Already know AIBU about baby sleeping

[Murane]

DH took the baby (3 months old) to give me two hours break. I'm exhausted because he sleeps about 6 hours at night and only has a couple of 20 minute naps during the day, and it's full-on exhausting trying to entertain him for 18 hours a day. I figured I'd have two hours sleep while DH wore him out, and then when I got him back he'd be tired, and DH would finally understand how exhausting it is looking after him.

He went to sleep
So now I've got him back and not only is he wide awake, DH has absolutely no idea how hard it is looking after him. And I've wasted my chance of having him looked after on a period when he was asleep and didn't need looking after anyway. I could have just had him myself, he'd have been asleep and DH could have had him on a different two hours when he actually needs looking after.

I have literally cried my eyes out. I know it isn't DH's fault that the baby went to sleep. But I was desperate for him to understand how ill and exhausted I feel, and he doesn't. And I was desperate for the baby to be sleepy when I got him back, but instead he's full of beans. Now DH thinks he's had "his turn" at babysitting and I won't get those two hours back.

That’s a bloody excellent sleeping pattern for a three month old.
6hrs at night and 40mins during the day is excellent? I thought they were supposed to sleep 16 hours a day?

Does he like his pram? Can you put him in it and go for a walk with him during the day and take the dog too?
I do. It gives my brain a rest for half an hour. Still leaves a lot of the day though!

OP - have you got a bouncy chair?
He'll sit in the chair for max 20mins while I iron or whatever, then he cries to be picked up.

Also I think your DH needs to do more at night.
He's pointed out (correctly) that he can't feed. I'm actually considering stopping bf so I can have a night off.

Does your partner work 5 Days a week?
He works 5 days till 7-8pm. Two nights he comes home, two nights he goes to his company's other office, and one night he goes to the pub quiz. I'm annoyed about the quiz but don't see how taking away his weekly 3hr break will really help overall.

Does he know how Ill and exhausted you feel?
Yes but there's not much he can do, he has to go to work to pay the mortgage.

Do you have any other family support nearby?

If your baby will take a bottle you could potentially have a night off without giving up breastfeeding altogether. Pump enough milk for the night (or give formula).
Go into spare room, stay at friends, hotel. Take pump with you as your boobs will be sore by 5am, pump and go back to sleep for a few hours. One night won't kill your supply.

Have you tried mum&baby cinema and yoga? I loved them when ds was that age, you can't do them once they're mobile really.

It's not enough? Who for him or you?

6hrs at night and 40mins during the day is excellent? I thought they were supposed to sleep 16 hours a day?

Dtds slept all the time (like the books said) but they were prem and easy babies despite being 2 of them. Sleeping in 3 hour blocks is amazing for some babies though. Dd1 really didn't sleep. We took turns to pace the floor with her (Colic and reflux). I felt permanently sick.

At night we started alternating so I would bf then dh would get up if dd woke before 4 hours was up. This was at about 5 months old though. 3 month olds I was walking for over a hour a day pushing her in her pram to ensure she slept. The more a baby sleeps in the day the better they sleep at night (it goes against your gut but actually works until toddler age when too much daytime sleep means less at night).

Some babies are hard but it gets easier. If dh was so good he can make it a regular thing.

Oh lovely, this sounds so tough.
You sound quite close minded to a few suggestions so it might be worth revisiting them at some point because lots of things are possible.

First of all I would try and tweak your evenings. If your dh is used to having baby in the evenings then use that time to sleep. Dog can be walked in the day and food can be had at different times. A week on ready meals whilst you get some sleep won't hurt.

Secondly I'd add in a few more dog walks in the day. Maybe 2 or 3 half an hour walks with baby in the sling. Fresh air is amazing for both of you and if baby is happy being in the sling on walks it might help them get to sleep too.

Do you sling at home? have you tried bfing whilst in the sling?

baby could be overstimulated but I think it's hard to tell from what you've said. I think for you it might be finding a range of things that are playful and then calming so your trying to encourage sleep times even if they don't happen.

Sounds like you're doing a wonderful job x

There is a lot he can do - I exclusively breastfeed both of mine but DH still helped in the nights and mornings if he was awake

He is not stepping ip

I would say if he's fed and doesn't need a bum change to persevere with bouncy chair. When he cries, talk to him for a bit before taking him out or stop and sit on the floor talking until he stops then get up again. Is he full on crying or grizzling? If its a little grizzle dont feel like you have to get him out immediately.
If I need to do something like cook dinner for my other child or shower etc I put little baby bum on Netflix which he likes or I play white noise. Have you tried laying him on a playmat? I also attach pram toys on the bouncy chair he likes to grab them.
If he sleeps in his cot 3 hours at night it might be worth maybe trying to recreate that in the day time, get some back out blinds and a baby monitor and recreate your bedtime routine in the day. It might work!

Could you try leaving DH for a night with a couple of bottles of expressed milk, or formula? That way you could try and get at least one decent nights sleep?

It is fucking hard work

I have found the sling, a long walk in pram and white noise helped. Sitting on a medicine ball with LO and bouncing (gently!) up and down made rocking to sleep a little less wearing. I have a bad sleeper too, it’s a running joke at the nursery. I know you say there doesn’t seem to be much good in asking him to not go to the pub quiz, but I know for me it’d feel like his life has hardly changed when mine has drastically. In fact that’s exactly how I felt!

Have only read pages 1 and 4, so apologies if this has been suggested- but musical toys may help during the day? I’ve got a plastic cow-themed ball thing that plays music and lights up, and a teddy that lights up and plays soothing music. Both are popular with my 15 week old who now fusses more when not given constant attention.

I’ve also resorted to letting baby nap in my arms, if you can spare the time and sit around on your phone or whatever? It’s a habit I need to start breaking, but it means some naps are 2hs (he wakes, feeds a little and goes straight back to sleep) rather than the 20-30 mins they are otherwise.

Good luck OP, it’ll get better :)

I totally feel your pain. Sleep deprivation is a torture. In the kindest way, you aren’t helping yourself. Your baby is knackered, you are knackered, it’s a heady mix but you can do things to help. I’d highly recommend some sleep training. Babies that age need well over 12 hours sleep in a 24 hours period, it’s no wonder he’s knackered. And chronically knackered babies ironically don’t sleep well. Bite the bullet. Get tough. He doesn’t need feeding every two hours through the night at that age. He can go 11-7 if he’s a normal weight healthy 3 month old. He just needs teaching that you won’t go and cuddle him every time he whimpers. Night is night. Day is play.

Put aside a couple of weeks, get yourself into a proper routine. Get partner to help. Get some decent sleep training advice. Be strong, the end result really justifies the means.

This saved us. It can be tough to hear your baby cry even for a short time but i promise it is very short lived and your baby will be so much happier and healthier. My kids still sleep 12 hours a night each at 6 and 8. They love their beds. It was the best parenting thing we ever did.

With my first one DH would help for night feed by bringing her to me, changing her in needed etc. Can your DH not hep? Or consider Co sleeping. That's what I did with baby 2 and 3, had a lot more sleep that way!!
Seriously though look up on 4th trimester, pop baby in a sling and see how that goes! Baby doesn't need to be entertained at that age, just to be held/fed/cuddled. Yes it's boring but once you get the hang of it it gets better :)

If he is really oh sleeping 3 two hour stretches at night and 2 twenty minute naps then he us massively over tired. Conversely an over tired baby won't sleep well .

You mention ironing, dog walking and cooking while your husband has the baby. I think you need a huge rethink of day to day life. Sod the ironing. I haven't ironed in about 3 yrs. (Single mum to a 2.10 and 15 month old) if your husbands work clothes need ironing one of you do them at the weekend while the other has the baby.

Simplify meals so you can cook before he gets home. Walk the dog with the baby before he gets home. Then when he takes the baby you can shower/sleep/relax. I know this us easy for me to say, I did none of it and my husband didn't help one bit.

Think about putting all your energy into establishing good sleep for your baby. He needs as much help as he can get, the more he sleeps the more he will sleep if that makes sense . Do whatever you can. I can't remember the usual awake times for that age but it's mot long. Maybe an hour. Start trying to get him to sleep before he's liking shattered by whatever means possible (bf, pram, sling, drive in car) I have had a non sleeper. It's rotten.

Does he have a dummy? My first didn't. My se mind did. Game changer!

Sleeping training at 3 months??? Oh my God come on! It's a tiny baby, not yet adjusted to the world! Not to mention sleeping training can be hugely detrimental (and is a lot of bs anyway).

Of course you need to look after yourself but before resorting to things like this try the sling and co-sleeping. Certainly worth a try!

I had a baby who was a shit sleeper, only napped for 10min stints and refused to be put down. She did have silent reflux and a milk allergy though. she didn't want to be entertained - just held upright all day and night, often while crying. It's fucking exhausting, you have my sympathy. I felt the same about dh and even visitors! I felt hard done by if dd was in a less screamy mood when they were around. I remember feeling really happy during a particularly screamy car journey with my in-laws who had always gone on about what a good baby dd was. Rational thought goes out the window when you're knackered. Eat biscuits and get your dh to help as much as he can when he's home.

Yes sleep training at 3 months. If you are happy waking every hour of the night then knock yourself out but it kills some of us and is not good for baby - they need to sleep! 3 months of no sleep is too long, poor OP needs some help and I’m telling her what worked for us. It was an absolute blessing and within a couple of weeks we had a baby sleeping 13-14 hours at night plus one one hour nap and one three hour nap. Poor thing was Barely awake the next year or two. She had be chronically, painfully, horrifically tired and just needed teaching that it was ok to sleep, she needed to sleep, we were coming back, she was safe and fine in her cot, all was well. She learned really quickly and my god reaped the benefits.

All sleeps in cot. Bedtime 7-8pm, not staying up all evening. No proper get up before 7am. It’s quite simple but no one does it these days and then wonder why everyone is shattered.

*had been

Curious - co-sleeping/bf has worked with me, not saying it works for everyone but it is definitely worth a try before inflicting 'self training' on an infant when there is a body of research which goes to show how detrimental it can be. Again not saying that sometimes things don't need to be done to ensure mum's sanity is preserved but there are other routes to explore first!

Where is your body of research?

My body of research is right here typing.

Can you drive/do you have a car? Even my sleep fighting 1st child would sleep in the car.

Mate 6 hours and a couple of catnaps is nothing for a 3 month old baby. People are focusing on the 6 hour number (not that your baby even sleeps 6 hours on the trot) but my kids were sleeping about 12 hours a day (waking every 90minutes, staggered, so v little sleep for me but plenty for them) and to 4 or 5 40min-1hr naps a day on top of that. Your having to jolly him along with playing and distraction sounds like he is absolutely knackered and cranky and you're just managing to distract him from his tiredness. I've not read the whole thread, so maybe this has been covered, but

• get the book "Teach Your Child To Sleep" by the Millpond clinic. That has good info on how much sleep children of various ages need, and ways to get them to sleep more.
• try to get him doing some longer naps. Some babies like to nap on you, some will nap in a moving pram or in the car. Some absolute stars will sleep in their cots - and if he doesn't, try adding white noise (you can get apps) and blacking out the windows (damp tinfoil will do it). DD2 napped like that, it had to be pitch black.
• get him a Binky - one of those little soft toys that is basically a cloth with a teddy bear face. Stick it down your jumper so it smells like you, and then put it in his cot with him.

Seriously I know where you are, my DD2 was like this, constantly wanting stimulation and on the edge of crying, never wanting to be left alone. Then I put her down for a nap in a fully darkened room and she slept for 2 hours straight. I still remember, it was the August bank holiday of 2012. It changed our lives when she started napping properly, she was a different kid, so much happier and more content.

@Curiousaboutchoices I think sleep training means different things to different people.
I think what you're talking about is naps in cot at certain times depending on age, a proper bedtime, keep things dark and quiet at night (no unnecessary feeds, nappy changes or talking) and consider it night between 7pm&7pm? Which to me is common sense.

Sleep training to most people means controlled crying etc which is not recommended with such a young baby.

A 3 .month old needs teaching you won't go and cuddle him if he cries? Wtaf?

I read the baby whisperer when ds1 was about that age and while I didn't follow the routines as such, what it made me realise was that every time he cried didn't necessarily mean that he was hungry!
I had no experience of babies and had no idea!!
The book told me about spotting signs of tiredness, eye rubbing, head turning and the key thing was yawns. Yawn 1 - time to get going to their bed, yawn 2 - get a move on, yawn 3 - you're getting close to missing the boat. GET THEM TO BED!
Much to my amazement it worked and our day suddenly took on much more structure and we both got lots more sleep. It honestly was a game changer.