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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for the present

278 replies

bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 10:44

I will try not to drip feed but at the same time try not to overload with useless info.

I have been with DP and I have a 1 year old ds, we have been together 2 years.
Money is a bit of a strange situation to some, DP likes to keep his very separate, has a lot tucked away in a savings account & would never disclose how much. I don't ask, this was his before we met.
Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

It is his nephews 1st birthday on Friday. This is the only other child on that side of the family other than our DS - I however have 5 nieces and nephews.

I asked DP if he would like me to go and choose a birthday present, pick up a card etc as he is working all week, and if so could he transfer the money into my account as I don't get my wages for another 2 weeks and after my cars tax bill this month I don't have alot spare. Now I don't begrudge paying for Dns present as I do see them as our family rather than his, but when it comes to my families bday/xmas presents I fund these from my own wages and DP will not contribute a penny to helping me out, I therefore save myself throughout the year ready for when xmas arrives.

DP looked horrified that I'd asked him to send the money over and asked 'well where's your money?' I explained I only have enough in my account now to see me through til payday, and out of principal I fund my side of the families presents so I think he should do the same. This has escalated into something huge, and he thinks I'm being totally unreasonable, and is now not speaking to me.
Am i being just being stubborn? I really think he is the one BU.

OP posts:
IggyAce · 16/05/2018 10:48

Yanbu, his family he sorts out presents. With his reaction I'd never offer to help again.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/05/2018 10:49

So let me gets this straight. He's got wads of dosh sitting in banks and he doesn't put his hand in his pocket, yet you're struggling and you're expected to

I'm pleased to present him with the CF of the year award.

Feb2018mumma · 16/05/2018 10:50

Don't give in! He sounds like my husband! He bought dinner the other day and said I should buy him a drink to say thank you, I said I had no money and he said neither did he, bought drink and said well that cost me 9 pound as 3 pound and 6 pound overdraft and he was in shock! He thought no money meant I had to use savings or something! No to me no money means none! Maybe explain that to get present would put you on overdraft? Sometimes people can assume we are all in the same situation and not realize that no money means no money!

bridgetreilly · 16/05/2018 10:50

He is being massively unreasonable and not just about the present.

MadMags · 16/05/2018 10:52

What’s his argument?

Justmuddlingalong · 16/05/2018 10:52

Jeez. His true colours are really showing now, aren't they?

Trinity66 · 16/05/2018 10:53

Are you living only off your part time job while looking after his child to save on childcare and he keeps all his own money? Or have I picked that up wrong? Forget the present, that is a much bigger problem here

CurbsideProphet · 16/05/2018 10:55

OP I'm sorry but he really sounds awful. My DP and I aren't married yet and don't have a joint account, but we share our finances and have open discussions.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 16/05/2018 10:56

Ltb and claim half his stash I say.
What kind of dh /df let's his life partner struggle on when raising his dc?!!

PinkHeart5914 · 16/05/2018 10:57

So how does paying for your housing/food for your child etc work? How do your finances work? Does he pay all rent/mortgage & household bills and you buy presents? I’m just thinking of he is so tight with presents what must it be like for you getting money for everyday items out of him!

His got savings, your in a relationship have a child together a life together but you don’t know how much savings. Bloody weird imo.

Since you now only work part time to care for your child, have you ever pushed for a joint account? I mean you only just have enough money and his got mountians of savings wtf?

Don’t buy the present say you can’t afford it, and that’s the end of it unless he transfers you money before you go to the shop

userabcname · 16/05/2018 10:57

Yanbu. Either your money is joint and you have access to savings etc. or it's separate and he sorts his own family out. Sounds like he wants it all his way, which is totally unreasonable and selfish.

pudcat · 16/05/2018 10:57

Good gracious. You need to have a good review of finances with him. Just what does he pay for? If he refuses then is he the right partner for you? As to his nephew I would now tell your partner that he has to buy the present. He sounds extremely stingy.

CaliforniaDream · 16/05/2018 10:57

The present is just the tip of the iceberg here OP. You have a kid together and you're working part time to save childcare costs - and he's squirrelling away money and begrudging you money for HIS relatives?

Red flag red flag red flag. I think you need a really frank discussion about your finances and shared income because this situation seems insane.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 16/05/2018 10:57

Yet another example of why you shouldn't have kids and not have the security of marriage.

HollowTalk · 16/05/2018 10:58

Forget the present... You have a huge problem re money and you're putting your head in the sand. You've gone part-time to facilitate him. He's saving that money. Honestly, you need a reality check here, OP.

FizzyWizzyFlash · 16/05/2018 10:58

This has really annoyed me to the point that I can't give you any constructive. The need to just swear at your OH is really overwhelming.

Instead I'll just say he is being very very very stupidly arseholey nob Job unreasonable. Angry

I was in the same situation mineywise and I fucking sorted my OH out. But it took a lot of hard work and it felt very fucking degrading at times.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 10:58

Let me guess, he doesn't believe in marriage as 'it's only a bit of paper' but still insisted on your DS having his surname??

bookmum08 · 16/05/2018 10:58

You call him your 'partner' and have a child together yet he appears to still be living as a single guy. You need to tell him that you may not be married but you are a Family and must live as one. Have separate bank accounts if you want but money should be for all of you because you are a family.

alreadytaken · 16/05/2018 11:00

Is this CF supporting you and/or his child at all because he sounds really tight? He is BVU andnot talking to you is very childish.

Luisa27 · 16/05/2018 11:00

He sounds really horrid.

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 11:00

Justmuddlingalong - they really are. This is something I find really unatractive and had i known all of this before DS came along - (was a very quick unexpected pregnancy) I can say 100% I would have walked.

feb2018 they sound very similar.

His argument is.... where is your money. I said, I don't have to justify every penny that leaves my account, as I don't question yours. I have enough to keep the family going with the bills I will need to pay over the next two weeks and thats it.

It does really upset me when xmas comes around, or like in feb it was three of my nephews bdays, and his answer is tell everyone you're skint and can't afford presents this year.

OP posts:
KitanaKay · 16/05/2018 11:00

Sorry OP but his attitude is unforgivable. Definitely don’t pay for the present but I agree there is a bigger issue here.

HollowTalk · 16/05/2018 11:01

Yet another example of why you shouldn't have kids and not have the security of marriage.

Exactly! I was thinking the other day how I used to think people were old-fashioned for suggesting this, but my god, when I realise how disastrous it is for women (generally) to do this, I would always recommend marriage first.

Do you realise, OP, that if he left you, you'd be left with your part-time income and some child support and that's it?

Peanutbuttercups21 · 16/05/2018 11:01

there is a bigger problem than the present for the nephew....

This is not a partnership, this is a a person who does NOT see you as a partner, but is just looking out for himself. Why live with someone so mean-spirited and just plain mean (and selfish!!!)

Oysterbabe · 16/05/2018 11:04

You really, really should have married him before having children. As things stand, I would go back to work full time and make sure you do not need to rely on him financially at all. What's your living situation?

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