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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is selfish or my daughter is lazy?

202 replies

brentlondon · 19/05/2018 08:17

DD is 18 and on a gap year before university, she works up to 40 hours a week to save for university and for trips. To be fair, the trips are partly educational and linked to her course. She’s got into the top university for her course.

Her work is a 20-25 minute each way drive from our house. We live in the countryside and neither of us can afford to buy her a car or the insurance on it or see point. To get to work she must walk 30-35 minutes to the railway station, a 30 minute train journey and then another 10 minute walk, then a 30 minute bus. So, all in all with allowing time for transfers and waits, her commute is roughly 2 hours each way if she is relying on herself. This also costs about 1/5 of her daily wage. She does this every week day she works.

On the weekends, or when we are free, I think it is fair for us to drive her the 25 minute journey to work. She can relax at home, sleep, go for a walk, save money (!) etc.

Husband disagrees, to him, that’s pampering her. He is currently sleeping once more as I have to go out and take DS to an appointment and get my hair cut. I asked him if he’d leave the house at 10:30am to drop her off. “No fuck off” was the reply, stating that he deserves a lie in and he has far too much to do today. Apparently he has lots to do in the greenhouse (whilst the garden overgrows). Cue lots of abuse and swearing at me.

Am I pampering her, considering she techincally is now an adult, or is he a selfish fuckwit?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 19/05/2018 09:35

I was once in your daughter’s situation. Listen to her when she says she won’t come home much. She means it.

BodgingThisMumThing · 19/05/2018 09:36

He sounds awful. I hope she gets a fabulous degree and doesn’t ever help him out when she’s a high flyer. She sounds incredibly hard working.

Tinkobell · 19/05/2018 09:36

What an arsehole. I can't believe you've got through all those years of marriage. Remember one day the DD gets to choose his nursing home 😂😂😂😂

rainingcatsanddog · 19/05/2018 09:38

I have 2 teens. One works a 10 minute walk away while the other lives a 25 minute drive away. (Public transport takes about 40 mins) The one who works nearby earns less but I suspect after transport costs, it's pretty even. The one who works further away has found a work colleague to drive him but pays petrol. Would your h accept that from his dd?
It's sad that he doesn't see the benefit of this time. He literally has a chance of hanging out and chatting for 25 minutes, something that can be rare for teens (so very cherished by me)

Graphista · 19/05/2018 09:39

Is he her stepfather or not op? You seem to be studiously avoiding this detail.

If you are the person who posted previously iirc there were jealousy issues, part of the reason for not wanting her to go to uni were financial, there was hints of financial abuse and other controlling behaviours and you were advised to leave him for the sake of the DC as she wasn't the only one being treated poorly. Apologies if this isn't you.

But it seems very similar.

Ok to live with - doesn't sound like it really.

Potplant2 · 19/05/2018 09:39

I feel so sad for your daughter, brentlondon. I too have a father who is jealous of my academic and career success and who always told me I was lazy and never praised me for anything I did. I left home as soon as I could and I almost never go back. He’s got worse not better as I’ve got older. My parents too used to belittle and laugh at me and call me lazy for not wanting to spend time with them, either by staying out or by going to my room.

I feel most sad, though, that instead of prioritising your lovely, hardworking daughter you’re just passively accepting that she hates the atmosphere at home and is counting the days until she can move out and doesn’t intend to come back if she can possibly help it. Why are you choosing this misogynist arse of a husband, who shouts and swears at you and abuses you, over your daughter? You do know that she will blame you as well and will not want to see you either?

The poor thing. She will know that no matter how hard she works or what she achieves her parents will never be proud of her because it will cause a big issue for her dad and then her mother will resent her for ‘making’ her dad behave in such obnoxious ways. No wonder she will run and not look back in September.

birdonawire1 · 19/05/2018 09:39

Your husband sounds charming.

Could you buy her a moped?

LearnFromThePast · 19/05/2018 09:40

I was also once in your daughter’s situation and I never went home again after I left. I still resent my mother for keeping me in that situation through my childhood.

If he thought it was too much of a time commitment that is fine. But you don’t shout and swear about it. Totally unacceptable. But from your other updates it sounds like he resents her and is jealous of her and punishing her for that, which is disgusting

Lifeofa · 19/05/2018 09:41

Maybe your DD is glad of the extra ice away from the house, it sounds like a very stressful atmosphere. I would certainly give her a lift when I could to support her. Are there any local Facebook groups she could ask for a liftshare on? Requests are quite common for our local group due to lack of public transport.

RandomMess · 19/05/2018 09:42

Sounds rather like my childhood, I only went to Uni to leave Home, I never went back and am now virtual NC with my parents...

The being criticised, no support, no lifts causing much embarrassment with my friends, the shouting, the atmosphere... I felt an unwanted inconvenience!

athingthateveryoneneeds · 19/05/2018 09:42

I was once in your daughter’s situation. Listen to her when she says she won’t come home much. She means it.

I made similar choices as a teen. I would say the chances are quite likely that she purposely chose this job with such a long commute in order to be out of the house as much as possible. I did the same sort of thing.

Original poster
brentlondon · 19/05/2018 09:43

He is her father, ee the man that gave her half of her DNA

OP posts:
Stickywhitelovepiss · 19/05/2018 09:44

What about a little moped?

Loonoon · 19/05/2018 09:44

I wouldn't do it regularly but once in a while would be ok. I don't blame your DH for prioritising a lie in today, after all he works too ( I assume)and is as entitled to enjoy weekends as anyone else. Perhaps he could pick her up,one day instead?

The swearing is another matter entirely I've been married 30 years and could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times DH has sworn at me -always in the heat of the moment. I would be much more concerned about that.

adaline · 19/05/2018 09:45

It sounds like you're picking your marriage over your daughter.

Be prepared for her to mean it when she says she won't come and visit. If I was in her shoes I'd be moving out ASAP and not coming back. She's living in an abusive environment with a father who thinks it's acceptable to shout and swear at her mother. And you've stayed because your vision of a middle class family is more important than your daughters health and happiness.

Shame on you.

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 09:48

I don't like your DD giving you ultimatums.

Why not. I wouldn't put up with living in this situation why should the OP's DD. She's absolutely right to make it clear she's not willing to put-up with it.

Missingstreetlife · 19/05/2018 09:48

Bicycle? Yes give her a lift

0hCrepe · 19/05/2018 09:49

He’s vile and unreasonable.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/05/2018 09:51

Me neither, Flowering, that's pretty awful too.

I think that OP has posted about her daughter's situation to deflect from how horrible her husband is because she knows that the default here is LTB and she doesn't want to and isn't going to - or she would have done so already.

By posting about her daughter's situation, posters can be free to call him names and saying how hard-working OP's daughter is - but not have any comments made about herself. That's not a slight on the OP, it's an indictment on the rabid, frothers on this thread. It's not possible to have any kind of reasoned discussion here because it boils down to LTB - always!

Potplant2 · 19/05/2018 09:52

I felt an unwanted inconvenience

YY to this. Anything I needed or wanted caused huge huffing and raising of eyebrows. If I was ever anything other than totally sunny and willing to support everyone around me, the same behaviour. I was supposed to do well at school, but if I did dad felt threatened by my success. There was no way to win. It was a deeply oppressive, and abusive, atmosphere to grow up in and has affected me all my adult life and I’ve had no real relationship with my parents since I left home. I’m now in early middle age, and my father is still trying to control me with money and threats. Unsuccessfully, but it’s wearing.

BigChocFrenzy · 19/05/2018 09:53

Good for your hard-working DD in looking to her future, despite a toxic "father"

Your DH is deliberately trying to sabotage your DD's future, because he doesn't want her to be more successful than he is
He wants her to be a dropout too, or she would show up his mistake in his own life

She realises he is a frenemy and so she will likely drop contact with him as soon as she no longer needs home, so as soon as she leaves uni and starts her career

If you keep helping her, she likely won't drop you as well.

Another issue is that your DH has no respect for you and is verbally aggressive, but OK your choice to put up with it.
Your DD probably won't, one minute longer than she needs to.

Since he has no time to help your DD, maybe you can decide you no longer have time to do anything for him, if you do so currently, e.g. cooking or laundry

bastardkitty · 19/05/2018 09:54

I certainly do feel that she dislikes him and she has told me she cannot wait to move out, and even delivered an ultimatum the other month that unless things change at home, then she cannot see herself coming home much in future.

Not sure if it's an ultimatum or a simple statement of fact. You are ignoring her and putting up with a horrible situation. I barely went 'home' after uni and am no contact now.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/05/2018 09:55

Why would she be coming home much once she has left. Her parents think it's perfectly acceptable for the Df to a
verbally abuse the DM, he refused to give her a lift, he tried to talk her out of going to uni. What exactly has he got going for him?

If she came on here and posted about her home life she would almost certainly be advised to go NC or very LC and not let any of her own DCs spend time with such toxic people.

Snewname · 19/05/2018 09:56

It wasn't an ultimatum - it was a statement of fact.
I don't blame her.

Snewname · 19/05/2018 09:58

Sorry bastard. I used the same words as you but hadn't read your post.
Great minds..

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