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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is selfish or my daughter is lazy?

202 replies

brentlondon · 19/05/2018 08:17

DD is 18 and on a gap year before university, she works up to 40 hours a week to save for university and for trips. To be fair, the trips are partly educational and linked to her course. She’s got into the top university for her course.

Her work is a 20-25 minute each way drive from our house. We live in the countryside and neither of us can afford to buy her a car or the insurance on it or see point. To get to work she must walk 30-35 minutes to the railway station, a 30 minute train journey and then another 10 minute walk, then a 30 minute bus. So, all in all with allowing time for transfers and waits, her commute is roughly 2 hours each way if she is relying on herself. This also costs about 1/5 of her daily wage. She does this every week day she works.

On the weekends, or when we are free, I think it is fair for us to drive her the 25 minute journey to work. She can relax at home, sleep, go for a walk, save money (!) etc.

Husband disagrees, to him, that’s pampering her. He is currently sleeping once more as I have to go out and take DS to an appointment and get my hair cut. I asked him if he’d leave the house at 10:30am to drop her off. “No fuck off” was the reply, stating that he deserves a lie in and he has far too much to do today. Apparently he has lots to do in the greenhouse (whilst the garden overgrows). Cue lots of abuse and swearing at me.

Am I pampering her, considering she techincally is now an adult, or is he a selfish fuckwit?

OP posts:
DragonmotherKhaleesi · 19/05/2018 08:28

She works 40 hours a week with a 4hour daily commute! Of course she isn't lazy.....

Curtainshopping · 19/05/2018 08:29

Cue lots of abuse and swearing at me.

Is this normal within your marriage?

knittingdad · 19/05/2018 08:30

Can your daughter combine a bicycle with the train to cut down her commute time?

That doesn't help with your DH, but helps all the time with the travelling.

Everexpandingwaistline · 19/05/2018 08:31

Is he her das or stepdad?

Jamboree05 · 19/05/2018 08:34

What the utter fuck? He's an arsehole.

millmoo · 19/05/2018 08:35

Before my DD drove I regularly drove her to work -it wasn’t far away but because of timings I didn’t want her walking on her own in the dark (sometimes 6am start or sometimes 9pm finish) it’s what families do as I know now she drives she’d give me a lift if I needed one -your DH is being a twat

NeedForBlossom · 19/05/2018 08:37

Well, she has a choice (I assume she starts at 11) - either leave 2 hours to get to work and she will need to go shortly, or go with you and be early. Does she work in a town?

Original poster
brentlondon · 19/05/2018 08:37

It’s right that she could get a job closer to home but it then wouldn’t be relevant to her studies/ambitions. Nor would it pay anywhere near.

She did try the bicycle tip but found it impossible to get the thing on the train due to them being packed and strictly controlled. Plus the lanes here have idiots on them.

Swearing at me is completely normalised now, and I know it’s not okay but that’s a seperate issue.

Come to think of it I’m still p1ssed off at him for him trying to convince her not to take her dream university place. (oxbridge)

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/05/2018 08:37

He sounds horrible. She doesn’t sound lazy at all.

Roussette · 19/05/2018 08:37

That's a bloody awful commute for little money, your DD sounds very hardworking. I'd be taking out a bank loan to buy a very cheap car for her to drive, and ask her to contribute monthly to the insurance.

Failing that, I would be driving her as much as possible.

Snewname · 19/05/2018 08:39

Wow most people wouldn't want to work those hours with a 4 hour commute, and presumably a minimum wage job. She's amazing.

bastardkitty · 19/05/2018 08:39

Let's talk about why you are putting up with this abuse. And have you given serious thought to leaving him? You need to.

Sparkletastic · 19/05/2018 08:39

Can you get rid of your husband. I admire your DD's work ethic.

Katedotness1963 · 19/05/2018 08:42

He's a selfish twat. She sounds hardworking, you should be proud of her!

GnotherGnu · 19/05/2018 08:42

Your husband is an arsehole. It's one thing not to want to give her a lift, it's in another realm to start abusing and swearing at someone who simply suggests he might.

LittleMermaidRose · 19/05/2018 08:43

Your husband sounds horrible for the way he speaks to you!!!

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to sleep in on his days off, but it is a bit selfish when your daughter has to travel 2 hours for a 25 minute journey. Maybe she could offer to help in the garden /greenhouse in exchange for a lift?

KappaKappa · 19/05/2018 08:43

I think the issue is the attitude of your DH. DD is working hard and being responsible and I’d help mine with lifts if I was able; it’s not pampering imo, it’s being kind.

keepingbees · 19/05/2018 08:43

I would be very proud of her if she were my daughter. I'd be disgusted at the husband. Why didn't he want her to go to the university? Sounds like he's almost jealous of her.

Chickoletta · 19/05/2018 08:44

Does he normally swear at you in an abusive way? I can't really get past that. Not normal behaviour in a marriage, he sounds deeply unpleasant.

Your DD sounds great and, yes, I'd drive her whenever I could. Aren't there any jobs loser to home?

hettie · 19/05/2018 08:44

He wanted your daughter to turn down Oxbridge (I hope she didn't) and sweats and shouts at you? You're married to a misogynistic arse...Do you want to be?

Pythonesque · 19/05/2018 08:44

Why ever did he try to convince her not to take her university place??? Does he think there is something "better" she can do?? Well done to her work ethic and good luck to her.

Until I saw that comment I was just going to share what my parents did when I was already in my 20s, still living at home and in clinical placements at our local hospital. Public transport was two non-connecting buses, or walk-train-walk, compared with 10-15 minutes drive depending on traffic. My parents were very generous with lifts - and when I suggested I should get a bike they made it very clear that they were happy to keep driving me as there was no safe bike route.

Chickoletta · 19/05/2018 08:45

Sorry, have just read your previous post. I think you already know that you should LTB.

hildabaker · 19/05/2018 08:46

What a horrible man you're married to, OP. Your daughter sounds great. What are you going to do about him?

BlueSuffragette · 19/05/2018 08:47

Your 're issue is that your husband is a self-centred, rude and lazy arse. Your daughter by comparison is hard working, intelligent and resilient. She obviously doesn't get her work ethic off him. When she goes to uni and starts a new chapter in her life perhaps you should do the same. You deserve more than staying with a lazy sod who treats you and your children with such little respect. Life is too short. Move on just like your daughter to better things.

BlueSuffragette · 19/05/2018 08:49
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