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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for the present

278 replies

bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 10:44

I will try not to drip feed but at the same time try not to overload with useless info.

I have been with DP and I have a 1 year old ds, we have been together 2 years.
Money is a bit of a strange situation to some, DP likes to keep his very separate, has a lot tucked away in a savings account & would never disclose how much. I don't ask, this was his before we met.
Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

It is his nephews 1st birthday on Friday. This is the only other child on that side of the family other than our DS - I however have 5 nieces and nephews.

I asked DP if he would like me to go and choose a birthday present, pick up a card etc as he is working all week, and if so could he transfer the money into my account as I don't get my wages for another 2 weeks and after my cars tax bill this month I don't have alot spare. Now I don't begrudge paying for Dns present as I do see them as our family rather than his, but when it comes to my families bday/xmas presents I fund these from my own wages and DP will not contribute a penny to helping me out, I therefore save myself throughout the year ready for when xmas arrives.

DP looked horrified that I'd asked him to send the money over and asked 'well where's your money?' I explained I only have enough in my account now to see me through til payday, and out of principal I fund my side of the families presents so I think he should do the same. This has escalated into something huge, and he thinks I'm being totally unreasonable, and is now not speaking to me.
Am i being just being stubborn? I really think he is the one BU.

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 16/05/2018 11:05

Separate finances is one thing (fwiw, once there’s children involved and one partner, almost always the woman, takes the financial hit of maternity leave and part time work, it’s a terrible idea. Childcare is a joint cost. You being part time saves him money.)

But HIBU to think you should pay for his DN’s gift when he doesn’t pay a penny towards gifts for your DNS.

Time for a serious discussion of finances. You shouldn’t be struggling for money while he’s rolling in it. If he wants his pre-relationship savings to be separate, I can understand that, to an extent. But income now needs to be shared. You have a child together. Your earning capacity is limited by your joint decision for you to be part time. You being part time allows him to be full time and earn what he does.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 16/05/2018 11:05

this is a terrible set up. Your wages taking a hit because of childcare facilitate his ability to earn far more money than you.....

You are or should be a team, a family, taking care of things TOGETHER.
Hes being massively unreasonable.
Id actually frame this as financially abusive tbh.
If you broke up you may find that youd actually be financially better off.
That is no situation to be in. He sounds like a twat!

Trinity66 · 16/05/2018 11:05

His argument is.... where is your money. I said, I don't have to justify every penny that leaves my account, as I don't question yours. I have enough to keep the family going with the bills I will need to pay over the next two weeks and thats it.

It does really upset me when xmas comes around, or like in feb it was three of my nephews bdays, and his answer is tell everyone you're skint and can't afford presents this year.

It doesn't sound like he see's you as part of a team which I believe is the most important thing in a relationship, a good relationship anyway. That would be a massive deal breaker for me. I just couldn't imagine myself struggling financially while my DH just watched me or vice versa

ParentInCharge · 16/05/2018 11:06

What bills are you paying out of your meagre part time wages? As others have said, you have a much bigger problem than a present.

If he will not contribute financially to any of your family's Christmas presents I hope to God you aren't putting his name on the cards and gifts. Please say he's not getting any credit for that shit.
Absolutely DO NOT buy his DN a gift. Apologise to SIL/BIL that you were unable to get him a gift as their tight arsed brother refused to contribute.

Then wish them well and tell them you'll keep in touch and go live the single life you're already living. The financially abusive dickhead can piss and moan about his money when he's signing CSA cheques to you.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 16/05/2018 11:06

Ugh tightness is so unnattractive. Of course he should pay for his nephew’s present as you pay for your own. Would also be jnterested to know what his contribution is to this relationship. I also wouldn’t be offering to take care of his side of the families presents. As you say he only has one nephew to look after a year. Plenty of people work full time with dozens. As you saw you get no thanks for it.

niknac1 · 16/05/2018 11:07

I am very sorry you are in this position but you don’t have to stay in it. You already know his attitude is deeply unattractive and not acceptable. How you proceed is not an easy decision but it isn’t a nice way to live and it won’t get better with mr tifhtarse magically.

sparklepops123 · 16/05/2018 11:08

Charge him for childcare

ny20005 · 16/05/2018 11:08

Wow ! I'm afraid meanness with money would be a dealbreaker for me.

Invoice him for the childcare hours you do to enable him to work

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 16/05/2018 11:09

You’d be much better off single with him paying maintenance!

Zoflorabore · 16/05/2018 11:09

Nothing puts me off a person more than tightness. We don't have much but what we do have we share.

What a catch.

SadieHH · 16/05/2018 11:11

So if you're supporting the family you'd be better of as a single parent with a nice wad of cash from him every month (in theory!). I don't often say this but it's a no brainier to me. He sounds revolting, get rid.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/05/2018 11:11

I have literally just read a yhread from a woman whose partner of 12 years haf an affair and is now marrying ow within I think 6 months. She too had her career compromised from the effects of having dc and now is having to start again from scratch, while he has swanned off with his earning potential and assets untouched. She is worried about pissing him off too much in case he stops paying the school fees before she is in a position to take them on herself.
NEVER give up full time work and fibancial independence to benefit a man you are not married to. Why are you the only one taking the hit when you share a child?
You are setting yourself up here to get screwed over - this is not a nice man. His money is his and yours is also his? He is sitying on his fat salary and savings and seeing you live essentially in poverty.
Wake up!

Dancingmonkey87 · 16/05/2018 11:13

My ex ds df was like this would expect me to use all my money on things and keep hold of his. If you would have walked if it wasn’t for ds surely it’s more incentive to walk now. This is not normal behaviour op and will only get worse.

OrchidInTheSun · 16/05/2018 11:14

So your earnings have been vastly reduced so you can look after your child and your partner is a high earner who keeps you and your child living in poverty? You have much bigger problems than the present. He's financially abusive.

Puttingthefootdown · 16/05/2018 11:15

I would be more concerned why you dont both have exactly the same spare cash at the end of the month. The present is the least of your worries..

Those savings should help the family he created!

Fishface77 · 16/05/2018 11:17

I’d tell him I’m going back to work full time and he needs to contribute towards childcare.
Or
I would see if I’m better of working part time and claiming benefits and leave.

ellsbells2 · 16/05/2018 11:17

Tell him you are fed up of being skint and want to go back to work full time. Can he make arrangements to go part time so that you can swap roles in order for you to be able to build some savings in the same way that he has.

In all honesty I do not get his problem over the present at all, he is a cf to expect you to pay for it considering his attitude towards your nieces and nephews. However, the bigger picture is the bigger problem.

Waddlelikeapenguin · 16/05/2018 11:17

You went part time to reduce the childcare costs - this means you are paying those childcare costs in lost income. The very minimum he should be doing is paying you for childcare/lost wages.
Really what he should be doing is contributing fairly to the household.

Please try to protect yourself Flowers

DevilsDoorbell · 16/05/2018 11:17

This will only get worse. What does he pay for?

Crispbutty · 16/05/2018 11:18

My dp has a lot more money than me but if I need anything he happily transfers cash to me or gives me his card. That’s how it should be, and we don’t have kids either. Yanbu at all and he is being selfish.

Shadow666 · 16/05/2018 11:19

My Ex was like this. There was an explanation in the book book "Why does he do that?" about how a normal man sees his rights and the rights of his wife as equally-sized, large circles and the rights of their children as a large circle but slightly smaller than the adult's circles as they are kids they have slightly fewer rights. A narcissist sees his rights as a really large circle, his wife's rights as a small circle and his children's rights as a really small circle. I thought, yup that's my Ex, it's all about him and what he wants. I suspect your partner is the same.

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 16/05/2018 11:19

Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs

Right, so the money saved, he transfers half of that to you yes? And pays half the childcare?

Otherwise, go back full time, increase your wage again, and bill him for half the childcare (and have him do half the pickups/dropoffs/preparation)

I'm going to go ahead and guess that wouldn't be acceptable. Do you get enough from this relationship to justify this? If you left then he'd have to pay his share.

Celebelly · 16/05/2018 11:19

He sounds like a miserable git and someone who has no interest in being in a partnership. Incredibly selfish and unpleasant.

Look, I'm a huge proponent of women retaining fiscal independence from a partner (be it male or female) and having your own bank account and means to access money should something happen. But this? This is just dysfunctional.

You've had a child with this man. You live a life together. Does he think you're trying to diddle him out of money? If so, then why the heck are you even together?

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 11:19

Wow thank you so much for all the replies. I'll try and answer as much as I can.
So how does paying for your housing/food for your child etc work? ....... I pay some bills, food and childcare, he pays mortgage, Ctax, the rest of the bills.
Do you realise, OP, that if he left you, you'd be left with your part-time income and some child support and that's it? ....... I really do understand, and having had a bloody good job before I had DS my plan is to get back into what I did when DS is in school, get my own savings and honestly I can not see me staying if things don't change between now and then. I know it's not ideal but I am trying to see the postives and make this work for DS's sake.

Let me guess, he doesn't believe in marriage as 'it's only a bit of paper' but still insisted on your DS having his surname??.............. This, only he doesn't believe in marriage 'as it can all go wrong in so many ways' I.e his money will be touched.

My head really isn't in the sand with it all, I'm fully aware of this CF behaviour, I wish I could turn back time, but then I wouldnt have DS.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 16/05/2018 11:19

Gosh! I'm sorry OP, that's really awful. You're struggling whilst he has wads of cash! So I'm the main wager earner and earn 2x what my OH does. We have a joint account which we proportionately (according to salary) put money into. If he was going to shop for a present for someone in my family I'd definitely give him the cash, of couse upfront if he needed it. And if he did need it I'd be transferring a sum into his own account for him and sit down and talk about finances and him needing more. We work as a team on the house/childcare etc so earnings versus (paid) work doesn't come into it. Looking after our DSs is every bit as important.