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No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

(784 Posts)
fikit Wed 16-May-18 00:35:10

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

Userplusnumbers Wed 16-May-18 00:37:02

I'd tell them to fuck right off OP. If they're that bothered about the children being there, they can arrange transport.

CircleSquareCircleSquare Wed 16-May-18 00:39:13

You’re busy that evening, aren’t you?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Wed 16-May-18 00:40:06

I don’t think anybody should ask you, of all people, to do anything for the kids to be at the wedding. He wants them there, he bloody sort how himself.

What a cheek to ask you to collect from reception. You are lad far more consideration given the circumstances.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 16-May-18 00:40:44

Can somebody else not collect them for you? To be honest I think if they are going they are his responsibility on the day. It's all very hurtful, OP.

Jozxyqk Wed 16-May-18 00:41:05

It's their wedding, they sort transport. You will be busy having a nice day doing xxx on your own / with friends / whatever.

They are a family of CFs asking you to do it! Say NO, that doesn't work for you.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Wed 16-May-18 00:41:21

Lad = owed

BackToTheFuschia7 Wed 16-May-18 00:42:24

Definitely not your place to take them there. Spare yourself that, it’s the least you deserve!

Do the DC want to go? Are they old enough to have their say? It’s not just about whether he wants them there.

Puffycat Wed 16-May-18 00:42:26

Aw that’s a crappy one OP. My first instinct is to say fuck off! But......
We have to be grown up here.
Your choices are take your Dd’s N pick them up (humph)
Or say sorry we’re busy (fuck off)
Either way you’ve got to be cool about the whole thing and not let your girls see your upset

Queenoftheblitz Wed 16-May-18 00:42:57

I think it's tasteless to invite the dds when you've only be split for one year.
Unless the dds are ok with the split and like the fiance?
And no you shouldn't be transporting them to this wedding.

Butterymuffin Wed 16-May-18 00:44:59

For someone who really wants them there, he's done precisely nothing so far to make that happen. Tell his mum you won't be able to do that but you're open to suggestions about how they could sort out the transport etc. (She can take them in a taxi, surely? How is she getting there?)

Noqonterfy Wed 16-May-18 00:45:11

Say no, that doesn't work for you. They want the girls there, they sort it out.

pallisers Wed 16-May-18 00:45:21

Tell his mother that despite his behaviour, you wouldn't dream of refusing to let his children go to his wedding. In fact they can have the dds for the entire weekend.

If she says that doesn't suit, then say "well fine then you can pick them up and drop them off. I'm afraid I have other things to do that weekend and my ex husband's wedding is naturally not my priority. If ex wants them there, I'm sure he'll figure it out"

Interesting that he has his mother sorting out his shit isn't it. you are well rid, OP.

And tbh I think MNHQ should make your post a sticky for all the women living with men for whom "but marriage is just a bit of paper"

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Wed 16-May-18 00:45:53

Pufficat, she doesn’t have to be grown up about it, because that has nothing to do with growing up.

What you are asking her there is to be a doormat to enable exh and ow to have a lovely day. Should she go and iron the OW’s dress, do her make up? Wtf?

Grown up my arse.

Battleax Wed 16-May-18 00:46:02

Sadly, it doesn’t seem to be that unusual for men who are anti-marriage to do a volte face very quickly in a subsequent relationship.

If you want marriage, insist on it before children next time.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops Wed 16-May-18 00:46:36

How utterly shit for you. MiL might not be able to drive but assuming she can stump up for and arrange to collect and drop off your dds in a taxi, if it means that much to her.

Otherwise, you have birthday plans which Dds are v excited about and would be devastated to have cancelled.

School12345 Wed 16-May-18 00:50:48

Goodness, I wouldn't stand for that.

Ask your daughters if they want to be there to see their dad marry another woman.

If not, say nothing except "I won't be facilitating any aspect of the wedding day - I've already contributed the groom."

Then a few days before, pack your bags and head off somewhere sunny just you and your girls.

Turn your phone off and ignore the bastards.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree Wed 16-May-18 00:56:45

They have to be able to attend the wedding.
How the arrangements are made are nothing to do with you. They need to be collected from and returned to you at a time you agree. The logistics are not your problem.

I agree with Pallisers approach.

YANBU to be hurt and furious.

PyongyangKipperbang Wed 16-May-18 00:57:32

say nothing except "I won't be facilitating any aspect of the wedding day - I've already contributed the groom."

Just this

flowers flowers

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Wed 16-May-18 01:02:06


How old are the kids?

Tell him to fuck off.

Is this wedding on his time? If it is- tell him to arrange his own transport. You are their mother not their chauffeur. That is, if you agree. Otherwise Fuck Off.

If not and the kids know about this wedding and have been involved then consider their feelings re. this. If they have no cognisance of the event and no expectations: Fuck Off.

In any respect- tell your ex-MIL to Fuck Off.

You are not a fricking babysitier, you are their mother. This has obviously hurt your feelings and I don't blame you.

There does come a time when you break up with someone that you have to draw a line in the sand as to where you will tolerate their behaviour. Then it is Fuck Off time. For taking advantage, taking the piss, not respecting you as the mother of his kids and then just taking the piss again.

(I recently posted a similar thread, but not as close to home as yours is- it ended with the text 'fuck off'. It worked.)

Boooommm Wed 16-May-18 01:02:47

absolutely listen to pallister.

thegreatbeyond Wed 16-May-18 01:04:59

I have to admit that I wouldn't be interested in 'being the bigger person' in this case. I would take my kids on holiday and he can fuck himself.

fikit Wed 16-May-18 01:05:22

Wow - I’ve been off having a self indulgent sniffle and came back to all of you!

DDs are 6 and 4. DD2 doesn’t like the fiancé but she’s a little madam at times so I don’t think it’s borne of any true dislike, just trademark naughtiness. DD1 is incredibly perceptive and has said that she doesn’t want to go if it upsets me. They are a part of the wedding as they’ll be the only flower girls so it will be very obvious that the bitch ex woman is keeping his children away.

The wedding is about 50 miles away and his mother is elderly so I don’t want her taking the round trip especially late at night, and I won’t sent the girls in a taxi, or with someone I don’t know alone.

As for the comment re marriage, DD1 was a bit of a late surprise (i carry small and wasn’t TTC) so a wedding pre sprogs would have been a touch difficult to arrange! In all seriousness, I was never too concerned about marriage, it wasn’t until recently that I started to wonder what on Earth kind of voodoo I didn’t manage in twelve years that some other lucky sod turned around in six months!

In all seriousness, please please, more suggestions as to how to deal with whole situation as very lost about life right now.

Graphista Wed 16-May-18 01:06:20

I had a similar experience.

Ask your girls if they want to go.

If they do its up to ex to arrange suitable transport and supervision. That does NOT involve you having to go to their bloody reception!

I did return to exs home county to facilitate but other than that as pps.

My ex collected dd and ex mil returned her in a taxi later that day, not difficult.

BedtimeTea Wed 16-May-18 01:08:27

Well that is a shame for the ex as you and the girls have plans to be away for the entire week-end celebrating your birthday.
(I think you really should go away for the weekend, to some place that you and the girls will really enjoy.)

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