To be upset/concerned about new preschool helper and DS's dummy!

[flightattendant]

I am feeling a bit disturbed after preschool this morning.
When I collected DS he was in tears about something - unrelated to this - and being cuddled by one of the helpers I'd never met before. I think she's been there a few weeks.
He ran to me and I held him, then she walked up to me and stood with her face about 10" away from mine (I had to back away, but couldn't really without being obvious) and started to say,
'He was really a good boy yesterday, he put his dummy in his pocket and didn't try and get it out again'.
I've never discussed with anyone there, DS's (occasional) use of a dummy, although the usual ladies are aware and supportive of his bottle, which he still takes most days - it was one thing which helped him through the tough 'settling in' he went through in January.
I replied to her, 'Er - he is allowed to have a dummy. I don't mind it'.
She said then, 'I couldn't understand what he was saying'.
I said 'Fair point', but at this stage was wondering what exactly this woman had said to him - I know a lot of people have a problem with dummies, and we get well-meaning shop assistants telling him he's too big for it now, etc, which I can usually dismiss when I'm there so he isn't affected.
But I do think this woman is strange, and what's more I resent the way she is trying to impose some rule onto him - it's not her place to do that. I don't give a stuff if he needs something to comfort him when I can't be there...even if he is almost four.

Don't know why it wound me up so much.
Just needed to vent!

FA

We restricted ds1's dummy for sleeping when he was about 1, and he still has speech problems, so it's hard to say about speech developement - the chances are his would have been slow anyway.

The problem with older children and dummies is that they tend to zone out and glaze over when they have a dummy in their chops - so they aren'#t really paying full attention to their surroundings.

I think she was probably a little incredulous that such an old child is allowed to walk around with a dummy in his mouth, and talk with one in. He will have the other children calling him a baby - as many children his age have younger siblings and this is how mothers get the older ones to leave the younger's dummy alone, by saying "YOu're not a baby, you don't need such a baby thing, you look really sillly with that in your mouth!"

They will repeat this to any large child they see with a dummy, unfortunately.

Hmm.

actually I don't think any of those things about a child with a dummy.
I don't think anything at all tbh, none of my business.
just like I wouldn't expect anyone to "help" me get my child to give up "inappropriate" bf by telling her it was for babies
and I wouldn't try and talk another child out of any sort of comfort object.
or tell someone to stop smoking (oral comforter) or mumsnetting
we all need a little comfort.
it's up to you and your child when you give it up.
noone else's business

When I see an older kid with a dummy I try and give a supportive smile to the mother (older than 4 I mean I wouldn't particulalry notice a 4 year old with one), as I know so many autistic kids who still have dummies at late ages and who get a terrible time from the know-it-all general public, that just in case they're a kindred spirit in an NT world I smile. They probably think I'm a raving loon, or leering at the dummy or something, but I am sending warm vibes.

oh and thumb sucking
NO-ONE ELSE'S BUSINESS
here, borrow my favourite expression

Some very blunt and rude posts here

Flightattendant I don't think it is the nursery's business to tell your son to give up his dummy

it is none of their business IMO

I am sorry people have said such unpleasant things about older children with dummies

some children need the comfort of sucking for longer than others

I know a lot of the things said on here about dummies are the same emotions people have about extended breastfeeding, but it is not PC to say them about breastfeeding

I think people get upset to see dependency in a child

I would encourage your ds to get rid of the dummy if you can think of a way to gently do it, but it isn't anybody else's business if he occasionally has a dummy for comfort

Cross posts with HC

Wow there are a few of us then! hooray...
Anyone read John Bowlby about attachment etc?

harpsichord of course is still breastfeeding her 12 year old

Oh now just stop this. flightattendant has said she sees the error of her ways, in fact she said so ages ago, there is no need to lay out the JUDGING criteria associated with her child comforter.
When LGJ came to my house and saw that my dd had a dummy she said 'oh you kept that quiet on mn' and I replied that is because I couldn't give a flying fuck what ANYONE else thinks of my parenting, and I diddn't keep it quiet just hadn't come accross a thread where it was mentioned.
Dummies are incredibly useful comforters and yes they do have less pluses and more minuses once the child is over three. Flightattendant has taken that on board and doesn't deserve to be mocked.

and franny is a virtual prisoner in her home cos she won't say boo to next door's 5 year old

by the way I don't really get this argument of "they won't be allowed at school"
he's not at school
surely the time to worry about it is when he starts school?? which won't be for another thrree months at least, right

TBH I rarely notice things like dummies as really it isn;t any of my business. I rarely notice lots of things that others on mumsnet seem to get het up about.

yes but she is FUCKING well adjusted Twig

Could I just say flightattendant how well you are handling youself on this thread.

Blimey if I were you I'd be a gibbering wreck on the floor (and probably requesting my old blanky for support)

You haven't done a or a ffs once!!

Personally I don't like seeing older children (ie anyone older than about 12months) with a dummy..I think it makes them look stupid, and their parents look lazy (or too terrified to take it from them).

Obviously that is a judgement based purely on appearances but hey that's what people do.

my two have never had a dummy btw.
though I do let them have the occasional fag.
you know, for comfort.

would agree with harpsichordcarrier there as well. Children change as soon as school peer group pressure kicks in- they don't need their parent to do it (sad I think really- ds2 has changed enormously in reception).

Twiglett I found your post about older children with dummies and bottles making you feel sick rather nasty

I want to say that as well FlightA (are you a Flightattendant??) G&T please then!

Well done for not going all guns on the 'common' 'chav' comments - i would have been livid.........have a slap on the back............

How on earth do you all notice what other children have in their mouths? Very odd.

if you're having a go at me carmenere she asked ..

I expect flightattendant was allowed to wean from her comfort objects at her own pace thus rendering her extremely laid back and hard to unnerve

F & Z, I do think it is the nursery's business. The pre-school my DDs went to specified that dummies were not allowed during the school day. Their reasoning being a) it affects speech b) that yes, they do tend to glaze over when they've got one in! and c) if they let one have one they'll all want one and d) these children are almost of school age - pre-school is preparation for school, therefore, no dummmies, no bottles, no smelly rags etc etc