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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset/concerned about new preschool helper and DS's dummy!

190 replies

flightattendant · 17/05/2007 17:11

I am feeling a bit disturbed after preschool this morning.
When I collected DS he was in tears about something - unrelated to this - and being cuddled by one of the helpers I'd never met before. I think she's been there a few weeks.
He ran to me and I held him, then she walked up to me and stood with her face about 10" away from mine (I had to back away, but couldn't really without being obvious) and started to say,
'He was really a good boy yesterday, he put his dummy in his pocket and didn't try and get it out again'.
I've never discussed with anyone there, DS's (occasional) use of a dummy, although the usual ladies are aware and supportive of his bottle, which he still takes most days - it was one thing which helped him through the tough 'settling in' he went through in January.
I replied to her, 'Er - he is allowed to have a dummy. I don't mind it'.
She said then, 'I couldn't understand what he was saying'.
I said 'Fair point', but at this stage was wondering what exactly this woman had said to him - I know a lot of people have a problem with dummies, and we get well-meaning shop assistants telling him he's too big for it now, etc, which I can usually dismiss when I'm there so he isn't affected.
But I do think this woman is strange, and what's more I resent the way she is trying to impose some rule onto him - it's not her place to do that. I don't give a stuff if he needs something to comfort him when I can't be there...even if he is almost four.

Don't know why it wound me up so much.
Just needed to vent!

OP posts:
3andnomore · 17/05/2007 18:16

Hm...whilest I don't think there is a problem with a child still using a dummie...however, if he is happy to give it up and can be encouraged to do so, surely that should be welcome? Also, at that age the dummy shouldn't be in the mouth all the time, as it will inhibit good speechdevellopement.
Must say, I find a Bottle at pre-school age a bit odd.....certainly in daytime...nighttime bottle mihgt be a different story...but that is just my personal opinion, of course.

Shoshable · 17/05/2007 18:19

I know a 7 year old who STILL has a dummy and a bottle!!! And yes he has awful speech, I cant really understand what he says, and he now stutters, a result I feel of him not being able to make himself understood. His whole behavior is challenging, again I feel most because of Frustration, have tried talking to his Mother without appearing interfering, but she doesnt see the problem!

PinkTulips · 17/05/2007 18:24

haven't read the whole thread as heading up with kids but would just to point out that it doesn't just affect you ds when he's in preschool, there are several other issues to consider

  • he can't be understood and as the woman pointed out this affects his ability to communicate which in turn affects his social skills

  • other parents might have worked long and hard to get their lo's to give up the dummy and those poor kids are inflicted with the sight of his dummy all day long and can't understand whý he's allowed one and they're not. in my dd's case i can tell you for a fact she'd steal it from him which would be amn all day long source of irritation for the teachers.

  • it DOES affect speech developement and mouth developement (the hard palate not the teeth as some believe) so maybe it would be worth considering this and deciding whether you think ds will thank you for this in years to come?

  • while he's in her care it IS this woman's job to make decisions regarding the best care of your son, whether you like relinquishing control or not!

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 18:38

I have to say that parents are simply NOT good judges of how well their children are speaking because we are so very used to them and interpret sub-consciously what they are saying

if a pre-school worker told me she found him difficult to understand I think I'd listen to her

and if I'm honest she's right to gently encourage him not to use it and congratulate him for not doing so and let his mummy know too who should have acted surprised and pleased and praised him to the hilt (in an over-effusive manner) .. sounds like you have a good one there .. I'd start to build a relationship with her

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 18:39

a 7 year old??? YUK!

CODalmighty · 17/05/2007 18:39

DUMMY at 4

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

CODalmighty · 17/05/2007 18:39

DUMMY at 4

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Califrau · 17/05/2007 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuGaRCoAteDPoiSOn · 17/05/2007 19:12

a friend's son still had a dummy and bottle at 7, and he sat in the buggy when they went out - it only stopped when she had another baby
he's a nice kid of 19 now but he's never been a good talker and always sounds as tho he has somethng in his mouth, even if he hasn't

I would try to ditch the dummy if I were you, for reasons already mentioned above. My daughter had them and together she and I put them all in a big envelope addressed to "the little children who don't have any" and put them in the postbox - gawd knows what the posties thought lol, but she was fine about it.
My son never wanted one.

hope that helps a bit

colditz · 17/05/2007 19:21

offer him a tenner to get rid - worked on ds1!

lilolilmanchester · 17/05/2007 19:41

perhaps he could wrap the dummy up as a present for the new baby? And swap it for a present from the baby?

allgonebellyup · 17/05/2007 19:44

grim
dummies are for babies arent they? i could not imagine my ds who is 3 ever wanting a bit of old rubber in his mouth!?

Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 19:47

OMG! I can see it would affect children's speech development if used a lot - he doesn't - also his speech is commented on by EVERYone we meet - seriously, they all remark how wonderful it is for a three year old, it's one of his major strong points - didn't have a dummy really till about a year ago, maybe if he had it wouldn't be so good.

It was merely that while he has the darn thing in his mouth, he doesn't talk properly.

He is way ahead of many of the other kids in terms of speech, so that doesn't concern me.

Other than that, I really cannot see what the big whoop is about dummies being bad, and efforts made to give them up? I might be being really thick and Ok, this isn't really to do with my son's situation, but more a general question - why is it seen as so terrible or disgusting? I just don't understand.
How is it worse than having a soft toy or blanket, too?

Is it just so that he doesn't get laughed at by the kids who have been denied one - or told it's for babies?...someone please explain without being mean, I really don't get it! (Probably I'm just odd)

And I see what you mean about the other kids getting upset that he has it and they don't, I hadn't thought of that and it does seem unfair, ...if only I knew why they weren't allowed to...

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 17/05/2007 19:52

I didn't give my children a dummy because my Mom scared me so much about how she used to go through the dustbin when her Mom used to throw them out...euuurrggh!

I think that maybe a baby might need a dummy/bottle but by 2 they should be defunct imo.

misdee · 17/05/2007 19:52

yes but you dont just stuff a dummy i na 3yr old mouth. its just carries on.

SaintGeorge · 17/05/2007 19:52

A dummy is a pacifier, used to give a baby the comfort of suckling, a nipple substitute. A nearly 4 year old should not need such pacification (assuming you are not still breast feeding him).

As for talking when he has the dummy in his mouth, that is all about manners. It's a bit like talking with your mouth full of food, rude and should not be encouraged.

Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 19:58

Fair dos St. George, that's why I ask him to take it out if he has it in at home while talking to me. But he is capable of taking it out to speak and then putting it back in...
Is it not Ok for a four year old to have a special blanket or such, too?
at what age do attachment objects become so taboo?

Cigarettes spring to mind. And chocolate biscuits...

OP posts:
speccy · 17/05/2007 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:00

agree with saintgeorge .. a dummy is for a baby (if necessary) and should not be used on anyone over 12 months

it doesn't look right and it isn't dentally right

it does actually speak volumes (or appears to speak volumes) about the parenting style in some circles .. and really you wouldn't want me to list the kind of things that others will be thinking about a 3 year old using a dummy .. you really don't

no, its best to remove it .. bribe him .. it works at that age

Original poster
flightattendant · 17/05/2007 20:00

If I could get him into the fags it might help

OP posts:
Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:01

an attachment object is fine

would you put him back into nappies though? it is infantilising a child

speccy · 17/05/2007 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/05/2007 20:02

If he doesn't use it a lot, why does he take it to pre-school?

Sorry, but I cannot bear to see children (as opposed to babies) with dummies, or bottles. But each to their own, and that's just my opinion.

An old boss of mine had a nine year old (yes, that's right, nine) who still had SMA in a bottle every night ("He doesn't like ordinary milk") and a dummy which he used to plug in as soon as he got home from school. He was absolutely enormous and I felt very sorry for him as it seemed that his parents wanted to keep him as a baby. Actually, he is probably now the person who runs the "adult baby" website.

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 20:03

could people stop posting about these older children using dummies and bottles

it is making me feel physically sick

SaintGeorge · 17/05/2007 20:03

I personally would have less problems with other forms of comforter, yes.

You say he is capable of taking the dummy out but you also say "It was merely that while he has the darn thing in his mouth, he doesn't talk properly".

Maybe that is the real problem here. Not that he has the dummy at all but that he has it at inappropriate times and doesn't automatically take it out to speak. You shouldn't have to ask him. Pre-school is to prepare kids for school so is, IMO, an inappropriate time and place.

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