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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for the present

278 replies

bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 10:44

I will try not to drip feed but at the same time try not to overload with useless info.

I have been with DP and I have a 1 year old ds, we have been together 2 years.
Money is a bit of a strange situation to some, DP likes to keep his very separate, has a lot tucked away in a savings account & would never disclose how much. I don't ask, this was his before we met.
Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

It is his nephews 1st birthday on Friday. This is the only other child on that side of the family other than our DS - I however have 5 nieces and nephews.

I asked DP if he would like me to go and choose a birthday present, pick up a card etc as he is working all week, and if so could he transfer the money into my account as I don't get my wages for another 2 weeks and after my cars tax bill this month I don't have alot spare. Now I don't begrudge paying for Dns present as I do see them as our family rather than his, but when it comes to my families bday/xmas presents I fund these from my own wages and DP will not contribute a penny to helping me out, I therefore save myself throughout the year ready for when xmas arrives.

DP looked horrified that I'd asked him to send the money over and asked 'well where's your money?' I explained I only have enough in my account now to see me through til payday, and out of principal I fund my side of the families presents so I think he should do the same. This has escalated into something huge, and he thinks I'm being totally unreasonable, and is now not speaking to me.
Am i being just being stubborn? I really think he is the one BU.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 16/05/2018 11:20

Tell him you are fed up of being skint and want to go back to work full time. Can he make arrangements to go part time so that you can swap roles in order for you to be able to build some savings in the same way that he has.

Can you imagine the reaction to that suggestion? haha

But anyway the fact that you'd actually have to say that to your "partner" to show them that they are BU for me would just prove the relationship is a lost cause. I wouldn't want to be with someone I'd actually have to explain this stuff to, to have to ask him to help his family out more. No way

viques · 16/05/2018 11:22

Why are you paying for childcare? the decision for you to go to work was made together, the childcare costs should be shared.

but actually, as others have said, his general,attitude to money is unpleasant. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around financial arrangements, who pays for what, secret savings accounts, unfair division of money.

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 11:23

Also, me going part time was to reduce childcare costs, but I also didn't want to have to leave DS full time at 9 months, so the general consensus was, if I go part time to spend time with our DS I sacrifice the money and he would pay the extra bills.
If I want to go full time and earn more money, he'd be ok with this and we would split the childcare costs equally.
I'm crying as I write this as I can see how awful it sounds.

OP posts:
A4710Rider · 16/05/2018 11:23

Why don't tight people realise that being tight is one of the biggest passion/feelings killer there is?

alreadytaken · 16/05/2018 11:24

he pays the mortgage - is your name on it? This is more of a crucial question than are you married.

Please dont try to make it work for your child - because your child will just learn really poor behaviour. I am not a fan of LTB but it is something you should seriously consider.

HoppingPavlova · 16/05/2018 11:25

Crazy as fuck.
I certainly hope you are charging him for childcare on your days off? Use the charge/day for the service you use, halve it as ‘his share’ and he needs to pay you for childcare if he is working, you are not and money is shared.

Similarly if you do the majority of cleaning, domestic duties etc then charge him. Use cost/hr that would be charged by a cleaner and charge him for 50% of your time used to keep the house in order. Charge him half for every single thing you do. If you do his ironing charge him full price for that, no need to halve itGrin. That’s fair. If he is not happy with this then get rid of him. Sounds like a very poor catch anyway.

MaiaRindell · 16/05/2018 11:27

I agree with all the PPs who said this is a bigger problem than just presents. I left my husband over this type of attitude to money. He was driving round a in a brand new Porsche while his two kids and I lived on what I earned working one day a week. I now get more through the CSA than he ever gave me.

CD890 · 16/05/2018 11:28

He's a CF. Where does he think all your money goes if not on bills/food etc. Your wise enough to save what you can throughout the year to buy presents for your family and he's dumb enough to think he shouldn't have to do the same for his! Personally, I'd be petty and leave it down to him to sort entirely (this is what I do with my DH family but that's because they are difficult, not him) and then when your DN doesn't have a present from you, apologise and say it you agreed that your DP was getting it.
I'm a SAHM so the only income i get is child benefit and we have separate accounts but all bills go out from mine so I just transfers a certain amount every month from his account for the bills and then I can take whatever I need whenever I need it for food/presents and such. I'd go mad if he ever tried to stop me having money since its mainly always spent on the family - the only time I ask is if it's an expensive purchase and even that's just to check we have enough to do it alongside DH cost of travel to work etc and he usually tells me to stop asking and just go ahead because he trusts that whatever I'm buying is needed/necessary.
Your DP needs to give his head a wobble!

AltheaorDonna · 16/05/2018 11:29

I’m sorry I read this post a few times as it makes absolutely no sense to me. How do you manage to stay with, never mind have sex with, and have a baby with someone like this? This is so ridiculously outrageous, I only can advise you to get the fuck away from this miserable financially abusive shit head. Honestly, he is no good. If you’re married get yourself a SHL, if not ( and I bet you aren’t) get back to work ASAP and make plans to get the hell away from this mean horrible prick.

HoppingPavlova · 16/05/2018 11:29

*money NOT shared...

Lweji · 16/05/2018 11:34

Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

Wait...
How much do you both contribute towards household and child expenses?

mydietstartsmonday · 16/05/2018 11:35

Is the house in both your names or just his?
Well you know what you need to do.
You can this opportunity to work part time and be with your son but only you can decide when you go back full-time.
Personally I think this needs to be sooner rather than later.
And you don't offer to buy his side of the family anything or him for that matter.
Good luck

Lweji · 16/05/2018 11:36

Sorry, for some reason, I missed the posts you talked about it.

It doesn't seem a fair division if he ends up with lots of money and you with almost nothing.

You might be better off separating.

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 11:36

Puttingthefootdown we definitely have no where near the same at the end of the month. But then he will pay for things that need replacing in the house.
oysterbabe We have a mortgage together but not equal shares.
AltheaorDonna i do go over and over a plan for this so much, I feel so stuck. And then I think I am lucky to be spending the time with my DS and it isn't for long and once he's in school I can go back to work full time and up my own savings.

OP posts:
postcardsfrom · 16/05/2018 11:36

OP - is your name on the mortgage? If not because you aren't married the house is his.
You need to sit down and discuss finances asap, as a family because I don't think this is a partnership at all.
My DP earns 4 x what I do now that I am part-time, so that the children don't need round the clock child care. Here's what we do - each month we put an agreed amount into our joint account which leaves us with the same discretionary spending money. So we both have the SAME spending money each month. I save some, spend some. Everything else comes out of our joint acct - mortgage, bills, kids clothes etc. joint meals out, holidays, anything that benefits both of us or the family, most presents for family and friends. If i need extra for something I can take that out of the joint but will run it by DP.
My DP has never quibbled with this as I had the kids and do more of the home stuff, and my earnings are reduced because I'm part-time. That's my contribution to our family unit. DP's is more financial.
For me that's a partnership, and actually if we were to divorce DP would still be in the better position with the higher wages/better job so I feel that I have already compromised to a degree anyway.

KeiTeNgeNge · 16/05/2018 11:37

Oh that is ridiculous - how can he justify that!

Cacofonix · 16/05/2018 11:38

I am sorry but I couldn't accept a partner like that. I think it is time to find an exit strategy I am afraid.

slowlywiltingpetal · 16/05/2018 11:38

He sounds like a total delight.

Realistically you have a child together and those savings are your business, as you have had to reduce your hours, to save money on childcare.

He might pay out more but he earns more and has savings.

Why should it come down to you to find his families presents on your meagre wages.

It is really unattractive, if I'm honest it shows money really is the root of all that's bad. I say that as I've seen with some men, they get precious over money, they would literally see others without, when they're far from broke themselves. I've experienced this, it was mind blowing that my ex made up random money I owed, if I asked for help or access to something the answer was you owe me £x so no.

I'm glad I can live on next to nothing tbh, I'd rather have little money than be so obsessed with it.

Hopefully he'll grow a pair and realise you are a unit, so there needs to be compromise.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 16/05/2018 11:38

I really, really, REALLY, think you should get back into full-time work as soon as you possibly can & insist that he pays half the childcare bills.
Having a financially secure mother who demands respect from his father, who respects herself and who sees a life of possibilities is more important than a couple of extra days a week with mummy.
This man does not respect you (doesn’t respect women at all actually). He doesn’t even seem to like you that much and, sooner or later, you will probably have to leave him. Please do not continue to disadvantage yourself in the meantime.
Who knows, if you draw firm boundaries now, you might just cause your partner to start treating you better. Although I’m afraid I doubt it because behaviour like his is not generally caused by having an out-dated attitude, it’s generally caused by being an unpleasant person and you can’t reason someone out of being a git.

fuzzywuzzy · 16/05/2018 11:39

Till you can leave him I’d be insisting he contribute to everything equally for your son including childcare costs.

Don’t buy him or his family anything.

They’re all his financial responsibility.

Also get legal advice on the best way to split with minimum financial damage to you.

PintOfMineralWater · 16/05/2018 11:42

Whoa. This is awful. You've had some good advice on this thread, I hope you can sort this out as no one should have to live like this.

blueskyinmarch · 16/05/2018 11:43

He is a tight bastard. But i think you know that.

crunchymint · 16/05/2018 11:43

OP I am sorry but he is financially abusive. He is putting his desire for savings, before you and your DC.
Many posters have pointed out that this is a big issue in your relationship. This is probably really hard to hear, so give yourself time to come to terms with it first.

DerelictWreck · 16/05/2018 11:44

What was his response when you explained that you pay for presents your side of the family without his contributing?