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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is selfish or my daughter is lazy?

202 replies

brentlondon · 19/05/2018 08:17

DD is 18 and on a gap year before university, she works up to 40 hours a week to save for university and for trips. To be fair, the trips are partly educational and linked to her course. She’s got into the top university for her course.

Her work is a 20-25 minute each way drive from our house. We live in the countryside and neither of us can afford to buy her a car or the insurance on it or see point. To get to work she must walk 30-35 minutes to the railway station, a 30 minute train journey and then another 10 minute walk, then a 30 minute bus. So, all in all with allowing time for transfers and waits, her commute is roughly 2 hours each way if she is relying on herself. This also costs about 1/5 of her daily wage. She does this every week day she works.

On the weekends, or when we are free, I think it is fair for us to drive her the 25 minute journey to work. She can relax at home, sleep, go for a walk, save money (!) etc.

Husband disagrees, to him, that’s pampering her. He is currently sleeping once more as I have to go out and take DS to an appointment and get my hair cut. I asked him if he’d leave the house at 10:30am to drop her off. “No fuck off” was the reply, stating that he deserves a lie in and he has far too much to do today. Apparently he has lots to do in the greenhouse (whilst the garden overgrows). Cue lots of abuse and swearing at me.

Am I pampering her, considering she techincally is now an adult, or is he a selfish fuckwit?

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 19/05/2018 10:00

I’d give her a lift yes.

And I’m a SM to DSDs who get daily lifts from DP even though they are 18 and 20! And could easily take the bus. But your DD is not being spoilt at all, she sounds very hard working. And your husband is being a dick, and telling you to fuck deserves a massive kick! You should have insisted then that he took DS for a haircut and you would then take DD.

JennyHolzersGhost · 19/05/2018 10:01

Poor kid.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/05/2018 10:02

Your daughter sounds like a great girl, your husband a selfish git.☹️

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/05/2018 10:03

Hey OP, stop taking abuse from him, let there be consequences to his vile mouth.💐

Singlenotsingle · 19/05/2018 10:04

If I was in your shoes, which thankfully I'm not, I would be making arrangements to move out. I would be planning a little rental (2 up, 2 down) somewhere near my daughter's work. Face it, the man doesn't love you! How can you live with someone who treats you like that? No doubt it would be difficult financially. The mortgage might have to take a back seat. But you need to get your priorities right.

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 19/05/2018 10:05

Definitely I'd give her a lift.

When I was young and skint, I got a motorbike for transport - it revolutionised my mobility, because now I could pop home in 45 minutes, rather than the half day of travelling it took on public transport etc.

Would she consider a bike or scooter maybe? They're a lot cheaper, and in summer not so bad (although admittedly more dangerous than a car)

AgentProvocateur · 19/05/2018 10:06

Your poor children, putting up with a vile excuse of a dad. I doubt you’ll see either of them much as soon as they’re able to leave home. But you’ve made your choice to stay with him, so I guess you’re fine with that.

MumofBoysx2 · 19/05/2018 10:06

I would drive her if it were me, or better still pull out all the stops to try to make sure she gets a car. She's doing loads for herself, she's hardly lazy, and it shows a lot of support. You're right, he's wrong IMO.

MoonFacesMum · 19/05/2018 10:09

He sounds awful. She is an adult, but adults can do each other favours and help each other out, especially if they love and care for each other. Is he not proud of her? Does he not want to see her achieving her dreams.

I really don’t think I could love a man who treated a member of his family like this.

I would really listen to what your daughter I saying about how she is unhappy at home and wants to leave. Is it just because if her father or is it because of you too. To hear a child of mine say that, at any age, would break my heart. I’d have to change something.

DoinItForTheKids · 19/05/2018 10:09

It's a shame that OP would rather accept seeing her DD much less than she could potentially see her in deference to staying with an abusive, vile husband who openly criticises their own child. Clearly the fact that he contributed half the DNA does not a good father make - I have known of SDs who do a lot better job than your DDs father is doing. Genetics don't make good fathers or husbands - their actions do. Your DD obviously made the statement that she made because she's frustrated, sad, angry that it's not going to change home - because you're not willing to change it. That should have been a wake-up call to you OP, to actually take action.

MoonFacesMum · 19/05/2018 10:09

Missing questions marks, sorry.

MrsFezziwig · 19/05/2018 10:24

@Firesuit your maths is rubbish. The daughter’s commute is 2 hours each way i.e. a total of 4 hours, the same journey by car is 25 minutes each way so a total of 50 minutes. Perhaps you should stop accusing posters of bias and just read the OP properly.

elephantscanring · 19/05/2018 10:25

She soudns as if she has a great work ethic, and I could certainly give her lifts whenever I could to make her life easier.

But your h sounds like a selfish tool - does he usually shout and swear at you?? Charming.

elephantscanring · 19/05/2018 10:27

I certainly do feel that she dislikes him and she has told me she cannot wait to move out, and even delivered an ultimatum the other month that unless things change at home, then she cannot see herself coming home much in future.

Just asaw this. Oh. So you're putting your boorish husband before your dd? How doe he treat her?? Does he shout and swear at her too??

DiplomaticDecorum · 19/05/2018 10:50

I live rurally, when most hit sixteen we got mopeds/motorbikes, a lot cheaper than a car, and we have no buses here anyway.

To those suggesting she gets a job closer to home, when you live surrounding by fields that's impossible

notapizzaeater · 19/05/2018 10:55

He could have still had a lie in and took her, tbh this is the least of your problems ....

tinytemper66 · 19/05/2018 10:58

I would drive your husband to the far side of fuck off land and leave the twat there!

KarinVogel · 19/05/2018 11:03

Its pretty obvious how jealous your DH is of your DD. Hes nasty to you when asked a simple question. Part from the ficticious 'middle class ideal' what are you getting out of living where you do with this man?

I admire your DD . She sees your life and has rejected it fr herself and is working as hard as she can to separate herself from your home life.
Do you really want to see her only when you visit her in halls? Or take her for a nice meal out and say goodbye until the next half term?

I would take a good hard look at your life and make every effort to help your DD now while you still can.

bastardkitty · 19/05/2018 11:05

I.do think a bike is a good idea though. Tell your H to get on it and keep pedalling. Give his car to your DD. Tell her you will never let her be treated like crap again and that you will also set much higher standards for yourself in future.

Quartz2208 · 19/05/2018 11:05

You will lose your daughter she Sounds bright clever and motivated and she will leave and not look back

Don’t deluded yourself he is not an ok man and he is an awful awful father

altiara · 19/05/2018 11:12

If it was me, I’d want to put my hard working daughter ahead of the abusive dick of a husband. She won’t be coming back after uni because she has enough sense to not want to live with a man like that.

Gabilan · 19/05/2018 11:20

Swearing at me is completely normalised now, and I know it’s not okay but that’s a seperate issue.

No, it's the main issue. When I was mentoring uni students I was warned to check carefully on 1st year students returning after Christmas break. Quite a high proportion would have gone home for the holidays to find their parents announcing a divorce and the uni knew this. People hold on until the children have left and then something alters radically.

He sounds horrible OP and your daughter's ultimatum makes sense. Unless he changes, I wouldn't be seeing much of him.

DoinItForTheKids · 19/05/2018 11:25

OP has already explained why a bicycle doesn't work for her daughter with this particular journey.

bastardkitty · 19/05/2018 11:29

I was recommending the bike for the husband!

WhendoIgetadayoff · 19/05/2018 11:38

Your daughter sounds hard working and committed to working when she has that kind of commute. And yes of course you should try support whenever possible. Your husband sounds awful. Can you get a rota going? So you always give her lifT one way? Can she stay over with anyone once a week?
Could you have taken daughter while he took son to whatever he was doing. Is there any option of really cheap car or moped for her for year - I know that’s not the cost it’s the insurance though so may not be option.