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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my husband is selfish or my daughter is lazy?

202 replies

brentlondon · 19/05/2018 08:17

DD is 18 and on a gap year before university, she works up to 40 hours a week to save for university and for trips. To be fair, the trips are partly educational and linked to her course. She’s got into the top university for her course.

Her work is a 20-25 minute each way drive from our house. We live in the countryside and neither of us can afford to buy her a car or the insurance on it or see point. To get to work she must walk 30-35 minutes to the railway station, a 30 minute train journey and then another 10 minute walk, then a 30 minute bus. So, all in all with allowing time for transfers and waits, her commute is roughly 2 hours each way if she is relying on herself. This also costs about 1/5 of her daily wage. She does this every week day she works.

On the weekends, or when we are free, I think it is fair for us to drive her the 25 minute journey to work. She can relax at home, sleep, go for a walk, save money (!) etc.

Husband disagrees, to him, that’s pampering her. He is currently sleeping once more as I have to go out and take DS to an appointment and get my hair cut. I asked him if he’d leave the house at 10:30am to drop her off. “No fuck off” was the reply, stating that he deserves a lie in and he has far too much to do today. Apparently he has lots to do in the greenhouse (whilst the garden overgrows). Cue lots of abuse and swearing at me.

Am I pampering her, considering she techincally is now an adult, or is he a selfish fuckwit?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/05/2018 11:43

OP - read your post again.

How can you think you're happy when your child has such an awful distant relationship with her father?

Do you not worry that the distance will extend to you soon?

UpstartCrow · 19/05/2018 11:45

Do you have the means to help her if he kicks her out of the house before her course is finished?

happypoobum · 19/05/2018 11:47

Why are you choosing to live like this with a cunt of a husband who appears to be fairly useless?

Your poor DD. Is he as shitty to DS? Would he take DS to his appt if you took DD? Or does is equally dismissive of both his children?

You are enabling this behaviour. I can see what is wrong with him, he is a selfish git. What is wrong with you?

Scabbersley · 19/05/2018 11:49

Bless your dd. I'd be helping her whenever I could with that work ethic. You dh should be ashamed of himself. Its bloody hard being a teen in the countryside.

Scabbersley · 19/05/2018 11:50

Also I'd be doing everything I could to buy her a car.

Weezol · 19/05/2018 11:53

Your daughter is already telling you she won't be coming home from university much because of his behaviour.

She's making a choice. It's quite possible your son will reach a similar decision.

So, give it a few years and it will be just you and him in your almost middle class bubble. Infrequent contact with your adult children and any grandchildren. How does that feel?

MajesticWhine · 19/05/2018 11:54

It’s fair to give her a lift when you can. He is within his rights to say no if he disagrees. But abuse and swearing not ok.

GenderCritical · 19/05/2018 11:55

Buy her a Bike it should be an easy commute.

GenderCritical · 19/05/2018 12:03

This reply has been deleted

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bullyingadvice2017 · 19/05/2018 12:03

Take her with you and ds and never come back. What a dick, why is it even a thing that he speaks to you like that? Fuck that!

DoinItForTheKids · 19/05/2018 12:43

Oh sorry @bastardkitty (distracted by the wedding)! Yes, but without a saddle, I'm with you there! Grin

Gabilan · 19/05/2018 13:04

Buy her a Bike it should be an easy commute

A half hour drive on country roads is unlikely to be an easy commute by bike. It could be 10+ miles each way, giving her a total mileage of 100+miles a week which whilst quite do-able is not "easy" especially if the area is hilly. I do think it's worth investigating a cheap folding bike however, to make connections with public transport easier (and get round train regs re. standard push bikes).

I cycle a lot on rural roads. I've been cycling for 40 years and am pretty experienced. I'd be wary of sending out an 18 year old on rural roads unless they've also had the chance to build up some road craft. You have to be able to compensate for drivers' shit judgement and gross entitlement.

Tinkobell · 19/05/2018 13:39

Read your thread OP to my DH and DD 17. TBH we can't believe that guys like your DH exist. He's shameless.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/05/2018 13:45

Wow.

Your H is a pig.

Think I'd be buying a big ole pot of laxatives and putting one in his coffee every time he used such foul language at me.

Wonder how much you'll see of your DD and her family when she has one.

DoinItForTheKids · 19/05/2018 13:46

Rural roads are bloody dangerous on bikes horses and motorbikes.

When looking at the title of your thread OP, how in God's name can you even for one second posit that your DD is lazy?! Presumably this is the cumulative effect of your beloved husband deriding you and her and DS probably too I wouldn't wonder, such that you actually entertain the idea that your DD might be lazy!!!!

What, after she's got herself into Oxbridge and is eating 4 hours of very difficult commuting to do a job that will benefit her in her chosen area of work? Why do you even need to ask the question?

LemonysSnicket · 19/05/2018 13:53

Of course it’s fair for you to drive her. She is not lazy at all she seems like she’s pushing herself very hard!
To put it into perspective with that level of commute I could live in South Yorkshire and work in London.

emmyrose2000 · 19/05/2018 15:18

Your DD sounds like the kind of child any parent should be proud to have.

OTOH, your husband is utterly vile and I'd be ashamed and embarrassed to be married to someone like that.

chavtasticfirebanger · 19/05/2018 15:23

I think your daughter sounds exceptional OP and you should do anything you can to encourage her.
I want my kids to look back and know that I had their back every step of the way. My dad was like that, all because he'd failed in his own life. He sabotaged two scholarships, one to music college and one to private school, because he was jealous. I am no contact now. Have her back OP.

Foxysoxy10 · 19/05/2018 15:38

I typed out a long reply saying how you shouldn’t put up with being spoken to like that and you will end up loosing your DD, etc etc

Then realised it was probably a waste of breath, you seem savvy enough to know he is unkind and a bully but seem happy to live like that, even with the threat of loosing the relationships with your DC which is just incredibly sad.

So really all I have to say is I feel incredibly sorry for you. I hope one day you realise your (and your DC’s) worth.

43percentburnt · 19/05/2018 15:40

Assuming she can drive why not insure her on his car. He isn’t using it if he is in bed and tinkering in his greenhouse. Bet he’s got a reason why he won’t do that.

Hope she repays the favour when he’s too old to drive and stuck in the countryside.

43percentburnt · 19/05/2018 15:42

Maybe her drive and determination to succeed is due to not wanting to ever rely on a man like her father.

sprinklesandsauce · 19/05/2018 15:54

Your H is selfish and lazy and your DD is neither. She sounds highly motivated to travel to work like that.

Has she asked on Facebook etc if anyone travels that way, she might find a lift and could pay them.

Your DD is an adult yes, but adults do help other adults tell him! He’s a lazy twat.

Snowysky20009 · 19/05/2018 16:05

I would rather be a single parent than be in a marriage like this.

Your daughter has basically told you she won't be home. She's slowing you now how unhappy she is by distancing herself.

You will end up with the daughter who moves away and you will see once or twice a year if you are lucky.

drinkingwinefeelingfine · 19/05/2018 17:56

Why are you choosing your horrible husband over your daughter? Do you want to never see her in future? She's already told you she plans to lessen contact. Believe her.

Contrabassista · 19/05/2018 18:06

Your daughter has clearly told you that she will be glad to leave home and stay away. From the sounds of things I can’t say I blame her. You asked if she was lazy in your initial post. That speaks volumes. You’re not keeping up any middle class ideal- you’re letting your husband treat your daughter badly. Again, why was he trying to talk her out of her Oxbridge place? That sounds deeply flawed to me. Can you blame her for not wanting to come back when her father does that and her mother goes all Hyacinth Bouquet and wants to keep up with the Jones’ at her expense?