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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for the present

278 replies

bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 10:44

I will try not to drip feed but at the same time try not to overload with useless info.

I have been with DP and I have a 1 year old ds, we have been together 2 years.
Money is a bit of a strange situation to some, DP likes to keep his very separate, has a lot tucked away in a savings account & would never disclose how much. I don't ask, this was his before we met.
Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

It is his nephews 1st birthday on Friday. This is the only other child on that side of the family other than our DS - I however have 5 nieces and nephews.

I asked DP if he would like me to go and choose a birthday present, pick up a card etc as he is working all week, and if so could he transfer the money into my account as I don't get my wages for another 2 weeks and after my cars tax bill this month I don't have alot spare. Now I don't begrudge paying for Dns present as I do see them as our family rather than his, but when it comes to my families bday/xmas presents I fund these from my own wages and DP will not contribute a penny to helping me out, I therefore save myself throughout the year ready for when xmas arrives.

DP looked horrified that I'd asked him to send the money over and asked 'well where's your money?' I explained I only have enough in my account now to see me through til payday, and out of principal I fund my side of the families presents so I think he should do the same. This has escalated into something huge, and he thinks I'm being totally unreasonable, and is now not speaking to me.
Am i being just being stubborn? I really think he is the one BU.

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 16/05/2018 12:05

He sounds just like my emotionally abusive ex. He had a much better job than me and loads of savings, I took a big pay cut to move with him when he changed jobs so my finances were tight. He would always spring bills on me or expect me to pay in shops unexpectedly and then get really shitty with me when I said “sorry, I don’t have enough for that this month”.

Only after I left him and read a lot about abusive relationships did I realise it was a form of control and he was manipulating me into a situation where my finances were difficult so that he could reinforce his superiority.

With my current partner I earn twice as much as him so I try to contribute twice as much to bills, holidays, presents etc. so that he is not left short.

OP I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable but I don’t think this man will change. The best advice I can give you is to try and build some savings of your own so you have money in reserve if you need it.

AltheaorDonna · 16/05/2018 12:09

Oh sweetheart, please don’t waste four more years of your precious life on this mean horrible man. Get back to work, dump his sorry arse, and start a new life where you can have the freedom to meet someone who treats you like an equal. He is treating you with contempt, please open your eyes.

Wheresthebeach · 16/05/2018 12:11

Go back to work full time now. Get on your feet.
Costs should be covered to reflect income - tell him that's what's going to happen from now on. You need to stand your ground on it and look after yourself.

Ideally - leave the abusive twat.

Snipples · 16/05/2018 12:11

OP this man is taking you for a fool and it's just so sad to read. People are very quick to label behavior as abusive on mn which can seem a bit dramatic at times but the reality is that he has the funds to live like a king while making the mother of his child veg for scraps at the same time. It's just not on.

I'd think very seriously about leaving this man. He doesn't respect you or see you as an equal if he treats you like this.

ImSoExhausted · 16/05/2018 12:12

@Feb2018Mumma what.the.hell. As if your husband treats you like that. Why on earth is money not pooled and shared so each person has equal? You're in a marriage, not mates getting rounds in at the pub. Utterly bizarre

OrchidInTheSun · 16/05/2018 12:13

After five years o job maker, you won't have a career to go back to. Go back now. And I see he's put more of the money into the mortgage and he's paying it (plus maintenance costs) so that you won't have a claim on the house and your money goes on other stuff.

God he's really played you

OrchidInTheSun · 16/05/2018 12:13

FFS 5 years out of the jobs market!

Doingreat · 16/05/2018 12:15

He is a stingy selfish man. Leave him with his fat wad of cash. Let him hug his money tight. He deserves to be lonely. You deserve to be happy and not have to scrimp and save.

He's not a nice person OP. And if I have learnt anything about relationships it's that the first rule of relationships is that you mut be nice to each other. As simplistic as that sounds it's my new motto.

ajandjjmum · 16/05/2018 12:15

If I were you I would get back to work asap, share the cost of childcare, and concentrate on keeping my career going for when DS is at school.

snewname · 16/05/2018 12:18

Well he's shot himself in the foot because now he can't refuse to contribute to your side of the family kids.

However this is the straw that broke the camels back. You are now forced to confront the reality you were trying to hide from.

ellsbells2 · 16/05/2018 12:18

Would you show him this thread? He sounds awful and I wonder if he realise how unusual and horrid his behaviour is?

Loore · 16/05/2018 12:19

I agree with PP about your partner.

So far as the present goes I wouldn't raise it again, if an issue is made of it when you see his family let them know you have no money and he wouldn't give you any to buy the present when you asked.

TheMonkeyMummy · 16/05/2018 12:25

I am an expat wife and meet many trailing spouses who are in the same boat as you.

He is being VVVVV unreasonable. What are his reasons for not marrying you? Do you love him? Does he love you? Would you both like more children? Either, you are committed to building a family together as a couple or you aren't. There is no middle ground.

To be completely honest, I would do what I could to continue being able to spend time with DS until he starts school. My kids really have benefited from having me at home when I gave up my job, and (IMO) part time work is the perfect balance with a young family. But if you do not see any future (which it sounds like you don't) then start getting your ducks in a row...

I am a SAHM with four kids and completely dependent on DH, we have no savings BUT I know he would look after his kids at the very least if things went wrong. That said, I am slowly building up my own business that hopefully when the youngest starts school in 18 months, I will be able to sustain us, should anything terrible happen.

Sadly, this is a perfect example of why now, we women still cannot have it all...

DPotter · 16/05/2018 12:26

I really appreciate you want to spend time with your DS, however I have to join the chorus of others saying get back to full time ASAP.

From the outside looking in, this relationship doesn't look like it will withstand another 3-4 years before your DS goes to school and to be honest with you, school hours don't enable full time working anyway, you will need wrap around care, especially if you have a commute to factor in. Also the longer you leave it, the more difficult it gets to re-enter the full time job market and get back to the same level you were at before you went on maternity leave.

So find a lovely child minder / nursery, get a cleaner, get him paying half and set up a joint account that you both pay into, in proportion to your earnings for bills and other things, like family Christmas and birthday presents. Take control, and keep up with the contraception

DarklyDreamingDexter · 16/05/2018 12:26

Oh dear, I think you have bigger problems than his nephew's present. (Wash your hands of it, leave that completely to him). As others have said, he's showing his true colours and it really doesn't bode well for the future. Take steps to protect yourself now.

combatbarbie · 16/05/2018 12:27

If you worked full time would you be on a similar amount to him? Is the mortgage joint?

If you can earn same then I would def be going back full time, going 50/50 on all bills and start building up your savings, it sounds like you may need them.

Fruitcorner123 · 16/05/2018 12:28

Let me guess, he doesn't believe in marriage as 'it's only a bit of paper' but still insisted on your DS having his surname??.............. This, only he doesn't believe in marriage 'as it can all go wrong in so many ways' I.e his money will be touched

juells and another poster have thought the same as me. Read the post from the woman who has been abandoned after 12 years. You are not married to him and he is keeping his money sepefate from you. He doesnt love and respect you enough to share it. I try to avoid sayong LTB but if you are going to stay you need to get thi gs to change. Otherwise you will end up with nothing and no savings and responsible for your DS. Assuming the mortgage isn't in your name you wont be entitled to any of that.

LagunaBubbles · 16/05/2018 12:29

This is something I find really unatractive and had i known all of this before DS came along - (was a very quick unexpected pregnancy) I can say 100% I would have walked

You still can. This relationship sounds awful, so sorry but I will never stop being amazed at people sharing children, homes, beds, lives, bodily fluids etc etc...yet not money. How can someone who says they love someone be happy knowing the other person is struggling for money? Just how?

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2018 12:29

Would you show him this thread? He sounds awful and I wonder if he realise how unusual and horrid his behaviour is?

NO! Don't show him this thread! It will not suddenly make him turn into a reasonable human being.

And sadly, it doesn't seem that it's that unusual either...

OP, don't do anything rash, start getting copies of paperwork if you can (if he's that minted he can pay for your DC) and if you have any chance of getting legal advice, please get some.

combatbarbie · 16/05/2018 12:30

And do not buy his dn's present

expatinscotland · 16/05/2018 12:31

This man is a weapons grade cunt. There is so much wrong with this situation. You don't have the luxury of staying at home until your son is in school because you are very vulnerable financially.

ThreeLeggedCat · 16/05/2018 12:35

OP, we do something similar in that we have separate accounts into which our wages go into. We then transfer some of our wages (a proportionate amount according to how much we each earn) into the joint account and this pays for everything for house/bills/kids. I work part time, so earn less than he does. So it can work, but the difference is that if I say I haven’t got enough money for something, he will just hand me his card, wouldn’t even question what it was that I was spending it on (i.e. for me or the kids, or something completely random). So although technically we have our own accounts aswell as a joint account, we happily use each other’s accounts if we need to (he has short term memory issues so will often lose his bank card, so will just use mine or the joint card).

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 16/05/2018 12:37

Sometimes I think the CSA should get involved when the parents are still living together. The number of m7ms who struggle along whilst the fathers of their children live like single men

crunchymint · 16/05/2018 12:40

Yes this is the new supposed equality. Women support themselves and often their kids, even though they earn much less than the father. The father lives like a single man.
In a healthy relationship you both want each other and your kids to be happy. So you make sure that if there is any money after the bills are paid, that you both have an equal amount to spend as you want on yourself.

LaGattaNera · 16/05/2018 12:50

Wow OP he sounds horrible Flowers

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