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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to stay at home if I can’t walk?

148 replies

HollyHunter18 · 19/05/2018 19:57

I have sciatica all down one leg and can’t walk without wincing- didn’t sleep
Last night. Pain is an 8. Can hardly hold, change/ feed my baby. DH took son out all day but then wanted to go and see an old friend ( he never goes out so I wouldn’t have minded) but wanted to leave me with baby and 3 year old son with asd and my mother who is in her 80s and can’t do much. I had physio coming. I said no. He took my son with him in the end and my son didn’t want to go. The really annoying thing is I’d booked a nanny to help so he could go but he told me he would stay so I cancelled. This was his chance after our marriage had been majorly under review, to show me he loved me but he put something else first and then was unpleasant about it. He also took my son with asd out on an unexpected trip when he’d been out all day didn’t know where he was going. AIBU to think he should have cancelled without a second thy?

OP posts:
hopingforhappiness · 19/05/2018 21:38

I have precisely the same back issue as OP. The pain is excruciating.
I went through 4 labours without pain relief, but the pain of sciatica is on another level.
She is NOT being unreasonable to ask for help.

IWantMyHatBack · 19/05/2018 21:42

Kind of wishing unrelenting nerve pain on some of the fuckers on this thread.

When mine was horrific, even my abusive alcoholic arsehole of an ex recognised that he needed to be around for the kids because I was incapable of lifting or changing the toddler.

Voice0fReason · 19/05/2018 21:44

I would absolutely expect my DH to take over childcare if I was in pain and he would without me having to ask.
I am surprised that so many of you have such low expectations of dads & partners. He can have time off - just not when his wife is laid up in pain!

Ollivander84 · 19/05/2018 21:44

IWant - unrelenting is the word. I was waiting to be triaged and skipped the whole queue after the amazing triage nurse scanned the room at a&e and whipped me into a cubicle and shoved a syringe of oramorph down me
Luckily they spotted it as the surgeon said 48hrs before I lost use of my legs, bladder and bowels

TammySwansonTwo · 19/05/2018 21:52

I suffer debilitating pain from another condition which requires morphine to manage - I cannot imagine any scenario short of a life or death situation where my husband would leave me with the kids in that state.

IWantMyHatBack · 19/05/2018 21:52

Mine wasn't lumbar so only lost use one an arm (temporarily) but the pain was like nothing I've ever felt before. It's beyond pain. Pain can be ignored to a certain degree, nerve stuff can't.
It's like having toothache, but over an entire limb. You can feel the nerve on fire, and all the associated sensations, the exhaustion from being in constant unrelenting pain. It's horrific

Ollivander84 · 19/05/2018 21:56

IWant - exactly. Mine was L5/S1 and it's obvious on the scan even to a not medical person

To expect him to stay at home if I can’t walk?
beansforbreakfastonceagain · 19/05/2018 21:57

Fucking paracetamol? I despair of this place sometimes.

Coyoacan · 19/05/2018 21:57

I have had sciatica, and I am shocked by anyone who thinks it is helped by being a "big girl" and taking paracetamol

My mother was on traction in hospital for six weeks with sciatica. Really shocked by the initial responses on this thread.

beansforbreakfastonceagain · 19/05/2018 21:57

YANBU OP

AgentCooper · 19/05/2018 22:01

Why are people being dicks? YANBU OP.

As for the OP's DH deserving a bit of fun and time to himself, come on! How many of us with young babies get time to ourselves anyway? His responsibilities to his DW and DCs take precedence over downtime.

BlackeyedSusan · 19/05/2018 22:03

3.5 year old child with asd on an unexpected trip....

just the thought, is giving me palpitations, heartburn, high blood pressure and makes me want to run away screaming....

sometimes it can be fine, some children would cope, then other times, well it can be an utter total disaster, and al hell could break lose when he gets home. (i hope you have good insurance and the dipstick can afford the excess... )

IWantMyHatBack · 19/05/2018 22:06

Hmm... I smell sock puppetry on the first few responses

Happinesss · 19/05/2018 22:13

*I understand you must be in pain, but he took your son out all day so you could rest and relax a bit more.
He wanted sometime to himself and you refused stating you needed help with your son.
So he took the son out with him to meet his friend.

But apparently be does no child care etc etc*

^this.
And you said he rarely goes out. Give him a break.

beansforbreakfastonceagain · 19/05/2018 22:15

This reply has been deleted

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Cakeycakecake · 19/05/2018 22:17

God what is wrong with some of you??

Op yanbu. Sciatica isn’t solved with paracetamol. Jesus. I had physio for mine, it kept coming back. Scans revealed more damage. Now when I have a sciatica flare I lose feeling in one leg and collapse. I have to use a stick all the time in case it happens- and it truly comes on from nowhere. The pain is something else altogether like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

Your dh is out of order. He clearly doesn’t get or doesn’t care about your pain.

AnneElliott · 19/05/2018 22:18

FFS. I don’t know one mother who’d leave their husband looking after a baby and a toddler when he’s in agony. Some of the responses here are mind boggling

I agree with the above - any mother swanning off to see a friend in the above situation would get pretty short shrift!

Your H should have stayed home. I sympathise as my H left me with DS (he was 10 though) when I was very seriously ill. I haven't forgiven him - for what he put DS through. DS was so worried about me, and that's what I can't forgive.

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 22:20

*I understand you must be in pain, but he took your son out all day so you could rest and relax a bit more.
He wanted sometime to himself and you refused stating you needed help with your son.
So he took the son out with him to meet his friend.

But apparently be does no child care etc etc*

I don't get why we set such low standards for men sometimes. The guy looked after one child for a day while his wife was at home in terrible pain with the other child (It wasn't like she was having a spa day). The child has ASD and it sounds like the second trip out in the evening was too much for him, yet he dragged him out anyway leaving OP still in terrible pain looking after the baby again! Why does DP who is fit and healthy need time to himself but not OP?

Crunchymum · 19/05/2018 22:22

I currently have plantar fasciitis in both feet and it's fucking debilitating.

That said I'm on SMP and DP is self employed. So if DP doesn't work we're fucked. I've had to manage the school run and I've had to do the basics around the house. God am I miserable though.

Poodletip · 19/05/2018 22:26

Of course YANBU, I wouldn't leave someone I love, in that much pain, trying to look after a baby, if it could possibly be avoided. I really can't believe some of the replies on here. People must be absolute doormats to "just get on with it" when they are in agony so their OH can go and have fun.

Coyoacan · 19/05/2018 22:33

I understand you must be in pain, but he took your son out all day so you could rest and relax a bit more

So, this child is only the OP's, nothing to do with this kind and generous man who sacrificed himself to let OP have a rest looking after her six-month-old baby. These same men's rights activists would be scandalized if the OP were to divorce and not let him see HER children.

Fruitcorner123 · 19/05/2018 22:46

FFS. I don’t know one mother who’d leave their husband looking after a baby and a toddler when he’s in agony. Some of the responses here are mind boggling

Agree with this. YANBU. He didnt even take both children just the older one. The posters who don't get it really need to have a word with themselves
The poster who said she is a SaHM so essentially its her job...1. she has a fucking baby so is likely to be on mat leave 2. parenting is the duty of both parents 3. She is in agony. You may be happy to leave your baby in the care of someone who can't walk, I wouldn't. I also care for my partner too much to even consider it.

Sorry but I suspect some of the trolls are men.

CaledonianQueen · 19/05/2018 22:49

What an absolute bl*dy arse!!! You need to have a bl*dy serious conversation about his priorities! If you can afford it, then get the Nanny in every day until you are on the mend.

I had severe SPD, which was absolute agony, was on crutches, had the onset of a neurological condition which meant my legs were constantly going from under me and I had a 3-year-old autistic DS and a 1-year-old baby. My DH took over and never left me alone with our DC. Your poor little boy, he is going to be utterly overwhelmed, I am horrified that your DH would be so utterly bl**dy selfish!

Could you contact your local Shop Mobility and see if you can hire a self-propelling wheelchair? My legs were going under me so much that it was safer to swap to a wheelchair and use a connecta/ soft structured carrier/ sling to safely move around the house with my baby.

Do you have a sensory area/ sensory tent where your little boy can retreat to with a weighted blanket and sensory toys? If you do, I would put him in there as soon as he gets home. I hope that for your little boy's sake he hasn't had a massive meltdown, although it would serve your DH right if he did!

Do heat and cold help with the pain? I found hot water bottles alternated with ice packs helped a little with the pain. I am so sorry OP, I know how awful it is to be in your situation. Thankfully I had good, kind and empathic people around me when I was in your situation. I am so sorry that you have been treated so cruelly on here, you would have been better posting on the relationships board. There are too many invective and vitriolic wolves hiding in sheep's clothing on aibu!

Willow2017 · 19/05/2018 22:53

Sciatica is hellish. Sometimes i can barely get up of the chair.

Paracetamol? Dont make me laugh. I ended up with dihydrocodein as nothing else touched it and i have a high pain threshold. I was barely able to walk for days never mind look after a baby and toddler.

Your oh is a selfish arse op.

whatsinthebox · 19/05/2018 23:23

If the OP had fucked off out leaving her DH holding the baby while he was in pain and suffering with mobility issues, I'm sure she would have been called an unfit parent for putting herself first over everyone else's needs, yet because it's a man that's done this then the OP just needs to get on with it Hmm