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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

inheritence

205 replies

guzzlepuzzle · 14/05/2018 21:06

Soooooo....what does everyone think about inheritance and how it should be split if its only left to one sibling? I have recently been left in excess of 120k by a family member. None of my siblings were. I have given 20k each to my siblings yet apparently I'm being unfair (according to some) by not splitting it completely three ways? AIBU to not split it equally? We are not yet on the property ladder and i have children of my own so this is a huge leg up for my family too.

Just to add whatever the responses i wont be giving anymore away but i just wanted to get a wider view.

OP posts:
Lunde · 14/05/2018 22:18

So your Dad has also received this inheritance and is choosing not to share at all?

I think you have been generous to give 20K to your siblings - your dad could match that but is choosing not to

Genderwitched · 14/05/2018 22:19

I think you have been very generous and that it would be disrespectful to your Grandparent to go against their wishes.

They wanted you to have the money.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/05/2018 22:19

@PaintedHorizons, if you are the only one who bothers with your aunt then totally fair, you get it. However if it was just a case of you being the favourite then obviously the money would still be yours but it would be hurtful to others left out. That seems more akin to what has happened to the OP as she said she was favoured as a youngster. That must be hurtful for her siblings and cousins although obviously not the OP's fault.

DoraJar · 14/05/2018 22:19

Someone I know (the eldest of 3) was the only one left the whole of a spinster Aunt's estate (just over £200k). Friend gave £35k to one brother (who earns less - but doing just about ok) and nothing to other brother (who is extremely wealthy - fair enough). Brother who got £35k was happy to get something - rich brother not bothered - all siblings still close. Personally I might have given more to the less well off brother - but thought reasonable a gift was made (friend is reasonably well off - but hey made a big impact on their huge mortgage!). What I didn't like was the miserable Aunt who created the dilemma.

Your siblings are happy - don't let another miserable relation bother you! Sorry your Dad isn't sharing with his children!

LanaorAna2 · 14/05/2018 22:23

In an ideal world you'd split it 3 ways but you need the money, you really do. Are your siblings better or worse off? Either way, work on your DF to help them out, reminding him you don't need helping.

SuperDandy · 14/05/2018 22:24

Good luck OP - you'll need it to come through this with sibling relationships intact. Unexplained and inexplicable uneven wills are super toxic, like leaving a bomb to go off after you've died.

Even when the siblings on the downside are not snarky about it with the one who gained, it is a poison legacy that strains even close siblings. Even when the one who gained evens up completely, it leaves complicated emotional damage along the way.

Like someone said upthread, it's a massive fuck you, and when you don't know any reason for the fuck you, that's challenging to process.

dinosaurkisses · 14/05/2018 22:24

I'm predicting that I'll be in your siblings' shoes in a decade or so- my family member and his partner have no children themselves and there's a reasonably high chance they'll leave their estate to my sister and nothing to me due to me not getting on with them and my sister having much more patience with their challenging personalities.

It doesn't bother me at all- it would be lovely if she gave me anything, but at the end of the day I'd have no rights over it.

You've been very generous and I certainly wouldn't begrudge a much loved sibling the security of a family home for life.

AliTheMinx · 14/05/2018 22:24

I think you have been very fair. When my Granny died she left everything (including the house) to her unmarried son, my uncle, on the proviso that my mum and Auntie could pick anything they wanted from the house. My mum was too upset to think straight and hardly took a thing, whilst my Auntie was like a gannet and snatched so much it was unbelievable. My Granny left her jewellery to be split between me and my cousin and my Auntie muscled in on that too and took the best for herself. It was really shocking and my mum was terribly upset! My uncle recognises that I didn't have much (my cousins took lots of antique furniture too) and he has told me that his estate will be split 5 ways between the church, my 2 cousins (both married), my husband and I! They don't know this and I'm sure it will cause huge ructions when the time comes, but actually I think it's fair, as my cousins were so utterly greedy and spurred on by my Auntie (even though they didn't bother much with my Granny when she was alive). My husband and I do far more for my uncle and make an effort to keep in touch, and my uncle has made his decision in sound mind.

I think you have been more than generous and your siblings should be very grateful.

MuttsNutts · 14/05/2018 22:25

My mother left myself and two siblings equal shares but excluded a fourth sibling completely. We shared everything equally between the four of us - can’t imagine doing anything else to be honest.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 14/05/2018 22:28

Actually I think it is wrong to go against the wishes of whoever the will belongs to.

People are not equal by default of them having the same level of shared DNA. If someone enjoys a much closer relationship with one grandchild than others then I see no issue with that being reflected in their will.

My own will is far from equally split. But I will amend to notate why, I think.

Joinourclub · 14/05/2018 22:28

You mentioned that all the other siblings of your father would make sure their children were 'ok' but your own has not. And that maybe your grandmother therefore gave to you, so you could do what you Father won't.

That thought would be enough to make me split equally.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 14/05/2018 22:30

I also think it's quite telling when people are supposedly so hurt at being left out of an inheritance but never managed to consider how their relative may have felt hurt at their lack of effort when they were alive.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/05/2018 22:31

My siblings are close to me and we are in no way falling out over it ... I should add that my siblings haven't been ungrateful but a couple of comments have been made by a relation of one who states i am unfair not to split three ways

So from the sound of things, the "not faaaiiiirrr" isn't coming from your siblings at all, but from someone else?

If that's the case then I'd definitely stick with what you've already (very generously) done and try not to think much more about it

Original poster
guzzlepuzzle · 14/05/2018 22:32

@joinourclub This is my way of not thinking badly of my late gran because everyone else is. I have no idea why and unless she intended to cause a rift then that’s the only nice way I can think however I feel by giving them 20k that is a huge deposit for a house which is sending them in the right direction.

OP posts:
ChikiTIKI · 14/05/2018 22:32

One of my parents has 2 siblings, one of which is their twin. A relative left everything to the twin, a few hundred grands worth of estate because that sibling has some health problems and it's always been expected they will need to retire earlier.

Whatever the reasons are, it doesn't matter. Nobody said anything about it. Their money, their choice.

Maybe there would be some jealousy if people were really struggling financially, I can see that... But if it were me being left out even then I don't think I would say anything?!

bamboolzled · 14/05/2018 22:33

u gave them 20K each ?

thats more than a lot of people would and 20K more than your family member wanted to give them !

you keep the rest and do as you wish

Original poster
guzzlepuzzle · 14/05/2018 22:33

@puzzledandpissedoff yes not my siblings , they have both been very grateful but one is being told she should expect more . That is hard for me because I feel I’ve been kind but then would any amount ever have been enough ?

OP posts:
Toddleress · 14/05/2018 22:34

Joinourclub
If the Grannie had wanted to make things right and not leave to the father, she could have left to the other two siblings too. But she didn't and only OP has been given a direct share. So your argument doesn't hold. So grannie did not expect OP to share at all (whether that is right or wrong is a different matter)

nakedscientist · 14/05/2018 22:36

OP you have been lovely. Some people are never satisfied.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/05/2018 22:39

(siblings) have both been very grateful but one is being told she should expect more

Then that's something the sibling will probably have to deal with themselves, especially if the person doing the stirring is one of their spouses

FWIW the siblings sound very decent - as do you - but people who aren't probably wouldn't be happy with anything you gave them (as I think you've realised yourself Smile)

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/05/2018 22:47

Maybe there would be some jealousy if people were really struggling financially, I can see that... But if it were me being left out even then I don't think I would say anything?!

It might not be jealousy about the money as such but more the pain of being left out, or made to feel less loved so to speak. The money then becomes something of a focal point. But even if the person who had inherited then split the money, the feeling of rejection isn't going to go away.

categed · 14/05/2018 22:53

Some wills show the real people behind the facade. My gm was shown to be an imature, selfish woman still trying to get 1 up on her sister. The last laugh is however with her benificieries who didn't like her or care for her but sure enjoyed the money and benifited from my parents gifts of fully upgrading her home at their cost. Her choice in life and now she will be forgotten in death.
My will will share equally between my two children, they after all have had to put up with me all their lives 🤔

Mrsmadevans · 14/05/2018 22:54

They are lucky you are giving them anything. Enjoy this money OP, let it change you and your DC lives. I am sorry for your loss.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/05/2018 22:59

My mother has done this, she’s left her entire estate to my siblings and nothing at all to me, for no other reason than she didn’t like me from quite possibly before I was even born. She also doesn’t realise I’ve seen her will.

Yes it hurts yes it a giant fuck you, and yes it’s concrete evidence of her personal feelings towards me feelings she has always denied and claimed I’ve misunderstood.

Do I expect my siblings to share with me?
Nope. I expect them to carry out my mothers wishes to the letter. Not because they are unpleasant or due to any selfishness on their behalf but because they didn’t do it. She did and it’s her money.

In a way it’s a bit of validation what I haves felt my entire life.

timeisnotaline · 14/05/2018 22:59

If it’s a grandparent and just favouritism for no reason I’d split equally to be honest. No one can help not being the golden grandchild. I would also judge your grandparent- it’s nasty petty behaviour unless there’s some reason like playing a caring role / the only one to ever visit etc.

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