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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset/concerned about new preschool helper and DS's dummy!

190 replies

flightattendant · 17/05/2007 17:11

I am feeling a bit disturbed after preschool this morning.
When I collected DS he was in tears about something - unrelated to this - and being cuddled by one of the helpers I'd never met before. I think she's been there a few weeks.
He ran to me and I held him, then she walked up to me and stood with her face about 10" away from mine (I had to back away, but couldn't really without being obvious) and started to say,
'He was really a good boy yesterday, he put his dummy in his pocket and didn't try and get it out again'.
I've never discussed with anyone there, DS's (occasional) use of a dummy, although the usual ladies are aware and supportive of his bottle, which he still takes most days - it was one thing which helped him through the tough 'settling in' he went through in January.
I replied to her, 'Er - he is allowed to have a dummy. I don't mind it'.
She said then, 'I couldn't understand what he was saying'.
I said 'Fair point', but at this stage was wondering what exactly this woman had said to him - I know a lot of people have a problem with dummies, and we get well-meaning shop assistants telling him he's too big for it now, etc, which I can usually dismiss when I'm there so he isn't affected.
But I do think this woman is strange, and what's more I resent the way she is trying to impose some rule onto him - it's not her place to do that. I don't give a stuff if he needs something to comfort him when I can't be there...even if he is almost four.

Don't know why it wound me up so much.
Just needed to vent!

OP posts:
LilyLoo · 17/05/2007 20:32

flight attendant my ds gave his up at 3 dd 2 still has one. Her nursery took same policy and tbh it was with no discussion with us. They just used to put it in her pocket when she arrived and ti stayed there all day. She now puts it in her pocket or gives it us when she arrives and never asks for it all day until we collect her when she gets it out of her pocket. I know the staff think we prob should stop it now but tbh i will stop it when she is ready and not let them dictate when she is ready. I can see where you are coming from in that respect and also share your opinion on the about speech as both mine are fine and my nephew isn't who sucked and still does , his thumb !
TBH i will prob try and wean her at 3 just to try and prepare her for pre school though.

speccy · 17/05/2007 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 20:33

Did ring my mum at one point

OP posts:
Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:33

Franny I don't care cos an NT 9 year old who has SMA and a dummy is sick however you look at it

harpsichordcarrier · 17/05/2007 20:33

actually come to think of it neither of my ds have ever had a comfort object

no bottles
no dummies
no blankies
no stinky toys

which is lucky because you know extended bf makes children clingy and maladjusted

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:35

cost me Lego Robots and a frickin' slide to get DS to give up his nightime bottle at 3 .. almost £100

gess · 17/05/2007 20:35

Because it's not relevant, because I'm busy with my own children, because I'm not looking round wildly for something to disapprove of every time I set foot outside my front dooor????

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:35

rang your mum ROFL

what did you say?

"Mum, a bunch of hobbits in my computer are being rather rude to me"

Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 20:36

Twig - I'd have spent it on something more...how to say without being judgmental?
'necessary'??

OP posts:
niceglasses · 17/05/2007 20:37

"Muummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmummmm...

those girls over there aren't playing nicely"

Did she say hit them back?

Only joshing.

MrsApron · 17/05/2007 20:37

I think that the helper should have discussed it with you first. Bit over zealous perhaps.

I must admit dd1 went through an interested in dummies stage(she has never had one as a baby) at about 2ish. I would humour her for about 10 mins then I would lose it/bin it. She was still bf and I think it was curiousity really so the sucking reflex thing wasn't an issue cos she did still suckle.

I am currently giving myself a hard look because I do think bad things about older kids with dummies and I shouldn't. i have a bf 3yr old fgs.

I think I just can't stand dummies full stop. I don't understand why you would put something in your beautiful childs face to cover it up.

But then I fed on demand so they didn't need to suck on anything else and maybe their sucking reflex isn't as needy. maybe if I had had to bottle feed/had a suckier baby I would have had one. I certainly wouldn't have deprived my baby of something if it gave it comfort.

I will have to think on.

gess · 17/05/2007 20:37

None of mine have had dummies, but ds3 has a blanky and ds1 currently has a baby's telephone toy (with a little mirror on which he likes to look at). He gets disapproving looks when out and about with that (an 8 year old with a baby toy- good grief must mutter about that one- got nothing better to do with my time).

FrannyandZooey · 17/05/2007 20:37

MrsS I am glad my ds's nursery doesn't take the same line as the one you are talking about

they don't see the nursery day as a preparation for school, they see it as trying to provide the best opportunities for play for the age they are now. They care for the children as is suitable for their current age, not based on what they will be expected to do next year if they are going to school.

"If they let one have one they'll all want one"

really? My ds has never wanted a dummy. Why would seeing another 4 year old with a dummy suddenly make him want one?

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:37

achooally .. a slide has proved to be worth its money thrice-over

what do you term necessary? fags and booze I suppose

FrannyandZooey · 17/05/2007 20:38

I rarely find anything about children's behaviour "sick", Twiglett

adults yes

Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 20:39

No...I asked her what she thought. She didn't think it was important to take a small child's attachment object away for no good reason.
She's trained in child psychology and is a Music Therapist. I don't mean that as a 'my mum says so she's right ner ner' but I do respect her very educated opinion...

OP posts:
coppertop · 17/05/2007 20:39

Ds2 is 4 and was a late(ish) talker. He still has bottles at home. His behaviour can be terrible a lot of the time. Ds1 is 6 and was a late talker. He had a bottle at night until the age of around 5.

So, was the late talking and bad behaviour caused by bad/lazy parenting, especially letting them have bottles as such a late age? Or could it possibly be that there was something else going on that onlookers didn't know about?

To the OP I would say that we had some success with swapping ds1's baby bottle for a sports bottle. It might be worth a try for your ds.

MrsApron · 17/05/2007 20:40

HC DD1 has no comfort object at 3 and dd2 hasn't got one at 9 months.

You never know they might take it up though.

niceglasses · 17/05/2007 20:40

Shes dead right pet, dead right.

harpsichordcarrier · 17/05/2007 20:40

I love to see little ones with stinky old toys, I think it is quite sweet.
it;s human to want comfort especially in a stressful environment.
I always see women in pubs and on buses fiddling with their phones, I think that is similar

gess · 17/05/2007 20:40

I agree F&Z- I wanted ds2 to have a dummy (very sore, and wanted to suck all the time) and no chance- he would not take one. No-one leaps for ds3's blanket when they see it (leap away from it I would think).

gess · 17/05/2007 20:41

CT- exactly.

Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 20:41

Twigg, I can imagine, good investment whatever its genesis...

I just don't see why people get SO worked up about their kids having a dummy. that's all. Like it'll scar them for life if occasionally sucked? Just seems like a big fuss about something harmless (in many cases) and innocent.
I dunno.

I'm going to bed.

Night all

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 17/05/2007 20:42

(obviously they do (and did) have a comfort object, it is just that I handily carry it around in my bra for them. at least it stays clean in there)

belgo · 17/05/2007 20:42

I am very surprised at the strength of feeling against dummies - it is the opposite here in Belgium where I live!

ALmost all babies I see here have a dummy, and it is very common to see children up to five years of age with a dummy.

My dds never had dummies (I tried, but they weren't interested in them), and when they started at the creche, I got asked several times did they have one and how did they sleep when they didn't have a dummy, the implication being that they slept badly because they didn't have a dummy.