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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Already know AIBU about baby sleeping

203 replies

Murane · 17/05/2018 18:52

DH took the baby (3 months old) to give me two hours break. I'm exhausted because he sleeps about 6 hours at night and only has a couple of 20 minute naps during the day, and it's full-on exhausting trying to entertain him for 18 hours a day. I figured I'd have two hours sleep while DH wore him out, and then when I got him back he'd be tired, and DH would finally understand how exhausting it is looking after him.

He went to sleep
So now I've got him back and not only is he wide awake, DH has absolutely no idea how hard it is looking after him. And I've wasted my chance of having him looked after on a period when he was asleep and didn't need looking after anyway. I could have just had him myself, he'd have been asleep and DH could have had him on a different two hours when he actually needs looking after.

I have literally cried my eyes out. I know it isn't DH's fault that the baby went to sleep. But I was desperate for him to understand how ill and exhausted I feel, and he doesn't. And I was desperate for the baby to be sleepy when I got him back, but instead he's full of beans. Now DH thinks he's had "his turn" at babysitting and I won't get those two hours back.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 17/05/2018 19:37

sorry i've just read your update. I think he is crying when you put him down because he is overtired.

3littlemonkeys82 · 17/05/2018 19:38

Saying this as nicely as I can...
You need to STOP!
He doesn't need constantly entertaining at 3 months old. Put him down, put him in a bouncy chair and have a rest, read a book, watch tv.
You're making this harder for yourself.

Steeley113 · 17/05/2018 19:39

He definitely sounds overtired. I would be too! Stick him in a sling or pram and go for a walk. Your baby needs sleep, they shouldn’t be awake more then an hour and a half really at that age, that includes feeding time.

Sparrowlegs248 · 17/05/2018 19:40

When are these 6 hours? Do you mean 6 hours after you go to bed?

Invest in things to keep him entertained, swinging chair, bouncer. Go for a walk with him in a sling or pram . Go for a drive.

Get your husband to do his share. I didn't and now we're separated. It has a huge impact on your relationship.

oblada · 17/05/2018 19:41

Have you tried to feed and watch TV at the same time? Have you tried to feed lying down at night? Do you need to change him at night? I rarely changed nappies overnight (unless required of course). Have you tried a sling/baby carrier?

Kittykat93 · 17/05/2018 19:44

Your dh needs to be helping out more definitely. I have a six month old and used to feel like I always had to be playing with him but now I don't feel bad about sticking him in a swingy chair or jumparoo and letting him entertain himself. Sleep deprivation is also bloody horrible so I sympathise with that.

Original poster
Murane · 17/05/2018 19:46

If you're that exhausted why isn't your DH taking over completely when he gets in so you can sleep?
He does.. when he gets home at 8pm he holds the baby till about 9.30pm so I can walk the dog and cook and have a shower. Then I breastfeed and we go to bed about 10.30pm. DH sleeps as he has to get up at 6-7am and be bright for work. I handle night waking as I breastfeed so DH can't do it anyway. At least two nights per week DH doesn't come home at all because of work.

OP posts:
FlyingDandelionSeed · 17/05/2018 19:48

My three month old went through a phase of being deeply bored and whining unless constantly entertained (lasted until she could sit up and play for herself) so they aren't all easy at that age.

And Im pretty sure I remember a similar feelings when frustrated and exhausted. It makes 'little things' like this become the end of the world. And it was hard that even my very good DP really didn't get what it was like for me.

Yanbu, op. I promise, it will get better.

HellenaHandbasket · 17/05/2018 19:48

Why did he 'give' him back? Surely he just keeps hold of him?

Why are you changing him in the night?

Waitingonasmiley42 · 17/05/2018 19:51

Sorry to say because it won't make you feel any better but that is still a good sleeping pattern for breastfed 3 month old. Completely understand feeling ill and exhausted but your body will adjust eventually. It is horrific at first though!

At the weekend, or his day off, ask your husband to take baby out for a few hours after you feed him. Then you relax and sleep!

SecretStash · 17/05/2018 19:52

Hellena 3 month old babies need changing in the night, poos or flooding. Older babies are much better at going the whole night without needing to be changed.

SecretStash · 17/05/2018 19:52

That’s a bloody excellent sleeping pattern for a three month old.

Let no one mention the 4 month sleep regression.....

serenmoon · 17/05/2018 19:57

I think baby is probably overtired, I saw a massive improvement in daytime naps once I realized that I needed to do quiet time and put down to sleep every 2hrs. I have twins and haven't had more than a 2 hr block of sleep at night since they were born (they're almost 9 months now) so I totally get the exhaustion. If you can really concentrated on getting good daytime naps then at least you can have some time in the day.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 17/05/2018 19:58

Two blocks of three hours is really not very much...

Pitapotamus · 17/05/2018 19:59

I completely understand what you mean, you’ve got a high needs baby who won’t be put down during the day without crying unless you’re interacting with him. I have had one like that and two that will sit in bouncy chairs for hours at a time quietly watching the world go by. Unless people have experienced the high needs baby they won’t actually believe how difficult it can be! I survived by basically putting him in a sling and doing squats in front of something I wanted to watch on tv and going for walks.

I also understand what you mean by “wasting” your rest time because the baby slept when your DH had him!! You feel like you want the help when the baby is being particularly difficult for two hours and then have him back when he does a 2 hour nap!

No advice other than to say I understand how you feel and how difficult it is. And also, there is nothing wrong with letting him cry in his cot while you have a shower / get something done for yourself if you need to!

scrivette · 17/05/2018 19:59

I agree he sounds over tired and over stimulated.

Does he like his pram? Can you put him in it and go for a walk with him during the day and take the dog too? He might sleep, you should feel better getting some fresh airman's the dog will be happy!

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 17/05/2018 19:59

Didn't breastfeed, but mine were sleeping way more than that at 3 months, and I can quite see why two blocs of 3 hours each isn't enough for you!

Does he usually sleep for DH? I agree he's probably overtired. 7 hours of 24 isn't nearly enough for a small baby. It's less than a lot of adults need ffs.

userabcname · 17/05/2018 20:00

OP - have you got a bouncy chair? Preferably one with a vibration setting? I used to put DS in that, vibration on and then bounce him to sleep. It was the only way I could put him down! Also I think your DH needs to do more at night. He can deal with a couple of broken nights a week and still function at work FGS. At least 2 nights he should do the changing / settling and you just bf OR express / use formula and he can do the feeds too. I do not believe that just because someone works they need all the sleep while the one looking after the baby survives on nothing. It's ridiculous and dangerous. Also breastfeeding is physically draining- make sure you are eating and drinking plenty.

Pitapotamus · 17/05/2018 20:00

PS: I also agree with all the posters suggesting overtiredness. I’ve found with all of mine that the more they sleep the better able they are to entertain themselves, even my two easy babies got needy if they were overtired.

Wait4nothing · 17/05/2018 20:01

Does your partner work 5 Days a week? From a young age me and dh decided we each needed me time at the weekend. So one day we do jobs (taking it in turns to sort baby) and something together as a family (might just be a nice dog walk) and the other we split and each have a few hours to do as we wish. When she was tiny I’d often have a bath then nap. Now I sometime do a hobby or meet a friend and he usually chooses to play 9 holes of golf. Means we both have down time when we feel human that isn’t linked to work or the baby.
I’d also question why your making tea and walking the dog in the hour and a half you get off a day (unless you enjoy it?). Go for super easy teas (filled pasta and ready made sauce ect) that whoever is sorting baby cooks and try and walk dog during the day - will help with the boredom too! If dog doesn’t like buggy (ours never did) could you try a sling - dd used to love hers - great for napping and we could do dog walks on rougher terrain and a good workout for you carrying and walking!
It must be so hard when dp works long hours and your breastfeeding but try to be kind to yourself. You don’t need to entertain all day long.

Cakeandcustard123 · 17/05/2018 20:02

OP that sounds really tough going. I found I was at my most tired around the 3 month mark - it was as though all the adrenaline from those early days has gone and I was suddenly running on empty. Sometimes I didn't want a rest as much as I wanted to just do something that didn't involve holding the baby. It would infuriate me when my husband would help by doing the washing up or doing the ironing because I wanted to do those things whilst HE held the baby Blush I think some of the previous posters are being really unfair. Some babies are much harder work than others. If you've had a baby that will happily sit in their bouncer and watch the tv for a while then great but it isn't so easy for everyone. Also, some people just need more sleep than others. I could manage on 6 or 7 hours quite happily but my husband needs a solid 8 to function ha. Have you tried a baby carrier? Can be a godsend so you can wash up or just make yourself a cup of tea without balancing a baby in one arm! Some days being a parent is mind numbingly shit and frustrating, especially when you're tired. I know you know this But when you're at breaking point sometimes it helps to hear it - you're doing a good job and it DOES get better x

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 17/05/2018 20:02

I don't think you can diagnose overstimulation on the OP's posts. And it's just piling on the guilt that she's doing something wrong, which she isn't.

OP, if your DH isn't coming home until 8pm and sometime stays away overnight you are getting very little break from the baby. No wonder you are exhausted. He needs to do a lot more at the weekend and, if possible, get home from work earlier.

Dermymc · 17/05/2018 20:03

He isn't sleeping enough. Poor thing is over tired and exhausted.

At that age it's pretty much wake up, feed, look cute for 10mins and back to sleep.

chocolatesun · 17/05/2018 20:05

OP I feel for you. Looking after a small baby is hard and exhausting. Using a sling helped me so much when my baby was that age. She loved being close to me and often slept in it. Other times she was just calm in the sling and I could get on with odd bits around the house. No need to entertain when she was in the sling. I treated daytime feeds as a time to put my feet up and get super comfortable, or I would breastfeed lying down which was restful (even if I couldn’t sleep like that). It was still hard but doing this did make it easier. Hang in there!

SilverBirchTree · 17/05/2018 20:08

Your husband sounds useless. He needs to step up.

I recommend hiring a sleep consultant for the baby, what you’re dealing with isn’t normal.