Cruel Mum!!

[arlene123]

AIBU keeping my 10 year old dd’s bedtime @ 8pm on a school night, even though it’s nice outside? She’s up later on holidays and weekends but I do like her to at least be in bed, with her book if she wants, off of screens of any kind by 8pm but I was told today that this is cruel (to be fair it was my dd who said this). Thoughts anyone?

I'd give her till 8:30 as a compromise. It is a bit early, you are wise to cut out her screen time before bed though.

I agree with an earlier poster about DC being sent to bed not because they're tired but because parents want them out of the way, which is actually quite sad IMO.

We do have an unhealthy culture in the UK of DC being banished to their bedrooms at ludicrous times because they 'need' 12 hours sleep when they plainly don't.

In contrast, countries like Spain which have much more relaxed attitudes to bedtimes really involve DC in evening family activities, which is surely a lot healthier.

My DCs seem to be natural night owls like DH. At 5 & 7 their light should be off by 9, but they frequently read and entertain themselves quietly until around 9:30. They get over 10 hours sleep which seems to suit them. If they haven't woken naturally, I wake them at 7:45. DS2 always was a low sleep baby. It's very obvious when he's tired from his behaviour and transparent skin showing grey shadows under his eyes on the occasions when he does build tiredness up.

DM thinks this is a scandal and had me at a 7pm bedtime for a ridiculous time. I can remember being about 11 (probably 7.30) and hearing the theme music from The Bill (8-9 pm) going in and out followed by the themes from shows like Van Der Valke (9-10 pm). I would read by streetlight/ cracks of light from the door for hours. I naturally woke at 6.30, far, far earlier than the rest of the household so absolutely did not need 13 hours of sleep or anything close to it!

Everyone is different and needs different amounts at different times. The important bit is enough sleep, and some chill out (tech-free) time to prepare first.

Guides and cubs don't finish until 9 p.m. and 8 p.m. here so no chance of bed that early!

My DS is out like a light at 8.30 p.m., but DD1 is a real night owl and would happily read past 9.00 p.m.

Most friends I know with 10 year olds have 9.00 p.m. bedtime to be honest. It seems a bit early to me, but happy to be out of step with MN on this one

I'd be sending upstairs at 8pm because I want my evening back checking lights out at 8.30-9 I think.

DS is just 11 years old and has 10 hours sleep - 8pm until 6am. He'll go to bed about 7.45pm, no later than 8pm during the week. Weekends (Friday and Saturday) he can stay up late if he wants to. He's always woken early (4.30am wasn't unusual for him as a baby so 6am is a lie in for us!)

We've been at parties when the dance floor has cleared at 1am and he's been going strong until then - but still he wakes at 6am. We've never needed an alarm clock for him. If he is up late though he's very subdued in the morning, very quiet, as we would be if we'd had 5 hours sleep!

At the weekend he was allowed to watch Eurovision (hadn't seen that for ages but he'd heard about it so we had a pizza and giggle evening!) He wanted to go to bed at 10.30pm. Woke at 6am on the dot. And had a bad headache mid morning so slept on the sofa for three hours! The headache had gone when he woke up and that showed me he needs 9-10 hours a night at the moment.

So by default the 8pm to 6am routine works perfectly for him. He's allowed to read until 8.30pm if he wants to but we hear the book drop to the floor around 8.15pm and if we nip upstairs the light is out.

As he has a heart condition the rest is important but having that 'down time' of reading quietly is important too. My sisters and I will have a 5 minute read even if we've gone to bed in the early hours - it relaxes us. DS seems to be built the same way.

CalF I don't necessarily agree with that, adults need their downtime too, to relax, catch up on things, have adult discussions or watch tv without kids around. Sure, nobody should be shipping their kids off to bed at 6pm, but certainly after 8/8.30 for younger children is fine. Their bedroom should be a place where they look forward to going, to be able to relax in their own space, whether that's with toys, books, tablets etc. They don't need constant supervision and entertainment and no matter how much you enjoy spending time with your kids, you still just need to be 'you' sometimes, as opposed to mum and dad.

My ds is 9 and in year 5. He wakes up so early (around 6) and that doesn’t change depending on his bedtime. He has a late night on Monday and Tuesday due to family/his own activities and is then in bed between 8.30-9 so on a Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday he is in bed by 7.30, with reading/tv/whatever until no later than 8.15. Friday and Saturday if we are home, bed is around 9, if we are out it can be anything till 11pm (that would be rare, but getting more often as the children get older).
Ds feels very much that his bedtime is too early when we are in as his friends tell him they are up till much later. I’ve told him to join in with their ‘I don’t go to bed until 10pm’, they have no way to disprove this and I know some of their parents and know this isn’t the case, it’s 10 year olds exaggerating!

Dd is 12 and her activities mean she has two nights where the earliest she can be in bed is 9. If we are at home we tend to have her in bed with a book/tv by about 8, with lights out by 9. I like to have a bit of time on my own before I go to bed so she doesn’t really get too much choice over this. If she stays up later she can’t get up in the morning and is grumpy. No point in keeping them up so they are grumpy all day!

If you are cruel I must be evil. My DD is 9 and is in bed by 7:30pm unless it is a Tuesday which is 8pm (due to brownies). If I don't I know I will have a hell of a job getting her out of bed by 7am.
I don't care if the other kids are playing out till 8/9pm (some as late at 10pm when it is light). She needs her sleep. I see the other kids moaning and whinging on a morning and look knackered.

She is allowed up later on weekends and holidays when we don't have to be up and out.

I felt guilty last night when I got to 7.30 as the girls were playing nicely together (for a change), outside (again for a change), but that is when my 7 year old goes to bed.

I left them for another 15 minutes, then they came in by themselves as they were shattered.

This thread goes to prove, kids are all different. Even my 2 daughters are different to each other & how much sleep they need.

My eldest starts high school in September, I suspect she’ll initually go to bed early, but then insist on later times once she hears what time others go.

I already get , but all my friends go at 9pm.
Well, they might get up when they are called, & probably not as early!

@sashangel

That could be considered evil IMO. 10 year olds don't need 12 hours sleep, and even if she did, she's not going to be able to have 12 hours forever so she needs weaned off it. Sounds more like a convenient excuse for you to get rid of her for a quiet evening in front of the TV.

My 11yo (April, so only just) is in bed at 7. Every night. He can listen to music/audio books or read for an hour, but any later and he is vile the next day!

Just to add, my boy has cerebral palsy so physically tires quickly. He absolutely does need a good night rest.

Seems very early to me. Thats my 4 year olds bedtime and all the kids are still playing in the park at that time.

calF I live in Spain, and while it’s true that many children go to bed A LOT later than in the UK, there is also an extremely high rate of school failure, and my teacher friends complain a lot about children falling asleep in class. The government here has been looking into what can be done, as lack of sleep is at epidemic proportions here and it’s resulting in health issues, academic failure and productivity losses. Children (and adults!) need sleep to function properly.

Another cruel mum here, it seems! My 10 and 11 year old DCs go up at 8, faff about for a bit, read and relax til 9, then it's lights out. Weekends are more relaxed, they go up around 9 if we're at home. They seem fine with it, and it's nice that DH and I can catch up with each other and have some adult time.

This 'adult time' nonsense really bugs me. Why have DC if you don't want to spend time with them? My DC go to bed when they're tired- that could be 8pm or midnight, I don't really care as long as they're getting enough sleep and aren't tired the next day.

And guess what? That means we have to spend time with them in the evenings. Woe me, I don't know how we cope having them watching TV with us or chatting about our days. What we should really be doing is banishing them to their rooms at some random, arbitrary time so they can lie in their beds not sleeping. But as long as we can have 'adult time', who cares about the DC eh?

My 7 year old goes up at 7:30pm and my 9 year old goes up at 8pm. 7 year old is asleep within the hour as is the 9 year old.

9 year old wakes with the larks every morning and is never tired in the mornings (If she wakes up she gets up, we've occasionally had to retrieve her from downstairs at 2am!). As a baby she slept HUGE amounts, now she needs very little.

My 7 year old on the other hand struggles to wake up and I often have to wake him at 7:15am to get up for school so his bedtime will be staying the same for a while.

5 year old goes at 7pm, asleep within 20 minutes and sleeps until her sister wakes her up (usually around 6am) so again no intention of changing her bedtime any time soon as she does get tired and grotty.

girlinthedirtyshirt Me too. Getting rid of the ridiculous extended lunch/siesta period, with a more condensed working day, so parents could be home earlier would be a start. I work in a language academy and kids are finishing English classes at 8.30pm and then having to get home, have dinner, have a shower etc, so rarely in bed before 10pm. Many are up really early as the parents start work earlier than in the uk too. DD is 8 1/2 and goes to sleep at 9pm and is up at 7.30am. She gets more sleep than most of her Spanish classmates.

Tbf my husband has to go to bed early as he leaves for work at 5am ungodly hour and I'm usually in bed by 9pm myself.

I can't understand why anyone would have their young kids downstairs late at night and watching tv with the adults. Surely it's not child appropriate programming then, and what's wrong with adult time? Adults are people too and it's important to carve out some time in the day to be husband and wife and alone, not mum and dad. Saying that by parents declaring that they want adult time means they don't want to spend time with their kids is just plain malicious, troll like and so far off the truth it's almost laughable if it weren't so offensive.

That means we have to spend time with them in the evenings. Woe me, I don't know how we cope having them watching TV with us or chatting about our days

Yeah, god forbid anyone should want to watch an adult-themed film or drama of an evening. Much better that the 10 year old stays up to watch it and so you can chat about your day until midnight at the same time. Never mind about how much sleep they get, doesn't matter if they are tired the next day and slightly disturbed about what they have been watching, as long as you've had 6 hours of FAHHMLY time every evening.

Haha I'm a truly horrible mum then. Dd is 10 and goes to her bedroom at 7.30pm (same time as her younger sisters) but is allowed to play quietly/read until 8pm. She stays up later on Friday nights but that's it and I plan for it to be the same until end of primary.

Dh and I need quality time together and we both work so need down time. In Year 6 she will add a second late night with Guides finishing at 9.15pm. She's never questioned it and was delighted when we suggested 8pm

My 9 year old son needs at least an hour, usually an hour and a half, to wind down and settle before he can go to sleep. It doesn't matter what time he goes up to bed, he still needs that time. So for him to be asleep at a reasonable time (as I have to wake him at 6.45am on school days) he needs to go up to bed by 7.30.

My 5 year old goes to bed at 7, is asleep by 7.30 at the latest, and still needs waking up in the morning.

Bettyfood Exactly. There are plenty of other hours in the day to spend with your kids. You don't have to be up with them until all hours. I love spending time with my dc, equally I enjoy spending time with just my dh, or just my friends, without kids interrupting, and knowing we don't have to censor what we say. The argument of 'if you don't enjoy spending time with your children then why have them' is crap. No one is saying they don't want to be with their kids, just that life doesn't just entail being a parent and nothing else. I don't feel guilty if my dc go to bed before me, they're happy to spend time without us too, sometimes they just want to be on their own with their own thoughts.