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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my husband is selfish or my daughter is lazy?

202 replies

brentlondon · 19/05/2018 08:17

DD is 18 and on a gap year before university, she works up to 40 hours a week to save for university and for trips. To be fair, the trips are partly educational and linked to her course. She’s got into the top university for her course.

Her work is a 20-25 minute each way drive from our house. We live in the countryside and neither of us can afford to buy her a car or the insurance on it or see point. To get to work she must walk 30-35 minutes to the railway station, a 30 minute train journey and then another 10 minute walk, then a 30 minute bus. So, all in all with allowing time for transfers and waits, her commute is roughly 2 hours each way if she is relying on herself. This also costs about 1/5 of her daily wage. She does this every week day she works.

On the weekends, or when we are free, I think it is fair for us to drive her the 25 minute journey to work. She can relax at home, sleep, go for a walk, save money (!) etc.

Husband disagrees, to him, that’s pampering her. He is currently sleeping once more as I have to go out and take DS to an appointment and get my hair cut. I asked him if he’d leave the house at 10:30am to drop her off. “No fuck off” was the reply, stating that he deserves a lie in and he has far too much to do today. Apparently he has lots to do in the greenhouse (whilst the garden overgrows). Cue lots of abuse and swearing at me.

Am I pampering her, considering she techincally is now an adult, or is he a selfish fuckwit?

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 20/05/2018 04:22

My DC got himself a part time job at 14 with a similar commute to your DD. Obviously driving himself wasn't an option for the first few years, so it was down to me (and occasionally DH) to drop him off and pick him up. A lot of his shifts finished at 10.30pm-11pm. Was I thrilled to do this? Not particularly. But it's what parents do for their kids. It never even occurred to me that we wouldn't drive him.

When he got his license, I couldn't wait to hand over the keys so that he could drive himself. If your/your husband's car is just sitting in the driveway unused at that time, then it's plain spite not to allow DD to use it for her commute to work.

Chottie · 20/05/2018 05:02

Your DH sounds horrid. My DP and I would collect and drive DD to the station everyday we could.

Do you challenge your DH when he swears at you?

SilverBirchTree · 20/05/2018 05:13

Jesus, are we just going to ignore the fact that OP is being verbally abused?

Whether your daughter gets a lift is a small issue compared to the way your husband speaks to you!!

What is wrong with him?!

Fflamingo · 20/05/2018 05:30

Poor you, you will probably not see much of DCs once they are old enough to leave home. Instead you will be stuck with miseryguts- is this what you want for your future?

ittakes2 · 20/05/2018 05:48

Your daughter sounds amazing - so committed to her job to do that sort of travel to get there. Lazy - just the opposite. I'm sorry I think your partner is in the wrong.
If I had the time I would be taking her every day - its not that different from a school run for some. She's 18 - he won't be giving lifts to her for much longer. He can lie in as long as he likes when she has moved out.

Somtamthai · 20/05/2018 07:09

Can you put your daughter on your car insurance?

A moped could help.

I don’t Think he is being fair. Yes driving 1 hour is a pain. However, it’s his family and she’s trying hard to work. I also think if parents choose to live remotely then they should help the kids somewhat.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/05/2018 07:24

Good grief, a four hour commute every day and that kind of atmosphere to come home to! No wonder she can’t wait to leave home.

Do you really think she’s lazy?

GabriellaMontez · 20/05/2018 07:39

And you share your life with this man because???

MrsMozart · 20/05/2018 07:41

He's a miserable arse on a number of counts.

Mrsmadevans · 20/05/2018 08:04

Your daughter sounds amazing. Your husband however Hmm.
Why are you putting up with him behaving like this OP?
Isn't he proud of her too and wants to help her in anyway he can?
He sounds really horrible to your daughter.l am not surprised she wants to leave.

doughnutbits · 20/05/2018 08:08

Incredible! It’s what Mum and Dad do for their children, isn’t it? We did it for ours and they now do it for their's.

Dickhead personified!

Gabilan · 20/05/2018 08:31

OP I hope you're OK. It can't be easy reading any of this. I think you started it perhaps hoping people would say "yes he's being selfish" but not realising how much further they would go.

But it really does sound as if there are fundamental problems within the relationship and honestly, I would wonder how much I wanted to even try to fix them. They don't sound resolvable because I think for things to get better your DH would have to make huge changes, and I doubt that would happen. I hope you and your daughter are OK, and as tough as this thread is to read, maybe it will be the catalyst to you making changes that allow you to be happy. And you are allowed to be happy.

userabcname · 20/05/2018 08:37

OP are you happy to spend your life with a verbally abusive, lazy DH and rarely see your DCs when they leave home? I wouldn't be! It worries me that you even had to ask if your daughter was being lazy when nothing could be further from the truth. I wonder what other nonsense your DH has you believing?

cushioncovers · 20/05/2018 08:40

Your daughter has a brilliant work ethic and your dh is being a dick. Without more information it's difficult to work out if he's lazy, mean spirited or jealous of your daughter. Whichever it is she will remember that he didn't help and that you did the best you could.

Could you get her a moped?

Dragongirl10 · 20/05/2018 09:06

Op firstly if l too am shocked you would let this horrible situation continue to the detriment of your DD.

Surely you can get a loan or manage a small cheap second hand car for her? I would find a way, if l had such a lovely child working so hard to make a great career for herself.

It is not her fault YOU chose to live in the countryside, she is trying to succeed against all the odds!

I lived as a teen in a very remote location, and had similar issues, the diferrence was my parents would give lifts willingly as much as they possibly could.
for my first job l had a moped, very cheap second hand, and then my parents upgraded their very old tiny car to another second hand one and offered the old one to my brother and l to share to get to his apprenticeship and my first job.

Without that we would have been stuck.

I feel truly sorry for your DD, her father is an abusive idiot, and her mother too weak to sort it out.

Here is a warning op

Sadly she will leave and not come back much if at all.

l still have a very close relationship with my now elderly parents, (now l look after them) as they always supported me as much as they possibly could within their often limited, means.
Now when they are what could be called a burden, l am happy to spend lots of time helping, and supporting them in many ways.

You are fast losing the opportunity of this with your own DD, plus she will always feel hurt and let down, rather than loved and cherished.
Do you really want this?

Please sort it out, and let your lovely girl know how proud you are of her.

mehhh · 20/05/2018 09:08

I would take her whenever you can possibly fit it in... that sounds hard bloody work for her! What a horrendous commute, I'm sure she'd be very grateful of the help!

Cobblersandhogwash · 20/05/2018 09:28

Your daughter is a grafter.

Your husband is a foul mouthed oik.

LoislovesStewie · 20/05/2018 09:34

There are lots of elderly people in residential homes wondering why their children don't visit. Having read about your husband I think it is obvious why children cut their parents out of their lives.

DrMumMum · 20/05/2018 09:35

There are a few sites online that can match you with lift sharers. Liftshare.com is a good one.

Your situation sounds so sad.

greenlynx · 20/05/2018 09:41

Your DD sounds amazing. I would happily give her any help she needs.
I also agree with everyone that she will move out and will never come back or will have very limited relationship with you. And no one will blame her for this.
Your DH sounds awful.

Sevendown · 20/05/2018 09:42

The main issue here is the domestic abuse perpetuated by your husband on you, your dd and ds

You are all suffering because of his unjustified behaviour.

Get out now.

If your 18yo can leave so can you.

DevilsDoorbell · 20/05/2018 09:47

I’m not surprised she can’t wait to leave. She sounds like she’s frustrated at how he talks to you and how you seemingly accept it.

Usernameunknown2 · 20/05/2018 09:52

I think you need to think about your relationship with this man.

Hes rude and abusive
Your daughter dislikes him to the extent she has said she will go lc and not visit.
Being OK is not an endorsement of any kind let alone a ringing one.

Lizzie48 · 20/05/2018 14:10

Your DD sounds lovely and how anyone could consider her lazy is beyond me. You're in danger of losing her altogether; she's already said as much. My DM put my abusive F ahead of us, she even told us that she loved him more than us. And now she can't understand why we didn't tell her he was abusing us.

I'm now very LC with my DM, as is DSis. (She's moved to the other end of the country to get away from her.) My F is long dead now and my DB is the only one she has regular contact with, and he has serious MH issues

Don't end up in her position. You still have the chance to put it right with your DD and have a good relationship with her. Just put this right by putting her first. You both need to be away from this man.

lhastingsmua · 20/05/2018 14:19

He sounds nasty

I would listen to your daughter carefully. Once she moves out and is away from your family dynamic, it will be very difficult for you to get her back. She will gain independence and have a life without the rudeness and constraints of him. Therefore it become easier and easier for her to distance herself from you completely as she will have a new, separate life where she’s happier. If visiting you will put her back in a shit place and make her wonder why she bothered, she will eventually just stop

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