Cruel Mum!!

[arlene123]

AIBU keeping my 10 year old dd’s bedtime @ 8pm on a school night, even though it’s nice outside? She’s up later on holidays and weekends but I do like her to at least be in bed, with her book if she wants, off of screens of any kind by 8pm but I was told today that this is cruel (to be fair it was my dd who said this). Thoughts anyone?

8pm is fine if she's allowed to read till 9pm. At that age she probably needs about 10 hours sleep so would get up about 7am?

I do find this culture of arbitrary(usually ridiculously early) bedtimes in this country which must be stuck to come hell or high water really quite bizarre

@CalF123 - I know my DDs. I know that if they get into bed too late they'll be miserable in the morning. DTD1 is autistic and she's a right misery - think shouting, kicking, punching - when she doesn't get enough sleep. I'd rather have them sulk than have them tired and miserable in the morning.

DS 7.5 probably goes up about 9, asleep by about 9.30. But I only wake him about 8am as we are 5 mins from school and he finishes about 4.30 or 5pm depending on day

Im evil too then. DS2 is nearly 11 and is in bed by 8 lights out by 8.15. Ds1 is 13 and is in bed for 9. Lights out by 9.15

They're up at 6.30 though.

It depends on how much sleep your DD needs. DS1 is an out an out bellend if he's tired; he just doesn't function well on very late nights and no amount of late nights equal a lie-in the next day; he just gets up at 6am and is an utter knob by 4pm.

DS2 is less dependent on routine and needs less sleep, so I'm not so rigid with him. He's generally in bed by 8pm and asleep by 9pm, but DH only needs 6 hours a night and I think DS2 is going to follow DH's lead and be one of those ones like Thatcher who can function fully on 4 hours sleep (but hopefully he'll be less of a knob than Thatcher).

8pm does seem a little early at 10 years old, especially in summer. We tend to relax a little more in summer unless they're tired in which case we'll do a week of early nights to catch up.

My 13yo is in bed by 8.30~8.45pm max.
Otherwise he is tired un the morning and struggles to get up.

I can see the issue there.

I assume that it’s yur dd who thinks you are extremely cruel?

I am really hot with bedtimes.
But I would give her another half hour.
8.30 would give her enough sleep

I do find this culture of arbitrary(usually ridiculously early) bedtimes in this country which must be stuck to come hell or high water really quite bizarre

Well I also do find this idea that everyone needs the same amount of sleep and all 10/11/15yo can go to bed at Just as crazy.

If a child or an adult needs 9 hours of sleep, then they just do and need to go to bed accordingly. The fact that ‘most’ other people find it too early shouldn’t be a reason not to do so.

My dd doesn't have a set bedtime, her brothers did, but she remains unable to sleep through the night at 14.
They sleep when they are tired, I used to worry terribly that she wasn't getting enough sleep.
It depends on the child.

Xpost with MrsDV.

Exactely what I was saying. Who on earth is saying that 8.30pm ‘ahouod’ Be enough for that particular child?
If she is going to sleep ok and waking up when she should, then it’s clearly the right time for her to go to sleep?

We should t tell a child when they go to bed according to a set time that ‘should’ be ok but according to their need. I wouldn’t change a bedtime where a child falls asleep ok and wakes up at a normal time.

I'm agreeing with you VivaKondo. If a child needs to go to bed at 8pm, fair enough. But a lot of parents insist on imposing arbitrary times regardless of the needs of the individual child.

My ds 10 goes up at 9pm. Up about 7.45am then for school.

My 16 year old takes himself off to bed whenever he feels tired. Which can be anytime between 8.30 and 10pm. He is nearly always awake by 7am though. He’s very unusual in that he doesn’t like late nights.

I think 8 pm for a 10 year old is fine, especially if they need to be woken in a morning.

We're having WW3 over bedtimes ATM. My 10 year old thinks I'm terribly cruel too.

Ds's are 8 and 10. They both have a bedtime of 8pm, then reading time for 30 minutes and lights out at 8.30.

Ds1 has been begging moaning and crying- asking for a later bedtime for months - because he's 2 years older than ds2 so should get something...I get his point.

Problem is, ds1 needs much more sleep than ds2 and always has. Ds2 ATM leaps out of bed at 6.30, well rested; ds1 needs to be shaken awake by me or dh at 7.30 most days.

If we were truly doing the best thing for each child, ds1 needs to go to bed an hour or more earlier than ds2 ...that would go down like a shit sandwich though!

She’s usually a bit later getting to bed on a Monday night as she comes home from drama at 7.45pm so she’s usually just heading to bed at 8.30pm and on Thursdays she doesn’t get to bed until after 9.30pm because of youth club (it finishes long before that but she comes home with Gran who works in the same building). She has plenty opportunities to play and socialise with her peers. She absolutely loves reading and I really don’t mind her reading to 9ish. I just like her 2 be settled and off of gadgets long before she’s sleeping. She’s usually up between 6.30 and 7am, usually doesn’t need called more than once, if at all.

@arlene123

Does she get up ok on the later nights? If so, I don't see the issue with letting her stay up on the others.

Wow! I'm amazed at those 13 year olds who are in bed by 8.30pm

We have dinner about 8pm. My 12 year old goes to bed around 10.30 or 11. Up and dressed for breakfast which is at 7.20-7.30am.

I think I'm missing a trick!

8 o clock for a ten year old is a bit mean... I'd say half nine on a school night

SecretIsland we had the same problem previously as my 12yr old dd has always needed so much more sleep than her younger sister (still does if I’m honest), we had tantrums and backlash for a few weeks when I started allowing the older one to stay up later but she soon settled when she realised I was sticking to my guns though.

It depends on the child, some need less sleep than others. My DS is 8 and sleeps for 9 and a quarter hours every night. Lights out at 9.30, asleep by 10 and up at 7.15. He has plenty of energy during the day and alert for school and homework.

@CalF123 she’s usually still asleep at the same time on a Monday night, so the next morning is fine. Friday morning is the only time she needs any prompting to get up.

I think what you have there is a perfectly normal and healthy routine @grumpy4squash. Your DS goes to bed when he's tired without unnecessary slanging matches or fights.

My DD of a similar age would flat out refuse to go to bed at 8pm, as she just isn't tired at that time.

I used to go to bed about that time maybe 8:30. But if it was to be any later than 8 I had to be completely ready for bed. Brushed teeth ( meaning no further snacking) in my pyjamas, bag packed for school.
They were the rules. And if I was grumpy the next day I had my normal bed time again for at least a week. My mum always says that I was the child who took myself to bed when I was tired and she didn't worry too much if it was later than my bed time (obviously within reason) as she trusted if I was tired I would have gone to bed. My brother was different. He was older and had the same or later bed time but was allowed to have his light on for longer

I'm the most evillest and unreasonable mum ever my 14 year old has been told since he can't scrape himself out of bed on time it's lights out at 9.30. You do what works for you and yours try it later if she's tired revert back no harm no foul

My 10yo goes up at 8pm and is allowed to read etc until 8.35pm (we negotiated the extra 5 mins). She wakes up at 7am easily.

I am more relaxed at the weekends and during holidays and really nice nights during the week, when we may be outside until late but a few late nights take their toll on her so I try to stick to it.