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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

inheritence

205 replies

guzzlepuzzle · 14/05/2018 21:06

Soooooo....what does everyone think about inheritance and how it should be split if its only left to one sibling? I have recently been left in excess of 120k by a family member. None of my siblings were. I have given 20k each to my siblings yet apparently I'm being unfair (according to some) by not splitting it completely three ways? AIBU to not split it equally? We are not yet on the property ladder and i have children of my own so this is a huge leg up for my family too.

Just to add whatever the responses i wont be giving anymore away but i just wanted to get a wider view.

OP posts:
AmazingPostVoices · 14/05/2018 21:08

This is a hard one and quite personal I think as it depends on lots of things.

In my personal circumstances I’d split it equally but that wouldn’t be the right answer in every family.

Maelstrop · 14/05/2018 21:09

They should be sodding grateful you gave them anything. You could easily have swanned off with the lot. As I’m nosy, why was it all left to you?

Bridesmaidinchief · 14/05/2018 21:10

I think it depends - was it a justified split? Did you take on more caring responsibilities or do more for the family member than your siblings? Were you much closer to them than your siblings? If so then I think it's ok for you to keep the large share. But if it was a capricious or unjustified decision by your relative, I would probably feel more compelled to split it equally. I couldn't do my siblings out of money just because I lucked out with an unfair relative.

Jamiefraserskilt · 14/05/2018 21:10

You did not have to do anything. £20k is a lot of money and better than nothing. I would be inclined to tell them this and suggest you can always withdraw your kind offer if it offends them so badly. Wonder what they would really do if tables were turned?
Enjoy your good fortune. It sounds like your benefactor wanted to give you a leg up.

Original poster
guzzlepuzzle · 14/05/2018 21:12

I appreciate your responses. I think we can all talk hypothetically but in reality its very different. Maelstrop it wasn't all left to me i got 1/6 of the estate but its a bloody lot and will change mine and my childrens life. It has meant my siblings have had a leg up to but i fear there is some animosity because i have the most still.

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 14/05/2018 21:12

It kind of depends who left the money. Parent or grandparent, then it would be fair to slit it. If it was Great |Aunt Doris, who happened to be your godmother , or your favourite cousins who you thought of as your sister, then that's entirely different.

Merryoldgoat · 14/05/2018 21:13

I think it depends on some other circumstances. If it was a parent, I’d probably share it equally. An aunt who you were the closest to? No obligation to share at all (not that there is anyway).

redshoeblueshoe · 14/05/2018 21:13

If they don't like it you could reconsider - and give them nothing

Original poster
guzzlepuzzle · 14/05/2018 21:13

I was the closest out of us all to the benefactor , she however did favour me too even as a young child. One of my parents also received some but hasn't given any at all to anyone but i chose to give that amount each to both siblings.

OP posts:
Shiftymake · 14/05/2018 21:14

I think you have been more then fair by giving something rather than nothing which is what the will wanted. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes or your siblings as it is massively unfair to all of you and it is a benefit as you mentioned to get onto the property ladder.

RaininSummer · 14/05/2018 21:14

Well nice as it was for you to share, the bottom line is that the deceased left it to you and was, presumably, able to leave it to them if they had wanted to.

Original poster
guzzlepuzzle · 14/05/2018 21:15

Grandparent. I should add that my siblings havn't been ungrateful but a couple of comments have been made by a relation of one who states i am unfair not to split three ways. We wouldn't be able to get a mortgage without this huge deposit as neither my partner or i earn a huge amount despite working full time and part time(me)'

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 14/05/2018 21:18

Don't give these greedy people any more. They're lucky to get anything! Would they have split it three ways if they had been given it? Would they even have given you anything???

Allthebestnamesareused · 14/05/2018 21:18

It may be because you were the only one who kept in touch or made the grandparent feel special in some way. Personally I think you have been very kind in handing over the £20k each when there was no legal obligation to do so.

GnomeDePlume · 14/05/2018 21:19

Someone I know was disinherited by a clause in a will which did not necessarily have the result intended.

The sibling who inherited is carefully splitting the estate in two and giving half to disinherited sibling.

CanIhavedessertfirst · 14/05/2018 21:21

I think you have been fair. Inheritance is always a touchy subject and a huge cause of animosity. 20k is a huge amount of money, and a sum they are lucky to have. I wonder if they'd have done the same had they been in your position.

CoffeeOrSleep · 14/05/2018 21:22

Yes, it's unfair that a grandparent favoured one grandchild over the rest. If you have been brought up with unfairness and have accepted it as 'normal', then perhaps none of you quite understand how horrible it is that a grandparent would do this.

But the hurt of their "lesser" status was re-inforced by leaving the money to you, you sharing it wouldn't remove the feeling that their grandparent felt less for them. (Of course it might make your siblings feel you don't agree they are "less" than you if you shared....)

StopPOP · 14/05/2018 21:22

I think if the person who made the will had wished the siblings to benefit, they would have included them.

DH could possibly be in the same position. Two of his siblings have chosen not been involved in the will maker's life at all and have, in fact, not treated him kindly, making no bones about it. They don't visit, don't send cards/wishes for birthday's, Christmas and the like. They have (rightly) gathered and mentioned to DH that they are unlikely to benefit and DH (plus one other sibling) will. Hasn't stopped then heavily hinting that when the time comes, they expect DH to "do the right thing". Errm no. Get off your arses and help out especially as you live almost round the corner and we are hundreds of miles away Hmm

Helpmeplan · 14/05/2018 21:22

Your money to do with as you wish. If they don't like it tough tits

mindutopia · 14/05/2018 21:23

Agreed it depends on the reasons for this family member to wish for you to receive it all. They obviously felt strongly enough to make that decision and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to honour those wishes if they are genuine as far as you can tell.

In my mum/stepdad’s will, the bulk of the inheritance has been directed to me. My stepdad has two daughters but they are not close (by the daughters’ choice because they really struggled when their parents got divorced). He talks to one of them, but the other is NC. I’ve never met them though as they have no relationships with anyone in the extended family, even though my mum and stepdad have been together 12 years now. I’ll be their carer when they need it and will manage all their affairs. The will is about 60/20/20 between me and his two daughters. I think that’s fair and have no problem honouring that as the two daughters have made a conscious effort to cut ties with their dad and the rest of the family. But it would be different if I felt that decision was made for flippant reasons or was inherently unfair.

Gonegirlfriday · 14/05/2018 21:27

How devisive of the gp to play favourites like that.

Imchlibob · 14/05/2018 21:28

Of course you are not being unfair and the person making the nasty comments is beyond rude and grabby.

The money was the property of the deceased to do with as they chose. They chose to leave it to you. It is now yours to do with as you choose. You were very kind to give £20k to your siblings. You are under no obligation to do more.

The only circumstances under which there might be a legitimate point here would be if you and your siblings all had an equally strong relationship with the deceased and there is any kind of suggestion that they weren't thinking clearly when they made the will and would have left the estate equally if they had. That is patently not the case here.

TrinaN · 14/05/2018 21:28

It's difficult.

Being from a grandparent and how close I am to my sister I would have split it equally, but then we both are comfortable with our own houses so it's different.

However, your grandparent chose to leave it to you. You have no obligation to share and should not be made to feel bad. If your grandparent wanted them to have a share they would have done it. They choose to leave a share to you.

I see all sorts and some will benefit one over another if they think that person needs it more. Your grandparent may have thought you needed it more if the others have their own homes and are in a financially better position.

You had no obligation to share and would your grandparent have wanted you to? They may have left it to you so that you can get yourself a family home and that will be a lovely way to remember your grandparent.

Original poster
guzzlepuzzle · 14/05/2018 21:29

There is 10 grandchildren . She left to all 3 of her children and one grandchild . The other sons will make sure their children are ok and I shared some with mine meaning all 10 grandchildren have benefited from it. I get that it’s unfair on them but I didn’t do it and I tried to make it better by giving them a substantial amount I thought .

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 14/05/2018 21:35

It depends on the context of what really went on.

If it was a case of favouritism then be glad you are on the right side of the fence. If it was something far more sinister then I'd agree that that's what it is.

My friend inherited close to a million pound estate from her grandmother and her siblings got measly bits and pieces. All this because the gran never really liked the other two. Of course I don't know what went on behind closed doors but it left a bitter feeling and has caused a family rift that hasn't healed in over 20years.