To think my husband is selfish or my daughter is lazy?

[brentlondon]

DD is 18 and on a gap year before university, she works up to 40 hours a week to save for university and for trips. To be fair, the trips are partly educational and linked to her course. She’s got into the top university for her course.

Her work is a 20-25 minute each way drive from our house. We live in the countryside and neither of us can afford to buy her a car or the insurance on it or see point. To get to work she must walk 30-35 minutes to the railway station, a 30 minute train journey and then another 10 minute walk, then a 30 minute bus. So, all in all with allowing time for transfers and waits, her commute is roughly 2 hours each way if she is relying on herself. This also costs about 1/5 of her daily wage. She does this every week day she works.

On the weekends, or when we are free, I think it is fair for us to drive her the 25 minute journey to work. She can relax at home, sleep, go for a walk, save money (!) etc.

Husband disagrees, to him, that’s pampering her. He is currently sleeping once more as I have to go out and take DS to an appointment and get my hair cut. I asked him if he’d leave the house at 10:30am to drop her off. “No fuck off” was the reply, stating that he deserves a lie in and he has far too much to do today. Apparently he has lots to do in the greenhouse (whilst the garden overgrows). Cue lots of abuse and swearing at me.

Am I pampering her, considering she techincally is now an adult, or is he a selfish fuckwit?

Your husband is a horribly abusive man to both you and your daughter (and possibly your son too?)
You sound like a good mum and your daughter sounds absolutely amazing. There aren't many 18 year olds that dedicated.
Your dd is doing absolutely NOTHING wrong.

Why would he tell her toter down her uni place? Can you get her a little moped maybe? And then seriously tell OH to do one. Either he changes that god awful attitude or fucks off.

Why do your husband and you accept it is normal and ok for him to "shout abuse and start swearing at you"?

To turn not toter.

He sounds like a real charmer.

your dd sounds absolutely fantastic and i'd support her in any way i could, so i would definitely be giving her a lift.

i would be questioning my relationship with dh though if i were you...

Really, why do you accept this is your lot?

If my H shouted abuse and swore at me over a disagreement, I absolutely and 100% would not live with him.

He’s a definite tosser

Your daughter sounds like a hard working, determined young woman, who has clearly (and still is!) working her socks off. She has done amazingly well. Your husband should be so proud of her. The way he is treating her is awful! Has this had any effect on her? I think you know the answer to this post OP .

Meant to say, thank goodness she has you supporting her @brentlondon. X

A four hour daily commute is insane. I would buy her a car if at all possible (the crazy first year of insurance has to be paid at some point anyway), if not I'd ferry her whenever I could.

Most importantly I'd ditch the husband, he sounds vile. Is he threatened by DD's success? I can't fathom how any loving father or husband would act this way.

he sounds really really awful

She sounds absolutely lovely

"Our DD works a half hour walk from home 4 days a week and she never asks for a lift. "

You wouldn't expect her to for that though, would you?

Swearing at me is completely normalised now, and I know it’s not okay but that’s a seperate issue

No its part of the main issue. You are in an abusive relationship.

I'm not taking his side, but I think this thread has been biased by the way the OP was presented and interpreted.

It's not true that he could spare her a two-hour commute with 25 minutes of his time.

Realistically, the car journey is roughly a one-hour commitment. The round trip is 40-50 minutes of actual travelling for him.

When considering whether it's reasonable to drive someone somewhere, one way to look at it is the total person-hours of travelling in the the different options. If she travels on public transport, it's 2 hours for her. If he takes her there and drives back home, it's about 1.5.

There's only a 25% saving of person-hours from his taking her, whereas the way the problem was presented it might have felt like 75%, to the casual reader.

There's only a 25% saving of person-hours from his taking her, whereas the way the problem was presented it might have felt like 75%, to the casual reader

But it might also save her some money and is a nice thing to do because it saves her some time.

Just to clarify, the reason the cost of him driving her is 1.5 is because it's 1 hour for him and 0.5 for her.

Awful of your husband. Families generally help each other out because they love each other.

But it might also save her some money and is a nice thing to do because it saves her some time.

Yes, I agree it's a nice thing to do to give someone money or time. But saying that is not the same as saying it's selfish not to.

He's a selfish tosser, your daughter sounds like a real grafter.

It would be nice for him to drive her. But the thread's view that he is selfish for not doing so is based on a wrong perception/calculation of the collective cost and benefits, I think.

Thank you for all the kind messages, and concern. Please don't roast me, but otherwise he is an OK man to live with and together we are fairly happy. I guess in a way I'm trying to keep up the "middle class ideal", where in reality it's nothing of the sort.

I certainly do feel that she dislikes him and she has told me she cannot wait to move out, and even delivered an ultimatum the other month that unless things change at home, then she cannot see herself coming home much in future. She does also try and spend as little time at home as she can when she's off, which we interpret as her only wanting lifts, but I suppose in truth I can see why...

He probably does feel threatened by our children's success as almost all of his family have taken the route that ours chose/choosing which is oxbridge or medical school. He on the other hand dropped out of boarding school and took a while to settle down.

Cue lots of abuse and swearing at me.

I feel sad for you living with a man like this. I bet your daughter can't wait to go to uni. Her father is more than selfish.

Good post, Firesuit.

Whether the job relates to uni studies or not, having one closer to home would surely cut down costs and time for the daughter?

OP - the swearing is something else but you've said it's 'normalised' and your husband's lack of will to do favours is par for the course. Why then would you expect him to give lifts today when this is not a usual thing?

If it's so important to you then build it into your schedule - or perhaps your daughter could look into getting a car with a little help from you?

It's nice to be nice but when somebody isn't, there's no point expecting it because you'll always be disappointed. How can you help your daughter practically? I won't comment on your marriage because I don't know anything about it; you do and you're still in it.

I don't like your DD giving you ultimatums.