Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is selfish or my daughter is lazy?

202 replies

brentlondon · 19/05/2018 08:17

DD is 18 and on a gap year before university, she works up to 40 hours a week to save for university and for trips. To be fair, the trips are partly educational and linked to her course. She’s got into the top university for her course.

Her work is a 20-25 minute each way drive from our house. We live in the countryside and neither of us can afford to buy her a car or the insurance on it or see point. To get to work she must walk 30-35 minutes to the railway station, a 30 minute train journey and then another 10 minute walk, then a 30 minute bus. So, all in all with allowing time for transfers and waits, her commute is roughly 2 hours each way if she is relying on herself. This also costs about 1/5 of her daily wage. She does this every week day she works.

On the weekends, or when we are free, I think it is fair for us to drive her the 25 minute journey to work. She can relax at home, sleep, go for a walk, save money (!) etc.

Husband disagrees, to him, that’s pampering her. He is currently sleeping once more as I have to go out and take DS to an appointment and get my hair cut. I asked him if he’d leave the house at 10:30am to drop her off. “No fuck off” was the reply, stating that he deserves a lie in and he has far too much to do today. Apparently he has lots to do in the greenhouse (whilst the garden overgrows). Cue lots of abuse and swearing at me.

Am I pampering her, considering she techincally is now an adult, or is he a selfish fuckwit?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 19/05/2018 08:18

He’s a fuckwit.

Dancingmonkey87 · 19/05/2018 08:19

Why can’t you take her?

FlatTopVera · 19/05/2018 08:19

I would drive her when I could.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 19/05/2018 08:19

Well he sounds charming and she should get a job closer to home

Grumpyoldblonde · 19/05/2018 08:19

Whatever the rights and wrongs of taking your daughter your husband is a prick. Swearing at you, telling you to fuck off? Dreadful behaviour.

GalwayWayfarer · 19/05/2018 08:19

Abuse and swearing??? Literally never ok, regardless of the dispute.

I don't think you are pampering your daughter by giving her an occasional lift but I would say the bigger issue here is that it sounds like your DH is a prick.

honeylulu · 19/05/2018 08:20

He is selfish and lazy. She sounds hard working and resourceful. It's hard being a teen in the countryside. She didn't choose to move there!

RayRayBidet · 19/05/2018 08:20

Well even if he disagrees with you he shouldn't swear at you.
Personally I would give her a lift as she is working hard and I would want to encourage her and save her some cash but I guess not everyone would.

Smoothyloopy · 19/05/2018 08:20

Your husband is mean & behaving like a dick. Of course he should give her a lift

FairyMcHairy · 19/05/2018 08:21

Your daughter doesn't sound lazy in the slightest. Don't let the thoughts of your unpleasant husband influence yours.

bastardkitty · 19/05/2018 08:22

Is your husband a bastard in other ways as well? With a 2 hour commute each way, I'd offer to either drop off daily or collect daily if I could. Would be good to have that precious time with your DD before she's away.

jaseyraex · 19/05/2018 08:22

I think it's just being nice to drive her when you can and it's helping her save a bit of extra cash. It's not like she's begging you for lifts if she happily takes the train and bus every other day. Your husband sounds like a dick.

Lethaldrizzle · 19/05/2018 08:23

Your daughter sounds amazing! I'd be helping her in whatever way I could. Your dh not so much. Woukd a bike be an answer? Or too tricky on country roads

movpov · 19/05/2018 08:23

The latter - but I think your problem with him is a lot bigger than refusing to give lifts....abuse and swearing?

Queenoftheblitz · 19/05/2018 08:23

I feel sorry for your dd. 10.30 isn't that early. Aside from his abuse of you, why wouldn't he want to help her?

FairyMcHairy · 19/05/2018 08:23

And I agree with a PP that she didn't choose to live in the countryside. You and your husband did. When you make that decision, you have to accept that you will be making up for the shortfalls in public transport with your children/teens.

Ansumpasty · 19/05/2018 08:23

She sounds very committed...there aren’t many 18 year olds who would do that!
Your husband is being cruel. She’ll remember you drove her and he didn’t when you both need lifts to the chiropodist and bingo when you’re 80. He’ll be walking ;)

Original poster
brentlondon · 19/05/2018 08:24

I can’t take her this morning due to having to take DS to his appointment. (As dh is still sleeping). I should be able to come back in time for this evening.

OP posts:
ChilliMum · 19/05/2018 08:24

Your husband is selfish. Family help each other out. My lovely dad regularly dropped me for my bus when i was at college (15 minute walk or 5 mins in the car) picked me up from nightclubs at 2am to save me the ridiculous cost of taxi.

I would do the same for my kids and have returned the favour a few times to my parents when I passed my driving test and picked them up so they could both have a drink Smile

NameChangedForThisQ · 19/05/2018 08:24

Your daughter sounds amazingly industrious and hard working. Your husband sounds like an abuser.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 19/05/2018 08:26

There is indeed someone lazy in your house and it isn’t your DD. Gap Year, to me, means bumming around maybe traveling for a year before the real work begins, not working 40 hours a week with a four hour daily commute. I always help my children when I can, especially when they are putting in a huge effort themselves, why wouldn’t I? Your husband sounds delightful.

Furano · 19/05/2018 08:26

Your daughter sounds very hardworking.

Your husband sounds like a prick. What first attracted you to him?!?

VladmirsPoutine · 19/05/2018 08:26

He sounds awful. Of course he should give her a lift. I reckon she's counting down the days till she can get the fuck out of there. Swearing and insulting you is such a proportionately OTT reply that I'd be inclined to re-assess the entire relationship. Good luck to your DD.

PrimalLass · 19/05/2018 08:26

He sounds horrible. I hope she refuses to help him when he needs it.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 19/05/2018 08:27

Your husband sounds like a selfish shit. Your daughter sounds like she's working her ass off, it's a 25 min drive, I'd do it every day for my dd if I could.
The casual way you've dropped in that he verbally abuses and swears at you is saddening.
You know that's not right, don't you?.

Swipe left for the next trending thread