still wasnt 100% under control.
Unless you are experiencing it you dont know squat.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/05/2018 00:49

He should have stayed in but, I wouldn’t have cancelled the nanny even if he did stay in. You say he doesn’t go out much so I’m assuming he works and looks after the children amongst other things and probably felt he needed some time. Having the nanny there while you had physio would have helped with some space for the both of you. I don’t know you or your husband so I won’t assume too much. Clearly you are in extreme pain and needed help and he seems like he could be stressed, why did you cancel the nanny? He was wrong to say he would stay and then leave even if he did take one of the children. Why is your mum with you? Are you needing to look after her or was it a social call?

Willow2017 · 21/05/2018 07:27

Quack

Rtt.
Op did not cancel the nanny he did as he said he was staying home then changed his mind leaving her to get on with it.

She does 95% of childcare.

He lets her carry the kids despite her pain.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/05/2018 10:01

“Let” would imply she is choosing to carry them. I did read the thread, the op says that because he said he would stay, she cancelled the nanny.

To expect him to stay at home if I can’t walk?
Willow2017 · 21/05/2018 12:48

Ok but if her oh was there why would she need a nanny during her physio? He should have been there to look after the kids. He changed his mind and sodded off and left her in agony with 2 kids to look after and somehow have phyio at the same time!

What ever way you look at it he is a selfish arse.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/05/2018 12:52

One kid to look after actually. And the nanny could have watched the kids while she had physio and he had some down time. Disabilities are also hard for those around it, whether it’s the parents of a child with a disability or an adult with it.

Puttingthefootdown · 21/05/2018 13:18

I would never leave my H In that much pain while looking after our children. Why? I could visit my friend another time. Family comes first!
We don't have the joy of being able to afford a nanny, so we would always sacrifice for each other. Or he would most likely take the kids with him so I could go rest in bed.
It's really that simple!

Willow2017 · 21/05/2018 16:09

Op said she can barely hold her baby to feed them or change them but he still left her to cope with this. If baby had bern screaming during physio op wouldnt have got much out of it would she? She would have been focused on that instead.

Dp would rather disrupt his childs day twice which for a child with asd is highly upsetting than take up his patental responsibilities never mind support his oh who is in so much pain she is shaking.

Down time from what? Doing 5% of childcare the rest of the week while op soldiers on doing everything else herself?

If he had wanted nanny to stay he had the chance to say so not just decide once she was cancelled that he was going anyway.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/05/2018 18:30

Willow2017 I’m assuming he works seeing as the op can’t, so yes considering he never goes out and it hasn’t been said hat he leaves the house looking like a shithole, he would need downtime. Neither me or my partner work and we have two kids and seriously need downtime sometimes. That’s what someone having a disability does to you, it tires you out both mentally and physically.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 21/05/2018 18:36

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QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/05/2018 18:38

Whatshallidonowpeople Bit harsh with the carry on but I do agree, how would you cope as a single parent? The thought sends shivers down my spine and genuinely terrifies me when I think about it for myself.

IJustLostTheGame · 21/05/2018 19:11

Yanbu.
On everything.
In sickness and in health means you look after your partner when they are incapacitated and/or poorly.
I've had a herniated disc with sciatic entrapment and it was excruciating even on prescription painkillers. I couldn't have gone through it with children, it wouldn't have been safe for a start.

Bowlofbabelfish · 21/05/2018 19:30

I’ve had sciatica for years pre kids and found it painful but dealable with.

Then... I had Spd with sciatic involvement. Oh my. That was pain. It was the sort of pain you can’t really work around. They gave me morphine but it didn’t really make much difference. And my leg kept collapsing.

I think I have a high threshold (the anaesthesia failed during an op once for me and I held it together) but that pain was BAD.

So no, yanbu. It sounds like you guys are not communicating well - what’s going on around this??

HelenaDove · 21/05/2018 19:50

Well Quack my husband is disabled................and i bloody well wouldnt leave him on his own in pain even if i did need a break.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/05/2018 19:58

I wouldn’t either. I’m just saying. People handle things differently. I have a disabled child so I’m going off that really.