Already know AIBU about baby sleeping

[Murane]

DH took the baby (3 months old) to give me two hours break. I'm exhausted because he sleeps about 6 hours at night and only has a couple of 20 minute naps during the day, and it's full-on exhausting trying to entertain him for 18 hours a day. I figured I'd have two hours sleep while DH wore him out, and then when I got him back he'd be tired, and DH would finally understand how exhausting it is looking after him.

He went to sleep
So now I've got him back and not only is he wide awake, DH has absolutely no idea how hard it is looking after him. And I've wasted my chance of having him looked after on a period when he was asleep and didn't need looking after anyway. I could have just had him myself, he'd have been asleep and DH could have had him on a different two hours when he actually needs looking after.

I have literally cried my eyes out. I know it isn't DH's fault that the baby went to sleep. But I was desperate for him to understand how ill and exhausted I feel, and he doesn't. And I was desperate for the baby to be sleepy when I got him back, but instead he's full of beans. Now DH thinks he's had "his turn" at babysitting and I won't get those two hours back.

I also second the suggestion above that baby is over tired. At that age they need help to be able to go to sleep either rocking or feeding or walked in the pram to help them shut off. Look up suggested awake times for a 3 month old, he should probably be needing a nap every 2 hours. SO frustrating when you know they need a nap but don't seem to want to sleep!!

I do sympathise with the situation - except the night bit as I’m really jealous of six hours sleep, even broken up. We have a few weeks yet until our’s is three months though so this has given me hope!

Hope you get some rest soon

Also OP just ignore some of the more judgmental sounding posts on here. Every baby is different and you know your baby best. Some people have a really easy ride with their newborns, others don’t. I think those who found it easy just don’t get how hard it can be.

Ahhhh OP.

Ignore those posters who had text book babies. I had one. The first time. The second was a complete different kettle of fish.

He hated being anywhere but in my arms. That included the pram.

He hated not being talked to or breastfed or enthusiastically cuddled.

He had 2 x 20 min naps a day. And was up evwry 2 or 3 hours until being 6 months.

The only thing that kept me sane (and dp was working away all week at the time) was on a sunday I did the early morning feed and dp brought him downstairs for a couple of hours. I also used to have a nap on a saturday afternoon and ds 'watched' football with his dad.

Just knowing I could bank a few hours extra sleep on a weekend got me through the week.

What I wish I had done with hindsight is go for an afternoon nap. Am sure ds would have fallen asleep in my bed at the side of me being bf. Obviously observing safe co sleeping guide lines. I don't know why the fuck I didnt do it and wish someone had said it was fine to so this.

So tomorrow afternoon, at his usual nap oclock go to bed with him. Get it dark and cosy, lay on your side and fees him to sleep. And have a nan nap your self.

Even if he doesn't go straight away and whinges stay there for an hour. He will soon learn that it's kip oclock.

What does help him sleep? My first had to be moving or on me to sleep. So she slept every single nap either in a wrap or we went for a walk or a drive. I did that for every nap and made sure she was getting at least an hour to an hour and a half per nap. At 3 months they should still be having at least 3 hours a day of an hour each time and then more than 6 hours at night. I truly did anything to get those daytime naps in (driving around for an hour, etc.). It made the rest of the day so much easier and then they don’t need much entertaining. My 2nd is 3 months and I do show him some toys and read to him like once a day, but otherwise he lays on the floor or in the bouncy chair and watches me cook or do work, etc.

My first was like this. I felt broken from lack of sleep. Husband did everything he could but worked long hours plus commute so simply wasn't there for most of it. It will get better I promise. I might get slated but cbeebies, baby TV anything that keeps them entertained long enough for you to have a breather is good! Baby swimming was the only thing that meant mine slept for an hour afterwards!

Does baby not like the sling/carrier? Can u not walk the dog during the day with baby with you? Have you looked up at the 4th trimester - explains why baby doesn't want to be away from you much... Maybe consider co-sleeping and only changing the nappy if really necessary (at night I mean).

I second baby swimming!

My first baby was a little bit like this. I learnt to look for tired cues like rubbing eyes and yawning. I was always told they were tired about every 2 hours so after he has been awake that long I would make my priority getting him to sleep. Personally I would rock or take for a pram walk but whatever suits you.

when he gets home at 8pm he holds the baby till about 9.30pm so I can walk the dog and cook and have a shower. Then I breastfeed and we go to bed about 10.30pm.

Can the dog be walked by him or you with the baby in the pram/sling? Can you batch cook or even better he batch cook at the weekend? That way you can go to bed when he gets in a get a bit of sleep then.

Sounds like a really tired baby. If you’re doing all those things during the day of course he’s not going to nap!
And of course you’re allowed to do all those things you mentioned, he’s a baby. He’s not going to punish you. Let him moan somewhere where he can fall asleep while you do the dishes and ironing and then things. Most 3 month olds I know will nap for a few hours a day.

Seconding the bouncer/swing. I've got twins and I didn't have this problem, you know why? Because you can't constantly entertain or hold TWO babies to the extent you're doing it with one. So it's tough shit babies! I got two bouncers, which I swapped with swings when they got bored of those and then before you know it they're rolling around on a play mat and you don't need the swings anymore.

I totally get the frustration of missing out on the break that a nap gives you! My DD is 1 and I’m still gutted if she sleeps the whole time DH has her out but wakes as soon as they get home. I might have just had a full hour of complete peace but if I was expecting longer it’s so disappointing!

My DD was quite a difficult baby and hated to be put down. If I needed a break and she seemed tired I’d just sit in front of the tv and breastfeed. Even if she hadn’t seemed to want a feed she’d accept it and usually drift straight off in my arms. I’d be stuck there as there’d be no way she’d let me put her down, but I didn’t mind as I got a rest and she got a decent nap as long as I’d remembered to go for a wee first. Far better than the days when I stressed about creating a rod for my own back and getting her to nap in her cot.

It gets easier once they are sitting up and getting on the move. DD will sit happily entertaining herself for ages now. She goes down for naps in her pram no bother and is just starting to go happily down in her cot at night after co sleeping from 4 months, and we are down to just one feed a night. It’s so hard at the time but it does get better and you will sleep again!

The problem with what babies "should" do is that some of us had babies who didn't get that memo! Op ignore the people who were blessed with nice compliant babies, those of us who got the rebels hear you. It's shit but it doesn't last forever. You're knackered and everything is worse when you're knackered. My first was exactly the same as your baby. She hated me and ran me ragged but she was perfection personified for daddy. It'd make you spit! But I'm lucky because daddy has always shared the load as much as possible.

I was the same as you, I thought I couldn't put her down or ignore her for even a second and it just became a self-fulfilling cycle of stress and misery. I hated the baby stage with her. Try to break it if you can. If you can go out go out, if you can find other mums to socialise with try it because being stuck with it all day every day isn't good for either of you. And daddy has to share the load. He's not "babysitting" he's being a parent just like you are.

It will get better, hang in there.

At 3 months old mine hated being in her bouncy chair or swing seat so I had her in a sling loads. Definitely worth trying. I used a poddle pod in the living room for naps as she wouldnt settle in her cot, and found it really good. I went out for loads of walks with the pram and listened to music or audiobooks at the same time to help me relax.

Im terrible without sleep too, but your body seems to adjust to it eventually and it gets a little easier.

My baby wasn't easy at that age. She would only nap on me. If I dared put her down all hell broke loose. I also had pnd which was exacerbated by crying.

I understand what you are going through. Now the obvious questions - do you have a sling? Will baby sleep in that?

I found that because she would only sleep on me that I would hold her and watch box sets. It was boring but I got a bit of peace and my brain could concentrate on something.

I also understand what it's like to be on your own a lot because my husband didn't really do much as he was avoiding me because I was so sad. It was difficult.

But it DOES get better.

For the babY sleep try www.sleepnannies
For the husband try Relate

Op, 6 hours sleep isn’t enough for me either, and it certainly wasn’t enough when the dc were babies. Some baby’s need more entertaining than others, the pp saying you are over stimulating your baby, don’t know what your baby does if you leave them lying on a mat looking at a shadow for a while (cry probably).
I get why you are annoyed that your baby slept for 2 hours for your dh and then was wid awake when they came back home, but I think you need to be really honest with your dh about how tough you are finding life at the moment and get him to step up a bit. Does he know how Ill and exhausted you feel? You might need to spell it out to him how you need to step up when he is there. Failing that, if he isn’t around that much, can you afford to get some paid help with the baby? Will you be going back to work, could baby start early in your chosen childcare for a session or two a week to give you some time to recover?
Do you have friends in real life with Babies of a similar age that you meet up with? It might make you feel less bored to be going through this with people in a similar situation. If you don’t know anyone can you find some local groups or classes to go to so you can meet some?

Oh, and I spent so much time worrying that she wasn’t getting enough sleep. The sleep times that good old google brings up were waaay more than DD ever got and I was so worried for her. Not all babies are the same though and she obviously just didn’t need it. She’s healthy, happy and developing really well. I recommend the gentle sleep book by Sarah ockwell-smith if that’s something you’re worrying about. It really put my mind at ease and helped me chill out, and we all slept better after that

Saying that, my baby is 10 months old now and she still doesn't go through but is HUGELY better than she was. It's only now I can look back and think how absolutely awful it was, when at one point, my husband woke up to me crying my heart out over my baby in her Moses and saying 'I hate my life, I hate my life'.

You're doing a good job. Don't forget it.

A few things -

• you need to get DH to parent your DS more in general. Assign him a few regular nights or days in which he leads the parenting and you can do whatever else you like

• 6 hours at 3 months isn't bad at all

• address why your baby is only sleeping in one cycle naps. Is he overtired? Not tired enough when being put down? Etc (I know this isn't easy, takes ages to get a baby in to a routine and then they change it all again)

My eldest only had two 20 minutes naps a day. It nearly killed me. He also woke 2 hourly for feeds overnight. He had a cow’s milk protein allergy (didn’t know at the time) and severe reflux so that contributed. He hated being put down. It’s exhausting.

Agree though why don’t you take the dog out with baby in the pram?

When your husband comes home at 8pm you should go to bed straight away so you can get another hour or so if sleep in before you need to bf again. Could you express some so he could give the occasional bottle so you get an even longer stretch in the evening on your own? Walk the dog with baby in sling beforehand and get husband to do some batch cooking / but some ready meals or stir fries so u don't need to cook.

The baby sounds over tired and possibly over stimulated. 3mo don't usually need much entertaining.
3mo can usually only stay awake for 1.5hrs at a time so try scheduling some naps and put the baby in it's cot for naps with the curtains drawn, a full belly and a fresh nappy.
Could DH not walk the dog with baby in a sling? Batch cook 7 meals on a Sunday.
Do you have a good vibrating bouncy chair or swing? I used to put ds in bouncy chair in bathroom while I showered in the morning.
It does get easier and less boring, and by the time they're toddlers you're wishing they were immobile babies again

My second baby is 4 months, i have a toddler too. I am bloody knackered and that's with my baby sleeping through!

I'm breastfeeding and have a bottle refuser... me-time for me atm is hubby taking the toddler so I've just got my actually delightful baby instead of trying to entertain the toddler too!

Make sure hubby regularly takes the baby, esp when he's off. Book a nail appt, watch a film, meet a friend for lunch... whatever your me-time is do it! But after 4 months I think it gets easier, esp at 6 months when weaning and sitting in a high chair is a great way to entertain them... until they learn to crawl!

You do need more sleep though.. I used to go to bed early on to get a few hours and leave baby with dh. Then on a morning dh would get up with baby until he had to leave for work... could that work? Hubby then still getting a solid 7 hours (10-5 maybe? )

Oh and unless there's a poo or it's leaking, don't bother changing nappy at night time.