Already know AIBU about baby sleeping

[Murane]

DH took the baby (3 months old) to give me two hours break. I'm exhausted because he sleeps about 6 hours at night and only has a couple of 20 minute naps during the day, and it's full-on exhausting trying to entertain him for 18 hours a day. I figured I'd have two hours sleep while DH wore him out, and then when I got him back he'd be tired, and DH would finally understand how exhausting it is looking after him.

He went to sleep
So now I've got him back and not only is he wide awake, DH has absolutely no idea how hard it is looking after him. And I've wasted my chance of having him looked after on a period when he was asleep and didn't need looking after anyway. I could have just had him myself, he'd have been asleep and DH could have had him on a different two hours when he actually needs looking after.

I have literally cried my eyes out. I know it isn't DH's fault that the baby went to sleep. But I was desperate for him to understand how ill and exhausted I feel, and he doesn't. And I was desperate for the baby to be sleepy when I got him back, but instead he's full of beans. Now DH thinks he's had "his turn" at babysitting and I won't get those two hours back.

I have a 4 month old who also only sleeps 3 hours at a time (on a good night!) and doesn't seem to nap during the day. I've realised that she's sleeping while I'm feeding her though (also breastfed), is this something your lo might be doing?

Safe co-sleeping is my saviour! She starts off in her crib but comes in with me during the second feed and that is often her longest sleep!

Your sound like you're expecting a lot of yourself - make easy dinners, don't iron, take the baby on the dog walk. You've had these suggestions from others but have shut a lot of them down. In the kindest way I think you need to see your doctor as you sound very down.

It is the toughest job but you might benefit from medication if you don't find happiness in some of it.

6 hours a night with an hour in between isn’t enough sleep for you or him, babies sleep something like 16 hours a day? My DS didn’t but he had reflux. Your husband sounds useless and that’s the real issue.

It's bloody hard @Murane. I'd suggest trying before 2-2.5 hours. More like an hour. Split your day into activities to help him sleep. Do whatever I most likely to get success. With ds1 I went for a drive every day. Usually tied it in with something else but if I had nothing to I still drive. Also a walk. It just gets the sleep habit started. Also bouncy chair with dummy. Bounce bounce bounce

Sounds like a good first start with the nap today. It takes a little while to see changes so give it a few more days and hopefully you'll see improvements. I agree - your partner can walk baby in the pram this weekend whilst you chill out a bit x

Try for the nap earlier, 1.5 hours is really the longest a 3mo can stay awake before becoming over tired. An hour is great though,my ds only had 20-30 minute naps until he was 6months.
I suggest one day at the weekend your DH takes the baby downstairs / in another room, you stay in bed and he brings to you for feeds only.
Have you tried expressing so you can get away for a while?

I have a nearly 5 month old- so this is pretty recent in my memory (let’s not mention the 4 month sleep regression...)

I too have a challenging baby. Lovely, but challenging. Won’t settle in crib for daytime naps. Won’t take a dummy. BF and won’t take a bottle (not long to weaning now though). Won’t sleep in swing or bouncy chair. Hates the pram bassinet with a passion! Tolerates the car seat on the travel system up to a point.

What works for us- I know it’s been said upthread- babywearing. If she won’t settle to play anywhere she gets put in that and I do my chores. Has a whinge sometimes but then falls asleep after watching me clean the bathroom, chop veg etc. Likes to see what’s going on, not be stuck in a pram.

Lots of noise/activity/stimulation sends her to sleep in the day. Feeding to sleep (gives me chance to rest too). White noise/deep sleep sounds loud on the phone. When she stirs midway through a nap I put the noise against her ear and she drops back off again. Music and noise. Being in the car and the radio being on. Being taken on a walk. PPs suggested lying baby down in crib in a darkened room for naps, DD HATES this and will scream. It doesn’t work for all babies.

I also worried about how much sleep DD had in a 24 hr period- so I recorded it on a baby tracker and it came in at 12-13 hrs. Was also useful for seeing how long she’s been awake. Just stopped doing it as her multiple nights wakings were too much work without remembering to track it as well.

Also, is baby napping when your OH takes over in the evening? Might be why you’re only getting 6 hrs in the night. DH takes DD until 7pm when we start bedtime but we limit her nap then to 45 mins if she needs one.

But anyway- my sympathies. It’s not easy. And all this “I had a routine and baby slept through from 3 weeks, that’s all you need to do to get baby to sleep through” is nonsense. All babies are different. We had a routine from 5 weeks and DD is a million miles off sleeping through.

Baby finally went to sleep last night and slept for 5hrs. I fed him then spent the next 6hrs trying to make him go back to sleep! When he sleeps he does decent chunks of sleep, the problem is getting him to go to sleep in the first place.

Going out today to buy a sling and a bouncy chair. I have a chair but it rocks rather than bounces and it's already getting too small despite being labelled 0-6mths.

My main problem is simply exhaustion. DH is out three nights a week so I'm on my own. And the two nights he comes home I have a choice between continuing to hold the baby while he cooks, or giving him the baby while I cook. So either way I don't get a break. That's why I'm so desperate for baby to sleep, because it's the only time I get a break. The bit of time I get off at the weekend doesn't compensate for being on duty 24/7 for 5 days a week.

It is utterly shattering @Murane. Something else we found useful was batch cooking - over the weekend we made a huge job lot of dishes like curry, bolognaise, stew etc and froze them in individual portions - this meant dinner was literally bung it in the microwave for 5 minutes and done. Or order takeaway at least once a week! So whatever you have to to get any rest you can. Almost anything besides feeding the baby can be done by someone else or not done at all frankly. But none of these SOLVE the problem, it just allows you to cope a bit more.

And it will be over one day. You are right in the middle of it right now so it seems endless, but you will survive and it will get easier!

Ps re sling, really good idea to go to a sling library and try a few out before buying. I spent £50 on a Moby wrap my baby HATED - I think she felt too enclosed by it, and I found it a colossal faff to get on. But other women get Baby Bjorns as a matter of course and find the straps dig in or whatever. Have a few tries and see what works... If baby likes to be held there will be a sling that works for him, but it may not be the first one you try/buy and I'd hate for you to try one and get dispirited if it doesn't work (when you have a tricky baby you feel like you're endlessly trying things out that work for other people and it is so galling when they don't seem to be working out for you!)

He cries if I put him down or if he's being ignored. I'm not allowed to watch tv or read or do anything remotely entertaining. I have to talk and sing to him, show him toys, lift him up and shout wheee! Over and over again

Yeah, of course he cries when you stop doing the manic pixie entertainer routine that you have going constantly. He's 12 weeks old, you need to stop being his full time entertainer.

And wtf is your dp thinking of that he's done his "babysitting" now?

Miggeldy don’t be mean, she’s on her knees. OP, whatever happens and whatever you do, THIS WILL END. You are doing amazingly, keep going. It sounds like he’s better already, 5 hours straight. And that’s day 1. Try to remember the wins not the loses.

Do consider leaving for a few seconds and minutes, longer each time, to help him learn to self settle. The cry can drive a knife through your heart but if you respond immediately every time he will of course get used to that and demand that response. Very slowly, very gently, lengthen your reaction times, a few extra seconds and minutes each time. Slowly slowly he will get used to it.

You are doing wonderfully, just by keeping going. Remember that. We have all been there and we know just what a killer it is. Sending you loads of love and luck.

Do you have an older child OP? I thought I'd seen that in other posts.
Sling + cooking works a treat (of course be careful what you cook etc) :)

I can guarantee you that at that age your baby doesn't give a shit about being entertained. It'd be entertained watching shadows move across a wall, or its own feet.

I felt like I had to entertain PFB constantly and wore myself out. My 2nd born is going to watch a LOT of boxsets with me while their DBro is at nursery!

How is that mean? It's called being helpful, try it.

@murane tonight my OH took the baby and wore her in our ergo360 baby carrier while he cooked and I napped. It was a large initial outlay for a more structured carrier that he felt comfortable wearing but my gosh is it paying off now! They sell them in John Lewis, presumably you could go and try it with baby if you have a John Lewis near you.

Hi again OP. The five hour strrtch does sound better. Definitely start naps way earlier than you'd imagine. I'd say the same for bedtime also.

Can you talk to us about how and where your baby actually sleeps? Is there any chance the room and clothing is too cool? While of course overheating is a risk factor for SIDS, being chilly can wake the baby. Do you use a sleeping bag to ensure the covers aren't slipping off and allowing the baby become cold? If it's quite light in your room, could your try pitch-dark with black out blinds? Conversely if you're already very dark, maybe a small night light? Someone above mentioned white noise; I've never used it but definitely worth a try if the baby keeps waking with street noises as you mentioned before.

What do you do when the baby wakes in the night? Do you keep the lights off and keep the baby in the sleeping bag? If not, try doing so.

Would you consider a dummy?

Sorry for all the questions. I hope I'm not pressuring you but just to see if there is practical advice that might help.

But you are right that it's not good for you to feel so exhausted. And that you can do something to encourage more sleep. And you are doubt well so far. Keep it up. It will take a few days for new habits to kick in for your baby. Please remain consistent and prioritise sleep above all else for the next week or so.

Best wishes.

I can guarantee you that at that age your baby doesn't give a shit about being entertained. It'd be entertained watching shadows move across a wall, or its own feet.
Not the case for my baby. If he's ignored he cries. Doesn't matter if I put him in his chair or cot, or even if I hold him. He wants to be talked to and entertained constantly. I don't feel like I have to entertain him constantly - exactly the opposite, I don't want to! I'd love him to just sit there quietly and be entertained by his own feet, but he won't.

A baby carrier will only help while I'm pottering round doing housework which is only a few hours per day. How do I make him sit quietly (or sleep) while I watch tv!!

Have you seen a GP, for baby and maybe you to make sure alls OK? This sounds quite odd.
What do you 'sit' him in - do you mean a bouncer or such like presumably? As he is only 3months...
Babies that age pretty much feed-sleep-repeat. Crying will be because wants to be held/fed/changed and variants of that. Not 'lack of entertainment'.
How does your older child feature in that?
Check with a GP that everything is fine.

@Murane ignore people like Miggeldy. They've only had normal babies and have no idea what it's like to have a baby that needs and demands so much more. Unfortunately until they have such a baby or develop some compassion, they never will understand either. No-one runs themselves ragged on zero sleep for shits and giggles.

Op, I had a high needs baby and I remember what you describe. I couldn’t put her down for the first 9 months. All she wanted was interaction, she was totally bored being a baby because she wanted to engage with the world.

I remember the tedium and exhaustion well.

IT WILL PASS. I
Promise it will get better.
Looking back I breast fed for too long, And if she had not been the eldest she could not have got all that time from me, so maybe I should have been less responsive to her?
But these high needs babies grow up to be so amazing. She constantly blows me away by how engaged with life she is, how much she wants to do, how she takes an interest in everything.

Your baby only has 6 and a half hours sleep per 24 hours. You think you are tired, your baby must be exhausted. Probably cries when put down because of overtiredness. 3 month olds don't need so much stimulation and entertaining. It will all be far too much. 3 month olds are supposed to sleep lots. Like 4 naps a day of 30-45mins minimum. Plus like 10hrs at night (broken up by feeds). You will find everything so much easier if you get your baby to sleep more! Feed, white noise, dummy, dark, cuddles, you need to find what works for you and dc.

He cries the second I put him down in his cot. Occasionally he will sit in his rocker for about 10 mins before he starts to cry, other times he cries immediately. Even if I hold him, after 10 mins or so he cries if I'm sitting still and not moving around or giving him something to look at. I have to hold him and talk or sing, or show him toys or music videos on the iPad, or else he cries. It's mentally exhausting and I don't want to do it. I just want him to sit quietly (and ideally sleep) while I watch the telly.

Have you tried local baby groups or places with baby sensory rooms? Just to keep you going during the day and keep baby entertained. Unfortunately I haven’t got any other advice than baby groups for entertainment and to invest in a sling if baby insists on being held all the time. My son was rather happy to sit in his bouncer, play with a toy and watch tv between feeds and bum changes. Although when it came to napping the only place he’d take good 30mins - 1hr naps was on my chest and on rare occasions in his bouncer, he didn’t have day time naps in a proper bed until he was like 4/5 months old when we moved house and it was a hard to transition from chest to bed.

DH is out three nights a week

is this with work? If it is then you need to have a chat about ways he can support you more. Can he reduce his workload or take over completely on the other evenings. Why don't you eat by yourself before he is home so that you can leave him to it when he gets in? If it's not work then tell him to sort it out. He's away two nights a week anyway so he should be there supporting you for the other 5.

A baby carrier will only help while I'm pottering round doing housework which is only a few hours per day.

Do you really do housework for a few hours every day? Surely that can't be necessary. Is there an older child or just you, DH (who is never there) and a tiny baby? if the latter how much mess can you really make that requires a few hours housework a day.

Also can't you batch cook and/or stock up on things that dont require much prep. You sound like you are not making things easy for yourself. While your DS is going through this phase do yourself a favour and don't expect a meal cooked from scratch every day or an immaculate house everyday.

Lastly while I dont agree with using congrolled crying or sleep training at this age sometimes it's just impossible not to leave your baby to cry while you are gettkng something done. If you need to cook take the pram or a bouncer into the kitchen, strap baby in safely and cook. if he cried he cries. Some babies cry more than others but no baby goes through life without soemtimes crying. He can see you and knows you are there and you will have given him love and affection for the vast majority of the day.