To not pay for the present

[bannanahammock]

I will try not to drip feed but at the same time try not to overload with useless info.

I have been with DP and I have a 1 year old ds, we have been together 2 years.
Money is a bit of a strange situation to some, DP likes to keep his very separate, has a lot tucked away in a savings account & would never disclose how much. I don't ask, this was his before we met.
Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

It is his nephews 1st birthday on Friday. This is the only other child on that side of the family other than our DS - I however have 5 nieces and nephews.

I asked DP if he would like me to go and choose a birthday present, pick up a card etc as he is working all week, and if so could he transfer the money into my account as I don't get my wages for another 2 weeks and after my cars tax bill this month I don't have alot spare. Now I don't begrudge paying for Dns present as I do see them as our family rather than his, but when it comes to my families bday/xmas presents I fund these from my own wages and DP will not contribute a penny to helping me out, I therefore save myself throughout the year ready for when xmas arrives.

DP looked horrified that I'd asked him to send the money over and asked 'well where's your money?' I explained I only have enough in my account now to see me through til payday, and out of principal I fund my side of the families presents so I think he should do the same. This has escalated into something huge, and he thinks I'm being totally unreasonable, and is now not speaking to me.
Am i being just being stubborn? I really think he is the one BU.

Wow my dh does similar, he earns a comfortable salary, has a pension he is saving for us, and investments, we have separate finances due to my having a bad spending habit. He pays bills, monthly allowance to me, as I am a STAHM with a child who has moderate ASD and learning difficulties. He would never every behave like that. Never! Tell him if this is such a big issue, there is always Amazon or E bay.

Look OP

I could have written what you've written.

My partner wasn't abusive, he was just extremely tight and careful with his money. I knew then he wasn't abusive and he still is t now.

Although my wage was way lower than his, I would go halves on the tax, water, gas and electricity and food bills. Leaving me with £600 to spare. And from that £240 went on my train ticket each month and then the rest was for lunch and basic necessities. Should we go on dates or cinema I was expected to pay half etc. I didn't have much to save at the end of each month. He was saving enough.

When I got pregnant I paid for everything for the baby. He didn't buy anything. Believe me - when I asked him for fifty for some clothes and basics he looked at me funny. My cousins and relatives paid for baby items. Not him or his family.

Then he asked me to quit my job to cover childcare. And I did because I wanted to be with baby. I knew he wasn't abusive, just tight.

It was so fucking degrading asking him for money each month and being asked why and where each penny went. But it became normal and sometimes I would get frustrated and cry but mostly just accept it.

I had enough one day and went fucking NC on him and packed my shit up and walked out with the kid and told him he needed to grow the fuck up.

Like fizzy said 'he wants the kid to have his surname but won't marry'.

Long story short he got his shit together and grew into a man who took responsibility for his own family. Prior to that and in hindsight he was all about himself. Not in an arrogant way, just really stupidly about himself.

He bought everything for Baby number 2 as well as my monthly allowance on top. We are just about to buy our new home with my name on the paperwork. And I'm getting married at the end of this year.

He's not abusive, jut really selfish and was still a boy. Then he grew the fuck up and accepted his responsibility for his own family.

He will openly say 'yeah I was a complete dick' now.

Teach your OH to accept responsibility. I fucking hope he sees what he is doing to you.

Wow, he's a real prince

Glad you haven't got your head stuck in the sand OP. At least you are under no illusion he is a prick. Just start planning your escape route.

Just read the rest of your posts, it is financially abusive, I would consider a future without him in it, just figure out what you are going to do. He sounds horrid and awful.

When I said dh does similar to you, I don't mean his behaviour, just the set up. Nooooo dh does not behaviour like your partner. If I needed the money for presents would give me it.

Dh pays for dates when we go out, holidays, etc as he should.

I don’t believe in covering up for twatfaces. I would buy nothing for his family ever again and tell them why. Text him ‘so if you can’t transfer anything I’ll just tell your sis/bro that I can’t afford a present at the moment and you don’t contribute towards anything like that. Let me know’

Have you actually sat down with him and told him the financial situation is unacceptable and is not a partnership?
or are you just waiting for your ds to be in school so you can leave? What's the point in that? Wasting years of your life?

And why anyone lets their child have their dp's name if not married is beyond my understanding.

Money is a bit of a strange situation to some, DP likes to keep his very separate, has a lot tucked away in a savings account & would never disclose how much. Since having DS we decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

So he should be paying 4x what you do into the family pot to run the household.

Why the heck should YOU take a wage cut and scrimp and save to look after your joint baby?? It's your h's responsibility too. So he has savings, you don't know how much, yet you're supposed to live off thin air?? He sounds like a tight-fisted meanie.

You need to sort financies ASAP. Can't believe you haven't talked about this already...

No he is not be reasonable. This little episode demonstrates the newness of your relationship despite having a child together. It's not unresolvable, but you probably need to suggest sitting down and working through things more broadly. Say you want clarity and fair ground rules ....you are not trying to screw him over.
Discuss it. How much he earns / How much you earn / how much £ will you pool together for rent, holiday, child clothing, health issues, gifts, bills, transport etc.

You are parents now. Trust me. It's not going to get easier in years to come if you shimmy round the issue.

Urgh. Massive turn off!

We have totally separate accounts and money. DH earns a lot more than me, but it's worked out so we have equal money left, in fact I have more than him because he is paying back his student loan which I refuse to contribute towards as I paid his debts off before when we met. This is how it should be, not the higher earner getting to keep all their money, higher earner should be paying far more of the bills. I have more family to buy for and we don't pay for each other's, DH would never dream of asking meto pay for his family's presents or vice versa. But DH is also tight and does question about the money when I hand him the spreadsheet and tell him what gets paid to where and how much he has to pay out and it's not attractive and pisses me off tbh. I think if it was left to him it wouldn't be worked out the way it is. What is the matter with these men!

postcards ~That is a similar arrangement to what I have suggested we do, even if we don't end up witha similar amount at the end of the month, just to share the joint expenses - things like xmas, meals out, from a joint account we'd both pay into. He is not interested in it at all.

I am trying to get through all responses and answer all questions, it is difficult to hear, but I am also not burying my head, I completely understand what situation I have let myself get into… always hoping with time he will start to relax a little when it comes to money. But it doesn’t seem to be happening.

When xmas or birthdays come round, I ask if he can help me out and his response is always, where is your money. I explain I don’t have a lot to spare, and the answers are – you don’t need to spend a lot, or you sould save before these events happen. So I do. I don’t ask anymore.
I can’t say too much, but his next of kin are his parents, until our dc turn 18, and then it is down to them.
Mummyoflittledragon the mortgage was only in his name until I packed my bags to leave, then it changed but as I say not equal shared due to what I haven’t been able to contribute prior to the relationship.

jessicasmummy you sound like you could be me, 3 years ago , that’s really scary. But I’m really glad you’re happier than ever and have moved on.
I know it shouldn’t be and all the women will hate me …. But this is my biggest fear, never finding happiness – I won’t say ‘again’ as I’m clearly not happy now.
I have looked into leaving him, and what my circumstances would be, and I would be 100% better off financially, however the guilt takes over of breaking up the family.

He does pay way more than I do, in terms of the bits he pays for do add up to more than the bits I do, I am just not left with much at the end of the month from my wages being lower.
Thank you all so much for your replies, this really was just meant tobe about the present and has now turned into a big reality check xx

First, get a full time job.

Second, leave him.

No guilt. Would you want your ds to grow and and treat his DP like this? He might well do if it becomes his 'normal'.

combatbarbie If I went back full time, I would probably earn £1600 a month ish, his is £2200 ish

fizzywizzyflash
I’m so glad you’ve managed to work through it and come out the other side. My wake up moment kind of happened and that’s when he agreed to put me on the mortgage. Other than that not much has changed. He absolutely can not see why he would need to help me out as he puts it.

When I was pregnant he bought the pushchair – but because of this I was left to buy everything else. Resulting in me not being able to save anything. And I wish looking back I’d have saved what I could whilst I was pregnant and still working full time.

Leave. Financially you would be better off. He does not see you as equal.

The thing is though, Starlight. Full time jobs or any jobs for that matter don't grow on trees. It's not as simple as just getting a job

Sorry but your hubby's meanness with money would have been a dealbreaker for me also. Before we married, my hubby and I both worked and yet he paid all the household bills, holidays etc. I just paid for food etc, unless he came with me than he would pay. You are hopefully planning on spending the rest of your lives together...I don't get the whole hiding money from you thing.

He is leaving the person he's supposed to love in dire financial straits and when she says she doesn't have the money for gifts asks why not, what's she been doing with her money? All the while, he's banking his money.

Come on, OP. This is not going to get better.

He sounds very much a "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine also" kind of person.

Stop buying presents for his side of the family. If he wants to do it, it's up to him. His job, not yours.

Change the bills around so you're paying the mortgage each month and he's paying the childcare or the food or something. Otherwise he could claim more of the equity in the house since he was the only one paying the mortgage and you aren't married.

Other posters will be in a better position than me to comment on the effect on kids of breaking up a family, but I suspect it'll be far harder for your DS as he gets older.

Op

Glad this thread has given you more perspective.

It’s very telling that you nearly walked due to not being able to go on the house deeds

It is like he thinks what’s his is his and only his!

I would explicitly express your sadness at the situation.

What is quite sad is the way everything seems to come back to money with him. His attitude towards it etc

You should be looking into the sunken costs fallacy

You really do deserve better and also you don’t want this man as a financial role model for your son

Your dp learned his approach from someone!

And yes I really have sat down and tried to talk about money and how unhappy I am with the situation.

I've cried, I've shouted I've gone silent, Ive talked and talked.
His answer is as long as we're together then I don't need to know whats in his accounts and so forth as he will never see me and DS without.
He would have a massive shock if he were to find out how much CM he would be paying and all other areas he would have to contribute. I've never told him, I think I know deep down it's coming soon.

What was his reason for not paying for half of the baby's equipment? Did he genuinely think the pushchair was half the cost of everything? Or is it children=woman's business?

You dont need to worry about the guilt of breaking up a family. You should be worried on the influence your dp attitute to relationships will have on your ds.

Leave the bastard.

It will not get any better.