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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not pay for the present

278 replies

bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 10:44

I will try not to drip feed but at the same time try not to overload with useless info.

I have been with DP and I have a 1 year old ds, we have been together 2 years.
Money is a bit of a strange situation to some, DP likes to keep his very separate, has a lot tucked away in a savings account & would never disclose how much. I don't ask, this was his before we met.
Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

It is his nephews 1st birthday on Friday. This is the only other child on that side of the family other than our DS - I however have 5 nieces and nephews.

I asked DP if he would like me to go and choose a birthday present, pick up a card etc as he is working all week, and if so could he transfer the money into my account as I don't get my wages for another 2 weeks and after my cars tax bill this month I don't have alot spare. Now I don't begrudge paying for Dns present as I do see them as our family rather than his, but when it comes to my families bday/xmas presents I fund these from my own wages and DP will not contribute a penny to helping me out, I therefore save myself throughout the year ready for when xmas arrives.

DP looked horrified that I'd asked him to send the money over and asked 'well where's your money?' I explained I only have enough in my account now to see me through til payday, and out of principal I fund my side of the families presents so I think he should do the same. This has escalated into something huge, and he thinks I'm being totally unreasonable, and is now not speaking to me.
Am i being just being stubborn? I really think he is the one BU.

OP posts:
Booie09 · 17/05/2018 05:18

It just goes to show some people's priorities! He's willing to bring a child into the world with you but not disclose how much money he has, what the hell is wrong with people. What's he like in other situations does he pay all the bills etc or do you pay some?

alreadytaken · 17/05/2018 06:30

You've been with this man 2 years, you have a one year old child. So 3 months into the relationship you became pregnant. My guess, from your reluctance to answer, is that he wasnt too happy to be having a child but reluctantly took on responsibility. However he is punishing you financially because he didnt really want a child.

You want to be home with your child, you dont want to work so you wont leave, although you know this will continue and you'll find it more difficult to return to work later. You want us to produce a magic way to make him change and that isnt going to happen.

Write him a letter, suggest mediation if you want - start planning your exit anyway. He's 32 and he is unlikely to change.

He11y · 17/05/2018 06:58

We have separate accounts but split the bills proportionally. Well, we actually worked it that he has more disposable income than me because he’s better with money and saves it, whereas I spend what I have, but that was a joint decision! However, a couple of years back, DH started earning more and we went over the threshold for tax credits so my income (which included the tax credits) went down as his went up. We couldn’t be bothered to work it all out again so he just transfers what so much to me every month by standing order to rebalance it.

I’d tell your partner to do one but, as you don’t want to do that and he doesn’t want to take on more bills, would he be more amenable to transferring a monthly amount until you’re back in full time work?

Merryoldgoat · 17/05/2018 07:12

Please just leave him. You know he won’t change and you’ll be living a life of begging and justification for the rest of your relationship.

A normal and decent man just wouldn’t behave like this. Don’t give your child this dreadful example of what a relationship is like.

Roussette · 17/05/2018 07:35

bannana You're only young (I have DDs your age and over) and I honestly think he isn't going to change. You need to tackle him once more but next time, be prepared so he doesn't tie you up in knots with one word answers. Make some notes from this thread of all you want to say and if necessary refer to them when you talk to him.

When I was on maternity leave my DH was so generous, if I was a bit short, all he would say was "just tell me how much you need... £500? £1,000? More?" That is what it should be like.

Also, you should know exactly how much your DH has in savings. Make this a condition of your final chat with him, and make sure he provides written proof of how much, not just him saying verbally.

When we planned to marry, we sat down and talked about how much we each had and even now, decades later, our finances, savings etc are completely transparent to each other. I could not be with a tightwad, I dated one once and it was so wearing and demoralising.

As for this...
"We don't have to be like everyone else"

Translated that means... "we don't have to be like the others in marriages where husbands treat their DWs as equals and are generous and kind"

Tinkobell · 17/05/2018 07:46

I think it's very easy for posters to say to the OP in a breath....just leave him! OP we've heard nothing about what drew you to this guy, any positive or redeeming qualities that he has, what made you decide to set up family with him. I'm assuming he does have a nice side?
I agree this behaviour is really really worrying, mean hearted, neglectful and uber controlling. But I happen to think mediation is worth a go.

His view of money sharing is just plain wrong. But to start the thread from "he won't pay for nephews present to I'm packing up and leaving" in less than a day is unreal.

Rosielily · 17/05/2018 07:48

You say you're on the mortgage, but who owns the house? And if joint, in what shares?

RLOU88 · 17/05/2018 07:51

Joint tenants would own equal shares. Tenants in common would own different shares- do you know what the house was brought in, OP?

Brakebackcyclebot · 17/05/2018 07:55

No doubt he has as nice side - which he produces when necessary to keep OP invested in the relationship. OP, if you Google "cycle of abuse, do you recognise anything?

OP only you know what you really want. Ask yourself those difficult questions. What does your gut say?

expatinscotland · 17/05/2018 08:03

'just leave him! OP we've heard nothing about what drew you to this guy, any positive or redeeming qualities that he has, what made you decide to set up family with him. I'm assuming he does have a nice side?'

She has already explained several times that it was a 'fun' new relationship that got serious too fast because she got pregnant about 3 months after they became an item and she felt compelled to make a go of setting up a family with him and that if she hadn't become pregnant she'd have walked.

Lordamighty · 17/05/2018 08:24

This is such a sad thread. To be young & with a baby & being treated so shabbily. I do hope some of the comments on here have given you a wake up call OP. Both you & your child deserve someone better than this in your lives.

Firesuit · 17/05/2018 08:25

Ignoring the big picture here, my feeling is that any relationship with separate money where one has to ask the other for ad hoc amounts of money is a bad idea, it's a breeding ground for conflict.

Who pays for what needs to be governed by a fair and agreed set of rules.

In this case, the issue of presents for non-immediate family appears not to be governed by rules. But there is precedent that he has set. He doesn't pay for her relatives, so she doesn't pay for his. So that's the issue of who pays settled.

Second, even if she is in the role of part-SAHP who makes the greater non-financial contribution, there are lots of grey areas where rules need only be established as they come up. She can withdraw her offer to sort out the present and leave it as his responsibility.

BringBiscuits · 17/05/2018 08:35

He sounds awful. He has money stashed away and is earning a nice salary while you are left struggling. I’d be wondering where he sees your relationship going if he can’t see that your money is shared. Why would he need to keep savings secret from you if he saw your relationship being long term?

Original poster
bannanahammock · 17/05/2018 08:59

alreadytaken It was the other way round really, when I found out I was pregnant it wasn't all sunshine and flowers, I was scared, reserved, and we sat down and talked about not going through with it all. It was him that said he wanted to make a go of this as a unit of 3. He didn't pressure me at all and we had lots of very level headed conversations before we decided how we would work it all out.
Of course there are many reasons I got with him in the first place, he isn't controlling in any other way, our biggest issue is money and the lack of trust he clearly doesn't have with me.
This thread really was just about the present as I know money is a sensitive area in our relationship, I don't want my emotions to take over in situations like this which is why I asked for advice.
I haven't all of a sudden realised I want to LTB, I realised a long time ago this isn't a relationship I can see working going forward. But I am trying to do everything I can and have every conversation with him I need to, so if and when the day comes I leave, I can at least know I tried my best to make it work considering the odds were always against us.

OP posts:
Original poster
bannanahammock · 17/05/2018 09:04

I am now on the deeds of the house, on the mortgage and tenants in common with different shares. trying to answer all your questions! x

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 17/05/2018 09:36

Have you ever given him a reason to doubt your financial responsibility? Racked up or hidden a debt.....anything like that? He needs to really rationalise or justify his fear and distrust to you, because unless there's something you're not telling, it makes no sense.
To all the posters out there saying "just leave" ....would OP have a alternative and reliable roof over her head for her and her child?
Some poster suggested he is punishing you financially as he may not have wanted the child....this is a ridiculous leap to make!!!
He has said he will always make sure you and Your DC will be ok. This is a empty broad brush remark that could mean everything or bloody nothing......he needs to come good on this remark with actions and not just words.

crunchymint · 17/05/2018 09:39

Tinkobell It makes perfect sense. He gets to keep lots of his money. Yes this is abusive, but sadly not uncommon.

Original poster
bannanahammock · 17/05/2018 09:39

DPotter I get on really well with his parents, they're lovely. But I don't think we have the sort of relationship I could sit and discuss all of this. I'm originally from NIreland, I'm not sure DP would come back with me so would be me and DS.

OP posts:
thecatsarecrazy · 17/05/2018 10:32

This is financial abuse. I went into marriage with savings my husband had none. But we became a partnership when we got married. He keeps a small amout of money so he can pay for Christmas or birthdays or the like. Anything else is joint. I don't understand how people live like this.

Beaverhausen · 17/05/2018 10:38

A relationship should be 50/50 whether long term or short term.

When I moved in with my DP I became a stay at home mom, my DD is not his but he takes care of us and never questions anything. His money is our money as far as he sees it.

OP by the sounds of it you know deep down that you need to get out, it is not a healthy environment. And no matter how much you try and sugar coat it, he is not the man for you.

We can not tell you what to do, it has to be your choice. But things are never going to change. Your best option is to either go back into full time employment and stick to what looks like a very one sided relationship or move on and find someone more compatible to you. Who will support you in every sense without you having to beg for money.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 17/05/2018 10:53

You poor thing. Is it just the money making you think it can’t work long term?

Or is there other factors at play

Original poster
bannanahammock · 17/05/2018 11:19

It really is mostly down to money.
In my eyes an ideal relationship would be as many of you have said, where he gives me more support and just a bit of flexibility rather than me asking for money like a child needing pocket money and being questioned to the point I just give up and go without.
We have the same hobbies, same interests, same outlook on a lot of things, but the money is where he just shuts down.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 17/05/2018 11:25

Does he have many friends who are coupled up with kids? I just wonder where the hell he gets his ideas from? Does he realise that his modus operandi is grossly abnormal and that most couples don't operate like this at all?
I'd certainly get back to work full time.
Does he love you? Has he told you that he loves you?
TBH, if there's any motivation to resolve this only loving someone and wanting to love someone and what you've got will see it through. Without that, pointless.

OrchidInTheSun · 17/05/2018 12:22

You don't treat someone you love like this Tink, no matter what they tell you

ScrubTheDecks · 17/05/2018 12:42

OP, I know you have said you are on the mortgage, but are you on the deeds? Is there something, overseen by a solicitor, that documents how much of the house you own and how much you put in, if you put in capital?

About the present: must be very calm and resolute. "I am offering to help you by picking up the present. I can't afford to pay for it. Let me know, yes or no, whether you want to give me the money to get on with it". And take no notice of his sulking and tantrumming and not talking to you. Water off a ducks back, go about your normal business. Be pleasant / civil, but don't offer anything to try and appease him.