To think my husband is selfish or my daughter is lazy?

[brentlondon]

DD is 18 and on a gap year before university, she works up to 40 hours a week to save for university and for trips. To be fair, the trips are partly educational and linked to her course. She’s got into the top university for her course.

Her work is a 20-25 minute each way drive from our house. We live in the countryside and neither of us can afford to buy her a car or the insurance on it or see point. To get to work she must walk 30-35 minutes to the railway station, a 30 minute train journey and then another 10 minute walk, then a 30 minute bus. So, all in all with allowing time for transfers and waits, her commute is roughly 2 hours each way if she is relying on herself. This also costs about 1/5 of her daily wage. She does this every week day she works.

On the weekends, or when we are free, I think it is fair for us to drive her the 25 minute journey to work. She can relax at home, sleep, go for a walk, save money (!) etc.

Husband disagrees, to him, that’s pampering her. He is currently sleeping once more as I have to go out and take DS to an appointment and get my hair cut. I asked him if he’d leave the house at 10:30am to drop her off. “No fuck off” was the reply, stating that he deserves a lie in and he has far too much to do today. Apparently he has lots to do in the greenhouse (whilst the garden overgrows). Cue lots of abuse and swearing at me.

Am I pampering her, considering she techincally is now an adult, or is he a selfish fuckwit?

He's selfish. However, could she cycle?

The pampered one here is your OH lying in bed and getting to spend the day at leisure while you ferry the DCs around.

As others have said your DH sounds awful and lazy. Does he work nights? Otherwise why is he the only one getting a lie in?

Your daughter isn't lazy.

Would your husband spend four hours of his day walking and getting public transport to work so he could support himself through a degree?

Could she cycle the entire way to work rather than try to get a bike on a train?

She will remember the way he treats you all in the future.

He doesn’t sound like he wants your daughter to succeed, in anything.

Couldn't your daughter at least bike to the station?

I don't necessarily agree with ferrying kids around-30mins walk to the train is OK, it's unfortunate that she then needs to get a bus after-but to not be up & about to leave the house at 10.30 seems odd to me-even at the weekend!

Your daughter sounds like a dedicated and hard working young woman. In your position I'd be offering lifts when feasible.
Your H on the other hand, does sound lazy and jealous of her.
He actually tried to persuade her out of a top university? Is his current "reluctance" to help occasionally with lifts part of the same thinking? Perhaps he feels if he's obstructive enough she'll give up on the whole idea.
What do you actually get out of this relationship op? Sure doesn't sound like much at all.

Your daughter i awesome.
You are a good mum.
Your husband is a selfish prick.

Id be buying her a cheap little run about car with both you and your DH on the insurance with her to bring her costs down. Could never leave my kid to do a 2hr commute each day

She's not lazy.

He sounds horrendous and she sounds fab - well done with her, now, just need to deal the cockwomble.

He sounds jealous of his own daughter and acts horrendously towards you. How is he with your DS?

If she learnt to drive could she be insured on the family car & use that at all?

I’m really shocked that he’d think it was in anyway lazy of her to get a lift. Helping me each other out in these small ways is what family do!

And what a hypocrite! It’s lazy of her to get a lift but him lying around in bed and then fiddling about on a hobby while neglecting house/garden to fine? What?

And swearing at you and treating you badly like that.

He’s abusive. And I do not say that often on MN.

Is this real?? The husband sounds beyond vile, it's incredibly hard to imagine why anyone would want to remain married to such a person.

What were his reasons for trying to talk her out of going to Oxbridge? That sounds insane.

Is your DH her Dad or stepdad? Either way he is an arse but just curious.

He's hideous.

Why couldn't he take DS and you take DD or won't he do anything for any of you?

And what will you do about it?

Does she drive? Perhaps she could take his car as he needs tot stay home and piss about in the greenhouse.
Your dd1 sounds great. I hope mine are that focussed and industrious.
He sounds selfish & awful

Does your husband care about any of you? Or is he just a selfish, nasty prick generally?

He sounds like a selfish shit. I would stop doing things for him if I was you.

YANBU

He sounds unkind. If it were you who needed a lift, would he oblige?

Your DD has a very good work ethic btw.

He sounds like an arse.

Our DD works a half hour walk from home 4 days a week and she never asks for a lift. But if DH or I are around on the odd occasion, we will offer to drive her.

The key is, if she doesn’t expect It then you aren’t really pandering to her. If she is willing to do that journey all the time, she’s not in the slightest bit lazy and taking her sometimes is just being kind to someone you love.

Have you posted about dh and dd before? The not wanting her to take a good uni place rings a bell.

He sounds a fucking knob actually! I hope he doesn't expect any favours from her? If so I'd be telling them both that is stopping in your shoes I wouldn't be doing him any favours either! - what's good for the goose!

She sounds bloody ace!

But if his attitude towards her continues as soon as she leaves home you're at serious risk of losing her.

He's a complete arsehole and I hope your daughter can see that (pretty impossible not to really) so she has a clear idea of what to avoid later in life.