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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset/concerned about new preschool helper and DS's dummy!

190 replies

flightattendant · 17/05/2007 17:11

I am feeling a bit disturbed after preschool this morning.
When I collected DS he was in tears about something - unrelated to this - and being cuddled by one of the helpers I'd never met before. I think she's been there a few weeks.
He ran to me and I held him, then she walked up to me and stood with her face about 10" away from mine (I had to back away, but couldn't really without being obvious) and started to say,
'He was really a good boy yesterday, he put his dummy in his pocket and didn't try and get it out again'.
I've never discussed with anyone there, DS's (occasional) use of a dummy, although the usual ladies are aware and supportive of his bottle, which he still takes most days - it was one thing which helped him through the tough 'settling in' he went through in January.
I replied to her, 'Er - he is allowed to have a dummy. I don't mind it'.
She said then, 'I couldn't understand what he was saying'.
I said 'Fair point', but at this stage was wondering what exactly this woman had said to him - I know a lot of people have a problem with dummies, and we get well-meaning shop assistants telling him he's too big for it now, etc, which I can usually dismiss when I'm there so he isn't affected.
But I do think this woman is strange, and what's more I resent the way she is trying to impose some rule onto him - it's not her place to do that. I don't give a stuff if he needs something to comfort him when I can't be there...even if he is almost four.

Don't know why it wound me up so much.
Just needed to vent!

OP posts:

heifer · 17/05/2007 17:34

Sorry YABU (IMO)

How long were you planning on letting him have a bottle and a dummy for? until he goes to school? ... I am sure they won't allow it...

Also don't understand why you hadn't discussed with anyone about the dummy beforehand as I am sure most teachers at preschool would ask children to take out dummy if parents hadn't already said it was ok etc.. How can he communicate with the teachers and children if he has that in his mouth?

Re the woman, it sounds as though you just don't like her (which I understand can happen easily enough) but at least she was cudding him when he needed it...

DeviousDaffodil · 17/05/2007 17:40

How old is DS?

lulumama · 17/05/2007 17:42

not really up to the preschool lady to decide her DS is too old for a dummy....but i think it would be good to get him out of the habit now, but you can discuss that with them and get a plan together, rather than it being taken off him

happybiggirl · 17/05/2007 17:42

Message withdrawn

princessmel · 17/05/2007 17:46

Maybe she just wanted to help him to not use the dummy at pre school. Not her place to do that without your say so though so maybe you are not being unreasonable.

frogs · 17/05/2007 17:48

Ermm, there is quite a bit of research linking extended dummy use to speech problems. The general consensus is that children should be discouraged from talking with the dummy in, ie. should be encouraged to remove it during waking hours, ie. when they are likely to be talking.

I think the preschool worker is right to gently encourage him to take it out and keep it out while he is there.

JARM · 17/05/2007 17:49

WRT dummy, we had a few issues with Jessi for a few weeks at preschool.
They prefer her not to have it, and try "distraction" techniques instead, but if a child is upset they will let them have it.

Jessi is 2.9 btw, and after a few weeks, she doesnt even take it school anymore, but still likes the comfort of it at home.

YANBU in my opinion

Lizzylou · 17/05/2007 17:51

Personally I think almost 4 is way too old for a dummy and a bottle and that this preschool helper was well-meaning (and also comforting your DS).

I do think you are being unreasonable, sorry.

I do understand how hard some children find settling in to preschool, and how heartbreaking that can be for the parents and the child, but I honestly think phasing out the dummy and bottle can only be a good thing.

lulumama · 17/05/2007 17:51

phase it out, but with discussion with his mum first !!

Original poster

flightattendant · 17/05/2007 17:51

Oh dear. sorry then.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 17/05/2007 17:52

YABU she was being helpful, he has to give it up soon and he shouldn't have it at preschool at all imo, how is he supposed to learn the rhymes and songs if he has a dummy in his mouth. And if he has it all the other lo's will want them too.
My dd is 3.3 and has a dummy at night still so I do understand how attached they can be.

glassslipper · 17/05/2007 17:53

you have 2 issues here.

1 is dummy use which is yours to deal with.

2 is preschool worker who you need to build a relationship with. use this as an opportunity to develop a communication with her,

amateurmum · 17/05/2007 17:53

I don't think it was unreasonable of her to try to persuade him to remove dummy at nearly 4.

However, do think the way she spoke to you seems unnecessarily abrupt. There would definitely be a better way to approach it with you, especially as she is new and doesn't know either you or him too well.

misdee · 17/05/2007 17:54

how old is he?

dd1 still had a dummy at 4, but we confined its use when she was at nursery to the car and at home. always amde her remove it when talking as well.

cornsilk · 17/05/2007 17:54

I can understand why the helper wound you up.
Plenty of preschool children still have a dummy and a bottle - not all mums are as honest about it as you are!

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 17/05/2007 17:55

think preschool worker is right tbh. And am surprised they let him have a bottle - my ds' preschool have a designated snack time and IMO 4 yo's are way to old to be still needing a bottle - they're not babies.

I don't think it's wrong for preschools to have certain expectations of children, ie my ds' preschool are now encouraging children to hang up their own coats/put them on/take them off/find their own names. This is all in preparation for when they start school in September where they will just be expected to do these things, and dummies will certainly not be allowed at school.

hatrick · 17/05/2007 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DeviousDaffodil · 17/05/2007 17:56

DS1 still had a dummy at 4 but never took it to nursery or ot of the house.
I know how attached they are to them, but you have to be cruel to be kind and get rid.
It was actually easier than aI thought.

princessmel · 17/05/2007 17:57

Don't blush flightattendant. He's your son and its up to you not her if he has his dummy.
But it probably would be a good idea to encourage him to leave it in his bag or something.

Original poster

flightattendant · 17/05/2007 17:57

Ok, ok!!!!!!!!!!! Message received! Didn't realise how contentious it was.
His speech is fantastic btw, more like a 10yr old - but I suppose I just overidentify - he's going through a hard time expecting his new brother in a couple of weeks, and I suppose occasionally needing a comforter thing seems reasonable to me. Honestly he doesn't have it very much.

It does make me sad the way they're expected to 'grow up' though I know it'll be worse at school.
Going to be lynched in a minute so will shut up now!... PFB emoticon...

OP posts:

Carmenere · 17/05/2007 17:59

sorry for the lynching flightattendant, not meant really

misdee · 17/05/2007 18:00

does he any other comforter, and apeg to keep it in? dd1 blankie made many trips to nursery when she was feeling unsettled. just knowing it was in her bag helped her.

Original poster

flightattendant · 17/05/2007 18:04

Thanks Misdee...no, he hasn't anything, he never did - just progresion from boobies to bottle, dummy was never too significant so not really a big deal actually. I think I was more upset than he was...
What is so bad about dummies though, if his speech is brill? Does it make their teeth stick out? It does get on my nerves when I can't understand him through a mouth full of rubber...
BTW Misdee, while I've got you here, how is a Ziko Frankie different to an Alfie? Just thought you might know being MN High Queen of Prams!!

OP posts:

Lizzylou · 17/05/2007 18:05

Oh don't feel embarrassed, DS1 (3)has his moments of being really babyish (only eating his meals whilst sat on my lap etc) when he's feeling insecure about DS2 etc and expecting a new brother is a big thing.

If you can help him phase the dummy and bottle out before his new brother arrives (congrats on impending arrival btw) then that can only be a good thing. This preschool helper does sound helpful and like she genuinely cares, I would try and get to know her more.

SaintGeorge · 17/05/2007 18:14

We told DS1 that you were only allowed 2 dummies per house, so when DS2 came along he would have to let the new baby have his.

Worked like a charm. We did have to dissuade him from shoving his dummy into DS2's mouth when he was about 2 hours old though.

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