Already know AIBU about baby sleeping

[Murane]

DH took the baby (3 months old) to give me two hours break. I'm exhausted because he sleeps about 6 hours at night and only has a couple of 20 minute naps during the day, and it's full-on exhausting trying to entertain him for 18 hours a day. I figured I'd have two hours sleep while DH wore him out, and then when I got him back he'd be tired, and DH would finally understand how exhausting it is looking after him.

He went to sleep
So now I've got him back and not only is he wide awake, DH has absolutely no idea how hard it is looking after him. And I've wasted my chance of having him looked after on a period when he was asleep and didn't need looking after anyway. I could have just had him myself, he'd have been asleep and DH could have had him on a different two hours when he actually needs looking after.

I have literally cried my eyes out. I know it isn't DH's fault that the baby went to sleep. But I was desperate for him to understand how ill and exhausted I feel, and he doesn't. And I was desperate for the baby to be sleepy when I got him back, but instead he's full of beans. Now DH thinks he's had "his turn" at babysitting and I won't get those two hours back.

Curious - are you serious? Anecdotal evidence? Well then smoking is fine as my great granddad smoked and drank and died v old! Smacking kids is fine too as my parents are upstanding citizens who have done very well in life! Drinking and smoking in pregnancy not an issue as my grandma was fond of both and my dad is a very healthy and successful man! Giving cow milk instead of formula or breastmilk is OK as my mum survived.. Ffs! It's too late for me to put links up but it's easy enough to research...

Kaytee, I mean both I think. Number 1 got the routine straight off and was a model sleeper with no effort. Number two had the same routine but didn’t get it so we taught her. Yes there were some tears because she didn’t know she wanted desperately to sleep, she thought she needed another cuddle. She didn’t, she needed sleep, proper long on your own in your cot sleep that doesn’t get disturbed when mummy moves. So I think it is sleep training? I don’t care what it’s called to be honest, it just works.

We were gentle, never shouted, explained everything (I know it’s young but they start to get language a long time before we think they do) and we did the going back in at regular intervals etc and made them gradually longer. It wasn’t torture, it was magic. And my daughter is the sweetest kindest little girl you can imagine, so it really hasn’t done any damage. Quite the opposite, like a previous poster she turned from an angry, screamy, shouty baby into a content, gurgling happy little baby, almost overnight. It took work and guts and a great deal of commitment but I was on the edge of reason and was determined. I’m from a medical family so i was very happy she would come to no harm physically or emotionally. And indeed she didn’t.

Oh come on, anecdotal?! Don’t be silly. Smoking has medical evidence. It’s common sense that hitting someone is wrong. Sleep is bloody vital to health, some babies just don’t get it, and need a gentle parent to teach them the ways of the world. Show me the evidence and I’ll show my daughter and a very happy mum.

I co-slept with my bf DD, because quite frankly, I wanted her to know that I would cuddle her every time she needed me to and it was easier than getting out of bed. She has slept through since 4 months old, and is now in her own room at 2.5 with no issues.

3 months old don’t need sleep training like cry it out or controlled crying, increased cortisol levels can cause issues later in life with anxiety and anger. But he probably does need a schedule. We did the EASY schedule, Eat Activity Sleep You time. Every 90 minutes-2hrs we would put her down for a nap and it’s a 3hr schedule. It gets longer as they get older.

Sleep begets sleep, and he probably slept for 2hrs with your DH because your DH wasn’t constantly trying to entertain him.

Curious I have never sleep trained... ds1 is now 2 and since 12 months has slept a solid 12 hours... before that he woke once or twice and was fee on demand
.. it's normal!! Ds2 has been q dream... at 4 months goes down at 7 and that's him until around 5am... it's luck of the draw!

Did you breastfeed your baby? It is terrible advice to suggest a breastfeeding mother not feed at all during the night when her baby is so young, not just for the baby who at 3 months waking 3 hourly is normal but it is not good for milk supply.

Op needs advice on how to cope with her baby's needs and how to maximise sleep, sleep training such a young baby is not advised at all. Yes it worked for you and that's your choice but it really isn't unusual for a very young baby to wake every 3 hours and suggesting that it is doesn't help anyone who is struggling.

Curious I agree with you. A decent sleep routine is important for everyone. Also babies don't learn to self settle until around 3 months so they will be whingy whilst they learn. If they get picked up the second they cry or never get put down they won't ever be able to settle themselves. I'm not saying ignore them but give it a couple of mins. I used to put my hand on his chest or stroke his face rather than get him out of the cot straight away, but now he doesn't need that and sleeps from 8pm-5.30am then back down until 7.30-8am and he's also 3 months

A baby that is picked up and comforted WILL learn to self settle. My non sleeping baby was bf on demand through the day and night and never left to cry. He slept through at 15 months but was sleeping good stretches with short feeds before that. The few people I know who sleep trained their similar aged babies are all still having issues with their almost 3 year olds.

It is ok to let him cry for a bit.

It is ok to not be constantly stimulating him.

It is ok to put him in front of the tv to get stuff done or so you can nap.

He is not sleeping enough, you need to leave him alone to allow him to learn to self settle.

Please be kind to yourself. Go to bed, re-read this thread when not so tired. You sound incredibly down. You do need to take on board what people are saying or you will run yourself into the ground quite needlessly.

Op, sorry you’re feeling so exhausted.

I have a 3 month old too and some days are so hard. From what you have said though, That is no where near enough sleep! I think you may be stuck in a cycle of your baby being overtired and grumpy.

I know it may seem counterproductive, but could you try starting a bedtime routine much earlier and 7ish. You may find you have an evening back and some time to yourself.

I was so worried when we started this that dd wouldn’t sleep, but she has slept so much better!! Sleep begets sleep.

I know it’s cliche mn advice but have you tried a sling?

My 2 lived in my back pretty much. They weren’t being stimulated by me so they would often sleep but they were still on me so weren’t unsettled. Plus, you can get all your chores done.

Well both my kids slept through from 2 months and 3 months by using a routine. Eldest now 6 and never had any problems, goes to bed at 7pm and gets up at 7am. The only parents I know with kids that don't sleep are the ones with no routine, no set bedtime and the ones that let their toddlers/small children get into their bed. You don't need to leave them to cry. A routine for me is naps at the same time every day so he knows, bed at same time, dream feed at same time. If he woke I would use white noise, stroke his face or put my hand on his chest so he knows I'm there. Also I don't talk or put the lights on at night, they need to know it's night. Day naps are harder but I really think op should give black out blinds and a baby monitor a go, he might then start having some decent naps. Even parenting sites say to start laying them down awake at the 1st sign of tiredness from this age so they can start self settling.

Absolutely agree with @Curiousaboutchoices
Teaching my dds to sleep was also the best thing I ever did.

Okay, I've had two normal babies and one that didn't understand that tired=sleep til she was over 2. Omg. I don't remember large sections of that time.

Right - the very first thing. If you need 10 minutes to yourself because it is driving you up the wall, put the baby somewhere safe and you can walk away. The baby will not spontaneously explode (might try and convince you otherwise with the noise but hey).

Secondly, how often are you taking your baby out? More fresh air has always tired out our whole family. You make it sound like 30min a day, I reckon you can up that to a few hours. Bonus of exercise for you?

Thirdly - the bouncy chair. These things are miracles of invention. I and the babies wore out 3 of the £10 jobbies until I caved in and bought a mega sturdy one from Bjorn for £90(!). It's on it's third child now though. What you do is - not just sitting baby in it and leaving them in it to watch you but - you bounce them. With your feet (all mine are weird buggers who like hard bouncing, be warned). And you sing at them til they give in and fall asleep. This can take up to 20min for a fractious, overtired baby and they can wail a lot but they neeeeed the sleep.

So I guess the last thing is you need to be aware of what your baby looks like when it is knackered. Mine all have under the eye baggies that get larger and larger and then develope a little dimple between the bag and the cheek at peak 'baby needs sleep stage'. Babies don't know they should have a nap. You need to intervene and force them to sleep - the bouncer, loooooong pram rides, sling maybe, singing, feeding them asleep.

Good luck. It seems horrible now, but baby stage really doesn't last forever.

My lg is 8.months now and still bf When i think back to 3 months, i remember it being so hard. I think theres a growth/developmental leap .

No one told me about naps. How long 'awake times' should be or how long naps should be. I was winging it and exhausted.

I too have considered giving up bf due to night feeds. However on reflection, i know i wouldn't get oh up to feed her as he has to work the morning. It would then make it harder for me waiting on bottles cooling etc so I've resisted.

I honestly think the problem was nap routines. Now thats sorted, things are allot better with set nap tines.

A sling also helped, especially with naps. Do you have one.
? If not I'll happily send you my spare one if you pm me your address. Its a stretchy wrap. Really good for them cuddling into you :)

Also if you have an email i can send you info on nap times etc. I truly wish i had read it from the start, its helped us out loads .

Night feeds are so important when bf due to hormones and helps keep your supply up. I seen someone mention sleep training. I know its hard but you lo will sleep through when ready. Im sure if you get the days sorted, it will make the nights easier.

Your oh can help with the nights. My oh would get up, make a cup of tea get me a plate of fruit (or chocolate :p) then go back to bed. So there are ways he can help out, he might just not know how x

Op you are right that a total of 6 and a half hours is nowhere near enough per 24 hours. I would ask where and how does your baby nap best? Do whatever you need to do for the next few days to get your baby as many and as long naps as you possibly can. If that means long walks in the pram, or driving around, or lying in a darkened silent room, whatever works best for her should be your guide. Better day sleep should lead to better night sleep.

I see some book recommendations - I loved the sleep book by Kim West which suggested ideal amounts of sleep for babies at each age and was very helpful in telling you how to secure those. As far as I recall, a three month old is probably something like 14 hours total per 24 - more than double yours.

The division of labour between you also sounds less than ideal. But maybe you don't have the emotional energy to address that now. In the mean time, the priority is getting the baby to sleep several more hours per 24 hour period. Once she is better rested overall, she may need less stimulation and also then you can work on your preferred sleep routine - in her cot or at set times or whatever. Would a dummy help?

I feel for you. It sounds exhausting and persistent sleep deprivation is horrible. Anyone telling you it's normal or even good for a 3 month old has either misunderstood or is plain wrong. Best wishes.

And also put the baby down for naps way earlier than you think. So if aim for the first nap to start 90 minutes after she wakes for the day. And then every two hours or so after each waking. It feels crazy but try it.

Your DH needs to be doing more.
He kindly holds your child so you can cook his tea?? Unless you're desperate for the head space why can't he cook or order take out and still hold the baby? How many hours does he hold, entertain and feed the baby on his two days off? I get he can't feed him but he could get up with him, leave you in bed and jist bring him up for a feed and let you sleep both days.
Yeah yeah he works hard, his sleep is very important but you're trying to keep his child alive.
He can also get up Friday and Sunday night and do everything bar the feed.

YOU GET 6HRS SLEEP?! Jesus wept. I'm at month 11 and I still only get 4 max. 6 was my normal sleep before baby. You're spoilt rotten. If you're tired on 6hrs sleep you need to get your Iron, Folate, Bvits and Vitamin D levels checked. 6hrs is optimum! Not a lack of sleep.

6 hours of broken sleep more like 5 max might be optimum for you but it isn't for most people. And if baby is sleeping two blocks of 3 then depending on how long it takes op to drop off it's likely far less then that.

Just because you have it harder doesn't mean no one else can possibly be suffering

@Romeo you sound very unkind. Presumably before having a wakeful baby, the OP had a longer stretch of uninterrupted sleep and so she knows what is right for her. And isn't her exhaustion much more likely to be due to very limited broken sleep than her vitamin B?

Most people need 8hrs sleep in one block. I used to sleep for more like 9hrs, plus a nap if I wasn't at work. And I'm naturally a night owl and struggle to get up before 9am. Getting up early after a small amount of broken sleep is making me feel permanently ill. I look after my baby but I'm just blank, going through the motions like a zombie.

I've tried putting him down for naps at regular intervals (in cot and chair, with white noise and rocking) but he just lies there wide awake and screams until I pick him up. Tonight I pushed him round the block for an hour and he was still wide awake. It was nearly 6hrs after his last nap that he finally dozed off.

Assuming the baby doesn't need changing, what else is there to do at night except breastfeeding? (which DH can't do, and which I have to do to maintain my supply)

Apologies if this is an obvious suggestion but have you tried rocking him to sleep in your arms and only then putting him down (very gingerly) in the cot or bassinet? My DS would fight sleep even when I knew he was tired and overdue for a nap - flailing arms and legs from sheer tiredness - but half an hour of rocking and singing in my arms would eventually conk him out. Then I'd wait a few minutes to be sure he was really asleep and gently lower him down, carefully withdraw my arm, shushing if he stirred. He'd then sleep a decent nap and I could get a break. I know lots of books say he should be learning to go asleep by himself but mine just needed help at that age.

Also my DH could do the rocking part if h didn't fall asleep on the boob.

*he (the baby not DH, to be clear )

Oh OP I'm so sorry, and I'm so sorry for some of the responses you've had on here. I have a 3.5 month old and if she was sleeping the way yours is I would have gone mad by now. Genuinely. I don't know how you're still standing and I'm so impressed that you are keeping going.

Just to be clear, because there are some people on this thread who either don't have children or don't remember this stage: that is an unusually small amount of sleep for a 3 month old, 6 hours broken sleep is not nearly enough for you, and some babies really do cry to be entertained all the time.

My main suggestion is to talk to your HV because that's not normal and you really need some help to get your baby into a schedule. I agree with PPs that he's overtired but I also know it's not as simple as just "put him down when he looks sleepy". My HV is wonderful - I know they're not all great but it's worth a try.

However, small things you could try:

• Do you have a bedtime routine? Something that helps your baby wind down at night and know bedtime is coming? Something simple - bath, a story, feed and a song. My daughter can't go much beyond 6pm before starting this routine or she gets overtired and cries for hours.
• Mine self-settles at night and will cry if she's interfered with too much - took me a couple of nights to figure that out - so give it a go
• Conversely getting her to nap involves a lot more work on our part (bouncing etc) - it's a total pain and it took us ages to figure out what worked but for now we're just going with it. If you can figure out something that helps him sleep, just do it. My daughter needs all visual stimulation removed (so bounced or rocked fast enough that she can't focus on anything)
• Get a MyHummy for white noise
• Consider a dummy - they have their own drawbacks so do some reading first but it was worth it for us
• My daughter will sit for much longer in the BabyBjorn chair than any other bouncer - it really is worth the money

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds utterly horrendous.

Based on your most recent post OP, I repeat what I said about focusing first on the earliest part of the day. So if your baby wakes up at 7am tomorrow, you have her down for her nap by 8.30 am max. Whatever works best for her - car, bouncer, cot,pram. It's easier than trying to tackle the night time or late afternoon naps.