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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset/concerned about new preschool helper and DS's dummy!

190 replies

flightattendant · 17/05/2007 17:11

I am feeling a bit disturbed after preschool this morning.
When I collected DS he was in tears about something - unrelated to this - and being cuddled by one of the helpers I'd never met before. I think she's been there a few weeks.
He ran to me and I held him, then she walked up to me and stood with her face about 10" away from mine (I had to back away, but couldn't really without being obvious) and started to say,
'He was really a good boy yesterday, he put his dummy in his pocket and didn't try and get it out again'.
I've never discussed with anyone there, DS's (occasional) use of a dummy, although the usual ladies are aware and supportive of his bottle, which he still takes most days - it was one thing which helped him through the tough 'settling in' he went through in January.
I replied to her, 'Er - he is allowed to have a dummy. I don't mind it'.
She said then, 'I couldn't understand what he was saying'.
I said 'Fair point', but at this stage was wondering what exactly this woman had said to him - I know a lot of people have a problem with dummies, and we get well-meaning shop assistants telling him he's too big for it now, etc, which I can usually dismiss when I'm there so he isn't affected.
But I do think this woman is strange, and what's more I resent the way she is trying to impose some rule onto him - it's not her place to do that. I don't give a stuff if he needs something to comfort him when I can't be there...even if he is almost four.

Don't know why it wound me up so much.
Just needed to vent!

OP posts:

Slubberdegullion · 17/05/2007 21:09

hatrick that is very funny. She sounds wonderful!

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 21:09

swap your stones for our slug collection

MerryMarigold · 17/05/2007 21:09

Hate dummies, love reins. My 18mo ds still has a bedtime bottle. I am upper middle chav obviously!

MrsApron · 17/05/2007 21:10

Slugs?

Do they have beds? Some of the stones do.

hatrick · 17/05/2007 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Twiglett · 17/05/2007 21:12

brains have a midline and its good to cross it?

hatrick · 17/05/2007 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

IdrisTheDragon · 17/05/2007 21:15

Have read most of the thread and have a few thoughts.

DS is 3.5. Has no interest in a dummy (never has) but is a very firm thumb sucker. I'm sure at pre-school that he sucks his thumb sometimes. If someone there told him not to suck it I would be livid.

Why should it make a difference because it's a dummy or a thumb?

IdrisTheDragon · 17/05/2007 21:17

DD (18 months) has a night time (and in the night, sigh) bottle. No dummy but also a firm thumb sucker .

Aloha · 17/05/2007 21:19

re the OP, yes I think you are being rather unreasonable. It is very unusual for a four year old to use a dummy at nursery - most don't let any children use them habitually. And maybe the staff member had an unfortunate social manner, but don't read a personal insult into it.
On dummies, my son, who I later found out has Aspergers, had a dummy until he was - god, can't remember - but around four, which he used to sleep. At three he would use it to wind down as well. He had sensory problems which meant he needed to touch things and have pressure to get any feedback from his body at all (yet perversely, too much would make him over-stimulated). Like a lot of children with Aspergers, he has a strong need to mouth things. He still chews a lot - collars, books, bits of paper, anything he has in his hand - though this is lessening now he is five and a half. It is a very powerful calming and coping mechanism for him.
Tbh, I still feel very upset that people are so cross and critical about this issue. Not all children are the same as your child. Don't jump to easy conclusions about these semi-abusive, 'lazy' parents who emotionally neglect their children by forcing dummies on them. That is your prejudice.
God, I'm a snob about lots of things, and yes, it is pretty run of the mill to judge by appearances, and as it happens, my ds stopped having a bottle before the age of two I think, but please, dummies are just a bit of rubber and plastic. Keep it in proportion.

Slubberdegullion · 17/05/2007 21:20

maybe ITD because it is more culturaly (sp?)acceptable for a 3 year old to suck their thumb than suck a dummy.

Not sure why, right or wrong, that seems to be the way it is.

Aloha · 17/05/2007 21:20

My stepdaughter sucked her thumb for quite a long time btw. A lot longer than ds had his dummy. She is also, at 15, stunningly well adjusted, popular socially and rather amazing.

PinkTulips · 17/05/2007 21:24

flightattendant, you asked why the other kids can't have their dummies in preschool? in my dd's case it's because she doesn't speak correctly or clearly, or often at all, with it in so she's no longer allowed it during the day. (although she spends most of the day stealing ds's!)

she's 2.4 and does have another comfort object, the infamous Bear. he comes to playschool but is in her bag and only gets taken out if she's upset. the teachers put him straight back if he's not in use and when she starts Montessori at 3 he'll stay home (preferably before but she's quite shy at playschool so we try and make her as comfortable as possible)

you mention fags and chocolate as examples of adult comforters... would it be acceptable to smoke fags and eat chocolate into your colleagues faces all day long?

i didn't want to give either of my kids a dummy but with dd the nurse gave me a metaphorical shaking when she was 3/4 days old and i was bleeding badly and in agony as she had been feeding constantly (i don't mean alot, i mean she hadn't come off for more than 10 mins at a time) and wouldn't sleep without something in her mouth (i spent the first night home hanging into her cot with my finger in her mouth but gave in and co-slept after that).

with ds i got to 5 weeks, he slept without one but after 5 weeks of having to leave him screaming everytime i needed to deal with dd i decided it wasn't fair and gave him one.... he was addicted within the week

tbh, if i had another i'd try harder to avoid using one if possible as they have soooo many more negatives than positives, they're fabulous for little babies but unfortunately if you give one to a little baby you end up with a toddler with one. (i'm afraid to take ds's away due to that info on babies who normally have a dummy but are asleep without one being more at risk of SIDS)

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/05/2007 21:43

Oh and I just remembered - the 9 year old who liked his dummy and night time bottle of SMA also slept with his mother. Poor old dad was relegated to the spare room. I expect that's why he was an only child.

DD1 went through a phase of taking a bunch of leeks to bed with her. Nice muddy organic ones though, so that must be OK - ya?

veruccasalt · 17/05/2007 21:53

I didn't let my dd take stuff into pre-school like comforters of any description since I was terrified that they'd be lost and I'd have a disconsable child on my hands. I was amazed when I saw computer games being taken in by 5 year olds .

Heathcliffscathy · 17/05/2007 22:00

flightattendant may I commend you on taking the drubbing you've had with equanimity.

think it's been very harsh indeed.

duchesse · 17/05/2007 22:09

God, I sucked my thumb until I was about 10! (possibly older...) Would probably be in comfort object rehab in this day and age. Think it is probably stage he will grow out of alone. Perfectly culturally acceptable in France (and probably many other countries too), for children to keep bottles till 4. Anglo-Saxon countries have a problem with babies being babies IMO.

Have not read entire thread, just OP.

Einstein did not speak until he was over 5.

That is all.

bozza · 17/05/2007 22:17

I am that the pre-school did not keep both dummy and bottle in the cloakroom TBH. Also somewhat surprised at a 3yo taking up dummy use. DD never had one, but had a friend with one and whenever she went round there (at age 2) would pop one in her mouth, but she held it between clenched teeth, she had no idea that it was intended for sucking on. That friend has speech and dental issues.

harpsichordcarrier · 17/05/2007 22:21

"I would hope a pre-school would have a policy about working with parents and being sympathetic to an individual child's needs rather than a policy on dummies "
well said gess.

Lauriefairycake · 17/05/2007 23:28

Hi,

I'm with your friend the child psychologist and I realise this puts me in a minority here.

I see nothing wrong with a comforting transitional object which a dummy is.

If you want him to stop using it before he goes to school then everything others have said about distracting him, using it only at night, lots of reassurance, etc. I would not criticise or imply criticism by saying he's too old for it (but that may be just me).

I see having a dummy or a favourite doll or a blankie or a hot chocolate before you go to bed or a bedtime story all part of a spectrum of routine - all designed to make them feel safe and nurtured.

I don't think there's a right or wrong here but I think some of the judgemental comments make me feel a bit

What I'm hearing from you is that you realise he wants and needs it just now. You are the one interepreting his behaviour. Only you know what he needs

[tottles off to look after own inner child with a chocolate bar]

Heathcliffscathy · 17/05/2007 23:41

Laurie do I know you?

Your posting style seems very familiar

BHANNAE · 17/05/2007 23:45

I sucked my thumb until I was seven-no harm done.My dd had a dummy but relinquished it at one of her own accord and my ds is 20mths and sucks his thumb and uses a blankie(which is called 'snudge' in our house ) but will only do both at the same time lol.
In the daytime I dont give him his snudge and he doesn't ask for it.He now just associates snudge with bed.
He was in nicu for a month when born and they gave him a dummy to soothe him as even touching him lightly made him panicky.
If your child finds comfort in it then let him have it.
You dont see many adults with dummies in(what folk do in their own homes is up to them ...) and I dont know anyone who it has had a traumatic and lasting effect on by having one.
Kids are made to become grown up too soon and I find it far stranger to see a 4yr old with tiny adult styled clothing (high heels, short skirts etc)on than a dummy tbh.
My dad put pepper on my thumb to stop me and I still have an aversion to it now

Lauriefairycake · 17/05/2007 23:57

[hijacks thread]

[waves to sophable]

I don't know if I know you - I don't post much - live in Hertfordshire

go on...........give me a hint

Heathcliffscathy · 17/05/2007 23:59

no.....it isn't who i thought...but hello anyway!

Lauriefairycake · 18/05/2007 00:00

and hello to you too

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