inheritence

[guzzlepuzzle]

Soooooo....what does everyone think about inheritance and how it should be split if its only left to one sibling? I have recently been left in excess of 120k by a family member. None of my siblings were. I have given 20k each to my siblings yet apparently I'm being unfair (according to some) by not splitting it completely three ways? AIBU to not split it equally? We are not yet on the property ladder and i have children of my own so this is a huge leg up for my family too.

Just to add whatever the responses i wont be giving anymore away but i just wanted to get a wider view.

It's very unfair a grandparent would will a large amount to one grandchild and none to the others. You are being fairly generous. Others would give nothing. How much did your parent get and why don't they give some to your siblings ?

What a poisoned chalice!
I would split it equally with siblings because I have experience of favouritism in families including my own and it's grim, I know of instances where families have had major falling out over this kind of situation.

But mainly because DH and I decided a very long time ago to sort ourselves out financially and never be hoping for an inheritance to do it for us.

Our grandparents left everything equally and I think it says volumes about them- generous, fair and forgiving.

@jengnr don’t be sorry that’s your opinion and that’s fine. I came here for everyone’s view . If you deem it unfair that money left to me makes me selfish for sharing a huge chunk then that’s fine. The reason I need 80k is because we earn no where near what one siblings family do so their 20k deposit is sufficient . If I was to split three ways we wouldn’t be able to buy a property for a long time. The other sibling isn’t in a position to buy and so the money is being used for the things she wants and needs now . I however can accept the opinion of others if they have never been in this position because interestingly I think it changes once you are in it.
Both siblings are also fine with it I’ll reiterate that again. They are grateful for 20k.

Favouritism is so insidious and pernicious in its effect. It sends fault lines through families and erodes relationships. I would not choose to perpetuate it and would say ‘this is family money, it needs sharing equally ‘.

But there’s much you haven’t told us OP. Will your Dad leave his ££ to your siblings and not to you? In which case did you gran make this provision now? If your Dad passed in his inheritance to his kids, how would you feel if he adjusted the amount to reflect what you had direct?

Its a tricky one but its surprising how often this seems to happen - sometimes deliberately, sometimes by accident.

My parents did their wills last week. They went to a solicitor who drafted and then they sent them to me and asked me to print them out ready for signing since they don't have a printer. I'm a solicitor (don't do wills) and I looked over them and noticed these extremely simple wills (literally one page each) didn't even do what my parents intended. They wanted a three way split between children and then if a child had predeceased them, that child's share would go to the child's DC (ie the grandchildren). Instead the solicitor had drafted so that if one child had died the estate would instead be split two ways between the two surviving children leaving the grandchildren with nothing. My parents were oblivious since even though they had read them through the language was confusing. If I hadn't noticed, they would have signed them and my DSis would have been trying to bump me off at every opportunity

Dads estate will majority go to one sibling who is only young now from a new relationship. There is 7 children in total across both relationships . Children 1-3 for Dad will get what he had prior to meeting new partner (2 small properties) children 1-3 for SM will get one medium property child 7 (both dads and SM) will get 6 properties including the one they live in which will be worth approx 1m. I do not expect child 7 to make it “fair” then either.

I wouldn't be able to keep all that money in good conscience if my siblings weren't treated equally to me, so I'd 100% split it equally between the three of us. I just wouldn't be able to keep it knowing it had been split so unfairly.

You were very generous to give anything at all. You gave half your inheritance away.

I agree cloudtree a very important point indeed.

I agree your Dad’s intended plan is unfair, and favours his youngest over you and your full siblings.

We have a similar situation in our family except we know why one sibling was favoured over the others and it's completely correct that they were. Said sibling has repeatedly said they will split the inheritance equally amongst us all but tbh I think it would be fine if they kept it all or took a much larger share.

I'd feel uncomfortable not sharing it equally with siblings. The pain of having been not treated unequally is quite something and I would want no part in that.

I think you've been very fair with your siblings. You didn't have to give them a penny. Yes it's unfortunate for them that your gran didn't choose to give them an equal share but she didn't. Her wishes express she wanted you, and not them, to benefit. If they have any grievance it should be your deceased gran! It's not uncommon, a friend of mine got nothing from her (very wealthy) parents and her sister got everything. Reason, they never approved of the man she married and didn't want him to benefit. Your grandmother, presumably had her reasons but that's not your fault.

In view of your post about your father's will, and your (seeming) acceptance of it, it does seem as if divisive and unfair splits are normal in your family. It's not a normal I recognise, tbh, nor one I'd care to emulate.

@Twofigsnotgiven I think though once the money has been left to only one person, assuming that person wasn't the only one with contact or the carer, then the damage has been done. Even if the chosen one then goes on to share it equally that isn't going to take away the feeling of being less loved.

I think it depends on circumstances.

I have 3 cousins. One was disinherited by her grandfather for ‘having a baby by a n**r’. He left his estate to the other 2. They split the money equally between them.

In this case, grandfather was being an utter c**t.

MIL had a childless aunt. Aunt had five brothers and sisters and lots of nieces and nephews. MIL was very close to her and cared for her in her old age. Aunt and her husband were like the grandparents my husband wished he’d had - his own grandfather being an unpleasant and aggressive man. Aunt left her entire estate to MIL and her children/grandchildren. This seems reasonably fair (although I’m biased because DH and my children will benefit).

I have a childless aunt. She is very close to my sister who lives very near her. They see each other at least once a week whereas my Dad (her brother) sees her once every five years. I never see her at all. My guess is she’ll leave everything to my sister. It seems perfectly fair to me.

This rings alarm bells with me she however did favour me too even as a young child. Favouring a child/grandchild for absolutely no justifiable reason leads to nothing but bitterness and resentment later on.

OP, I think you have been put in a horrible position by your grandparent.

@tillytown, that’s a bit harsh. We were only carrying out our GP’s wishes. She bypassed her surviving children as well, which they were fine with, as I think she was looking purely at who needed the money most, whether or not that was the right thing to do. Really it would have been better if my GP had explained her reasons before she passed away, but she didn’t, so we just followed her requests. We certainly didn’t snub our cousin, we’ve all been quite distressed at the way things have turned out.

If I was left any money i'd share it equaly with my siblings.
It's disgusting when immediate family members blatantly favoritise children/grandchildren.
I wouldn't want to benefit at their expense regardless of the person's wishes. I'd see it as agreeing with them for being so fucking horrible.

I'm really struck by those saying "there was a reason it was done that way" and that everyone should respect the wishes of the willer.

In my experience, no reason at all has been given or figured out a thing all. Just a big old blank empty space where you thought your parent felt that you and your siblings were of equal standing/value/whatever.

It's difficult to describe where this leaves you feeling, but it's not nice, even when you don't want or ask for the money to be divvied up evenly.

When the sibling chooses to keep the money and not even it up, that sibling seems invariably to feel on some level, albeit subconscious, that the uneven will was justified and right in some way. This causes a shift in the landscape of sibling relationships that's is pretty toxic in the long term.

When the sibling does choose to even it up, there are all sorts of complicated emotional legacies involving gratitude, beholdeness, generosity, fairness etc, and the ever lingering fuck you from the parent.

If you are making an uneven will, make sure enough you at least explain why. Oh, and don't make your shafted children joint executors with the favoured ones, because that's just plain mean.

I think a person of sound mind can leave their estate to whomsoever they please and they would not be unreasonable to keep it.
However if it was left to them to do the right thing and share it, it should be equal.

Do we lose sight of the fact it was the Grandmothers money to will as she saw fit. The morality does not lie with the inheritee if that is a word

Helpmeplan the morality does not lie with the beneficiaries but they are the ones who have to live with the consequences. A testator can be truly vindictive in their ‘final f*ck you from beyond the grave’. The beneficiaries and the disinherited relatives end up living with the bitterness, regret, anger, envy and jealousy. It can destroy family relationships.

MNers like to throw the term ‘grabby’ around at every opportunity - as if somehow virtue signalling that this is something they would never be. These are real people, real relationships and often involve eye-watering sums of real money. The OP has a really tough decision to make and knows it.

Sweet thank you. That is the word I was searching for. Meningitis has addled my brain somewhat and sometimes I lose the right words still.

I agree that it can destroy relationships. It happened in my family when my Granddad died and he left his money between the 4 eldest granddaughters because they were the ones that needed it the most. The eldest granddaughter went crazy because she felt she should have had the lot. She ended up going nc. Its batshit. What people choose to do in their will is their choice alone, they must have their own reasoning.

The recent update on your father's will- he owns 9 houses? One worth a million, yet 7 are to be left to one of his children (who may or may not survive him) and he has no intention of sharing any of his large inheritance (that he doesn't look like he particularly needs) with his other DC who are wanting house deposit.
Wow!
Never heard anything like it.
I would definitely be giving it away equally and ensuring everyone in the family knew about it to try to put an end to all the blatant favouritism, unfairness and wicked meddling from the grave.

@Marmitesoldiers no she isnt dead yet, Its not something I have talked much about to my siblings as my mother has told everyone who will listen and I mean literally even my Nans neighbours, neighbours "know" that "I am grabby and after her money" as I told her she shouldnt have changed my fathers wishes, It makes me feel bad talking about it if I am honest and I wouldnt want any money that is in her name now anyway as it would make me feel dirty considering how she has made up such awful lies about me its so embarrassing.
The thing is she hasnt given him anything he wanted since he died not even burying him where he wished to be buried he knew he was dying so he said specifically where he wanted to be.
She wouldnt let him die at home like he wanted to.
She likes the power.
I dont talk to her anymore as she hurts me too much.

cloud's warning is a very good one. It sounds like it would be wise for anyone writing their will to put in a simple email to whoever is drafting it their clear list of 4 points eg all 3 children equally but if one dies earlier and leaves children their third shared with their children and if they are dead their grandchildren.