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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not pay for the present

278 replies

bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 10:44

I will try not to drip feed but at the same time try not to overload with useless info.

I have been with DP and I have a 1 year old ds, we have been together 2 years.
Money is a bit of a strange situation to some, DP likes to keep his very separate, has a lot tucked away in a savings account & would never disclose how much. I don't ask, this was his before we met.
Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

It is his nephews 1st birthday on Friday. This is the only other child on that side of the family other than our DS - I however have 5 nieces and nephews.

I asked DP if he would like me to go and choose a birthday present, pick up a card etc as he is working all week, and if so could he transfer the money into my account as I don't get my wages for another 2 weeks and after my cars tax bill this month I don't have alot spare. Now I don't begrudge paying for Dns present as I do see them as our family rather than his, but when it comes to my families bday/xmas presents I fund these from my own wages and DP will not contribute a penny to helping me out, I therefore save myself throughout the year ready for when xmas arrives.

DP looked horrified that I'd asked him to send the money over and asked 'well where's your money?' I explained I only have enough in my account now to see me through til payday, and out of principal I fund my side of the families presents so I think he should do the same. This has escalated into something huge, and he thinks I'm being totally unreasonable, and is now not speaking to me.
Am i being just being stubborn? I really think he is the one BU.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2018 11:45

He pays the mortgage. Bet it’s in his name only. Glad you’re eyes are open to this wanker. How unattractive.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 16/05/2018 11:45

I wouldn't be happy with this situation. He sounds like a selfish twat.
I wish I had some practical advice but I can't imagine a marriage where one partner has a lot of tucked away cash but won't pay for his own nephews birthday gift.
My husband has never asked me where my money goes even if I need to ask him for something. Never.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2018 11:46

Personally I’d contact his dns family and apologise for not getting a gift as you cannot afford the present and he won’t contribute. Don’t pretend to the outside world life is fine. He should be the one shamed and humiliated, not you.

Astrabees · 16/05/2018 11:47

Agreed, it is not good. DH and I have always split domestic expenditure in accordance with our different levels of income - he pays 2/3 and I pay 1/3. When we go out or on holiday I pay for some things but he always pays for a bit more than I do. If either of us get a bonus or unexpected lump sum we give our sons a little bonus too and then split the rest equally. There was never any debate or argument about this, it has always been the instinctive fair way. This ease about money really makes our relationship much better in other ways, being tight fisted is a very unattractive trait.

CoffeeIsNotEnough · 16/05/2018 11:47

Sorry to hear all this @bannanahammock. He sounds a right catch. Hope you can find a way to make things better Flowers.

jessicasmummy04 · 16/05/2018 11:48

I prob could have written that post word for word (including your replies) about my daughters dad 3 years ago… I moved to a different part of the county to be with my DD’a dad. He was in a VERY good job (3.5 x my salary) and the deal was I pay for food and my bills (phone, car etc) and he paid all bills and mortgage etc as he always had. All good until DD came along.. I didn’t feel I could ask him for money, having to justify where my maternity pay was going, and ended up running up 5k worth of debt on a CC to still pay for food and anything me or DD needed. I went back to work full time but the £1200 is was getting was mostly going on the £1000 nursery fee as he was paying “to put a roof over our head”.. running up more debt…

Final straw came when we booked and went on a 10 day holiday and on the final afternoon I asked for him to watch DD as I wanted to relax after him playing gold for 7 days of it and his reply was that he paid for the holiday and he works hard and HE wanted to relax.. then came home and bragged about it… Men who have this mentality about money will never change their thought process and you will never feel like you are in a partnership.

He nearly cried on the phone when I told him how much Child Support he would be required to give me after I left him!

I’m 3 years on and am now engaged and happier then I ever was for a second with him.

MumofBoysx2 · 16/05/2018 11:49

He sounds like an idiot, sorry. You share your lives and your child, why not your bank accounts?? My husband and I share everything (when I sold my house I transferred the money into a joint account) and he puts all his money in too. We each have our own accounts though as well with a personal allowance so that we can spend it on what we like. Why not suggest something like that?

squiglet111 · 16/05/2018 11:50

I think you should go back to work now. Start your savings now. You are going to need it when you ltb.

If he earns 4 X more than you he can pay for the full childcare amount. Didn't you say you pay all the childcare on your part time salary? Surely he should be paying that? But yeah, go back fulltime. your lo will be fine

Jammycustard · 16/05/2018 11:50

I would go back to work sooner and start saving. He is not a good partner.

jessicasmummy04 · 16/05/2018 11:51

P.S no YANBU and this is a sign of a much much bigger issue.

I'm 100% sure he would say "they are your family" if this situation was reversed!

justforthisthread101 · 16/05/2018 11:53

Read the thread that @Juells has linked to. And then arrange to go back to work full-time now.

In the long run, it will be better for your DS.

Also, IME, they need you more once they start school, not less. Get yourself sorted in full-time employment now, and you have more chance of negotiating flexibility once he starts school.

And please, have my first LTB. Don't let your son be raised in an environment with such a toxic bastard.

QueenDaisy · 16/05/2018 11:54

Don’t buy the Nephew a present (probably not easy to do) when asked by the relevant family member why, tell them the set up of how present buying works in your house & your DP refused to pay. I’d also be looking to leaving him, he doesn’t seem nice Flowers

Troels · 16/05/2018 11:54

If I want to go full time and earn more money, he'd be ok with this and we would split the childcare costs equally.
No ou are a family now, all bills are paid proporionatly (not sure thats spelled right) He earns double, he contributes double what you do, Otherwise, your wages are supplimenting his share of bills.
You can'r contribute equally if you don't earn equally.
He's trying to have his cake and eat it too.

TomRavenscroft · 16/05/2018 11:54

when it comes to my families bday/xmas presents I fund these from my own wages and DP will not contribute a penny to helping me out

Isn't he a peach? Hmm

YANBU.

Isleepinahedgefund · 16/05/2018 11:55

Protect yourself and your son. Go back to work full time and regain your financial independence.

My ex was like this. He begrudged spending a penny on our child, regularky overspent the (generous) food budget we had set and then would have a go at me when I wouldn’t contribute more money to cover it up. He actually told me he was looking forward to when I went back to work part time because then he’d be in charge of the money because pretty much all my wages would be going in childcare. Trust me OP it doesn’t get any better. He also wouldn’t marry me for the same reasons. I left him before I went part time and my finically situation as a single parent was a whole lot better than it would have been with him (my part time salary was very good though).

I think the biggest mistake any woman can make, married or not, is to give up their financial independence and/or means of making a living on the basis that someone else will be picking up the tab and they will be doing the childcare.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 16/05/2018 11:55

No decent man would be sat with lots of cash in the bank whilst his partner suffered hardship.

I really feel for you.

I don’t know what his justification is?

Does he understand how cash poor you are after all of your outgoings?

blackteasplease · 16/05/2018 11:55

Yet another example of why you shouldn't have kids and not have the security of marriage

^^ This

Or if you do, definitely don't give up full time work.

Why are you saving him money on childcare while he keeps his to himself? Why are you buying presents for his family at all?

CPtart · 16/05/2018 11:56

You're in it up to your neck OP and you've only been with him two years! He's shown his true colours very quickly. I'd be calling it a day, see how easy he finds it to earn big money when he's sole charge of a young child half the week. And make sure your contraception is watertight this time while it's all sorted. If you honestly wouldn't still be with him without having a child together, it's a no brainier.

TheClitterati · 16/05/2018 11:56

do you really want to share your life with someone who treats you this way? why?

In the meantime, let him buy his nephew his own present. And absolutely think about going back to work FT.

Isleepinahedgefund · 16/05/2018 11:56

And it’s all very well everyone saying you’re a family, pool the money and share fairly etc. Your “D”P has made it clear he is not willing to do this - that is not going to change.

Motherofallbeasts · 16/05/2018 11:57

You are being financially abused. You say DP so I am assuming you are not married? You need to be very very careful - a lot of controlling abusive men do this.

Please don't buy the present. Please speak to people about this in RL. Leave him and get child support - you'll be much better off.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 16/05/2018 12:00

I think you should look at your options with regards to tax credits etc. It’s not an easy option but there is a lot of support for single parents and he sounds like he can afford a decent amount of maintenance if you want to go that route.
I’ve been where you are and it’s soul destroying. ExH was in a very well paid job but kept earnings and savings a secret, gave me a bit of money towards food shop that I had to ask for while I paid all my bills and everything for the kids. If I borrowed a fiver he’d ask for it back. We lived in my council flat and he refused to move even though ‘we’ could more than afford to. When I started my own business, he’d sabotage it every time my earnings got to a certain level (by coming home so late that I had to cancel appointments or stopping me doing anything to help the business) so I kept having to restart everything then he’d say I wasnt pulling my weight etc. It was such a sad way to live. There were many other reasons but this was my main grounds for divorce. I now have a lovely life with my DP, a lovely home for our family, he earns half of what my ExH did but would give us the world.
Sorry for the essay but I want you to know there’s more to life than what you’re allowed now.

Flyme21 · 16/05/2018 12:00

I don't often save this, but LTB. You'll at least get CM out of him then. Tight git.

Lweji · 16/05/2018 12:02

I bet he'll accuse you at some point of being a gold digger.

hollyholightly · 16/05/2018 12:02

He sounds horrible.

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