inheritence

[guzzlepuzzle]

Soooooo....what does everyone think about inheritance and how it should be split if its only left to one sibling? I have recently been left in excess of 120k by a family member. None of my siblings were. I have given 20k each to my siblings yet apparently I'm being unfair (according to some) by not splitting it completely three ways? AIBU to not split it equally? We are not yet on the property ladder and i have children of my own so this is a huge leg up for my family too.

Just to add whatever the responses i wont be giving anymore away but i just wanted to get a wider view.

If there's no reason for the unequal split, it's a horrible thing to do to a family.

If you'd been a carer, or played a special role in her life, that would be different. But it sounds like favoritism carried from childhood into adulthood. We have threads on here about how horrible it is for children when a grandparent favours one over the other for no apparent reason, and here it is with adult grandparents.

I would split it, no question. Whether I split it only with my siblings or all the grandchildren, I don't know. Even if it was a 10 way split, that's still £20k for you, which you yourself are claiming is a generous amount.

How would you have felt if you'd been left nothing, and your sibling had been left 120k and only gave you 20k of it? Would you feel they were being fair?

(Your Dad's inheritance is totally different - all his siblings were left the same, and presumably the money will come down the generations eventually anyway.)

Oops, got my maths wrong. an edit function would be useful!

Morning!! Again thanks for replies. I did do more with her but it was made easier because she liked me and didn’t really like the others. We always used to laugh about her only liking eldest grandchildren.
She also didn’t like her children equally , so yes she was cantancourous (sp!) at times but at the end of the day it was her money and her perogative what to do with it and she decided (for a reason I’ll never know!) to give me a small share.
With regards to my siblings and I . None of us are on the property ladder yet , we all do ok but are not by any means rich and tend to live Day to day but we’re all happy with our families and have never had handouts . This is a huge leg up for us all and whilst 20k isn’t an equal split I’ve actaully given away in excess of 40k and really felt this was an opportunity to get on the property ladder that I will not ever get again. Maybe that means I am unreasonable but if giving a lot away like that means that’s my downfall I’ll accept that. My siblings and I won’t fall out ( well if we did it won’t last) because we’re all honest with each other and we have discussed this a lot over the last few months.

Prettylovely that’s doubly awful: to leave you out AND at the same time disrespect your father’s wishes. Just despicable. I’m not sure if your mother has died yet but will your sibling vary the will in your favour? They should at the very least give you your share of your dad’s bequest (a quarter of the estate, therefore).

I don’t know why I feel this but somehow I feel gps and parents should divide equally but I don’t feel that about aunts or uncles. Obviously there may be compelling reasons, like disability among a surviving sibling that might explain it but just because a sibling is wealthier for example or even worse, not the favourite, doesn’t mean they should be written out. It’s extremely divisive and would make them feel terrible, with no chance to reply.

I think you have been fair OP, your GP not so much. Playing favourites causes all sorts of damage to people's self esteem and family relationships. I don’t subscribe to the MN mantra about people ‘having their reasons’ and ‘everyone has the right to leave to who they want’. Well I guess they do but that doesn’t make it right or fair.

Lannieduck her children’s wasn’t split equally either but that’s not my issue they already spent years falling out over what might happen. The other grandchildren will and have already had from their parents along the way , they are all very privelidged . My dads will (if he made one) won’t be straight forward or fair but life sucks eh. We have another half sibling who is likely to inherit the majority with the others having a much smaller (albeit still generous) amount. If you don’t think 20k to give away is a generous amount I’d be interested to hear if you are ever put in this position too.

The problem is where does it end , siblings , Mum who brought you up , sibling attached to mums side not Dad , step brothers and sisters , how many people am I expected to be fair to because actually many people feel they “should” gain from it and how much or little would I give away to ensure everyone was happy without sacrificing what could be huge for my own family.

For what ever reason your gp left you the money and I think you have been very generous in giving some away to your sibling. It’s a life changing amounts of money and I hope you are able to put the rest to good use.

OP, by very honest with yourself: what if the bequest had been made to one of your siblings and not to you? How would you feel if that sibling did what you have done now? Would you be happy with it?

It sounds as if you have been the beneficiary of damaging and divisive favouritism perpetuated down generations (and you used to laugh about it with your grandmother ).

You have been the lucky one, but this is not entirely morally comfortable good luck. IMO.

It sounds like the uneven split was purely down to favouritism and you are vindicating that behaviour, even though you say you wouldn't do that to your own children? If you actually thought favouritism was unfair you would do an even split.

FFS. Be very honest with yourself. Not by.

You've been more than generous OP, including going against your GM wishes in an attempt to be so. Draw a line under it and move on. The future well being and opportunities now afforded to your immediate family with this money are far more important than the opinion of what extended family members deem to be 'fair'.

Where does it end? With your siblings that shared that grandparent with you imo.

@anelderlylady yes I would be absolutely grateful for whatever they decided to share with me too. I feel to think it’s unkind to give away 40k is deluded but I also get I’m on the better end of the receipt . Yea my gm was unkind in her split but that isn’t my fault and I did share a good chunk.

@Margeryb and the grandchildren that did too? All 9 others? And not give anything to my mum who worked hard to bring us up singely?

Pumpkin- I’m shocked by the reasoning behind disinheriting your cousin. It’s not surprising the cousin felt very rejected. If anything s/he needed more support not less as presumably the rest of you had longer support from your parents plus the chance to inherit.

In the case of the OP, I’d like to think I’d split equally across siblings unless there was a significant reason not to. Obviously once the money is in your hands it’s potentially harder and the psychology would be about losing 80k rather than gaining £40k.

I think I would have split it equally. To try and right the wrong that gran did, not just with the money but showing favouritism over the years.

My opinion is that inheritance should go down the line, not jump a generation anyway.

I’m due to receive more than my siblings in an inheritance. I’ve seen my GPs weekly my entire adult life, I do a lot of the care for them, and I’m a lone parent with 3DC - I work and I’m at Uni. My siblings rock up at birthdays and Christmas and once or twice a year to ask them for money. My Gran in particular is more like a mother to me. My cousins are due to receive more than me - because they are 20 odd years younger than me and GPs want to be able to provide for them through childhood like they did for me and my siblings should they die before they reach adulthood. My siblings kicked off merry Hell about the cousin situation - I however think it’s logical. They don’t know that we won’t get an even split so that’ll be fun to deal with, but I’m VLC with my siblings and totally NC with my maternal side (GPs are my paternal ones) and siblings are due a large inheritance from maternal side whereas I’ll get nothing.

This is difficult. I think, if it was me in my own family situation, I would split it with my sister. I think if I didn't, it would always be hanging over us. However I don't know your situation which may be very different.

I suspect it's DH/dw complaining.
Seems to often be the spouse who feels entitled.

I think you're being fine. It's kind to give away £40k.

If it were from parents I agree an equal spilt is usually fair but here from a more distant relative the fact she has given her siblings each £20k is very generous indeed. If they have not had the money yet and are being nasty about it I wouldn't bother giving them any of it.

This certainly brings out the worst in a lot of families which is why ours tends just to leave equally to the children (not grandchildren and more complicated things) although my granny left her 5 grandchildren £100 each which was held until we were 21. (About £500 I think today) That is small enough not to rock any boats if one child has more of their own children than another but a nice gesture.

Do we lose sight of the fact it was the Grandmothers money to will as she saw fit. The morality does not lie with the inheritee if that is a word

@witchend indeed you are right!!

If they had wanted to leave it to your siblings they would have done so. You are very generous to have given them anything at all. A will is the wishes of the person who wrote it and so I think it is a matter of respect to honer their wishes. I wouldn't expect my siblings to give me anything if they were left all that, they should be happy for you.

If my brother got an inheritance from a relative and gifted me £20k, I'd be delighted with it, even if his inheritance was £1m.

OP, you also have to think of your own children, who will ultimately benefit from you keeping enough of the money to buy them a home which will (care fees notwithstanding!) ultimately be their inheritance.

I think you have been generous, fair and YANBU in the slightest.

Sorry OP but I think you’ve been really unfair to both your siblings tbh. You said your grandparent left it to you, thinking that you would do the right thing, yet you have kept the lion’s share of the money and given a comparatively small amount to them.

Your logic is a little off too - you keep saying 20k is a lot of money when talking about the money you have given them, but by that token 40k would still be a lot of money for you to inherit.

I’m also not sure why 20k is enough for a house deposit for them but you need 80k.

I appreciate it’s a lot of money to give away but it’s not money you’ve earned, it’s a gift to you and the right thing to do is to split it between the three of you.

And yes, if my grandparent left me a large amount of money and excluded my brother I absolutely would share it with him.